To be so cross about a spoilt child?

[wrinklyraisin]

My stepdaughter is nearly 10, an only child, and completely over indulged by her grandparents (maternal) and her uncle. They spend ridiculous money on her, allow her to talk back, don't expect any help from her at all... As a result she's an overweight, lazy and very precocious little madam who has just spent 4 days with my and her dad basically laying on the couch dominating the tv, yelling "why should I!" When asked to do anything (such as get herself a juice, which she demanded we do for her) and having a shower/flushing the lol after she poo'ed/bringing her dad the wii remote (which she broke)/getting her shoes on to go out somewhere etc. Her standard reply for any form of discipline is "yeah whatever". I've honestly lost the plot. I'm her stepmom so I "can't" discipline her. Her dad tries, but he's way too "nice" about it and just tends to ignore (which allows her to continue ruling the roost). For Christmas she's demanded a Wii U, an iPad, and about $1000 of other toys. She's getting all of these from her uncle and grandparents. Her dad and I are not rich and cannot afford these things. We've told her this. Her response to me was "well you guys just don't love me then do you"!!!!! Now her dad feels guilty and is looking at getting her more "stuff". I've tried to tell him love doesn't equal material possessions. But he's stressed about "upsetting" her.

How the HELL do I deal with such a spoilt brat?!?! I love her, and do a lot for her that her own mother doesn't do, such as teach her personal hygiene regarding showers/her periods (she started 4 months ago) and how to eat healthier (she lives off hot dogs and mcdonalds at her moms)...

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I see a lovely little girl turning into a brat and there's little I can do to stop it. She's really awful to be around (I hate saying that!) and the way she talks to us is horrendous!!! She does nothing to help us (or for herself) and it's a constant battle to get her to cooperate. She's not even a teenager yet!!!! Am I destined to 8 years of this?!?! I'm so so so stressed as is her dad and I want to do something to stop her decline into complete brattiness yet it's not my "place". Ugh.

Any advice would be VERY appreciated.

Of course you can discipline her, what would you do if you had a niece/cousin/friend's child to stay and they kicked off?

Could you make it in to a game? See if she can try to be a different little girl at dad's.

I think the 'you don't love me' shows she is actually really insecure. And whether she is insecure or not what she needs is more love and not more presents.

And ease up on trying to create perfect weekends. I know when a parent only sees a child at weekends they want to compensate but there is nothing wrong with slobbing out in front of the TV occasionally, even for a whole day and you are not bad parents if you allow it.

I don't mean be at her beck and call, make her get her own drinks but let her have a bit of a slob.

Does she get any time with just her dad?

why doesn't your dh have her more? why does her uncle and grand parents have her so often? can't that be altered so she spends less time with people who are ruining her?

If she throws a tantrum, do what you would with a toddler and just ignore it, let her yell and scream, just tune it out, enough of that will show her shes not getting the attention she wants. When she stops tell her calmly and firmly, shes older now, and she needs to help, when shes helped out, she gets the treats she wants.

This will pass. It sounds like her behaviour is 99% hormones plus some confusion at the different expectations of her different home bases. But I wanted to say please don't get so upset at the things she is saying. She has hit puberty and I'm guessing looks slightly older but she is still a child and is at an absolutely prime age for saying outrageous and /or obnoxious things to test for a reaction. What she desperately needs to hear from you and DH is that you love her. Over and over.

Is there something that she could do with you/you and DH /at your place that she can't with mom and inlaws? Eg I don't know, a hobby, you could help her choose clothes /outfits (makeup later too) if you're good at that, or recommend some books she'll like? Or get a magazine subscription so there's something special to look forward to at your place. Something to help with bonding/distract from the Wii/telly etc. If she doesn't want to, then think about doing some creative stuff in the background (if u paint/draw/sew?) In the hope she'll be drawn to it later. Just to show her there is an interesting and fun alternative to the junk food/technology/materialist lifestyle...

