Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with hubby pestering me for sex

94 replies

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:10

I swear I never can win in the sex department.

When my drive was really high and I wanted it all the time, I hardly ever got it. But... I still never pestered the way a man does.

I have had a UTI 2x in the past month and I am taking my tablets and waiting for it to go away. I don't want to have full on sex until it is gone as I am afraid of germs keeping the blasted thing going.

My drive is in the loo with menopause going on but I have seldom turned hubby down.

The latest thing is irritating me and I wonder sometimes if it is passive aggressive as he does seem to know it annoys me.

It seems the worse I feel, the more he pesters me for sex.

This morning my allergies were terrible and just feeling poorly from the UTI. He starts touching me and pestering me at 5.21am. Yes, I glanced at the clock. He wanted to touch and cuddle and polish the dolphin and that was ok with me even though I didn't really feel like it BUT he didn't just get on with it in a reasonable time frame. Seriously, I thought 30 minutes should be plenty.

After 45 minutes and he is still messing around, I get up and get some tea. I come back and he is still messing around and wants me to cuddle some more. It seemed like a long time and when I looked at the clock again it was 8.15am so this went on for nearly 3 hours!

I finally was pretty angry at being pestered like that for 3 hours and I gave him plenty of time to finish. I got up and went to the shower as I was just done.

I find it terribly distracting as I like to study first thing in the morning as it is my best time.

Like I said, I was willing to accommodate but I do feel it was unnecessary for him to poke around for 3 hours and not get on with it.

he came in when I was in the shower and said he was finished so it only took him a few minutes to finish up.

This isn't the first time he has done this. He isn't deprived either as we just did it a couple days ago.

I really doubt he would tolerate me pestering him in any way for 3 hours.

I am wondering if I should directly say something to him?

Frankly, I would prefer to do things later in the day like before bed.

OP posts:
Greenmug · 03/12/2013 06:17

He would have had a straight 'fuck off' from me. 5.21am indeed.

JapaneseMargaret · 03/12/2013 06:58

The thought of obliging someone with sex is grim.

You're only doing it because he wants it, not because you do. You don't have to have sex when you don't feel like it. Ever.

Obliging someone who pesters you is dysfunctional.

He may not be an abusive arsehole. He may not even be close to that.

But your portrayal of him on this thread makes him sound fucking awful.

How can you possibly fancy him?

passedgo · 03/12/2013 08:39

From Rape Crisis - let's be clear what we are dealing with here.

Current legal definition of sexual (indecent) assault

Sexual assault is an act of physical, psychological and emotional violation, in the form of a sexual act, which is inflicted on someone without consent. It can involve forcing or manipulating someone to witness or participate in any sexual acts, apart from penetration of the mouth with the penis, the penetration of the anus or vagina (however slight) with any object or the penis, which is rape.

Original poster
tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 08:42

If he pesters me in the morning again, I will just tell him to stop it.

OP posts:
thepig · 03/12/2013 09:01

Grennie:-

You've made my point for me. You're telling me that it is terrible without knowing the context which I clearly indicated existed.

FWIW - The context is that I'm a man (and yes that makes a huge difference to responses on here unfortunately) and DP has my consent that she can do that.

So is it still terrible? Of course not it's a consensual act in a loving and balanced relationship that you have no understanding of.

But even with that warning you still jump to conclusions and make my point better than I ever could have? Hence me telling the op to take any advice with a pinch of salt. Wink

sashh · 03/12/2013 09:03

passedgo

I was going to post along the same lines.

OP tell him if you are not able or not in the mood and say 'no' then any act after that is illegal, does he realise he is very close to being a rapist?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 09:05

Thepig

It makes no difference that your DP is a woman and you are a man. What makes the difference is that your DP has your consent to do that.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 09:08

Which, as I'm sure you are aware, you could have stated in your first post whilst still not disclosing your sex and you would have got a different response.

It's a bit like, "AIBU to take sweets from the corner shop? I have a good reason."
10 posters say "of course that's not on!"
You say "ah, but it's my aunt's shop and l'll pay her back later, so you are all wrong, ha!"

DownstairsMixUp · 03/12/2013 09:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/12/2013 09:25

He deprived you of 3 hours of sleep. Shock Angry

When he knew you were feeling ill.

What a selfish manipulative twat.Angry

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 09:26

Quint has nailed this one.

thepig · 03/12/2013 09:28

Santa:-

It makes no difference to me andd in the eyes of the law.

But it routinely makes a difference on mumsnet. That's all I was saying. Smile

passedgo · 03/12/2013 09:42

the pig are you saying you have given your wife consent to do what she wants with you sexually on a long term basis?

Please explain.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2013 09:52

He's got to have friction burns on his warhammer hasn't he?

That made me spit my tea over the keyboard! Xmas Grin

OP - Just say No.

Grennie · 03/12/2013 09:52

ThePig - No it does not make a difference on mumsnet.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 03/12/2013 09:52

Nope. When we have discussions about sex with someone who is asleep, there are usually a few women who, like you, have pre-agreed consent to it, and it's acknowledged that, in their relationship, it's therefore not assault.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 09:55

Isn't it really irritating when people constantly do this gender-reversal squawking all over sensitive threads, quite happily derailing them ?

Start your own thread, thepig, trying to be clever and show MN up for it's "sexism" just makes you look like a twat.

harticus · 03/12/2013 09:55

Tell him to fuck off and have a wank and get it out of his system and let you get some kip.
Jesus the crap some women put up with ....

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 09:57

OP, next time your ridiculously priapic husband pulls a stunt like this, don't plead "sickness" to get off the hook...tell him a firm "no" and see what happens then. It could be very revealing, and possibly not in a good way.

MsVestibule · 03/12/2013 09:58

thepig but it routinely makes a difference on Mumsnet

Bollocks. I'm not saying that there aren't some MNers who will give a different reaction depending on the sex of the poster, but in my far too long experience of MN, the vast majority of posters are pretty even minded in that respect.

However, as you gleefully jumped on Grennie's comment (when she hadn't made any assumptions at all as to whether you were a man or a woman), you're clearly looking out for sexist assumptions when they don't actually exist.

The only relevant context, and I'm unsure why you chose to leave it out of your OP, is that you give consent.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 10:01

It wouldn't have had quite the same "a-haaa, gotcha plebs" impact if he had included the context in the first place Smile

shewhowines · 03/12/2013 10:04

He has no respect for you or your feelings.

Just as worryingly, you have no respect for yourself or for your feelings!

Are you sure your relationship is healthy in other ways?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 03/12/2013 10:05

This wasnt about sex, or him wanting to touch you, and cuddle you and have a wank IMO.

If he really wanted a wank he would have either sorted himself out in minutes, without waking you or asked you and if you agreed, sorted himself out in minutes.

Instead, what he did was wake you at stupid o clock in the morning. And when you agreed to the touching and cuddling, decided to make this scenario last for 3 hours. 3 entire hours, stopping, starting again, making you wait 3 hours for him to finish, meaning you couldn't go back to sleep or do any of the other things you wanted to do.

Waking up a partner to see if they are in the mood- well ok, people do this and it's fine. I personally would grab the nearest sharpest instrument and dig it in DH eye if he woke me up because he wanted a wank, but he knows that. That's why he doesn't do it.

But anyway, even if it was acceptable in your relationship, it cannot possibly be acceptable to make a 3 hour production out of it knowing your partner is ill, tired and simply not in the mood.

I'm sorry, but the 3 hour thing sounds very little about a man waking up feeling horny and a very lot like a man who wants to control and belittle their partner. And I would say the exact same thing if a man wrote this because, sorry but no one who wakes up feeling horny takes 3 hours, stopping and starting to orgasm. And they certainley don't keep their partner in the bed while they do it.

themaltesefalcon · 03/12/2013 10:09

OP, that's ludicrous. Three hours. Good Lord. That's equivalent to 180 sex sessions from a normal Englishman. Is he French or something?

You just need to be clearer and tell him "no, fuck off, I'm too tired / under the weather / trying to continue my dream about [Ken Dodd, or insert name of other studmuffin here]." If he persists after a clear no, then it's a lot worse. Have you been clear enough? If you HAVE been, then it's abusive.

Polishing the dolphin, though? If you're mentally associating your husband's phallic member with those beaky bastards, you're never going to fancy the man again.

redshifter · 03/12/2013 10:24

Why do you feel you can't say no to sex?

Sometimes we do things we really don't feel like doing because our DP's really want to.

My DP does lots of things for/with me that takes several hours. DP really doesn't feel up to doing them, but is kind and loves me. What is wrong with this?

I have lots of times had sex with DP when I didn't really feel up to it. But I do feel I can say no and I often do.

Sometimes DP gives me a massage just because it makes me feel good, even though they are unwell themselves. But if they really didn't want to they k ow they could say no.

If I am not up to full sex I have no problem with cuddling up while DP masturbates. What is wrong with that? It is just a nice thing to do for someone you love. I feel I can say no at anytime.

3 hours would piss me off though. If I was OP, I would say "finish in 20 mins or I'm off" and perhaps say some sexy things and do some sexy touching or give a him a hand. This would probably quicken things up a fair bit.