Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to be annoyed with hubby pestering me for sex

94 replies

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:10

I swear I never can win in the sex department.

When my drive was really high and I wanted it all the time, I hardly ever got it. But... I still never pestered the way a man does.

I have had a UTI 2x in the past month and I am taking my tablets and waiting for it to go away. I don't want to have full on sex until it is gone as I am afraid of germs keeping the blasted thing going.

My drive is in the loo with menopause going on but I have seldom turned hubby down.

The latest thing is irritating me and I wonder sometimes if it is passive aggressive as he does seem to know it annoys me.

It seems the worse I feel, the more he pesters me for sex.

This morning my allergies were terrible and just feeling poorly from the UTI. He starts touching me and pestering me at 5.21am. Yes, I glanced at the clock. He wanted to touch and cuddle and polish the dolphin and that was ok with me even though I didn't really feel like it BUT he didn't just get on with it in a reasonable time frame. Seriously, I thought 30 minutes should be plenty.

After 45 minutes and he is still messing around, I get up and get some tea. I come back and he is still messing around and wants me to cuddle some more. It seemed like a long time and when I looked at the clock again it was 8.15am so this went on for nearly 3 hours!

I finally was pretty angry at being pestered like that for 3 hours and I gave him plenty of time to finish. I got up and went to the shower as I was just done.

I find it terribly distracting as I like to study first thing in the morning as it is my best time.

Like I said, I was willing to accommodate but I do feel it was unnecessary for him to poke around for 3 hours and not get on with it.

he came in when I was in the shower and said he was finished so it only took him a few minutes to finish up.

This isn't the first time he has done this. He isn't deprived either as we just did it a couple days ago.

I really doubt he would tolerate me pestering him in any way for 3 hours.

I am wondering if I should directly say something to him?

Frankly, I would prefer to do things later in the day like before bed.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 10:25

Oh, Maltese, don't say French, Bonsoir will hear you!

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 10:27

Redshifter

Do you wake your husband up at 0521 when he's ill and ask for a three hour massage?

Though not!

passedgo · 03/12/2013 10:30

I'm interested in the pig's response to my question. If it is the case that he's consented to a long term arrangement of sex on demand (whether it works both ways or is just her to him), that's plain wrong and possibly illegal? Surely each case of assault/consensual sex is individual, you can't make a long term contract. Even in marriage.

It concerns me that people still think marriage is above the law in this respect.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 10:36

Passed, I think you can though.

If A does consent then there is no crime. Whether or not there's a long term formal statement to that effect or not, there cannot be a crime where there is consent.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2013 10:45

op, this is not acceptable. At all. he sounds like a horrible man.

passedgo · 03/12/2013 10:48

So if you can get someone to agree to have sex with you whenever you want it regardless of whether they want it, that's legal?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 10:51

Yes, provided the consent was given freely and not through coercion, threats etc.

pumpkinsweetie · 03/12/2013 10:55

Just a thought- Wonder what this would end up like if it was the other way around! Bet the man flu wouldn't entertain a woman with a 3hr desire !

pianodoodle · 03/12/2013 11:10

If I wasn't well and DH woke me at that time he'd be mauled - but not in a good way!

SlimJiminy · 03/12/2013 12:01

Oh. My. God. I'm trying not to imagine what I'd do to OH if he woke me at 05:21 for a 3-hour fumble. Even without being ill, I think a stern "fuck off" would be the best-case scenario.

lizzzyyliveson · 03/12/2013 12:05

TheDoctrine Can you back up your assertion with any case law? Because there have been people put in prison for GBH who insist that they were only engaging in S&M practices with the consent of both parties but the courts and police took no notice of this 'consent'. I would expect that in the same way the court would take no notice of 'freely given consent' that was given on a previous date. Don't forget that consent has to be active and on-going. You can withdraw your consent to sex at any time.

YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 12:13

Anyone is allowed to say 'no' at anytime. Just because someone said 'yes' 6 months ago does not mean that they can just hop on anytime they like - male or female.

passedgo · 03/12/2013 12:14

DoctrineOfSanta your version of the law is the kind of statement that gets teenage boys and girls very confused and leads them into all kinds of traps set by abusers and people that want to take advantage of them. I can just imagine them going around the playground saying 'well she said it was OK in the text, she can't complain about it now, cos she agreed in the text'.

Thank goodness the police have recently finally, but recently, realised that prevention is the key in rape cases and are focussing more on education.

CocktailQueen · 03/12/2013 12:16

At 5.21, regardless of how ill or well I was feeling, I'd have told him to get lost. That's in the middle of the ight! That's just rude!!

And if you are ill at the moment yet you dtd 2 days ago, then you're either a mug or a saint. And he's a selfish twat. Nobody needs to wank for 3 hours!!!!!!!!!

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 14:59

I don't think I am explaining myself very well.

Of course consent has to be ongoing but in the context of thepig's example it is ongoing as far as he is concerned.

But provided the consent is there, no crime is committed.

I am certainly not saying consent once means consent forever, I'm not George Galloway.

niceguy2 · 03/12/2013 15:28

3 hours for a wank!?!?! He should go see a fucking doctor! Either that or he's doing it totally wrong!

Joysmum · 03/12/2013 16:17

Don't lie. If you want to oblige him because you want to please but aren't up for a full on session then just say, you want to make it a quickie. Both hubby and I have times when all we want is a release and a quickie will do nicely, nowt wrong with that.

People aren't mind readers and it's a continual hiding of feeling that leads to this sort of situation. Such a shame when people can't be honest with one another and no wonder relationships suffer.

Original poster

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 16:54

I don't think you can use being thick or just blockheaded to know that when someone gets out of bed after they are fumbling around for 45 minutes, that means they are done.

To come back to bed after getting up and making a tea and going to toilet and he is lying there with his flag still at full staff is ridiculous. Any man would have the sense enough to have finished while she was gone and be done with it.

When I had to be at work early in the morning he would wake me up at 0200 with a boner as he would stay up all blasted night and think him coming to bed I was there to help him get to sleep. I told him to stop it as I needed my rest.

Early morning is my least favourite time for sex. I don't know how men don't get this. I know many of them wake up with boners but women don't. We are dead asleep and my parts are the further from sex at that time. They are sleeping too.

I know he would not tolerate me pestering him for any reason if he had the flu. He would lie there like he was dead ignoring me.

And the people who want to argue about permission, start another thread. It adds nothing to my thread.

OP posts:

rabbitlady · 03/12/2013 17:02

clearly this is a stealth boast.
you are old and he has no erectile dysfunction and can't leave you alone. nice for you, if wearing.
i'm old. i could do with one of those.

BOF · 03/12/2013 17:05

Fairenuff · 03/12/2013 17:29

The most concerning aspect is that you seem to think that you have to accommodate him, OP. Who taught you that?

clam · 03/12/2013 18:00

I am just stunned that there are people out there who go along with being woken in the middle of the night for sex. No. Just No.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 03/12/2013 18:31

The few times ( in recent years) I have had a man in my bed all night, we have had middle of the night sex. But that's probably because its a rare event, and we can't keep our hands off each other! Tantric wanking would be a massive faux pas though.

SantyClaws · 03/12/2013 18:45

Tell him to fuck off and have a wank and get it out of his system and let you get some kip.
Jesus the crap some women put up with ....

THIS! This thread has made me

Grennie · 03/12/2013 18:54

Nobody has to sexually accommodate their partner. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable activity. Not something 1 partner puts up with for the benefit of the other.

Flip

1 2 3 4