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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp being horrible? So confused

106 replies

BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 11:13

Grandad has an ongoing illness and the family have been called in at 8am this morning as he has gone dramatically downhill.

Dp at home as work is slow and he has nothing planned, still in pyjamas, so when I get a call from my mum saying how bad grandad is I say I will be there shortly.

Dp is cross with me Hmm
His reasons:

  1. What if he decides he wants to do something
  2. What would I have done if he was at work? - I said I would have swapped childcare with my sister so we could both go for a short time. I still plan on taking niece off her for a bit.
  3. Why didn't I use him as plan b and try and arrange with dsis first?

I am so confused, he is so annoyed and I am emotionally frazzled. I said I am annoyed that this discussion has even happened as it is out if order.

Am I being unreasonable to expect him to just give a day up when my grandad is so ill?

Writing this crying upstairs trying to get dressed. Need some other opinions as I feel like I have done something wrong

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 19:05

Sorry to hear about your Grandad x

Has Fuckface asked how he is ?

ohfourfoxache · 03/12/2013 19:08

Oh Badger I'm so sorry to hear that Sad

I hope you got a grovelling apology and a big hug when you got home Angry

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 19:11

Well he did ask how he was, cooked dinner, went to playgroup, bought essentials from the shop etc

Not a grovelling apology but I honestly don't think he considers what he did as wrong.

I will raise it but I don't have the emotional energy right now Hmm

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 03/12/2013 19:20

He knows what he did was wrong otherwise he would have agreed when you said you would take your dd with you. He was the one who said he didn't want to look like an twat to your family so he knows exactly how his behaviour would appear to others.

Mishmashofstyles · 03/12/2013 19:23

I can't believe how ignorant your DH has been over this! Shocking! :(
Sorry your grandad is poorly.

thebody · 03/12/2013 19:34

concentrate on yourself and your grandad for now.

be icily polite or ignore twatty and when you are good and ready sit him down and go for it.

I honestly would struggle to love or respect a man child like this op.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 19:34

It's so confusing as I know that if I raise it he will get angry and won't apologise so I am inclined to just ignore and next time he tries the guilt trip, let rip

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 19:35

Respect is hard you're right, and to me that is an issue. A big one

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 19:37

Death brings out true form of people without fail, if they act like a twat in times of death, thats probably who they really are.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 19:38

and he obviously hates being reminded of his own mortality.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 19:43

Lucius - that's what I'm worried about, have I just not seen who he really is?

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 19:49

Does he normally act like hes been inconvenienced, when life happens in a way he doesnt want it. If yes, then thats probably him deep in the core.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 19:52

Yes I'm afraid so. He usually does the right thing but can be stroppy.

He is so fantastic in every other way though which is what makes this hard.

I'm just not sure he can empathise with anyone completely. He seems to just shut off. He doesn't hug me if I cry for example, struggles socially but is a very hard worker and otherwise great dad

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 19:57

From that, he probably just didnt mature emotionally on that side of things, he maybe not necessarily be a twat, but he just cant see or feel what you do, it can be hard living with a person who cant empathise with you.

Or he could just be a twat, only you can say because you know enough of him.

thebody · 03/12/2013 19:59

it's a hard one as you say he's a great dad and works hard.

does he see emotion as a 'woman's thing?' is he afraid that he couldn't deal with raw emotion? stiff upper lip etc?

do you think if you explained how it makes you feel he could accept some counselling? just an idea.

not excusing the twatty response though.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 20:10

He seems very emotionally immature to be honest in a lot of ways and it is hard when he doesn't empathise. I think he is being a twat too though and can be a complete spoilt brat at times.

I'm not sure he lives in the real world sometimes and he thinks emotions and childcare are women's things. I said we needed to put effort into our relationship and he just laughed and said if it works it works and people don't do that. I assured him people do actually talk about their feelings but he thinks I'm over analysing Confused

OP posts:
LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 20:12

Well hes a twat if he thinks relationships just work, they are like owning a pet, you have to fulfil its needs to keep it alive.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 20:20

Indeed and I want ours to work. It won't if he carries on like this though

OP posts:
MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 21:30

he needs to know that, love

and tbh, sweeping this one under the carpet and waiting until the next time to "let rip" is not the solution

very telling that you seem 100% sure there will be a next time...that tells me you are accepting a lot of this shit on a regular basis

a "good father" does not model this sort of behaviour to his children

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 03/12/2013 21:56

Yes, didn't think of that, you're right. I am sure there will be a next time. I'm just not sure how to phrase it as he always thinks I am confrontational when I bring up the smallest thing and I don't necessarily want to call him am insensitive twat.. Don't think that will help

OP posts:
SeaSickSal · 03/12/2013 22:01

If he's this shitty to you in a crisis situation how does he behave in normal every day situations? He's a dick. Never said this before but LTB.

Sorry about your Gramps.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 22:46

What you are currently doing is not working, so try another tack. Call him on it, every.single.time.

puntasticusername · 03/12/2013 23:57

"If it works it works".

Well, that's the point, isn't it. This relationship is NOT working for you Sad

Topaz25 · 04/12/2013 12:46

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandad. Your partner is being very unreasonable. He should be doing all he can to make this difficult time easier for you. I can't believe he suggested your sister should have been your first call for childcare when she obviously wants to see her grandfather too!

I could be wrong but is there any chance your partner has an autistic spectrum disorder like Aspergers? The problems with emotions and empathy and the reaction to a change in routine can be symptoms. I have Aspergers and unexpected changes in routine can make me very anxious. I would obviously deal with it and help out DH if someone in his family was ill though, sometimes disruption is unavoidable. It's not an excuse, just a possible explanation, he still needs to address his issues. Another possible explanation is he could have issues from childhood if he was taught not to express emotions or that "emotions and childcare are women's things." What are his family like?

The relationship problems need addressing but right now you need to think of you and take care of yourself first and foremost.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 04/12/2013 13:08

You've just hit the nail on the head there, I have been wondering about ASD too. He never puts his hands up to anything, and I don't think he has ever apologised to me. He just gets defensive and says I bring up the past all the time if I try to talk about anything.

I do try and raise things in the moment but he then says I am criticising his every action. I can't win.

His family are like that and he went to boarding school from 6 to 16, so I am not sure how he was taught to deal with emotions. I suspect stiff upper lip and get on with it.

So annoying. Last night he had dinner ready when I got in but never washes up. I was exhausted so went to bed but he left it all for me to find this morning.

I'm no domestic goddess but he is so insensitive and I could do with the help right now.

Still no hug, but he did bring me some tea in bed yesterday evening and asked if I was ok.

He says he can't deal with emotions or illness, or the repercussions of them, and is dreading it if my grandad dies - he said this last night - as he will find me hard to deal with being upset Hmm

OP posts: