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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with hubby pestering me for sex

94 replies

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 00:10

I swear I never can win in the sex department.

When my drive was really high and I wanted it all the time, I hardly ever got it. But... I still never pestered the way a man does.

I have had a UTI 2x in the past month and I am taking my tablets and waiting for it to go away. I don't want to have full on sex until it is gone as I am afraid of germs keeping the blasted thing going.

My drive is in the loo with menopause going on but I have seldom turned hubby down.

The latest thing is irritating me and I wonder sometimes if it is passive aggressive as he does seem to know it annoys me.

It seems the worse I feel, the more he pesters me for sex.

This morning my allergies were terrible and just feeling poorly from the UTI. He starts touching me and pestering me at 5.21am. Yes, I glanced at the clock. He wanted to touch and cuddle and polish the dolphin and that was ok with me even though I didn't really feel like it BUT he didn't just get on with it in a reasonable time frame. Seriously, I thought 30 minutes should be plenty.

After 45 minutes and he is still messing around, I get up and get some tea. I come back and he is still messing around and wants me to cuddle some more. It seemed like a long time and when I looked at the clock again it was 8.15am so this went on for nearly 3 hours!

I finally was pretty angry at being pestered like that for 3 hours and I gave him plenty of time to finish. I got up and went to the shower as I was just done.

I find it terribly distracting as I like to study first thing in the morning as it is my best time.

Like I said, I was willing to accommodate but I do feel it was unnecessary for him to poke around for 3 hours and not get on with it.

he came in when I was in the shower and said he was finished so it only took him a few minutes to finish up.

This isn't the first time he has done this. He isn't deprived either as we just did it a couple days ago.

I really doubt he would tolerate me pestering him in any way for 3 hours.

I am wondering if I should directly say something to him?

Frankly, I would prefer to do things later in the day like before bed.

OP posts:

LilyTheSavage · 03/12/2013 18:55

If he could creep on top and treat himself to a quickie without waking you up then that might be a good result all round . Pull your nightie down when he's finished and save that poor old dolphin from being mauled!!! (joking).

LilyTheSavage · 03/12/2013 18:56

Ooops! Sorry, I just remembered you're ill OP and that sort of sneaky behaviour from your DP is Just Not On! xxx

everlong · 03/12/2013 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Madmammy83 · 03/12/2013 19:15

Dear god is nothing sacred anymore. I can now sleep soundly having read all the ins and outs of your bladder workings in that opening post.

I don't mean to laugh but I know have a mental image of you, with blocked sinuses and a cup of tea, sitting up in bed with your husband furiously wanking beside you for half the night.

One time I felt ill and not in the mood and guess what I did. I told DH I felt ill and not in the mood. Imagine!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 03/12/2013 19:25

Sorry to go against the tide here, but maybe hubby thought they were having a nice long romantic steamy session in bed. Don't any of you like messing about in bed for an hour or more? Did he realise you didn't actually feel like it? Maybe you weren't v clear?

ashesgirl · 03/12/2013 19:33

God, it always makes me slightly ill reading this stuff. We do NOT have to have sex or anything else just to accommodate our partners. It's sexual coercion and nothing more, if you're doing it to shut them up.

Original poster

tiredoldmum · 03/12/2013 23:12

haha you got the right image add in nose blowing and sneezing. glad you enjoyed it.

I do think we have to accommodate to a certain extent. When you marry, there is an agreement to regular sex unless there is some other mutual agreement.

My drive is non existent with this menopause thing going on. I could go for once a month maybe. I used to be high drive. Some people just stop having sex permanently when they just don't want to anymore and too bad for their partner.

I think many men fail to understand that our bodies don't work like theirs. A bit on groping on the breast is not going to do anything for me. I don't see how he could possibly think I was enjoying it when I was getting nothing from this encounter and I was ill.

He tried the breast groping this morning and I promptly moved his hands off me and that was that.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2013 23:30

I don't know how to quote but I disagree completely when you say that when you marry, that's an agreement to regular sex . Only if both people want it imo.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 23:39

When you marry, there is an agreement to regular sex

Who the hell told you that ?

