To be so cross about a spoilt child?

[wrinklyraisin]

My stepdaughter is nearly 10, an only child, and completely over indulged by her grandparents (maternal) and her uncle. They spend ridiculous money on her, allow her to talk back, don't expect any help from her at all... As a result she's an overweight, lazy and very precocious little madam who has just spent 4 days with my and her dad basically laying on the couch dominating the tv, yelling "why should I!" When asked to do anything (such as get herself a juice, which she demanded we do for her) and having a shower/flushing the lol after she poo'ed/bringing her dad the wii remote (which she broke)/getting her shoes on to go out somewhere etc. Her standard reply for any form of discipline is "yeah whatever". I've honestly lost the plot. I'm her stepmom so I "can't" discipline her. Her dad tries, but he's way too "nice" about it and just tends to ignore (which allows her to continue ruling the roost). For Christmas she's demanded a Wii U, an iPad, and about $1000 of other toys. She's getting all of these from her uncle and grandparents. Her dad and I are not rich and cannot afford these things. We've told her this. Her response to me was "well you guys just don't love me then do you"!!!!! Now her dad feels guilty and is looking at getting her more "stuff". I've tried to tell him love doesn't equal material possessions. But he's stressed about "upsetting" her.

How the HELL do I deal with such a spoilt brat?!?! I love her, and do a lot for her that her own mother doesn't do, such as teach her personal hygiene regarding showers/her periods (she started 4 months ago) and how to eat healthier (she lives off hot dogs and mcdonalds at her moms)...

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I see a lovely little girl turning into a brat and there's little I can do to stop it. She's really awful to be around (I hate saying that!) and the way she talks to us is horrendous!!! She does nothing to help us (or for herself) and it's a constant battle to get her to cooperate. She's not even a teenager yet!!!! Am I destined to 8 years of this?!?! I'm so so so stressed as is her dad and I want to do something to stop her decline into complete brattiness yet it's not my "place". Ugh.

Any advice would be VERY appreciated.

Simple.

Your house. Your rules.

I agree, your house, your rules.

I'd also advise your husband against buying presents out of guilt... It does nothing for a father daughter relationship and will encourage the daughter to demand more as she has got what she wanted. And this is me talking from being the daughter in a similar scenario. Your stepdaughter will learn no respect towards you or your husband if you keep pandering to her every whim/let her be lazy etc.

Yep we tell her that. It doesn't stop her being so bratty and it gets to the point her dad just leaves her to it as he doesn't want a fight every 5 minutes. So I'm the bad guy if I insist she gets her own drink etc.

I can understand her dads approach, he doesn't do well with confrontation etc. But I've told him unless her attitude is nipped in the bud now it's going to be way way harder to deal with.

Plus I'm just astounded that a not yet 10yr old will be getting so much expensive stuff for Christmas!!! She doesn't deserve or need it. She is spoilt rotten and it's making her an unpleasant child. I feel sad for her, even her cousins avoid playing with her as she acts so badly. I just want the sweet child back that we all know and love, this last year she's turned into a nightmare. And I know it's not her fault. But the very people who should be helping her, aren't. Her mom just dumps her on her uncle and grandparents, and then we get to have her and she's awful to us!

I had this with my DStD. She is now nearly 30 and we get on well, so it goes to show firmness does not hurt them. It is my beleif that children want to be disciplined and given boundaries, they feel more secure.

It really was a case of my house, my rules. This applied to all of DDs friends and DStDs friends at the time too.

I would be like a broken record 'Yes darling, but things are different in this house' Note, not MY house, that is inflamatory!

'Yes darling, but those are not the rules here, they are different'

'Yes, but Daddy doesn't like that, so that isn't what happens here'

'We are a family, so we all pitch in to help'

I bored myself, but she got the hang of it eventually!

It did all settle down with firmness. And it will for you. After all, I am sure DStD behaves well enough at school!

She just needs to get the differences pointed out to her.

DStD and also her mum, have both thanked me for giving her stability in her life.

I feel for you, I really do. I agree that buying more expensive gifts that you can't afford is not a good idea, but could you take her away on a short holiday as her gift? She would get to spend more time with you and her Dad, hopefully seeing that you do both love her, and she may react better to you away from the house? Just an idea. You may also find that she treats you the way she does because she is testing you. Her comment about you not loving her sounds more like something she has heard, possibly distorted from "Look what I've I've bought you, you cans ee how much I love you"

And if you can't do a holiday, can you do a trip/trips to somewhere she'd enjoy?

But you're on a hiding to nothing if her father doesn't step up.

She sounds like she's in firm need of boundaries.
Stuff != love. She needs that to be demonstrated.

Who listens to her talking about her feelings her social life her fears worries hopes & dreams? Give her something the others probably don't.

