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AIBU?

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Original poster

To hate my MIL ?

119 replies

changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:05

It's a constant battle between me and her for DH's time ! He's not just her little boy anymore , but is a husband and father to our two grown up kids ? DH is always helping them ie gives them money, pays for weekend stays in hotels for them. We (mostly my cash from my pre wedding home) bought a home for them to live in, and she is just bloody awful to me behind his back and lately, even blatantly !!! I get so pissed off when she calls DH all the time, he now takes the calls only on his mobile, and he leaves the room to deal with her. I feel like she's invading my time with him. He's hardly ever here as it is. Now DH has announced the he and DD2 are going to fly over to see them the weekend before Christmas, and I wasn't even in on the discussion! They've booked it ! They come back the on the 23rd. Unless snow prevents them, then I might end up on my own for Christmas ! So now she's getting even more of his time !!! What about me ? What about what I want ? Why wasn't I even considered ?! ( I know I sound demanding myself now ! Poor husband stuck in the middle ) I told DH back in the summer that I didn't want anything to do with his mother anymore as she crossed a line ( too much to go into on here ) and I wonder if he's doing this just to evoke a reaction from me ! I just said that's nice, hope you have fun ! But inside I felt my blood pressure rise ! I'm going to make the most of the alone time by booking a spa day if I can and a pootle around the shops, but I still can't get over the fact that he's going away without me and she's won ! What do you think. ?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:31

I can't see that I have any way out ? Both houses are in joint names, I don't earn enough to fend for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:34

He's bigger than me ! If I got announced at him I wouldn't win ! Maybe that's why I get pissed off at her, as she can act like a monster and he lets her

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:34

Even by saying that you "can't see a way out" indicates to me that you've had enough of the whole lot.

You need to see a solicitor and find out where you stand.

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:35

and when he acts like a monster, you're expected to put up with it?

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:35

I could have gone and stayed in a B&B or with his siblings who I get on well with , but this wasn't discussed as I wasn't in in the whole 'let's go see them ' conversation

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/12/2013 13:35

He's bigger than me ! If I got announced at him I wouldn't win

This is very worrying - are you saying you can't question his behavior for fear of him physically overpowering you?

Kyrptonite · 03/12/2013 13:36

If you split would you not be able to jointly sell the second house? Can you prove it was your money buying it?

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:37

I saw a solicitor in the summer as I was at my whits send with it all, she said it would cost me about £10k to divorce him and that she couldn't tell me what I would have to live off at the end of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:39

He hasn't ever hit me , but I'm have no qualms that he would be able to restrain me every easily if I got angry with him .

OP posts:
Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:42

He had no assets when we met , so I can easily prove it was my assets that paid for the majority their property. But despite me hating her , I couldn't put them on the street .

OP posts:
RunnerHasbeen · 03/12/2013 13:42

Perhaps you need to have a calm conversation with your DH about what you meant by your having nothing more to do with her. He might feel he has to keep any decisions or news about her to himself and not involve you, especially if he only takes calls on his mobile. Would you have been mad at him wanting to visit? He probably feels stuck between her not understanding why he can't come and not wanting to mention it to you. I don't think you have a right to be offended by the lack of an Easter egg if you have cut the person out of your life either - it goes both ways.

Is the real issue how little time you spend together? In that case YANBU and you can probably sort it out. I know you say there is a backstory, but from this post alone you and MIL sound as bad as each other, I don't believe for one second you hold back about what you think of her either (badmouthing is the only reason to hate her from post). It sounds like you probably both share a frustration of not seeing much of DH, instead of fighting over him, things might change more if he hears the same message from the important people in his life.

RunnerHasbeen · 03/12/2013 13:43

Ignore me, cross posts, it is more serious than I realised.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:47

The Easter egg thing was the last time I had contact from her, I got cross and annoyed after that , so that's when the ' I want nothing more to do with her ' thing came into play. Maybe I am as bad as her, but I can't see it. I know he's a bit controlling . He comes and goes as he likes, I have to drop everything to spend time with him if he decides to take the day off etc etc .

