me chooseto ignore me when we go pregnant

[aloneforsure]

he keeps on ignoring my msgs even when i have left day and weeks inbetween msgs and i kept the topic about the baby, was civil to him ans wished him well etc.

i even sent him a pic of me holding a postive test ( he implied i was lying first of all). and i invited him to any scans, plus offered DNA etc.

the only talk we has lasted 7 mins, when he lecured me on the morning after pill and said it would be best if we had NO contact.

AIBU to just want to know how he feels about the baby?

LEM, really supportive parents are the crux here. OP says she has no friends or family at all, has serious health issues involving catheterisation at times and blackouts.

In all honesty, though nothing is ever certain, I can't see this ending well for her or for the baby. I do think she needs to be brutally honest with herself about what she can cope with, what resources are there for her, and what she wants in her future and what sort of future she can provide for her child if she does go ahead with the pregnancy.

Also remember they don't stay newborns. My ds is my world and makes it all worth it.

He doesn't want to have a baby with you, he doesn't want you in his life and a baby will mean that you're lives will be permanently entwined. He'll reject the baby and will resent paying support (assuming he will).

He's entitled to be pissed at you for forcing fatherhood on him. What's so wonderful for him about having an ex he doesn't like having his baby that she can't properly take care of by herself and taking a huge chunk of his income every month?

Women are lucky that having an accident resulting in pregnancy doesn't have to result in forced parenthood with someone they dislike and huge loss of earnings. You have options; abortion or parenthood. He hopes you pick the first because he doesn't want to be part of the second, something he is entitled to feel. If you are going to pick the second, leave him out of it.

You sound very immature. Both of you. I feel sorry for this child. I hope it makes you grow up.

I can't imagine why you would go ahead with this pregnancy to be honest.
You can't cope alone practically or financially.
He doesn't want you or the baby.
You are in poor health.
Your only recourse is benefits.

You simply don't sound mature enough to take this on and your main concern appears to be game playing.

I think your priority should be whether continuing with this pregnancy is responsible at all.

Perfect storm you are absolutely right

Alone - you need to focus on the things you can control/influence, and forget about trying to get some sort of response from this man.

Firstly, you need to see a midwife and your GP, and have a long and honest chat with them about your health, and what can be done to improve it so that you could, if you so chose, care for your baby safely, on your own.

Then you need to decide whether you are capable emotionally, physically and practically, of going through with the pregnancy and raising this child on your own. Assume that, whatever you decide, you will be doing it without support or input from him and his family - don't go ahead with things on the basis of hoping that he or his family will help out. If you go ahead with the pregnancy, and he or his family decide to contact you and be involved, that will be a bonus - but from what you have said about him, I do NOT think you should be depending on any help from him whatsoever.

Then I think you send this man one simple message, telling him either that you are having a termination, or that you have decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and then leave it at that. If he then decides to contact you, and be involved, that will be a bonus - but if he doesn't, you will already have planned things so that you can cope without him - you won't be waiting for his responses, or relying on help from him.

zatya no, he is not "entitled" to resent having fatherhood enforced on him. He may well think that way but the only sure way of avoiding becoming a father is either celibacy or the snip. If he wants to have sex then he has to accept children might be a consequence.

The reality is that fatherhood can't be enforced on anyone - that's the huge difference between men and women.

Men can be forced to pay a relatively small chunk of income every month. That's it. It doesn't even touch the sides of the true costs unless they're earning substantially ahead of the national average, though as it currently tops up benefits (not sure how long the current administration will allow that last-gasp Labour innovation to last, tbh) and it has absolutely nothing to do with the actual work of childrearing, which is all-encompassing and 24/7 for the first five years. I'm always a bit when people try to compare pregnancy, birth and then 20 years of childcare with a salary deduction. They simply aren't equivalent, and while that's just nature - a woman can only walk away from her child by terminating, or later on by adoption; a man can refuse all contact and let the CSA deduct the cash - it's also the facts.

And why should a child be deprived of that money, when already deprived of a dad? Why prioritise his needs to spend that cash, which has been calculated as from discretionary spending, rather than his child's need to have it? It's not the woman's money either. It's the child's.

Sorry, should read though as it currently tops up benefits (not sure how long the current administration will allow that last-gasp Labour innovation to last, tbh) it improves the lives of poorer and better off kids alike,

I was also wondering if this is an age gap relationship. OP, wanting to have children one day and being willing to be a father as a result of a one night stand with someone you don't know and don't want anything to do with is quite another.
Also, the fact that he has a large and supportive family who loves their grandchildren doesn't mean they will welcome your baby with open arms. Especially if he tells them you are some nut job who trapped him into getting you pregnant and he's not even sure the baby is his. He is telling you this, so it is likely that he is telling his family this too. He doesn't want you or your baby. He has made up his mind. He is not procrastinating or saying he is not sure.