You can end a marriage if you wish if you feel your needs are not met within it, but an agreement to have sex whether you want to or not ? No way, send that corker right back to Misogyny 101.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 23:42

OP, I have a feeling that nothing is going to change for you because I suspect you share a lot of your husband's skewed viewpoints it would seem.

I suggest you start reading up on feminism and male entitlement and come back when you yourself are clearer on what is appropriate within a loving relationship and what is not. In the meantime, carry on letting your husband take the piss out of you if you wish.

Gossipmonster · 03/12/2013 23:57

I read this earlier - I can't believe he wanked for 3 fucking hours?!

I am not a feminist but it makes me feel sad that you feel it's a contractual agreement of marriage to have sex, or that you would do it for "duty" rather than "pleasure" :(

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/12/2013 00:26

My last comment was very harsh. I am sorry. This is not your fault, but please stop enabling this shit. I hope you can find a way to firstly respect your own body better than you do, otherwise there isn't a cat in hell's chance that he ever will x

24504 · 04/12/2013 07:49

lizzzyyliveson

A bit off topic but with regard to S&M, in law, you can only consent to injuries classed as ABH and below, not GBH.

It's in the same category as saying to someone "Go on then hit me". That is technically consent so if someone punched you causing a black eye there would be no repercussions, but if someone punched you and fractures your eye socket it is a GBH injury so an offence.

I can't remember exactly but I think it probably comes under s18 or s20 the Offences Against the Person Act

Fairenuff · 04/12/2013 08:08

I don't see how he could possibly think I was enjoying it when I was getting nothing from this encounter and I was ill

I think you are missing the point somewhat OP. He knew full well that you weren't enjoying it. I he knew you were ill. He just didn't care.

You have a really sad relationship if you think it's ok for him to treat you like this.

You know what, in a loving, caring relationship, the dh would have got up without disturbing you, let you have a lie in and brought you a cup of tea at a sensible time of day. Not woke you up in the night and keep you awake for three hours groping you purely for his own sexual satisfaction.

Do you really not see how inappropriate that is

Original poster

tiredoldmum · 04/12/2013 08:54

Yes, it was inappropriate and yes he did know I was sick.

Ideally he should have just left me alone or did something nice for me.

I was trying to be nice by thinking he would have a quick one and be done with it.

He was being a jerk by dragging it out that long and not getting the huge hint when I got up and left.

I am going to be more assertive and just tell him to stop if he annoys me like that again.

It worked this morning so hopefully it will be ok and he will be more considerate.

OP posts:

passedgo · 04/12/2013 09:22

OP please look up the definition of sexual assault I mentioned earlier. Once you have an understanding of this you should be able to explain it to your dh. He has clearly never been told and like you, thinks that marriage is beyond the law in this respect. It is NOT. There must be thousands of women who believe this. So don't feel silly for not understanding that, it is what women and men, have been conditioned to believe. Tell him it is his job to make you WANT to have sex, by making you feel good about him and good about yourself.

Fairenuff · 04/12/2013 16:35

I am going to be more assertive and just tell him to stop if he annoys me like that again.

It worked this morning so hopefully it will be ok and he will be more considerate.

Don't bet on it. I expect he will be pestering you again this evening and/or tomorrow morning. More than a few days and he will be complaining and whining at you. If you don't 'give in for the sake of peace' he will probably start to sulk or use other tactics to try and make you feel bad.

What you really need to do is talk to him about it and tell him how it's going to be from now on. I agree that you should read up about sexual assault and then share this information with him.

If he still tries to pester you even though he knows how unhappy it makes you then you know what sort of selfish man he is and how little he really values you or cares for your feelings.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/12/2013 16:45

Sorry OP this sounds vile. And not a lottle bit bizarre

And I'm also sorry but I did laugh at this. themaltesefalcon: "Three hours. Good Lord. That's equivalent to 180 sex sessions from a normal Englishman. Is he or something?"

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2013 17:06

I think there's probably a lot of things your 'D'H does that you haven't mentioned.
I would also hazzard a guess that he is pretty abusive towards you in some way.
But... you have no idea and haven't realised yet.
To put up with this and state it's part of the marriage contract to give your H regular sex is just quite astounding in this day and age.
I am at this post.
This is the year 2013 - not the 17th century!

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