He would love to have her more. The trouble is twofold: firstly he has to work on the weekends we don't have her, simply to afford our own mortgage etc as 30% of his pay goes to his ex. Secondly the evenings we COULD have her, my dsd chooses to go to her grandparents or her uncle. Or at least that's what his ex is saying when he tries to arrange extra time with her. He asks his daughter and she chooses to go to her grandparents as they let her play wii and have chocolate ice cream for dinner etc. he's tried over ruling that and saying he gets first dibs but then his ex doesn't bother answering her phone and makes contact tough. We live 20 miles away so it's an hour round trip to go there and find she's not home. He's basically told his daughter she can come any time, he will go get her. But in reality this rarely happens as her mom has already driven her to her uncles or grandparents and left her there, and he doesn't want to upset her by kicking up a fuss in front of her. He's made the offer and the drive over there so many times. He works 10 days straight, up at 445am every day, he does all the driving to collect/drop off his daughter, he does his best and has even taken time off to look after her even though her mom is at home and doesn't work. I can't fault his effort. He can only make the time we do have together good. We do have pj days and watch movies all day. But she generally enjoys herself once she's pried off the couch! And she does enough slobbing the rest of the week. We are active people who place importance on being active rather than glued to the couch all day. It's not like we have perfect weekends. She strops and we have things to do that don't always revolve around her. My OH takes her off for lots of 1-1 and I also spend time with her too. I just would love, WE would just love, it to not be such a battle constantly for her to act with some consideration for someone other than herself.

I don't have any direct experience of this age group but can only suggest telling her like it is.

Sit her down for a big serious talk.

Lay down the rules for the house. Screen time hours, the healthy food that will be eaten, the sports that will happen, the manners and the chores that will be expected. Give direct examples and write it down on some kind of notice or poster.

Explain why this needs to be done. "We want you/need you to be the great kid we think you are. You need to be the kind kid, the polite kid the thoughtful kid towards us and your friends. It is our job to teach you this stuff so you can get on in the world - if you don't do this, people won't like you very much and won't want to hang out with you and that will get lonely and boring for you"

Just tell her straight out how it's going to be from now on.

I wonder if she has any famous folk she admires? I bet they work hard and have a good work ethic and have got to the top being professional and charming- friendly and polite in interviews?

Have conversations about thoughtful people you have known and have made you happy in your past and present. " Grandpa Mike was the kindest person I knew, he was always smiling and making jokes" "My friend in school when I was a kid - once helped me by being so kind by doing x, y and z"

one helpful thing I was told was to show her the entry in the dictionary for parent or step parent and then compare it to the one for servant or slave.They are different!! Ie she needs to help team work with some chores cos you and DH are parents not her servants .

She wants a parent who shows they care and funnily emough if you put loads of effort into some vclear rules and lot of time keeping her to them then it Will be so obvious you care about her. At first she Will fight it but then she Will know you care enough to do mre difficult stuff not just the easy option.

Loads of luck with it all.

If the care she recrives from her mother is as bad as you say (no personal hygiene, poor diet, refusal to fo homework etc) then that builds a picture of neglect so your husband getting residency should not be an issue.

He sounds absolutely useless.

She sounds absolutely awful.

You sound absolutely lovely.

Can't add anything to what's already been suggested, sorry. You're far more tolerant than I. I'd have left them to it before now!

We already sought legal advice (am in the USA) because she's sent to her grandparents and uncle so much, there's limited time she's home alone with her mother. There's no neglect if she's under the care if a responsible adult family member. So even if her mom doesn't do much, everyone else does, and she doesn't lack food or clothing or live in squalor. There's no neglect in not doing homework or having her shower with us. It's insane that his ex gets so much money for child support when it's clear it's not all spent on that purpose. But again, it's State mandated, so we can't fight it. The USA has crazy laws/standards.

I'm a step mum too and it can be very tough. The rules for dsd are different in our house than at home. The things I've found that helped:
Never think you're not able to put your foot down. In your house you have every right to. This only works if you have full support from her father however. You need to discuss boundaries and stick to them like glue, one chink in the armour and she will have you.
As to money equals love the only way not to fall for that is to not buy things you can't afford!
Does she have friends that can come over for sleepovers etc? We've found once dsd isn't the sole focus she's a lot calmer. And our rules are similar to her friends anyway which helps

How is he useless? He does loads but you can't force contact agreement changes, and if she doesn't want to come anyway, why force her? He talks to his ex constantly about all this but it's in one ear out the other. It's a prime example of the rights of the father being inferior to the mother despite the mother being pretty useless in many ways. He tells his daughter off for her behavior, he takes away privileges, but he also doesn't want his few hours with her to all be a long tantrum so he lets some stuff slide.

I love them both. I want to do my best before leaving ever becomes an option. As I said before, if me and my OH don't team up and try to do this together, who else will?

Sorry if I sound defensive. I see him trying day in day out to improve things. He's learning from me and I'm learning from him. Surely that's how "parenting" works? Figuring stuff out as you go. As a stepmom I still want the best for my dsd and I committed to both of them for better or worse. So im here asking for advice on his behalf too as we are a team, even if our approaches sometimes differ. I want him to enjoy his child. No one is right now.

