Dp being horrible? So confused

[BadgerBumBag]

Grandad has an ongoing illness and the family have been called in at 8am this morning as he has gone dramatically downhill.

Dp at home as work is slow and he has nothing planned, still in pyjamas, so when I get a call from my mum saying how bad grandad is I say I will be there shortly.

Dp is cross with me
His reasons:

1. What if he decides he wants to do something
2. What would I have done if he was at work? - I said I would have swapped childcare with my sister so we could both go for a short time. I still plan on taking niece off her for a bit.
3. Why didn't I use him as plan b and try and arrange with dsis first?

I am so confused, he is so annoyed and I am emotionally frazzled. I said I am annoyed that this discussion has even happened as it is out if order.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just give a day up when my grandad is so ill?

Writing this crying upstairs trying to get dressed. Need some other opinions as I feel like I have done something wrong

He will find it hard to deal with your grief? Well boo fucking hoo . What an emotionally immature, selfish git he sounds.

It's not about him. None of it is, that's probably why he's throwing his toys out of the pram.

I'm so sorry your Grandad is ill.

Interestingly my partner also was sent to boarding school from 7 till 16 and he cannot cry. He thinks it's because he got conditioned out if it by the system. He said you just learnt to get on with it and you knew your parents weren't coming back, so yep, stiff upper lip time.

He is a very emotional guy, loads of cuddles and empathy though. But one of the favourite comments he has made to me is that he wouldn't cry at my funeral. For some reason he pissed me off whilst I was pregnant so I said, in front of my mother, would you manage to squeeze a tear out if I died. He said no, he would be sad though

You're not going to raise his un-fucking-believable cruelty to you because you're scared he'll get angry and you won't even get an apology? You're well trained, aren't you.

Don't let it go until next time, because next time you'll be even more convinced that there's no point in raising it, you'll be upset then, too.

And as for the selfishness of him dreading your dear GF dying, because of how it will affect him

I really think his next bout of dick-headedness will be when your GF dies and he's not the centre of attention. Do you want to have to deal with it then?

So, what did you say when he asked if you were ok. ? Why didn't you raise the fact that his behaviour towards you was what made a horrible problem 100 times worse?

Don't tell me, I know the answer, you have already given it. You are frightened of his reaction and have been conditioned to accept that looking out for yourself gets you absolutely nowhere at all.

Gosh.

"How he was taught to deal with emotions"...well, possibly not at all, by the sound of it.

I'm not (yet) in the hang him, flog him, LTB camp but...any chance he would consider having some counselling to try and open himself up to a more, er, normal way of dealing with his feelings?

This is a very small part of the whole thing - but have you done the washing up? If not then please don't! Ask him to do it - in a completely neutral voice, adult to adult. If he moans because he cooked, I'm sure you cook and then wash up sometimes, right? Tell him you have a lot on your plate at the moment and you need him to see to the washing up. Let's see if he can handle giving (small) practical support. As it is he is failing on that and on the emotional front right now.

He seems very miserly in terms of the support he offers you in general, as if you can ask for small change, as it were, but anything else and you are getting too demanding. This is not reasonable. Partners support each other to the extent that it's needed, because one day the shoe will be on the other foot. If they love each other, that is...

Thanks everyone, interesting reading.. Hit a few nerves! Will reply later, just off to hospital

Does he want a hug if he is upset or does he take himself off somewhere to lick his wounds? I tend to find that DH supports me with the sort of support he would like for himself (i.e. to be left alone to process stew on things).

When my dad was terminally ill I had to say to DH "what I need you to do now is sit next to me and give me a hug" which he then did. He did drive me hundreds of miles to visit my dad without question but wasn't very good at working out how to support me emotionally.
(I also have a vague suspicion that DH may have ASD)

Chaz that sounds just like my dp. I just wish it was spontaneous

He doesn't hug when he's upset, he goes for a cigarette (rarely) and a drive

I suspect that in his mind when you are upset you would want to be left alone because that's what works for him.

Coming late to this, but wanted to say I am sorry to hear about your Grandad. I hope things improve soon.

As for your partner, his behaviour is total twattery. He should be supporting you now in any way you need it, not putting obstacles in the way and stropping.