I think the OP and the situation she describes simply give ammunition to those who resent benefits being used to help the Irresponsible.
I believe totally in the use of a fair and reasonable system to help those who need it and am appalled by the current treatment of the sick and vulnerable. However I don't think this situation warrants bringing a baby into the world that its father doesn't want, and its mother is too immature to cope with, can't support and is already using as a weapon.

aloneforsure I've read all your posts and I'm trying to work out whether you don't speak English as your first language, you have some mild learning difficulties of some sort (please don't be insulted - my DD has LD) or are just typing abbreviated messages? Whichever it is, you haven't been very clear what your thoughts are.

I think this man has confused you because you know that he has told you he 'wanted children one day' and here you are, with a child that is 'his' and he doesn't want it. The trouble is, he's making it clear that he wants a child one day, with a woman; not this child, not now, not with you.

You need to look at the following:

1. Do you want to carry on with this pregnancy? You're 9 weeks now, any plans for termination will take at least 3 weeks to sort out and your options diminish rapidly thereafter.

1. Is your medical condition defined? Do you know why you black out? Are any medications compatible with pregnancy? Are you at risk of having birth complications?

1. Can you provide a stable life for a child? If not, have you considered adoption, etc?

1. What do you want?

You can't push this man to keep contact with you. He doesn't want to know.

Think he is entitled to feel resentful in all honesty. They both had unprotected sex, she says he'd said about the morning after pill. Now someone he doesn't want to be with holds in her hands whether or not he becomes a dad (in the biological sense anyway). It must suck having no say. It is the woman's body and she does have the choice though, doesn't make it any fairer on a man. If a woman doesn't want the baby after careless behaviour, she has an abortion, a man doesn't have that option.

I think fifi has a point. They've both had Irresponsible unprotected sex. He did mention the morning after pill and she took no notice.
I don't see why wider society should have to pick up the results of her continuing with the pregnancy and my concern is for the poor child being saddled with immaturity, irresponsibility and no family support network.

Also, if he's having unprotected sex, have you had yourself checked out for STD's? They could well be harmful to the baby.

You knew you probably wouldn't have a job after Christmas and you still put yourself at risk of pregnancy?

A man does have a say though fifi. He can choose not to have unprotected sex in the first place. He will have been well aware that by choosing not to use protection that it is quite likely the result of that will be a baby. Of course he does'nt have a say after conception since we all have autonomy over our own bodies. That's just biology.

The reason I mentioned the age gap is because I'm wondering if the op is a lot younger than the man involved - that's the impression I get from her posts - of course I may be wrong

What is it with people saying she should get rid because of the ops disabilities. I have disabilities and probably take better care of my son than some normal people.

My cousin with cerebral palsy is having a baby, i suppose some posters here would wish her to be sterilised. How barbaric that people think disabled people shouldn't breed.

The op needs support on moving on without her ex, not condemnation for being disabled. How cruel people have become.

Litha, the difference is the OP is saying she defintiely can't cope on her own and has a response as to why any suggestion won't work. Which suggests to me she won't cope and she and the baby will have a miserable life. For people in general, whether disability or not, I wish them luck and if they think the baby will be loved and they will cope with being a parent then I believe their child will be one of the lucky ones.

Any disability she has has sod all to do with it and I think the suggestion that it has is grossly offensive. I'm concerned that she's demonstrating total irresponsibility and an expectation that others will pick up the slack and that the baby is coming into a miserable life and is already being used as a pawn.

Yes sooty. The prime consideration here should be for the baby. It would be most unfair so it to suffer due to the irresponsible behaviour of both parents.

Really, he lectured you about the morning after pill? He should have lectured himself on the use of condoms, what a saddo.

Stop listening to gossip. It will all be unpleasant. Don't allow his 'friends' spiteful gossip pressurise you into keeping the baby just to prove it's real. They'll start out with 'they only had unprotected sex, she can't be pregnant!' then move on to saying he's not the father, then if that get's proved there will be a lot of whinging about custody and support. We've all watched Jeremy Kyle and the likes, we know the drill! You will not get any heart-felt apologies from that type.

The fact is, it sounds like he is going to be thoroughly unpleasant whatever happens - so forget him. Report him to the CSA if you have the baby and hopefully he will be made to contribute financially if nothing else, but you really need to think about what YOU want. No what-ifs. You can't count on his family to step up. You need to look at reality as it is now. Do you think you could cope? That is the only thing you should be giving serious thought to right now.

Litha, disability by itself isn't an issue. Disability in someone without any friends or family as support, who can't understand what a man who wants no contact at all with her wants for their future as co-parents because he said he wanted kids one day and here she is, pregnant... that isn't analogous to your past situation.

She has obviously got various emotional, physical and financial issues she very much needs and deserves support with, but while she is working on those issues, I don't honestly think she will have the resources needed for parenting. There's no money, no family or friendship network to offer support, emotional difficulties, boundary difficulties and physical disability. Focusing in on any one area while not treating them all as interconnected IMO does her a disservice. She's her, not any other poster, and her situation is the one being talked about. Clearly the choice must be hers, and she alone can make it, but pretending most issues don't exist because you identify with one and found it really manageable dealing with that one doesn't IMO help her.

OP, I hope you're doing okay. This must be hellish, please don't think we don't know that.