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AIBU?

To be annoyed at my mum for being annoyed at me?

68 replies

luigiwin · 01/12/2013 14:20

My mum is annoyed at me because today is the first anniversary of my grandads death and i dont want to travel an hour and a half to light a candle where he is scattered. DD is 4 months so I dont want to travel too far with her and I have an in laws christmas meal tonight. My mum is fuming as she doesnt think i should be celebrating christmas on this day. Firstly its DDs first christmas so im really excited and secondly I respect that my mum wants to head up there, why cant she respect that i just wanted to say a prayer for him this morning and forget?

OP posts:

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Bettercallsaul1 · 01/12/2013 18:47

I think this is an unfortunate clash between two ways of grieving. Your mother's is very literal - she wants to be. at the place where your grandfather's ashes were scattered and keep a candle lit for the time that medical staff were trying to revive him. You don't feel the same need to be physically present and that should be respected. Also. this is your grandfather, but your mother's father which makes quite a difference in the level of mourning. The only really valid reason for you going would be to support your mother but , as your father is going, I can see why you don't feel you have to go too.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are choosing to spend the day - I actually think it is very healthy. You have a baby girl. - your mother's granddaughter - and you are looking to the future. In the midst of death, there is life and it is right to celebrate it.

luigiwin · 01/12/2013 19:00

LtEveDallas i dont think you are harsh or insensitive in any way you seem to have the same mindset as me. Id rather think of good times when he was here than bad times now because he is not. BetterCasual1 DM and i do clash quite often as were both quite strong minded. To make it worse we both suffer from depression so small arguments get blown out of proportion (not blaming her as sometimes i go too far too) an example would be her getting annoyed that i didnt want to have his name somewhere in DD's name so he lives on, donald is hardly a girls name.

OP posts:

Bettercallsaul1 · 01/12/2013 19:04

You were quite right to stand your ground on that one as well, OP!

liquidstate · 01/12/2013 19:13

I don't think you were unreasonable. People grieve and remember the dead in different ways. Your mum was not alone. You are not uncaring for missing this (and am blowing a big raspberry at the posters who have said so).

Do make a point of seeing your mum soon though.

strugglinginsilence · 01/12/2013 20:50

Ummm LtE but you do. This is a terrible time of year for people who are grieving and you make it sound so superficial and glib. My point was simply nobody should judge/be annoyed by how people grieve. You don't have to agree/go along with but don't criticise.

It is far too sensitive an issue for this forum where people seem to think blowing raspberries at people who are suffering is OK!?!?!

IWishYouWould · 01/12/2013 22:36

nope YANBU. Sorry for your sad day. Your mum needs to respect your right to remember your GF in your own way. I hope your evening has helped.

haveyourselfashandy · 01/12/2013 22:55

I would have gone.I would have wanted to be there for my mum but reading your posts I understand why you didn't go.Marking the day would be important to me too but I don't think many people feel the same.I'm abit weird like that.

Joysmum · 02/12/2013 00:18

I'd have gone. I don't see car journeys as too arduous and I'd want to be there to support my mum if she'd lost her dad. I wouldn't see it as my mum wanting to force me to grieve her way, just see it as helping her to grieve her loss her way. I'd put her needs before mine.

Trooperslane · 02/12/2013 06:33

Agree with Lego.

diddl · 02/12/2013 07:07

Perhaps for your mum it's the two things-not only not going, but also that you are having a night out iyswim.

I suppose she sees it as disrespectful.

She can't help how she feels, but it's up to her how she grieves, & up to you how you do.

firesidechat · 02/12/2013 08:34

I know that it's only a small minority of posters, but I'm quite amazed at those who think going out on the anniversary of a death is somehow disrespectful. I loved my grandparents so much and they were a big part of my life, but they died a very long time ago now and I couldn't tell you what the dates of their deaths were.

I know that my mum's mother died at Christmas because I spent Christmas Eve with my mum getting the death certificate and organising the funeral and I also know that my mum was a bit sad at Christmas for a few years afterwards. Thankfully she would find a candle lit ceremony very strange indeed, so that's one thing I've never had to worry about. We tend to remember their lives and pretty much ignore the sad circumstances of their deaths.

Of course I fully support your mum's need to mark this date in her own way, but you are being perfectly reasonable in not wanting to join her. I would hate it too.

fluffyraggies · 02/12/2013 09:16

YANBU OP.

Had they been adults at the time, I certainly wouldn't have expected my DDs to grieve in the same way as me at the anniversary of their grandad - my father's - death.

If it was the OPs father that had died a year ago, and his mum wanted him by her side for that first anniversary then that's more understandable i think. However this is OPs grandad. He feels he wants to remember his grandad in a different, less graphic, way.

My dear dad passed away 5 years ago. My mum is very into going to his ashes burial site for birthdays and xmas, to lay flowers. She (and he, in fact, when he was alive) always said that when a person passes they are gone, and that attachments to a physical time or place associated with their death was maudlin, and not for them.

She has changed her mind it seems, and that's fine. But at the 2/3 year period after his passing i sensed a bit of upset at the fact that i wasn't turning up at to lay flowers regularly. She has stopped mentioning it lately.

I too like to remember my dad in my own way - as a strong, happy, dependable father. Not the damp patch of ground where we all wept 5 years ago. Grief is a personal thing and an individual should be alowed to express it their own way without being made to feel guilty.

mamapants · 02/12/2013 09:36

I don't really understand not wanting to be there for my mum if she wanted me to be there. Its totally alien to me. If my mum wanted me with her on one day a year for eternity for any reason then I would do that.
If I knew my mum was upset and would appreciate family support why wouldn't I do so.
We spent a whole day travelling with a 4mth old for my grandads funeral which I know is different to an anniversary but if my family needs support then we give it.

Seff · 02/12/2013 11:51

I think that the first year after somebody has died is the hardest, because of all the "milestones". After that, it does start to get easier.

YANBU to say you are unable to go, but equally your mum INBU for wanting her family around her on the first anniversary.

I also don't think grief is a standard thing. You can stop grieving for somebody but an anniversary can bring it all back. She may not be annoyed at you for long.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 02/12/2013 16:32

Marking the date is a hugely personal thing.

I very deliberately did not mark the date that my DF died. Though I was with him at the time and have very clear memory of the days leading up to his death and the day of his death (he was nursed at home at the end).

The thing was that I knew that I wouldnt want to mark the day in the future so deliberately avoided knowing the date.

I would not be happy if my brother decided that I should mark the date the way he wanted to.

LickingMyWounds · 02/12/2013 16:49

Hi. It's a year today since my dad died. I was mightily relieved that no one wanted to mark the day. I've been pottering around, buying bits for Christmas and taking it a bit more easy than usual. It's on my mind but I want to move forward, not fall apart at every milestone. It's a personal thing. You might have found a ceremony upsetting. I would. But because I've been able to tiptoe through the day, it's been okay really. I haven't even mentioned it to my son, he's excited about Xmas and I'm not sure if he's remembered the day but I don't feel a need to remind him.

DixieWest · 02/12/2013 18:27

I will add that if my mother had lost her father and was grieving and she made it clear that this was an important day for her I would absolutely be there no fucking questions. I can imagine my mother would need my support, a year is absolutely nothing when you've been close to someone your entire life, she is probably vulnerable and in need of support, I think you're being pretty selfish not to go. Yes your dad is with her, but I can imagine she'd like you to be there too.

LickingMyWounds · 02/12/2013 18:31

But the OP might be vulnerable too and need to deal with it in her own way. Her mum needs to be sensitive to that too. The OP might be putting a brave face on it.

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