To be so cross about a spoilt child?

[wrinklyraisin]

My stepdaughter is nearly 10, an only child, and completely over indulged by her grandparents (maternal) and her uncle. They spend ridiculous money on her, allow her to talk back, don't expect any help from her at all... As a result she's an overweight, lazy and very precocious little madam who has just spent 4 days with my and her dad basically laying on the couch dominating the tv, yelling "why should I!" When asked to do anything (such as get herself a juice, which she demanded we do for her) and having a shower/flushing the lol after she poo'ed/bringing her dad the wii remote (which she broke)/getting her shoes on to go out somewhere etc. Her standard reply for any form of discipline is "yeah whatever". I've honestly lost the plot. I'm her stepmom so I "can't" discipline her. Her dad tries, but he's way too "nice" about it and just tends to ignore (which allows her to continue ruling the roost). For Christmas she's demanded a Wii U, an iPad, and about $1000 of other toys. She's getting all of these from her uncle and grandparents. Her dad and I are not rich and cannot afford these things. We've told her this. Her response to me was "well you guys just don't love me then do you"!!!!! Now her dad feels guilty and is looking at getting her more "stuff". I've tried to tell him love doesn't equal material possessions. But he's stressed about "upsetting" her.

How the HELL do I deal with such a spoilt brat?!?! I love her, and do a lot for her that her own mother doesn't do, such as teach her personal hygiene regarding showers/her periods (she started 4 months ago) and how to eat healthier (she lives off hot dogs and mcdonalds at her moms)...

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I see a lovely little girl turning into a brat and there's little I can do to stop it. She's really awful to be around (I hate saying that!) and the way she talks to us is horrendous!!! She does nothing to help us (or for herself) and it's a constant battle to get her to cooperate. She's not even a teenager yet!!!! Am I destined to 8 years of this?!?! I'm so so so stressed as is her dad and I want to do something to stop her decline into complete brattiness yet it's not my "place". Ugh.

Any advice would be VERY appreciated.

He tells his daughter off for her behavior, he takes away privileges, but he also doesn't want his few hours with her to all be a long tantrum so he lets some stuff slide.

He needs to be consistent.

Changing boundaries is not going to help anyone.

O this is going to sound harsh.

Contact is for the good of the child, if they choose to tantrum for a few hours then that is their choice.

Letting things slide can be interpreted as not really caring.

I feel sorry for her. She's not getting the attention she needs/wants from her mum and although she isn't technically a teenager, she's started puberty and is therefore experiencing all the emotions that come with that. Poor brat kid.

Re: the "if you loved me you'd buy me XY and Z..." thing - plenty of kids/teens want stuff - the latest gadget, gizmo or whatever. I know I did. But I can't ever recall equating having that stuff with being more loved. That has to be an insecurity thing. It's almost laughable that you'd equate stuff with love. To someone who isn't insecure, that is.

Re: her Christmas demands... I remember vividly that feeling of guilt around Christmas time whenever they played clips of starving orphans on TV. I wasn't a brat. No-one ever told me I should feel guilty. But I did. Maybe something along the lines of "You don't know how lucky you are" / "All those kids out there without food, water, clothes and you're moaning that we can't afford to buy you [whatever]" - the starving children in Africa thing struck a chord with me: I've always eaten everything on my plate and still take a moment when unwrapping gifts on Christmas morning to think about those who won't get anything. Maybe that suggestion will go down like a lead balloon. I'm just trying to think of ways to make her grateful for what she does have, rather than feeling like she always needs more, more, more of everything...

I like the idea of coming up with some stock phrases that you use for certain situations - a response to buying her stuff, something else for doing her chores and a few more for whatever else she tends to throw at you. Respond with these stock phrases until you've bored yourself rigid.

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job to me. I was a horrid teenager (to my dad) and it lasted well into my 20s. We just clashed. But that doesn't mean I don't look back and value the discipline, stability and rules that were put in place while I was growing up. I told him I hated him many times in my early teens, but I still reluctantly did my chores. She'll thank you for it one day.

You must try to stop worrying about the stepmom thing. I know it's a big issue, but it's a label that needs to be put to one side. You are one of her parents. As a parent, you will have your own unique relationship with her, different to her relationship with either of her other parents. You may need to be the bad guy a lot of the time, but so long as you remember to tell her that you love her every day (even if you don't always feel it) and try to have fun quality time with her and tell her that you enjoy her company (even if this is not always the case), she will eventually work out for herself that you love her and that you are committed to her.

If she says "you're not my mom, whatever", tell her that you may not be her birth mom but you are one of her guardians / parents / whatever word you feel comfortable with, and together you are a family. You love her, but certain behaviour is expected from all family members, including her. Calm but persistant, always - don't rise to her words which are perfectly designed to hurt the most.

Next time she says to your OH "if you love me you'll work harder to buy things for me", make sure that he is ready to have a conversation about love not being about money, about how much he does love her. About love also being about respect. That if she wants people to love her, she might want to consider showing them more respect. Every time she makes such a statement, she should expect to have the same conversation with her Dad - again and again and again, if necessary.

She's not pulled the whole "you're not my mom" thing. Yet. She just says "I was talking to my dad, not you"...to which he replies "well she's right (about whatever I said) so listen to her". So he backs me up when she tries to see if he will be softer on her.

I don't for whatever reason feel confident enough to discipline the way I want. I'm a nanny with a couple of decades nearly of experience and I know how I'd handle a charge if they acted this way. But I'm not doing a paid job here. It's not easy to know my role. I know my OH appreciates everything I do. But I also see he sometimes cherry picks the punishments. So there is a lack of consistency that we need to address. It would be so much easier if she lived with us, then the rules would be way more constant and consistent. To only have 2 days and 4 evenings every fortnight means anything we do instill in her is wiped out by her next visit. So frustrating!

That's a great suggestion about trying to encourage gratitude for what she has through seeing how some children live with so little. We tried to get her to donate some toys she's outgrown last year. Epic fail as she went off on one saying those kids could get their own toys. She does IMO need a serious kick up the ass to realize how lucky (spoiled!!!) she is. Her lack of empathy and thankfulness is appalling. She expects everything to be about her, and so far every adult in her life has lived up to her expectation. Except me. And her dad is changing gradually as he sees what a brat she can be.

I understand and sympathize about her hormones etc. but she also needs to learn and be shown how to handle her emotions and that takes time and effort and so far I'm the only one doing that. Her dad tries but (and I know this is silly/sexist) he's a man and he doesn't get the whole hormone thing like I do as a woman. I tell her it's ok to feel sad/angry/frustrated/whatever. But it's not ok to be mean or disrespectful to the people around her. It does work after the 25th time We tell her lol.

Thank you again to all of you for your advice. Mn is a lifeline sometimes, saves my (last, very frayed, thread of) sanity!

I should add as well, one fear I have is overstepping my mark discipline wise and treading on her moms toes. I find it very frustrating though that she seems so blind to her daughters behavior. It's easier for her to ignore it and Palm her off to other people. But then she makes comments like "I can't get her to do her homework!" Well that's because all my dsd has to do is yell and cry for 5 minutes and that's it homework is over. Funny how she will sit (and fuss) and do it at our house. We don't take any nonsense over homework. It gets done and it's non negotiable.

Oh, tell him to ask her to think about whether she would really prefer material things to time with her Dad. She will probably answer the former, but I think somewhere deep down she will realise the actual value of the latter.

I don't think you can worry about stepping on her mom's toes - how are you meant to parent with that on your mind? You are her parent/guardian, and you just have to get on with doing the best job you can. You have the support of your OH too. It must be so hard to parent when you are questioning your own position in the family heirarchy. You need to find a way to feel comfortable and confident in your role and responsibilities. You recognise that you are not her birth mom, but that doesn't mean that you aren't every bit as involved in her upbringing as everyone else, or that you aren't doing your very best for her. Try to feel confident in your role.