Re "Useless" - I can sympathise, but sorry, it sounds as if your OH may be ducking some of the really hard stuff with his DD, with the result that things are not going to get truly fixed as soon as they might.

I totally get that he doesn't want to spend the whole of his limited time with her fighting, which is entirely understandable, and I admire that he's doing what he can to persuade the rest of her family to step up, but if he really is letting his DD get away with too much stuff then she's not going to change, is she?

Sorry if I've got it wrong, but that's how things are coming across to me. He might need to take a very deep breath and steel himself for a short period of really tough love, in the hope of that giving his DD the message she needs to hear - that you and he are 100% serious about the way you intend to parent her, no compromise, no exceptions, and she needs to wake up to that fact.

Can you appeal to the GPs to back you up? Pointing out they are damaging her health etc. by spoiling her?

I want to do something to stop her decline into complete brattiness yet it's not my "place".

I would make it my 'place'-if in my house she follows my rules. Tell both DH and DSD that you have had enough, are fed up and having changes.

Re: useless - what consequences does she face for disobeying, back chatting and generally making herself unpleasant?

When she yells "Why should I?" how does he explain, either by word or deed, exactly why she should?

He stresses about upsetting her, whether it's disciplining her or by not buying her whatever she wants.

I'm sure he's lovely as a person but when it comes to influencing her life in such a way as to ensure she grows into a pleasant adult - he sounds pretty useless. Sorry.

She loses screen time or game time. She has to go to her room until she's pleasant to be around. He tells her constantly "I am your father. You don't have to like what I'm saying but you do have do it" if she then doesn't listen it's straight up to her room. Mostly she gets sent upstairs, so when I say he lets stuff slide, he sends her upstairs then 10 minutes later she comes down and 20 minutes later she's all bratty again and she gets told to go back upstairs, but then she throws a fit tears and everything, and instead of going upstairs she puts on a nice performance.

According to her mom, she does the same thing at her home, tantrums. But her mom caves so she expects us to cave too. The crazy thing is, most of the tantrums are over petty stupid things and are completely irrational. There's no rhyme or reason. We tend to flatly ignore them unless she's hurting us/our pets with all the kicking and yelling. Then she's sent upstairs. Aggression is completely zero tolerance.

I guess the stuff he lets slide by sending her upstairs I would punish more harshly. But as he's the dad it's up to him. He insists on manners now after I've told him please and thank you's are non negotiable. So he's improving. But I would definitely crack down harder than he does.

"She has to go to her room until she's pleasant to be around".

Ok, good start, but I think I would want to be a little clearer about what "until she's pleasant to be around" means exactly, and what the consequences are for unacceptable behaviour. Maybe, go to her room for then return and apologise and/or anything else you deem appropriate to make things right eg tidy up the things she threw around during the tantrum?

Once she does all that, you start afresh, as if the behaviour never happened. Until she does it (or something else) again. At which point, you rinse and repeat the sanction. For as long as it takes. Even if it means she spends several hours doing little but going up and down stairs.

(which at least gets her off the couch, eh...sorry, that's unkind...).

It sounds as if she is crying out for boundaries and consistency. This is the sort of thing that means...Is that remotely helpful? Sorry if not, just trying to contribute...

No, it's perfect advice. I need to hear from real mothers what to do so I can know we decide to do disci

Oops trigger happy post button....

Discipline wise is reasonable and won't get thrown back at me being an evil stepmom iyswim.

Yes you and dh must agree and be a team. When I said earlier you shouldn't be the main disciplinarian I meant that he shouldn't put that role on you, whilst he gets to be the "nice" parent who lets her do what she likes. He has to really agree to the rules.
Also about the bringing a drink rule perhaps you could take it in turns with her to bring everyone drinks. We often do this in my family. Dd is now old enough to make me a coffee and she loves doing it!

I meant he has to agree to all the rules happily so he will feel ok about enforcing them, for instance if he thinks one rule is a bit over strict he may struggle to stick to the consequences you have agreed. So this needs to be discussed honestly.

Step 1. Get your husband to recognize his enabling behavior. If you are seen to lead the stricter changes, you'll just be the wicked sm and not achieve anything.

Sit down with mum, dad, grandparents and discuss a new strategy that you can al use.

Sit down with mum, dad, grandparents and discuss a new strategy that you can al use.