Tell your dh that what his daughter needs from him is not more stuff but his time. Get him to take her places 1:1 - for a meal, to the cinema, to the park. If there a sport they both play, or does she have any hobbies he could support (this would also give you a little break).

Does anyone in her family spend time with her, or do they just give her stuff/give in to her to keep her quiet?

sounds as if being palmed off on people by her mother is having an effect. She maybe looking for love as she is not seeing it from mum if she is often given over to others and mum is buying her whatever she wants to compensate I agree with MammaTJ that you need boundaries but DH has to agree to them too and enforce. keep strong and if no improvement try calling a family conference where you can all talk about the issues with her behaviour and hopefully come to a mutual agreement on how to respond.

As an ex indulged child (not materially, but I was allowed to speak rudely to my parents and was pretty much expected to do nothing), I would say your std, however much she appears to want the opposite, really does want you to set boundaries. Even if not now, she may, as I did, have a moment when her friends, with a disdainful rather than envious look, say "do your parents let you talk to them like that?"
Keep at it, and give her expensive stuff if you want to, can afford to and don't feel bullied into it- basically don't at the moment.

She's definitely testing us. I've always tolerated less and expected more in the way of manners/helpfulness and generally she understands the rules in this house. It's just this last 4 day stay she's been unbearable and it's become very clear she needs to be managed differently now, if you know what I mean? She gets all of our attention when she's with us, we all went on a dream 2 week holiday to Disney in Florida together, we do a lot as a "family" unit. Her mom does nothing, literally. She "can't handle" her daughter at the moment so the poor kid is often at her uncles house or her grandparents house, where she is treated like a princess and pretty much does nothing except eat, watch tv, play video games. At our house we are trying to get her to pitch in with chores. Our motto/ethos is we are a family, we are a team, we all do our bit to pitch in and no one is left out. She physically refused to get off the couch and help unload the dishwasher. We turned off the tv. She just stayed on the couch yelling and having a fit like a 3 year old. She was told if she doesn't help then she does not get to put the tv back on. Her response "yeah whatever I'm not moving. I'm not your slave. You can't make me". So then we said we are all going out to lunch and then the supermarket. Her response "I'm coming to lunch but no way am I going shopping! I want to play wii. I'm not going to the grocery store. Whatever."

So anything we do or say was met with a fight and a "whatever". It's exhausting. We insist on stuff but she just ignores or has a fit. She's a big girl now (height and weight wise) and it's not possible or appropriate to use physical force to get her to do anything. If we take away privileges she just lays there anyway.

I'm hoping one day she'll appreciate what her dad and I are trying to do. We want her to be a pleasant helpful and kind person. Right now she's all about herself and actually told her own dad "I don't have to do anything to help you, I'm not your slave, you just have to make me happy so whatever." He nearly cried. My heart breaks for him to see how she treats him when all he does is try to give her a secure and happy family life when she's with us.

Good advice on here. One on one is good, chat to her, get to know the 'real' her, underneath she's probably quite insecure etc, buying a child things is not the way forward as you know. make sure you emphasise her being part of the family. Maybe do bonding excersises and utilise your boundaries during them in a 'fun' way. It's v hard but you sound caring and lovely.

I agree with the above plus making her feel loved and wanted with lots of warm comments and affection despite her bad behaviour. Praise when she is doing well and being understanding. Maybe it helps to think of her as having learned an unhelpful mindset rather than being "spoiled" you are teaching her a healthier way of life but it may take a while.
Maybe get your dh to take her on little outings one to one to get that attention. It does sound like she is looking for attention maybe if her mum is not giving her all she needs. Just try to be very firm but loving no matter how hard she makes it.
In a way she has learned expensive presents equal love so you have to teach her that is not the case by showing her love is time together having fun and helping each other.

Have you considered having a bit of a family meeting and all getting on board in trying to tackle it? Or would that go down like a lead balloon?

He devotes the time he has with her to her, he gets done 1-1 time and we also do stuff as a family. It feels like a losing battle though as we only have her 2 nights a week and every other weekend. We used to have her more but her mom now sends her to her grandparents or uncle as (and I'm not surprised) my dsd prefers it there. Thus also breaks her dads heart as he wants (as do I!) his child to love spending time with him. But apparently she prefers being indulged rather than being here and we can't force this issue.

I've told him we just need to stick to some consistent rules and eventually she will come through this bratty phase. But it is so unpleasant and it means our time with her is not fun. So it's a vicious circle. She expects us to be at her beck and call bit no way on gods green earth is that happening. We treat her as a part of the family, her needs/wants are not superior and we want her to help out rather than be waited on. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I also notice that you said she has started her peiods so although she's not a teenager in years, she has all the same hormone issues and this will be affecting her too

Good luck. You sound like a lovey Stepmum

Is there some way you can reward any good behaviour, such as if she joins in with particular things for a week, she'll get a trip somewhere fun?

She and I used to chat loads and have way more fun together. But lately she doesn't like our rules, so she gives me the "whatever" treatment. She's insecure for sure. Me and her dad try so hard to give her a good time when she's with us. He lets a lot of her poor behavior slide as he doesn't want the entire weekend to be one long tantrum. But if she had her way, she would lay on the couch for the whole 2 days, being brought junk food every 3 hours. Instead we take her bowling, out for a meal, do painting/baking together, walk the dog, go visit her cousins, etc. she does also get some screen time but not 12hrs non stop! Our view is she needs to be a part of something active and healthy and loving, and not just a slug on the couch. She's only 9.5. She is just a child. Her dad and I want her to have fun for sure but we refuse to do what her grandparents/uncle do. That's not our idea of family life.

Could you make more of a routine for screen time? If there are set times for wii/tv they can be turned off and remote controls removed.

If she refuses to get herself a drink she can go thirsty!! She's 10 not 3!

I would schedule big grocery shops on a day she isn't with you. I know she needs to be part of regular family life but she needs quality time too and not many 10 year olds would be thrilled about being dragged around the supermarket. If you have to do anything like that do the chore and then follow it with the reward. So it's shopping then lunch rather than lunch then shopping. If she doesn't behave or refuses to go shopping then lunch out is off.

I agree hormones won't be helping. Is there anyone at school she can talk to? Maybe her dad could go in and ask how her behaviour there is and that he is concerned about her. She is spending time in 4 houses with very different rules and must feel very insecure about it all. I'm another that believes kids need and want boundaries no matter what they might say otherwise.

I don't feel like a lovely stepmom at the moment. I hate how frustrated I am at the situation. I hate how I'm growing to dislike this child. I don't have children of my own, and me and my OH probably aren't going to. So this is my only experience of "motherhood" and I just want to do the right thing! I know kids/teenagers are hard work. But as a stepmom I'm limited as to my sphere of influence. I simply want to create an environment that my OH and my dsd and I can have a fun weekend together, and my dsd can be more helpful and pleasant and appreciative. Rather than this entitled and lazy and cheeky madam she appears to be morphing into right now.

They need and want boundaries in the same way we need and want exercise;)

It really sounds like you're doing the right things. Maybe just accept you are in for a rough ride, grit your teeth and get on with it.... Keep telling her how much you love her and value her, keep telling yourselves that....

Sounds like she really desperately needs the environment you are providing for her, even though she doesn't realise and isn't showing it.

Parenting is a long game... Good luck you sound like a great step mum.

I can see you love her, but IMO you are on a hiring to nothing if the parents don't step up to their responsibilities. Insist that previous contact arrangements are reinstated - kids do not get t decide whether or not to spend time with their dad

I would also have a "no eating and screen time until chores are done". It may sound cruel, but you need to be fairly drastic. If she carries on like this she's in for a miserable life.

Do you remember what it was like when your mood was all over the place due to hormones during your teen years? It must be so much harder for a very immature ten year old who doesn't have a peer group to share those issues with. A lot of fat kids are going through puberty early due to overfeeding and their hormone problems are far more severe than older healthy kids going through puberty at a time when their body and brain are ready for it. She needs to see an endocrinologist and a nutritionist.

As a stepmother you won't have the power to change her diet and get her the medical help she needs, you'll have to convince your husband. Would it be possible to go for full custody (since the mother can't control her and pawns her off to her family?), then he'll have the power to stop the maternal side of the family spoiling this poor child into very serious issues.

If the above isn't possible, have strict rules for her when she visits. Provide only healthy foods and teach her about correct portion sizes. Don't spoil her with material goods, drag her out on trips to have fun. Talk to her. Ignore tantrums and don't give in.

The example about the grocery store was because my dsd wanted to make brownies, we didn't have the right ingredients, so we told her we would pick them up after meeting friends for lunch. She wanted the ingredients, it wasn't a big grocery shop for us. She won't even do things to benefit herself. She expects it all done for her. She goes thirsty a lot as we refuse to get her drinks.

She's doing ok at school. She does the bare minimum to scrape by though. She tells us "getting a C is ok cos it's not a fail". So she doesn't push herself and the teachers don't say anything. She's a smart girl though and we know she can do better. We encourage reading every day, and we often have a weeks worth of homework to do with her as she won't do it elsewhere.

We do mainly limit her screen time, 90 minutes a day, but she often has more simply because she won't do anything else. Her dad is more relaxed about it and lets her play wii with her cousins for example. Which is fine, the play wii fit and dance etc so she's active at least.

We have tried "earning" treats for good behavior. It fails now as she gets whatever she wants at her grandparents. There's no motivation to behave well.