However, nothing you can do about the little time you have with her, the lack of discipline when she is away from you, and the backwards steps that are taken every time she goes away again. You just have to try to be consistent for the time she is with you.

i think your dh needs to sort it really,like you said its not really your place,although i do agree its your house,the rules are different there,i think its important she hears that.

id be tempted to be busy when she comes round and leave the husband to deal with it.

Pocket, what century are you living in? They are a family. Haven't you heard that families come in all different shapes and sizes these days? It doesn't make them any less of a family, or raisin any less important a part of it. Your statement "its not really your place" only goes to make her feel less like a valued and important member of that family, which she most definitely is.

What i mean by its not her place,is that it shouldnt be her problem,she has a mum,and a dad,they should sort it.

Not much op can do about the girls mother but she can wrt the dad,it should be his job.Thats just the way i would see it,you are probably right though,i dont even know why i commented on this thread as i have no experience with this kind of thing,luckily i dont have any step kids,but just thought i would put my thoughts across.

Her husband should be pulling his finger out,is basically what i am saying.

Is there any line of communication with the GPs/uncle? My neice was/is a bit like this - parents separated who both spoil her competing to get the best christmas and birthday presents etc so she has more gadgets than she knows what to do with at age 10. My parents look after her a lot at weekends and school hols and they also spoil her, in part because that is just what grandparents do - indugle their DGCs - and in part because they feel sorry for her. She is very inactive and overweight and clearly (to me) is not happy about it. She will always mumble and groan when she is asked to do anything other than sit on the sofa.

My DM would complain to me about it (including commenting to me on her weight and her unhappiness about it) but then would buy her icecreams and cakes and KFC etc. When she goes out with us (not that often as we do not live close) she is fine, and eats what my DC eat, walks along the beach etc and seems to enjoy herself.

Eventually I did tell my parents that they either need to stop over-indulging her or stop commenting to me about her weight and general uncooperativeness because they are contributing to it. (Took me a long time to come up with a suitably tactful way of saying this and was not as blunt as expressed in this email - more like a number of subtle comments over time). They took it well and have changed their behaviour with her, and say their time with her is much more pleasant. Just have to work on my brother next (but in reality my relationship with my brother is such that there is no way I could say anything to him. Think my parents will go for the long game and make some subtle comments and suggestions to him over time.)

I sort of agree with posy in that the dad has that natural relationship so his dd will naturally love him (unless something goes very wrong) but the step mum has to build up that loving relationship as they go along. So if the step mum has to be the bad guy always being tough and strict whilst dad is the nice one it is much harder. But having said that op I think you should really draw on your experience as a nanny. You have that knowledge and experience so take a step back and ask how you would handle this situation as a nanny. I can't see a nanny letting a kid watch tv all day or talk back in a disrespectful manner. Of course a nanny takes the parents wishes into consideration, maybe they want to allow some screen time, but she uses her experience and knowledge to build a good healthy routine. Most kids end up liking their nanny even though they are well known to be no nonsense people. This is partly because they give the kids that time and attention and fun. So speak to dh say that you feel you have a lot of training with kids and your suggestions should be taken seriously. Then work out you strategy together and get him to back you up as you put it in place.

Its well known that adolescents in their hormonal state often emotionally revert back to being a toddler in a sense, and mentally,not literally of course

I'm not diasgreeing about being spoiled, but there will be a certain level of her behaviour that she will struggle to control now, this should have been done much earlier but obvs thats not your bad.