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 13:49

Changed I'm going to suggest something, and I know it's not the original reason for your post but please bear with me, but you might want to get this moved to the relationships board.

I think it was Rabbit on page 1 (apologies if it wasn't) that suggested that you use the time to gather as much evidence as you possibly can whilst he is away - bank statements, credit cards, everything you can get your hands on - please take the opportunity to do this.

Lots of solicitors offer free 30 minute advice sessions. There is no reason why you couldn't see multiple solicitors to get as much advice as you can.....

pictish · 03/12/2013 13:50

I'm trying to be supportive here...but I'm still not seeing any evidence presented that says the mil is the hag the OP is portraying her as, or that the dh has actually done anything wrong, outside of arranging a weekend away to see his mum without consulting his wife. He might have left her out of the equation because of the earache he would get for wanting to go, for all we know.

The dh is being called an arsehole and all sortys - what for?

pictish · 03/12/2013 13:52

I asked for examples of her awfulness, and all I got was that the mil didn't write OP's name in her Easter card.
What have we got to go on here?

AHardDaysWrite · 03/12/2013 13:55

Op doesn't know how much he earns, but it's a lot more than she does. Yet her money was used to buy his parents a house. There is money for him to get a flight, but there wouldn't be for her. He can come and go and do as he pleases, but the op must be around when he wants her to be. He has the potential to be violent and gives her a " look" which means she has to shut up.

This is a lot more than a bloody Easter egg.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 13:55

Hi ! Thank you . There's nothing at the house at all . All of his stuff goes to his office . No bank statements. No receipts , nothing . The only bank stuff here is the bill paying account and the food account . There's nothing else here . Although I do think I should maybe move some of my valuables ( sentimental more than monetary ) out . I might see if I can get a bank box or something ... I feel so low right now, I was fine this morning , but it's made me realise just how squashed into a box I am !

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 03/12/2013 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mishmashofstyles · 03/12/2013 14:00

Agree with Pictish. You wanted nothing more to do with her... It sounds like your DH might have just arranged the weekend away without consultation to try to avoid endless arguments about it. Wrong of him really but I can understand it if he is a bit off a coward and wasn't feeling up to a row.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:01

Pictish , she's awful, she belittles me at any and very opportunity, she comes into my house and treats it like it's hers , moves furniture , goes around spraying perfume (why I don't know) tells me I need to look after her boy better (wtf?) she is that person we all know who does charity work and then feels the need to tell everybody all about it ! I

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 03/12/2013 14:01

Poor OP. Your last comment about all financial details being kept away is worrying.

Your MIL is only confirming the way your DH treats you at home, isn't she?

(((Hugs)))

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 14:04

I think you should use his time away to think very hard about what you want from your life. If you aren't happy and you WANT to leave, don;t be guilt tripped into thinking you can;t see them on the street. You and DH own 2 houses, absolutely nothing to stop you having one (or the money from one) while he and his DM share the other. Don't make any rush decisions, just take your time and get support from friends/ family and legal advise if you want to.

pictish · 03/12/2013 14:05

Yet her money was used to buy his parents a house.
Well unless he stole it from her or forced her into it, that must have been agreed for some reason.

There is money for him to get a flight, but there wouldn't be for her.
He didn't say he wouldn't pay for a flight for her. The OP says she hates her mil and wants nothing more to do with her...why would he buy her a flight there?

He has the potential to be violent and gives her a " look" which means she has to shut up
But he hasn't been violent, and 'the look' is in response to the OP's bitching about his mum.

You are reading an awful lot into very little there. OP hasn't told us anything solid to make us suppose she is the victim here.

I am prepared to hear it and change my mind of course, but so far there is nothing to go on.

Original poster
changedmyusernameobviously · 03/12/2013 14:06

This is helping, seeing it from other perspectives too , so thank you ! Yes I can see that I am being a bit over sensitive about it. Ultimately I decided to stay last summer , so in effect I have made my bed so to speak .
I do walk on eggshells around him when I comes to his family and I don't moan or point out that in 20odd years he's never stayed with MY family. And they live just as far away in the opposite direction .

OP posts: