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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp being horrible? So confused

106 replies

BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 11:13

Grandad has an ongoing illness and the family have been called in at 8am this morning as he has gone dramatically downhill.

Dp at home as work is slow and he has nothing planned, still in pyjamas, so when I get a call from my mum saying how bad grandad is I say I will be there shortly.

Dp is cross with me Hmm
His reasons:

  1. What if he decides he wants to do something
  2. What would I have done if he was at work? - I said I would have swapped childcare with my sister so we could both go for a short time. I still plan on taking niece off her for a bit.
  3. Why didn't I use him as plan b and try and arrange with dsis first?

I am so confused, he is so annoyed and I am emotionally frazzled. I said I am annoyed that this discussion has even happened as it is out if order.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just give a day up when my grandad is so ill?

Writing this crying upstairs trying to get dressed. Need some other opinions as I feel like I have done something wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 11:33

Disrupted day, he is acting like I have chained him up

OP posts:
MrsCakesPremonition · 03/12/2013 11:33

He's a sulker too?

OP, forget about him for a bit and concentrate on the rest of your family today. Thanks

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 11:33

Will do Smile

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 03/12/2013 11:34

Oh I would be telling him to FUCK RIGHT OFF and taking DC with me to the hospital leaving him to himself. He probably had a little wank session planned and is pissed off you've given him an errand. How bloody selfish and you ADNBU.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 11:37

Ha ha ha ha that comment cheered me right up!

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 11:42

What a fuckweasel Hmm

Hope you're OK, as Mrs CP says, concentrate on your family x

Rooners · 03/12/2013 11:43

cut him loose - when you have the emotional energy to even think about him, of course. Right now ignore him and proceed asthough he does not exist, which he might as well not.

So sorry about your Grandad xx

EatriskierDrinkAndBeMerry · 03/12/2013 11:48

I'm so sorry about your grandad Flowers

His attitude would be understandable if you were popping into town to meet your mates but in situations like this the normal rules go out of the window. If anything as bad as this was happening to any of DHs family I wouldn't give him hassle over 'abandoning' me with the kids without checking, and I'm sure DH feels the same. He's a twunt.

thebody · 03/12/2013 11:48

just awful. when the chips are down that's when you are at your closest and most supportive or should be.

he sounds like a spoilt twat.

when my fil died I had to break the news to my dh as he was in a train going to London.

my teen lads took over their little sisters and fielded calls, did the tea, put them to bed and stayed up to sort us out tea when we finally got home from the hospital.

he should be utterly ashamed of himself.

show him this thread. so sorry about your gf.

catsmother · 03/12/2013 12:02

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with his utter arrogant selfishness - and emotional cruelty IMO - on top of being so worried about your Granddad - hope he pulls through.

There's no question that a partner should do whatever they can to help and make things easier for you at times like this. Heck, if my DP was in work and I got a call like that, I'd still expect him to come home as a one-off emergency if childcare was an issue - and I'm sure he'd do just that as soon as he could short of being abroad.

What a prick. He'll have plenty of other days off - whereas, worst case scenario, this might be a last opportunity for you (though I obviously hope it isn't). That he should try to prevent you from having that is unspeakable - I don't know if I could ever forgive him.

Rikalaily · 03/12/2013 12:38

I'm sorry about your grandad, I hope he picks up.

Dp had lived with me for two months, my three kids weren't his. I got a call saying that mum only had a few hours left. He called work (he had only been working there for a month) and told them what was going on and that he wouldn't be in. He drove me 40 mins there then came back and looked after the kids for the whole week that mum hung on for, I didn't leave the hospital for that whole time, he brought them to me every other day so I could see them.

He did the same a year later, he was halfway to Birmingham (we are in the NW) and I got a call to say my sister was in intensive care, I called him straight away and he immediately told the lad who was driving to turn around, dropped the van at work and came home. He took me to the hospital and then took over with the kids (we had a dd then who was 6 months too). He left them with a neighbour for a few hours the next day so he could be with me when we had to switch her life support off.

I'm a SAHM luckily so no work to inform (if I worked I would have called in saying I couldn't go in). DP has had calls twice when he's had family members with only a few hours left (the last time was only last week), his family are 2.5 hours away. He left immediately when he got the calls and I handled everything this end no question, I was packing his bag last week before he was even off the phone.

Your DP is a cunt, family illness takes priority over anything. Tell him to grow the fuck up, even if he were pissed off (and there's no reason why he should be, it's an unavoidable situation) he should behave like a grown up, keep his mouth shut and get on with it. Poor diddums if he wanted to do something. I'd show him this thread and hope he feels very ashamed of himself. I'd honestly be considering LTB over disgusting behaviour like that. Angry

Lweji · 03/12/2013 12:43

Even twat exH was better than this.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 12:44

Thanks everybody, your comments make me feel so much better. It is disgusting behaviour and I am definitely going to have to rethink how our relationship goes from now.

I doubt myself you see but you guys have helped me see how unacceptable his behaviour is.

I'm not going to leave him but I do see that I cannot put up with this. Home truths needed

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 12:46

The daft thing is he was fine when I left, getting dd ready for playgroup and making lunch. He always has to have a strop. He really needs to just button it and get over his annoyance

OP posts:
plainjanine · 03/12/2013 12:49

Presumably he doesn't care if he looks like a twat to you [so your opinion of him apparently doesn't matter?] but appearances must be maintained for everyone else?

Is he usually so hard of thinking?

Hissy · 03/12/2013 12:59

I'm not going to leave him but I do see that I cannot put up with this. Home truths needed

He needs to know think that you WILL leave him over this, that this IS a deal breaker tbh.

Unless you are prepared to go that far, IME twats like him won't change a jot.

Plan the life you want and need to have, and if he fits in with it, good for him, if not, don't let him stand in your way.

catsmother · 03/12/2013 13:19

When you do get to have those 'home truths' out with him, I would be very very interested to hear him try and justify his earlier attitude. I honestly can't think of a single thing - short of him being utterly and totally incapacitated through serious illness himself - for him objecting to looking after his own child in the circumstances, and contributing hugely - and unnecessarily - to the angst you were already suffering.

There just isn't any excuse.

It's almost as if he's jealous of the totally understandable attention and support you were going to provide for your family. And he threw a strop because he wasn't foremost in your thoughts. How grossly arrogant is that ?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/12/2013 13:25

Sorry to hear that your DH is adding to an already upsetting situation.

What if he decides he wants to do something
Too late, this cropped up first

What would I have done if he was at work?
The point is that he isn't at work and he is at a loose end

Why didn't I use him as plan b and try and arrange with dsis first?
Because anyone would naturally turn to DD's father if he was available.
Other relatives are back up not first call.

Nothing to discuss.
Tell him to pick his toys back up and stop being an arse.

Hope things pick up and that Granddad isn't as bad as you fear.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 03/12/2013 13:26

sorry DP not DH but you know what I mean, it all still applies.

chillykitty · 03/12/2013 13:37

Ignore him you need to be there for your grandad

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 13:43

He's pissed off because today it's not all about him. Selfish fucker. I bet most of the time you do tippy toe round him and adjust life to keep him sweet don't you? You're probably so used to it you don't even realise most of the time.

Sorry about your grandad.

I would tell the father of your child that you are disgusted with his behaviour and are seriously considering your options as to this relationship. Then go and concentrate on your family.

yoshipoppet · 03/12/2013 13:49

He doesn't want to look like a twat? Then he should stop being one.

Thinking of you, your family and your grandad.

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2013 14:07

He "looks like a twat" because he is one. No excuse for this. None. Selfish prick.

cees · 03/12/2013 14:13

YANBU. He is a giant arsehole. You need help not his tantrums.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 18:59

Thanks everyone. You are right, I think I do tiptoe around a bit and it did seem like jealousy that I was paying attention to something else.

I'm honestly not sure he understands why this was so bad. His family are quite attention seeking and I sometimes wonder whether this is where it comes from.

Grandad is terrible, am home now but things are not good.

OP posts:
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