To be so cross about a spoilt child?

[wrinklyraisin]

My stepdaughter is nearly 10, an only child, and completely over indulged by her grandparents (maternal) and her uncle. They spend ridiculous money on her, allow her to talk back, don't expect any help from her at all... As a result she's an overweight, lazy and very precocious little madam who has just spent 4 days with my and her dad basically laying on the couch dominating the tv, yelling "why should I!" When asked to do anything (such as get herself a juice, which she demanded we do for her) and having a shower/flushing the lol after she poo'ed/bringing her dad the wii remote (which she broke)/getting her shoes on to go out somewhere etc. Her standard reply for any form of discipline is "yeah whatever". I've honestly lost the plot. I'm her stepmom so I "can't" discipline her. Her dad tries, but he's way too "nice" about it and just tends to ignore (which allows her to continue ruling the roost). For Christmas she's demanded a Wii U, an iPad, and about $1000 of other toys. She's getting all of these from her uncle and grandparents. Her dad and I are not rich and cannot afford these things. We've told her this. Her response to me was "well you guys just don't love me then do you"!!!!! Now her dad feels guilty and is looking at getting her more "stuff". I've tried to tell him love doesn't equal material possessions. But he's stressed about "upsetting" her.

How the HELL do I deal with such a spoilt brat?!?! I love her, and do a lot for her that her own mother doesn't do, such as teach her personal hygiene regarding showers/her periods (she started 4 months ago) and how to eat healthier (she lives off hot dogs and mcdonalds at her moms)...

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I see a lovely little girl turning into a brat and there's little I can do to stop it. She's really awful to be around (I hate saying that!) and the way she talks to us is horrendous!!! She does nothing to help us (or for herself) and it's a constant battle to get her to cooperate. She's not even a teenager yet!!!! Am I destined to 8 years of this?!?! I'm so so so stressed as is her dad and I want to do something to stop her decline into complete brattiness yet it's not my "place". Ugh.

Any advice would be VERY appreciated.

I think it's probably a bit like sleep training though. You just have to accept the next 2/3 visits are going to be fun at all, for the greater good. Then you need to tell her what the house rules are - and stick to them. Easier said than done, I know. And she's likely to push boundaries to the total limit, so put anything you really value away.

The answer to "you have to make me happy" is, "No, I have to love you and help you grow up to be a good person. Which is why I'm not going to spoil you. You'll thank me one day".

She needs to be ready for adult life - to form healthy relationships, to maintain friendships. There's some work to do first.

I second the idea of a meeting of you, the GPs and uncle - but is that your side or the mum's?

Sorry - no fun at all that should be

She's been cleared by her Dr, he's said she has reached puberty a little early but is not abnormal hormone wise, she just needs more exercise and less junk. So we take her bowling, on dog walks, to the playground etc, anything fun and active. I cook healthy food for us all. But it's a losing battle as it's not done everywhere else.

Her dad is really trying to do the right thing but he's not had a lot of experience with kids and he thinks this is normal albeit not acceptable. He doesn't like her behavior. But again, unless her mom changes her treatment/attitude drastically we are limited as to what we can do.

We can't get full custody as unless there's documented and prolonged abuse/neglect the child is always placed with the mother. She also won't give up custody as then she would lose the $40k a year child support she currently gets. She doesn't work. And she palms off her daughter most of the time. She's got a pretty sweet deal really.

At the end of the day though, I think this child is having a serious disservice done to her. She's not treated consistently by the adults in her life. She naturally prefers the indulgement she gets, rather than the "hard work" of family life with us. I'm not saying our way is perfect but I do think we are doing her more good long term. It's just in the here and now it's so bloody hard to enjoy her and it's hard to see my OH suffer, when all he wants is to make his child happy.

It's her maternal grandparents (the only grandchild) and her mothers brother. So as the only child in the family she gets spoiled rotten. It's understandable but at the same time they're creating a monster. Her dad has tried talking to them but it's not easy to influence their behavior. They treat her how they want to and they accept the brattiness as part and parcel of their beloved grandchild/niece.

Thank you all for your advice I am VERY grateful. Stepmom shave such a bad stigma and I want to do anything and everything to help my dsd be a good person. I love her dearly I just don't like her much at the moment, and I know it's not her fault so I hide my frustration and try to carry on as normal, expecting her to stick to our established rules/boundaries. She's blown them all out if the water this week though and I'm at a loss what to do next.

I really appreciate your advice especially if you've gone through something similar.

• step moms have not stepmom shave

OP, I would try getting her to help with one chore, or disliked activity, at a time - if she is as indulged as you say, at the other places she lives, it may be impossible to alter her entire mindset at once. If you concentrate one one thing initially that you want her to do, for example, set the table for meals or unpack the dishwasher, and get her to see this as her contribution to family life, you can gradually expand from there. Insist that she does this one thing and then praise her lavishly for it before she returns to idleness. Once you have broken her habit of mind that she is just a receiver of other people's efforts and not a contributor, you may find the rest easier.

Even if you can't have full custody, can you get more shared? Won't mean she doesn't go to other family, just not so much.

You're in such a difficult position, she is very lucky to have you in her life, even though she doesn't realise it yet.

We have offered to take her more, but her mom always asks my dsd who then says no she wants to go to her grandparents etc. My OH has insisted he will take her instead but then my dsd throws a fit and he doesn't want her to not want to spend time with him so he leaves it. Her mom is very good at manipulating situations so that she witnesses my dsd say she doesn't want to go to our house, so she then automatically just sends her to her parents or brothers house. It's ridiculous. I'd love to have her full time. She certainly wouldn't be the way she is now.

She sounds like a nightmare but it's not her fault that the adults in her life choose the materialistic and selfish route for her. Fortunately she has you to teach her what you can. I agree with everyone else your house your rules! You can't let a little spoilt brat disrupt your home.

Thank you :)

I am getting all teary at such nice responses. It's hard to feel good about myself when I'm such a cross and exhausted mess!

I really think that the solution to this is to go gradually.

She's not used to a "helping" and "contributing" regime because she hasn't been exposed to one before. Give her the chance to conform by getting her onside, rather than making the situational confrontational. Ask her politely to help with one chore - cajole if necessary! - and then stress how helpful it was. Make her feel you really appreciated her contribution. Then always ask her to do that one thing until she accepts it.

Then, gradually, one chore at a time, ask her to do more. It is hard for anyone to change entrenched habits overnight - even though it may seem obvious that drastic change is needed. Rome wasn't built in a day!

My heart goes out to you, OP. You're feeling so cross and frustrated because you care, and thank goodness someone does - you sound like this poor kid's best chance in life! No practical advice I'm afraid, just good thoughts and respect

Sorry, on rereading that came out a bit wrong - I don't mean to suggest that the rest of her family don't care about her, just that you seem to be the one with the best idea of what she really needs from you all.

Yep. Her current chores are to feed her cat when she's here, which she moans about and says it doesn't matter if her cat starves and dies.

She's asked to clear her own dishes, which she often breaks as she's so rough/clumsy.

She has to put her laundry in the basket but it's often just left on her floor.

She deliberately does things badly and then says she didn't want to do then so now we have to do them anyway.

In the short term she may choose her dgp but she will still want her dad deep down. Its harder as a dsm because that biological bond is missing so that is why i think you need to get dh to step up and do the main disciplining while freeing you up to build a loving relationship with her. Im not saying dont have your own boundaries but dont be the main disciplinarian. I think you are doing the right thing. Be firm on your family boundaries but I don't agree on being super strict to make up for lax parenting by dgps just have her do a fair amount, for example don't make her do all her weekly homework just what has been set for the weekend you have her. Keep up the fun but active activities like bowling. Make her favourite home cooked meals in a healthy way and allow some treats.
I agree it will take time but at least you are there for her and deep down that will give her a sense of security as she grows up.

She's very well loved by everyone. It's just some people don't tackle the harder aspects of actually caring for her!

Hopefully it'll all be worth it in the end.

Her mom sends her here with all her homework as she will only do it with him/me as we don't allow tears and tantrums as an avoidance technique. My dsd generally does pretty well with this system. But it definitely takes out of our "fun" time!

I'm trying not to be the chief disciplinarian. But I'm often seen as the bad guy as I insist on a certain baseline level of acceptable behavior.

I think that you are already doing an incredible job, even if it doesn't much feel like it!

I remember as a teenager (an extremely long time ago), I was (slightly) better at accepting regular chores I always had to do (some nagging still required, but at least I grudgingly accepted that that was one of my duties) - I really HATED a sudden "Can you help with this, please?". I think that there needs to be consequences for not doing chores - no tv until they are done, for example.

Also, in the run-up to Christmas, my Mum would make a list of about 12 jobs that needed to be done. My sisters and I had to choose 3 each, and she or my Dad would do the leftover ones. I liked having some control over which jobs I would do. There was incentive for doing them too, for if I didn't, someone else would, and then I would be stuck with a job I didn't want.

Everything passes. This is a faze, and one day it you'll all be out the other side of it!

I asked her if she thought Santa would think she was good enough to get presents this year (she's at the edge if not believing in him but wants to believe "just in case" lol) as she knows she's thrown some real doozies tantrum wise and we have discussed her general "entitledness" before. Her response was "I'll get what I want from you guys even if Santa doesn't think I've been good so there!" My OH said "but what if WE don't think you've behaved well enough? And what if WE cannot afford all these things you're asking for?" And she looked him right in the eye and said "well if you loved me you'll work harder to get the money for the things I want". Omfg. I'm still fuming at this tbh. What child says these things?! To her own father who already sacrifices so much to give her a good life? We may not have her full time but he does more in 48 hours with her than her own mother does the rest of the week! It honestly breaks my heart that she doesn't even feel/show a glimpse of appreciation or gratitude. He takes these comments with a pinch of salt externally but I know it tears him up inside. How do we teach her money/things do NOT equal love/attention?!?! And how do we stop this incredible sense of entitlement?!

I'm sorry to keep harping on ... It feels good to get these thoughts out though. Step parenting is WAY harder than I thought it would be. I'm so tired of being the bad guy but I'm not willing to walk away from either my OH or his child. We are a family and I don't know who else in her life is going to do this hard work if we don't?

I think you have got great advice here, she sounds like a 9 year old, with the hormones of a 13 year old and you are suffering. I would also say this may not just be her upbringing and being spoilt, we have had an outbreak of bad manners and attitude too from my nearly 10 year old, it does seem to be the age for it.

I think it is reasonable to set certain standards of behaviour and let other things go. I let mine go stropping off to their rooms for time out, it's fine to be cross and upset, but not to be rude to others.

I don't accept the word 'whatever' it's extremely rude and dismissive, it's like saying 'I don't care', interestingly my husband used to say it sometimes and I pointed it out and now no-one says it.

It's the old carrot and stick really- some things are tolerable, some not, and you don't get treats or nice things in our house if you are intolerable (although minor rudeness with an apology, or basically nice behaviour with the odd lapse is ok).

good luck op, she is lucky to have you around to steer the ship.

I think it is partly because she is bright and sees through the meaning behind things. If you say do you think you have been good enough for Santa she sees through it and comes up with clever reply. Or when he said what if we cant afford all these things she saw you meant you are being selfish and entitled so she hit back with if you really loved me etc. The best thing might be to try and be very straight forward about it and say exactly what you mean.

Without critisising her mother in any way, I do think you need to point out that the time you do give her is more precious than things. Point out that you also appreciate the time she gives you too.

"Harp on" all you want, op, no-one has to read it who doesn't want to!

I totally understand why the "if you loved me you'd earn more money to buy me stuff" line is so upsetting to you, but it's there a chance that she's latched onto it for exactly that reason? Kids are usually pretty good at figuring out exactly which buttons are most rewarding, and satisfying to push...

I was wondering whether to suggest that you scale back how much homework you do with her - only do an amount commensurate with the amount of time she's with you. Not the whole week's worth. Cos you're doing her mother way too big a favour by covering the lot! I appreciate that's a tough thing to contemplate when it's likely your DSD's education might suffer as a result, however.