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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with hubby pestering me for sex

94 replies

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:10

I swear I never can win in the sex department.

When my drive was really high and I wanted it all the time, I hardly ever got it. But... I still never pestered the way a man does.

I have had a UTI 2x in the past month and I am taking my tablets and waiting for it to go away. I don't want to have full on sex until it is gone as I am afraid of germs keeping the blasted thing going.

My drive is in the loo with menopause going on but I have seldom turned hubby down.

The latest thing is irritating me and I wonder sometimes if it is passive aggressive as he does seem to know it annoys me.

It seems the worse I feel, the more he pesters me for sex.

This morning my allergies were terrible and just feeling poorly from the UTI. He starts touching me and pestering me at 5.21am. Yes, I glanced at the clock. He wanted to touch and cuddle and polish the dolphin and that was ok with me even though I didn't really feel like it BUT he didn't just get on with it in a reasonable time frame. Seriously, I thought 30 minutes should be plenty.

After 45 minutes and he is still messing around, I get up and get some tea. I come back and he is still messing around and wants me to cuddle some more. It seemed like a long time and when I looked at the clock again it was 8.15am so this went on for nearly 3 hours!

I finally was pretty angry at being pestered like that for 3 hours and I gave him plenty of time to finish. I got up and went to the shower as I was just done.

I find it terribly distracting as I like to study first thing in the morning as it is my best time.

Like I said, I was willing to accommodate but I do feel it was unnecessary for him to poke around for 3 hours and not get on with it.

he came in when I was in the shower and said he was finished so it only took him a few minutes to finish up.

This isn't the first time he has done this. He isn't deprived either as we just did it a couple days ago.

I really doubt he would tolerate me pestering him in any way for 3 hours.

I am wondering if I should directly say something to him?

Frankly, I would prefer to do things later in the day like before bed.

OP posts:
FastWindow · 03/12/2013 00:15

I'm going to regret asking but... Polish the dolphin?

20 minutes is reasonable.

Beavie · 03/12/2013 00:17

Christ. I just snarl and he gets the hint.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 00:33

0521 is always unreasonable.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:33

polish the dolphin, spank the monkey, jerk the gherkin, you know lol

I should practice my snarl.

I really did think 30 minutes was plenty and waited 45 before I got up and did something else.

Why would he drag it out for 2 or 3 hours knowing I was annoyed?

I might just have to get up and go sit in the other room but it is a shame as I like to study in bed with a cup of tea.

OP posts:
Tweasels · 03/12/2013 00:34

I'm sorry, it's late and I might be being thick but just to clarify.

Are you saying that he touched you up for 3 hours while he wanked himself off. During this time you got up, made tea, got back into bed and then got up to have a shower and then he 'finished'?

BOF · 03/12/2013 00:42

He is certainly being an utter power-playing twat, and horrendously selfish. That said, why on earth couldn't you say after 15 minutes "I'm not up for this, get back to me tomorrow"?

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:44

yes, he did. I thought we would cuddle and touch a bit and he could wank and it would be done with in 30 to 45 minutes.

But he just kept stopping and dragging it out ending up being 3 hours so yes, by then I was really angry. I was already ill and he knows I wasn't well.

OP posts:
caruthers · 03/12/2013 00:46

Wanking for 3 hours Shock

He's got to have friction burns on his warhammer hasn't he?

He sounds like a complete idiot.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:46

I have a hard time standing up for myself.

So you think he was just being a power playing passive aggressive twat?

It is rather odd that when I am well, he might want it once a week or so and now that I have had health issues and no sex drive, he wants it every day.

OP posts:
PhoebeMcPeePee · 03/12/2013 00:50

5:21am is the middle of the bloody night why didn't you just tell him to fuck off with his cocky prodding Confused

Lweji · 03/12/2013 00:53

What happens if you simply say no?

Tweasels · 03/12/2013 00:54

I think it sounds quite sinister actually. Why do you feel you can't say no to sex?

BOF · 03/12/2013 00:57

Yes, it is power-playing. I read your OP to my partner, and that's the first thing he said. He's setting you up to fail, by pestering you when you are practically incapable, so he can throw your lack of enthusiasm back in your face. It also occurred to me that he might be trying to sabotage your work by keeping you awake. Power games.

pumpkinsweetie · 03/12/2013 00:58

3hrs choking the chicken, fucking hell, surely his hand must have been near to falling off!
No wonder you were peeved, you being ill & it being so early in the morning!!!

But why on earth didn't you just say no, i don't feel like this right now?

Ham69 · 03/12/2013 01:10

Unless it's a one night stand, 5:21 is extremely inconsiderate.

steff13 · 03/12/2013 01:11

3 hours?! Ugh, that's obnoxious. Could you have, you know, taken over for him and finished it up in a reasonable amount of time? My husband has woken me in the middle of the night for sex many times, and I've always obliged, but I also expect him to be getting on with it, not messing around for 3 hours. You are not being unreasonable at all.

passedgo · 03/12/2013 01:17

Does he support you in your studies? It sounds like jealousy and sabotage to me. Or some kind of sex obsession that he has found on the internet that has disturbed his sex drive. 3 hours is way beyond the call of duty.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 01:18

I normally wake up very early. It is my time time for working on things.

Next time I will just say I'm sick and don't feel like it.

To be clear he wasn't wanking for 3 hours straight non stop lol.

he would do it a bit and stop for awhile. He just drug it out forever.

If I was well, I just would have hopped on and had it done in a few minutes.

not up for a bj as sinuses were completely blocked due to allergies

Yeah that is the thing, I was obliging even though I am unwell and I did expect him to get on with it.

As for the power games, why would he do that and what should I do about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 01:19

He might be jealous. I am a very driven person and have achieved a lot of success over the years.

OP posts:
thepig · 03/12/2013 01:20

He was being VU.

But please don't listen to all the people who come along and tell you he is abusive etc etc.

Only you know what he is like, and what you are like.

You need to learn to say no, though of course there is an issue here if it's his personality and actions that stop you from saying no.

My DP has on occasion come from a drunken night out, nudged me awake an practically mounted me while I've been half asleep.

That sounds terrible without the context that other people just couldn't know.

BOF · 03/12/2013 01:42

Nobody has said he is abusive. But it is certainly selfish behaviour which he needs to be pulled up on.

Lots of people are in relationships which have unhealthy patterns. The key is to recognise it and sort it out.

differentnameforthis · 03/12/2013 02:38

Could you have, you know, taken over for him and finished it up in a reasonable amount of time?

Yeah, how terrible selfish of the op not to oblige when she was feeling sick. Hmm

Being pestered for me is a HUGE turn off. If I don't feel like it, I just say & dh will understand or go off for a shower & sort himself out.

Grennie · 03/12/2013 03:45

Your DP doesn't care about you and it is abusive behaviour. You say that the more ill you feel, the more he does this. He is getting off on the power over you. Sorry OP.

Grennie · 03/12/2013 03:46

"My DP has on occasion come from a drunken night out, nudged me awake an practically mounted me while I've been half asleep."

Thepig - That sounds terrible, because it is terrible.

MiniMonty · 03/12/2013 03:57

A three hour "on and off" wank...

Good God.
You DH should submit himself to medical science.

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