Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

quick straw poll please. Contact details while abroad.

29 replies

nefelibata · 01/12/2013 20:19

XH is away abroad with his GF.

There are many reasons I feel ranty about this, which I won't go into here - suffice to say there are few words that could express how much I detest this man. Most of them are bloody good reasons.

However, putting all that rage to one side, I would like a straw poll of AIBU to expect my DC's other parent to leave contact information when he goes out of the country for 12 days?

I only discovered he has left the country because his mum returned our DC from contact today and rather embarrassingly let me know that he's actually fucked off to Egypt, again. He's given no information to anyone about where he is only that he'll 'check emails' while he's away.

I really just want to know whether my general rage in his direction is making me overreact to this, or whether it is actually disgustingly inadequate.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/12/2013 20:22

Why does he have to tell you his business? Surely what he does and where he goes is up to him?

You sound so enraged, he probably couldn't be arsed with the hassle.

phantomnamechanger · 01/12/2013 20:22

I think you are right, yes, likewise I think RP should know exactly where kids are going on hol with NRP etc.

Dh & I are together but I know I would hate not knowing where my dc were, and would expect him to be contactable in case of medical emergency with one of the kids, even if we had split and things between us were not amicable.

phantomnamechanger · 01/12/2013 20:24

worra - he has responsibilities to be available if his DC needed him/were taken ill etc

OP is not asking to know where he is every minute of the day, just how to get in touch if she needed to

NewtRipley · 01/12/2013 20:24

I don't have an Ex, but I'd say he should supply details in case of Emergency. However, if he has a smartphone, won't his emails bing-bong, effectively making him contactable?

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 20:26

what he does isn't any of my business. I agree. Hence him being my ex.

Not being contactable does enrage me, because the last time he did this both our DC (who were with me) needed hospital treatment for an illness, and he didn't respond to emails until he returned - then I got a one liner saying 'I trust they are on the mend' as if it's no big deal.

I guess it makes me bloody furious because yet again it demonstrates he's not remotely interested in them, when it's inconvenient to him. And very closely following the anger with him is a deep sadness that they mean very little to him.

OP posts:
grumpydwarf · 01/12/2013 20:26

Yanbu to think that a "decent" parent would want to be contactable in case of emergency when it comes to their child.

Unfortunately some parents don't think like that or give a crap and I speak as a single parent who's exh fucked off to USA for three weeks without so much as a an email address and all in didn't see his son for two months as he was busy (read it was his birthday and holiday and time with gf)

The only way to "get over it" so to speak is carry on putting your children first and ignore his bullshit behaviour. Hard and not fair but if you dwell on it you'll only end up feeling bitter yourself and your life will be effected but his won't!!

Much hugs and Thanks for u I know it's hard Sad

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 20:29

thanks grumpydwarf. It's rubbish. Doesn't help that he's chosen not to pay CM this month as well, as that's probably a bit inconvenient too. sigh

OP posts:
ItsNotATest · 01/12/2013 20:29

Presumably you could call his mother, who would have his mobile number?

gordyslovesheep · 01/12/2013 20:31

or you could call his mobile

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 20:32

he's not taking his mobile. The only way to get a message to him is via email picked up at an internet cafe, should be bother to go to one.

OP posts:
grumpydwarf · 01/12/2013 20:32

Call csa. No parent has the right to pull maintenance without warning and not support their own child. My exh tried to reduce maintenance when he went on holiday because he couldn't afford it. I told him if he could afford two holidays in 5 weeks he could afford maintenance and if he didn't agree we would let the csa work it out!!

Seriously call csa and then detach!! It will bit him in the arse as your kids will know who they can rely on Wink

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 01/12/2013 20:33

It doesn't sound like he'd be much use to you or your children in an emergency anyway. Just make sure you have a good network of support around should you need it. Your children will realise who cares for them as they get older

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 20:37

I know you're right grumpy I do need to detach. Just feels so bloody unfair and wrong. I didn't decide to have two DC on my own, but that's what I have to do now, and I do a damn good job 99% of the time even with no help.

