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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my mum for being annoyed at me?

68 replies

luigiwin · 01/12/2013 14:20

My mum is annoyed at me because today is the first anniversary of my grandads death and i dont want to travel an hour and a half to light a candle where he is scattered. DD is 4 months so I dont want to travel too far with her and I have an in laws christmas meal tonight. My mum is fuming as she doesnt think i should be celebrating christmas on this day. Firstly its DDs first christmas so im really excited and secondly I respect that my mum wants to head up there, why cant she respect that i just wanted to say a prayer for him this morning and forget?

OP posts:
rabbitlady · 01/12/2013 14:23

her grief. her power. who knows?
your way seems to be right for you. she'll have to get on with doing it her way. don't let her annoy you. its not worth it.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 01/12/2013 14:23

I would have gone, I would be there supporting my mum through this.

ZillionChocolate · 01/12/2013 14:25

It's difficult. I think it depends on why she wants you there. I'd be willing to go if she needed support, but not if it was just that that's what she thought you ought to do.

DameDeepRedBetty · 01/12/2013 14:26

Does your mum have anyone else to support her today?

paxtecum · 01/12/2013 14:31

I have great difficulty remembering dates of deaths, even of my own parents, but I do think of them often.

I think your DM is BU.
I would remind by DCs that it is the anniversary (if I remembered it), but wouldn't expect them to join in a memorial service every year.

I am quite matter of fact about death and believe that life is perfect in every way after death.

Remember and respect the dead and enjoy the day with your DD.

Original poster
luigiwin · 01/12/2013 14:33

My dad has gone down with my mum and he was great calming her down and comforting her a year ago and i know he will be today. I understand that she is upset but its more the fact that she thinks its selfish of me not to go, i really dont believe in lighting candles for the 45minutes that they tried to resusate him and blowing them out at hod time of death etc... Like i said in the post if she wants to i respect that but i just see it as a bit of a downer, i like to prey for him then remember him as he was the last time i saw him, not think about the day he died. Its just that she wont seem to respect the way i want to do it.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 01/12/2013 14:34

If it weren't for the 4 month old baby I'd say YABU. But, a 90 minute drive with a child of that age should have a break of at least half hour AFAIK, unless you've got a lie flat car seat? So it would be 2 hours each way. That's 4 hours, with baby, plus time with your DM, to light a candle, when you've already got plans. Sorry but IMHO she is being a bit unreasonable. Although I can see there are extenuating circumstances so I'd be inclined to try & make it up to her.

Musicaltheatremum · 01/12/2013 14:42

Grief is a funny thing isn't it? My daughter flew up last year for the first anniversary of her dad's death to be with me but actually it was fine and we had a lovely meal out. However if it had been this year she would not have been able to come up due to timetable commitments and i would have respected that. I am in no doubt you are thinking of him a lot today but you have your own commitments.

happydaze77 · 01/12/2013 14:44

This might sound really harsh but I will say it anyway.

You have every right to do what you want on this day. Likewise so does she, of course. But she had no right to tell others what to do.

Your mum is not alone as she has your Dad to help her through it.

I presume that your granddad was 'a good age' when he died? In which case why should his death be viewed as a great tragedy that must be mourned on that day every year forever more?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I honestly don't mean it to be. I just think that everyone should be entitled to mark these anniversaries in their own preferred way and not have anything forced upon them.

happydaze77 · 01/12/2013 14:51

Having said that, it is understandable that her emotions are running high atm.

capsium · 01/12/2013 15:00

Agree with happydaze77

I also think your Mum will get over it when she has calmed down. People lash out sometimes, when they are feeling emotional.

As for having a celebratory meals with your in-laws, they are part of your family too now. She cannot really comment.

I'd just give her some space for a while but be pleasant when you next talk to her and take it from there..

DixieWest · 01/12/2013 15:07

YANBU to not want to travel that far with a small baby. I think it's a bit dickish for you to go for a meal with your in laws though Hmm can see why she's pissed off about that. You could have changed the day out of respect really and made time for a chat on the phone.

Sixweekstowait · 01/12/2013 15:17

I agree with happy - the most relevant fact is that she had your dad to be with her. I would never have expected anything from my dd on first anniversary of my parents' death - completely different if 1st anniversary of dh ( her fathers) death of course.

paxtecum · 01/12/2013 15:28

My DF was ill for six months and it was a relief when he finally passed.
He hated being an invalid, though he wasn't in pain.

Shortly after he died, some one said to me 'I know exactly how you feel - you just want your Dad back in his hospital bed'.
Actually, that was the very last thing that I wanted!
That's when I realised that different people deal differently with death.

YANBU.

mrsjay · 01/12/2013 15:29

yanbu but your mum was upset I hope it settles down , It was her dad and she wanted the family to be there upset can make people selfish for a while but you did nothing wrong dont be angry with your mum though

Iamsparklyknickers · 01/12/2013 16:05

YANBU, grief is such a personal thing it's not often two people manage to completely understand one another.

A member of my family didn't go to my DM's funeral. It hurt me deeply at the time but I can see now that it was just to painful for them and that's a part of their grieving process, I certainly don't hold any ill about it now and feel a bit sorry for them that it wasn't something that they could use to process their sadness.

Do you think making a call to your mum on the evening after she's been to give her half an hour of remembering your Grandad and seeing how she is would go down well at all? I know not everyone would react particularly well to that but it's a small compromise to offer while not losing the message that you don't want to dwell.

TidyDancer · 01/12/2013 16:05

If it was that important to her, I would've gone to support her. I understand your perspective though.

CoffeeTea103 · 01/12/2013 16:06

If you didn't have a child then you would have been ur to go but understandably you won't want to do the trip with the baby.
On the other hand it is thoughtless and unkind of you to have this Xmas dinner tonight, all jolly and celebrating know the significance of today. You dm has good reason to be upset at this.

FigEater · 01/12/2013 16:12

Yanbu not to go with a baby but yabu to specifically go out and have fun with people who didn't know him esp as this is only first anniversary. To her it probably feels like you've already moved on and forgotten. Could the in laws thing not be another night?

HoHolepew · 01/12/2013 16:17

There is nothing wrong with the op going for a meal. Its been a year not an hour Hmm. She has already said that she will remember him in her own way.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/12/2013 16:19

I also agree with happydaze77 and with capsium

Both eminently sensible posts.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 01/12/2013 16:24

I think your mum's ceremony sounds a bit bizarre - another person could find it quite upsetting to participate in that, letting the candle burn for the period if his resuscitation. Is today the only day you can celebrate with your in laws?

Moxiegirl · 01/12/2013 16:26

Yanbu and can't believe people are saying you shouldn't go out either!

pictish · 01/12/2013 16:28

I disagree coffeetea and strenuously so.
Of the OP's mum feels it appropriate to embrace her grief on a date that is significant to her, then that is her choice.
She may not expect or hope to force the same onto her daughter.

HoHolepew · 01/12/2013 16:31

I agree the candle being lit for the length of time it took to try to resuscitate him is a bit odd.