I think we need to be careful off tarring the old 'shes developing because she's fat' its quite an ignorant generalization, My great grandma (slim) back in the 1910's , was 9 , grandma 17, mum 12, me, 10, sister 9 , genetics have a bigger part to play.
I think you have to make your DH do more, she probably isn't gonna be on her best behaviour around you, she just isn't going to be happy that daddy has replaced the important ladies in his life which were formerly her and her mum , with you, it will take a while for that to be okay.

Firstly, forgive me, I haven't read the whole thread

Have a look at this book
www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1386087525&sr=8-1&keywords=calmer+happier+parenting

One of the first techniques is Descriptive Praise
www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3293373/Parental-guidance-two.html

That way you are focussing on her good behaviour. She probably wants attention (like any other child) and is used to getting it by negative behaviour. Descriptive Praise gives her attention for the behaviour you like so its potentially a win win situation in the long run. It should also help avoid conflict.

I find this book very helpful and it works with my eldest son who is 10.

I think family therapy would be a really good thing here. I suppose that would be really expensive over there?

She sees her mother sat on her arse all day, being given money by your husband and not doing anything at all that hurts. Her mother gives up easily, so your SD just has to bawl to get her own way. Her uncle and grandparents really need a kicking - how can they not see what's happening?

If your SD could see herself on film behaving the way she does, what would she think? If someone was kicking off on TV and making an idiot of themselves, what would she think?

Does she have any friends? It's hard to think she has. I can't imagine anyone would put up with her.

Is there any way all of you could get together to discuss how to deal with her? Do you have a reasonable relationship with his ex?

Her cousins (2 girls, similar ages) don't always want to play with her because she can be mean and pitch a fit if things don't go her way. She's quite an isolated child as she's tough to be around sometimes due to her immature bad loud and selfish behavior. She's used to being on her own on the computer or wii being brought food and drink regularly. That's one reason I like to get her out of the house, and to work on her social skills.

She's mildly dyspraxic which doesn't help matters. But her brattiness is nothing to do with the fact she can't tie her shoelaces etc. she really does expect Princess Treatment all the time.

Another example is she thinks she will be rich and live in a mansion and get paid for playing video games. We've told her no one gets paid for doing nothing, if you want to be rich you have to work hard for it. She sees her mom do nothing so she thinks that's how it'll be for her. When we went to Disney for 2 weeks she was told by her mom that me and her dad are rich and we should be giving her more so she can afford nice vacations too. That pissed me right off. We could only afford this (once in a lifetime!) trip as my OH worked his ass off all year and got a bonus which paid dr the hotel and park tickets. And I worked my ass off all year to pay for the flights and meals. We are so far from rich. But my dsd thinks we are holding back as we don't buy what she wants when she wants. No amount of telling her love isn't measured materially seems to be sinking in. And the fact she gets so spoiled by her uncle and g parents doesn't help our cause.

I get on well with his ex. But not well enough to say she needs to tell her brother and her parents not to spoil her so much. After all, she relies on the fact my dsd wants to go to their houses so she can get out of parenting her own child.

She won't give up custody though as she'll lose the child support and she doesn't want to get a job.

I'm going to sit down later and write up a plan of action for me and my OH to discuss. Thank you all for your help. Keep the tips/encouragement coming. It's really helping me to see what needs changing.

Good luck raisin. You seem really sensible and a great role model for your DSD.

I was thinking that, above all else, you and your OH need to do exactly what all parents should do - discuss together how to handle the situation, both of you follow it though, always back each other up in front of her (sounds like you both already do this), and if either of you thinks a situation might have been handled differently, discuss it together when she's not in the house or definitely asleep and revise tactics as needed.

Sounds like you're already on with this! Hope all goes well.

So sad. I've fostered and seen what happens when 'stuff' is substituted for time, stability and discipline. There are plenty of parenting websites and books describing the importance of boundaries, the need for children not to overwhelmed with toys, and tips on how to deal with a step child together. Perhaps your partner would be open to looking at all this again if he felt an impartial expert was reading the riot act, rather than you. Deep down, he must know this is not classy parenting.