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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

me chooseto ignore me when we go pregnant

142 replies

aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 07:46

he keeps on ignoring my msgs even when i have left day and weeks inbetween msgs and i kept the topic about the baby, was civil to him ans wished him well etc.

i even sent him a pic of me holding a postive test ( he implied i was lying first of all). and i invited him to any scans, plus offered DNA etc.

the only talk we has lasted 7 mins, when he lecured me on the morning after pill and said it would be best if we had NO contact.

AIBU to just want to know how he feels about the baby?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 10:23

It's hard to potentially figure his family in as potential support if he doesn't want the child....(not saying they wouldn't want to). I feel you need to think of your health and how you will bring the baby up alone. Of course if you decide to terminate or are indeed thinking of that you need to get some advice pretty soon.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 10:27

IThink without his and hisfamily's support the op feels she has to abort. And I agree. But if that support was in place she'd gladly keep the baby.
That said, if you kept the baby then split youd have to have sole care of the baby at times which sounds likd it would be dangerous. And I think even if this does get smoothed over you will split either before birth or shortly after.

bellasuewow · 01/12/2013 10:30

Why are you having the baby if he doesn't want one is that fair on any of you.

Monetbyhimself · 01/12/2013 10:33

Bohemisn so you're the type of mother who raises sons who walk away from their responsibilities ? You must be so very proud of your menz Hmm

VisualiseAHorse · 01/12/2013 10:34

If he told you he wanted you to have an abortion, would you get one?

qazxc · 01/12/2013 10:38

Do not factor anyone else in making your decision OP, not your ex, not his family. They may or may not support you, there's no way of knowing so i would assume the worse. Better to be pleasantly surprised than left high and dry having counted on their help.

Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 10:39

visualise probably not depends on health issues, how would i cope etc.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 01/12/2013 10:41

It is very obvious that he doesn't want the baby. You both sound very immature. I also thought you were both teenagers.

Whether you choose to keep it or not is up to you but I would think very hard if you will be able to cope alone, particularly with your health issues.
Being a single parent is very, very hard work, especially parenting a baby.

Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 10:41

bellSUE, HE DIDNT SAY never wanted a baby just that he wanted no contact, so shouldnt make any difference to him.

OP posts:
OddFodd · 01/12/2013 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mia4 · 01/12/2013 10:44

OP this is going to sound harsh, he doesn't want you for whatever reason and as a result he doesn't want a child with you because he'll feel linked forever with you. It's exactly how my uncle felt, which was why the wanker ran out on my aunt when she had a baby and why he never sees her or pays for her. He's put up a wall and broken that link.

Your ex-partner doesn't want you in his life in any way and he knows that with a baby you will always be tied together- he will have to pay maintenance, or even if he ignores will at least be hassled by the csa, if his family find out they might also want to meet their new relation...do you see.

It's shitty but that is the reason, he wants a complete break. He can't have that if you choose to keep the baby, that decision is yours though-not his. Just don't expect him to suddenly want you or the baby once it's born because you'll be wasting your time and hurting the both of you.

People are understanding you, i just don't think you want to acccept the truth I expect you want to have him say the words 'i don't want this baby' because you are hoping he will change his mind. And maybe a part of you wants closure on that. Actions speak louder then words though OP and his actions say 'leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you both'.

You need to stop texting him, that's just fueling his behaviour and hurting yourself. If someone doesn't want to do something then constantly persistent communication can make you more stubborn in sticking with your belief. From his pov, he probably feels very harassed and less likely to want anything to do with you. He's a wanker OP but that doesn't sound like it's going to change any time soon so you need to think on yourself.

Do you want this baby? If so you need to think like a single parent and start looking into the help that's about and preparing to do it alone. Also, stop texting him, decide what you want to do and go NC, let him approach you to find out what's going on but contact csa for monetary support.

PesterPower · 01/12/2013 10:46

This sounds like such a stressful time OP. I really feel for you.

I think the best thing you can do is take him out of the equation.

Decide what you want to do and if you think you can cope by yourself because it looks like that's how this will go.

Don't play any more silly games. You can rise above this and be the decent one in this.

I was in a similar situation - ex not at all interested in the baby, ignored my contact etc. The only thing I could do was offer him the choice.

DD is 12 now. He is not involved. His parents and family are though because I gave everyone the choice.

The thing is, I can look my DD in the eye and tell her I was fair, I gave him the choice and I acted in a dignified way. She can see which one of us has done the right thing an your child will to. You can't control his reaction to this baby. You can only make sure yours is fair and not something you'll be ashamed to explain to your child in years to come.

Good luck.

NK5BM3 · 01/12/2013 11:05

How much clearer a signal do you want? He wants nothing to do with you. He has already said that. So the decision now is do you or can you have a baby by yourself?

You indicate you have bad health and no family and friends. I would say based on the first reason alone you can't have the baby.

You also say in a post (I'm again paraphrasing) that he knows that you cheat (!?). Is that right? In which case from his point of view, how can he be sure that the baby is his? Offering DNA tests etc is besides the point isn't it? The fact is this isn't a baby that will be brought into the world in some sort of 'happy situation'.

You say he's 31 and has a 'career'. How old are you? And what job do you do?

bellasuewow · 01/12/2013 11:05

sorry have you been fair to your child and done your best by having a. Child with someone who did not want to be a parent. You wanted a child despite the other person not wanting one and the fact it would mean your child had to grow up with a parent who did not want them. That is damaging and unfair. Sorry but I think your child may grow up and really judge you both harshly for that as you made a decision based on what you wanted. Men have the right to be parents to or not to be. Both men and women need to take responsibility and stop having unplanned and unwanted pregnancies how can a child be happy with one parent that does not want them.

Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 11:07

I also picked up on the bit about you cheating but wasn't sure if it was a typo....

perfectstorm · 01/12/2013 11:07

By saying he wants nothing to do with you and ignoring all contact, he is telling you by his actions, very clearly, that he does not want a relationship with you or the baby. He is telling you even more clearly than in words. Listen to that silence and accept what it is telling you. He is out of the picture other than in terms of CSA ordered maintenance.

If you think there is likely to be social services involvement (why would there be? What is the background to that - have you had mental health problems and/or a record of drug abuse or something?) then I would call them and discuss what support they can offer you if you have the baby. It'll go a lot better for you if you contact them and ask for help than they intervene.

I think you need to see your GP and talk to them honestly about your situation. 9 weeks is very early and if you don't feel you can cope as a single mother to a newborn (and bluntly, I don't think I could without support from friends/family either - even then, it would be a struggle) then you could terminate relatively easily. I also think, whatever you decide, that you need to ask for professional psychological help - not just a counsellor, a fully qualified psychologist. You say you have no friends and no family and you sound lonely, and rather as though you hoped this man would be able to offer you that family and social life you miss. That's very human, and normal, and I do think you might benefit from some support in working through your history and your emotions so you can start to build those things for yourself.

I do think you need to consider whether you are emotionally ready for a child. They take and take and take emotionally, physically and mentally when small. They push almost everyone to breaking point. They're very much worth it when you have enough inner and practical resources to handle that and meet those needs enough that you can receive back. If you can't, it can be hell for everyone - including, and perhaps especially, the baby.

How did you meet the baby's father, and were you together very long? How serious was it?

LambinsideaDuckinsideaTrout · 01/12/2013 11:09

Oh god I feel sorry for this baby.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 01/12/2013 11:19

OP you sound incredibly immature. You really need to think about whether you are ready and capable of being a parent before your pregnancy progresses any further.

That is very good advice from Alibaba.

And so is this from Perfect:

I think you need to see your GP and talk to them honestly about your situation. 9 weeks is very early and if you don't feel you can cope as a single mother to a newborn (and bluntly, I don't think I could without support from friends/family either - even then, it would be a struggle) then you could terminate relatively easily

You should stop obsessing with HIM and go no contact. He now has nothing to do with this. Get yourself to GP or Brook Advisory.

Sallyingforth · 01/12/2013 11:19

OP you need to forget all about this man. He has already made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that means not with you either. He has already had all that he wanted from you. You are only teasing yourself by maintaining direct contact with him.
Your priorities now are only for you and your baby. If you want to keep the baby you must make sure that its father pays his share of its upbringing (if he can't pay now he probably will be able to in future years). If you can't keep the baby then you need to take advice on termination very soon. Good luck!

fifi669 · 01/12/2013 11:20

In all honesty looking ahead I think a newborn is the least of your issues. You will need support given your black outs etc, and also given your apparent immaturity. Find out if enough is available to you before you make any decisions. You can put a baby down but good help you when they're a toddler this will be a challenging time for you! That really is repetitive, relentless and frustrating. They'll be into everything, you need 8 arms, the patience of a saint and eyes in the back of your head.

See the big picture. With the help that's offered will you be able to cope at every stage? Don't include any of his family in your plans, you don't know how they'll be involved. If you can't cope, you may have to consider either ending the pregnancy or having the child adopted. Being pretty anti abortion I don't say these things lightly.

flippinada · 01/12/2013 11:22

What a sad situation.

I'm surprised no-one has mentioned this (or maybe they have and I've missed it) but I'm wondering if there's an age difference here?

I agree, unfortunately, that he clearly doesn't want the baby and has no intention of supporting you so you really need to concentrate on yourself and your baby, if you want to continue with the pregnancy.

LEMisafucker · 01/12/2013 11:23

This was me 23 years ago - i was 19 and pregnant by a short term boyfriend, we had pretty much gone our separate ways before i found out i was pregnant. He absolutely didn't want to know and i couldn't understand how he could just not have anything to do with his baby. I tried to take DD to see him when she was born but his parents called the police BlushAngry All i did was knock on their door. Anyway, thats the past - I do rather regret i didn't keep my dignity and maintain no contact but its not a big deal.

Heres the thing - No contact was 100% the right thing to do, no being let down on visits, no missing an absent parent - my DD asked about him once, when she was 15, it is no loss to her.

You need to decide if you want this baby, as a single parent because he is NOT going to change his mind. Time is not on your side, how pregnant are you? FWIW having my DD1 as a single parent was absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. I had very supportive parents, it was hard, but worth it.

OddFodd · 01/12/2013 11:32

But LEM, as you said, you had very supportive parents (as do I). But the OP isn't in that situation. She says she has no one and has serious health issues. It's not a great situation :(

PesterPower · 01/12/2013 11:49

OP - you do need to think very hard about what you could offer this baby to be honest.

And you need to accept that the baby will NOT keep a link between you two if he doesn't want it to.

LithaR · 01/12/2013 12:06

You have my sympathies op. Having been through similar myself with a long distance partner. He cut all contact and i tried to get closure for myself. I also have seizures and other disabilities. If you decide to continue accept all the help places like sure start offer. Talk to your midwife about your worries.

with me my midwife said worrying is a sign of caring. You will be a great mother and you don't need a man to help. Even with blackouts it's possible with sure start and ss support. Hope things get better for you op Thanks