I am in that position at the moment. My MIL is terminally ill, and my husband regularly has to go and see her at the drop of a hat, to do what he can. It would simply never occur to me to be obstructive at all. You just accept it, do what you can to help, and deal with the hand you are dealt with a good grace. That is a lesson your partner seems incapable of learning.

Hang on a minute. Why are we talking about "hugging" or "not hugging" now ?

This guy stropped about having to look after his own kids. I wasn't aware that arseholery was an ASD trait.

I agree with you all that I need to look after myself and raise issues. I just lost my bearings on what is and isn't acceptable. Trust me, I feel like I have been as much of a twat as him for sweeping it under the carpet.

Mist's point is good. Let's not get sidetracked by the maybe-ASD element to this. I still want to know whether he went back and did the washing up after all. That'd be practical support. Plus it doesn't seem to me that he misreads what the OP wants. It seems like she tells him and he just doesn't want to do it.

Mist, as ever' is right.

Emotional Intelligence has FA to do with anything here.

He's being selfish, begrudging stepping up as a parent, and worse actively seizing an opportunity to make a bad, agonising and painful personal situation as bad as possible, because it somehow gives him some kind of emotional hard-on.

My ex used to do that. My sister used to do that. My mother, her H too.

Abusive ex, narc mother, narc sister, fucked up stepF.

OP, don't defend the actions of your 'P', you can't. You know what's going to happen anytime you need him? Same shit.

You deserve better. Your kids too!

sorry about your grandad OP

XH is a useless sack of shit at the best of times, he is also a recovering alcoholic who was an absolute wankbadger to me. We split up 4 years ago and he sees DS 2 days as week supervised due to me worrying about him falling off the wagon in style.

Anyway, a couple of months ago my grandad died, my mum was in bits and at hospital everyday for over a week. I was on a promotional training course at work and couldn't get time off. XH took a weeks UNPAID leave, looked after DS at my mums house, and helped out with shopping/cooking/cleaning etc for my parents.

Your DP has no excuse to act like a selfish twat. He's choosing too!

Mellow - no he didn't wash up.

Thanks Hissy - it just doesn't make sense to me, he is so weird unless everything is super easy. For example anything stressful eg taking about money, emotions etc turns into him being defensive and unsupportive.

I had to ask for a hug tonight (am sitting overnight at hospital with grandad) as I left and he said why? I said as I am emotional and need your support. He hugged me but I had to ask

Ok so I sort of grew a pair and text him saying I am still reeling from the situation yesterday and that all I want is for him to realise that his behaviour was insensitive. Probably a crap method but hey ho

Super easy... for him!

your issues are what cause him to flip. Issues he doesn't want to bother with, cause him to flip.

Training you to keep at bay all the 'stuff' that he cba to deal with.

Meanwhile, he'll pull every rug from under you to make sure you don't bother him with your trivial and inconvenient bothers in future.

(in his view)

Woman, know your place.

All my family and ex were the same.

Not the tense. Were.

Now, not one of them has access to me. All gone.

Won't share my good times with them if they are only there to make my bad times worse.

He apologised!!!!!!!! Hurrah!!! Thank you all for giving me guts

Next time it will be easy to raise

Ok scrap that, we are arguing over text. He is being a twat

Sorry, I disagree - I think this has EVERYTHING to do with emotional intelligence.

OP, what you've done just in asking him for a hug, sounds really good. You've told him, in a calm, low-key, non-threatening way, what you want from him. Keep doing that - signpost, as clearly as you can, the exact behaviour you're looking for, with absolute clarity and minimal room for misinterpretation. And when he does it, show him just how much it helps you and how much you appreciate him for it. Lots of positive feedback to build confidence!

If I were you (and I'm not, so do feel free to ignore, obv) I might ease off on asking him to talk about our even acknowledge emotions, both his and yours. You know that's like another language to him. It'll just throw him into a panic, cos he has no idea what you mean or how he is "supposed" to respond. I'd concentrate on the concrete things - you would like him to give you a hug, do the washing up, look after your DC while you are with your family - and go from there.

Good luck to both of you. It's obviously very difficult but it sounds as if you do love each other and you want to make things work if you can. All the best to your poorly Grandad, too.

Thank you That is it completely, he panics. I will go with your suggestion, it worked earlier. The argument ended on a good note and I think his lack of emotional intelligence makes arguments pointless as he doesn't understand and gets defensive and says all I do is accuse him of being pissed off