It's just shitty that I have no help, I now have christmas with no money to look forward to, and he is off on a luxury diving holiday with his GF (who was OW when I was pregnant, so knows exactly what the situation is for me) but I basically just have to suck it up and get on with things.

All things considered I know he is a waste of oxygen, I'm just having one of those burn-an-effigy moments. Waste of my energy, but so hard to get past.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 01/12/2013 20:38

he's just plain selfish really then. not even contactable should one of his parents etc have a medical emergency

of course you feel sad and angry for your kids, but they will see him for what he is soon enough

grumpydwarf · 01/12/2013 20:48

It's easier said than done to detach I know!! I don't always succeed (that's when I come on here and vent or call my mum!) but my ds adores me and me him so we aren't doing too bad. It wasn't what I would have chosen for me or my son but it's happened and we are happier just the two of us long term Wine

Lonecatwithkitten · 01/12/2013 20:52

I have learnt to expect nothing and then be pleasantly surprised if ExH exceeds these expectations.

verytellytubby · 01/12/2013 21:22

Wouldn't he have his mobile?

NewtRipley · 01/12/2013 21:26

Ah, the further info you give is helpful

CheckpointCharlie · 01/12/2013 21:30

YANBU. What an arsehole.

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 22:12

just had a msg from him after I questioned him being out of contact (by email, of course) saying 'nope, wifi is fine for this kind of information. I'm not being dictated to by you.'

Nice. Well, should one of the DC come down with meningitis or get hit by a car tomorrow I'm relieved to know that he's fine with his arrangements.

Next question, AIBU to completely cut him out of my life altogether, bar when he shows up for contact? Have had two recent missives from him telling me my communications are sub-par and preventing him from being a proper parent... bizzare. Apparently I'm supposed to consult him on all areas of my life, but he can drop us in the shit and leave the country - and a request for contact details makes me a dictator. And he sees no irony in his own behaviour??

OP posts:
Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 22:12

by drop us in the shit I'm referring to not paying CM by the way. Not to him taking a holiday.

OP posts:
CheckpointCharlie · 01/12/2013 22:17

I think the best way is to ignore almost everything that you can and be totally deadpan with everything else and supply the barest of details. He obviously likes winding you up.

Ooooh cross!!!

Ps YANBU!!!!

rabbitlady · 01/12/2013 22:23

ex husband and i split up when she was four. he took three foreign holidays a year thereafter (we had one £59 week at a holiday camp in fourteen years - but he paid. just for the pleasure of making me sink so low, i think) and we never once had his contact details.
we could probably have contacted him through his parents.
he didn't take daughter away on holiday. it was mentioned but never happened. i can't remember if i actually refused to allow her to go or if it never got that far.

Original poster
nefelibata · 01/12/2013 22:29

yes, apparently because he never asks after the children when they are with me, this means I shouldn't need to contact him about them. He's been away 3x this year too, and only once had the DC for 2 nights in a row - he went to a holiday park with them from Friday lunch time until Sunday lunch time, and this was their holiday with Daddy.

DS1 came home today with MIL and when she left climbed up on the sofa with me, and said, Mummy you are always my friend aren't you? I said, yes of course! And he said 'I really missed you this weekend mummy. You're my best friend.' Apparently he wet the bed on Sat night. He has only ever wet the bed once in his life, so he must have been stressed :(

I get so angry on their behalf, and it's such a waste of energy. I'm going NC with XH after this time. He knows my number, he knows their school/nursery details. I'm done. He can make his own effort to stay in touch for a while - I'm going to focus on giving the DC a danm good Christmas and NY myself.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 01/12/2013 22:39

We've never given my OH's ex wife our contact details or even told her where we are going on our hols. Why would we?