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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

me chooseto ignore me when we go pregnant

142 replies

aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 07:46

he keeps on ignoring my msgs even when i have left day and weeks inbetween msgs and i kept the topic about the baby, was civil to him ans wished him well etc.

i even sent him a pic of me holding a postive test ( he implied i was lying first of all). and i invited him to any scans, plus offered DNA etc.

the only talk we has lasted 7 mins, when he lecured me on the morning after pill and said it would be best if we had NO contact.

AIBU to just want to know how he feels about the baby?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/12/2013 09:40

OP - I'm sorry you feel people aren't getting the point but you haven't expressed yourself clearly at all, perhaps until your last post.

It wasn't clear how old you both were, whether you were even in an established relationship or anything.

Of course you would like to discuss things with him, but from his point of view there is clearly nothing to discuss. He doesn't want to be involved with you or the baby.
You now have to decide what you are going to do and forget about him. You cannot force him to be interested.

Serenitysutton · 01/12/2013 09:41

I don't understand alone- do you want him to decide whether or not you have an abortion? Or do you want for you to both agree whether of not go have one?

Sadly he's very clearly telling you that he has no concern what you do. Go quiet, have a week to yourself to decide what you want to do . His friends etc- this couldn't be less their business. Don't worry about them. Stop wrapping up your anxieties in him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/12/2013 09:41

We are getting the point.

He is telling you he wants nothing to do with the baby. And also that he doesn't trust you and frankly has a low opinion of you.

Don't lower yourself to send him any more messages.

He truly sounds awful and you would manage better alone.

But I suspect you just want us to tell you ways to get him to talk to you so wont listen

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/12/2013 09:43

You will have to get practical help elsewhere. .you can't make him give it, sadly

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 09:43

What he wants or thinks is irrelevant, although I'd argue he's made it clear.
If you need practical help then you need to work out how you will make that happen, taking him out of the equation. It sounds like even if he does 'come back' it may be short lived, especially when there's a crying baby and a mother who no longer wants sex or fun.
You both sound incredibly immature. He is 31 and has a 'career'. Bloody hell. What a complete and utter loser.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/12/2013 09:43

x-posts with your last post.

So you wouldn't be able to look after the baby on your own? It would, IMO, be unwise to have a baby in those circumstances.
You cannot have the baby and then hope that he will 'come around' and be suddenly happy to be involved and help.

Monetbyhimself · 01/12/2013 09:49

You are going to have to stop and think of practicalities. It may take some time for the CSA to make him provide financial support. Will you qualify for maternity pay ? Is your accomodation appropriate ? What impact will a pregnancy have on your health? What childcare will you need when you go back to work ? Is moving nearer your family an option ? Any decisions about continuing with the pregnancy or not are yours alone. Hard as it is, you need to remove him from the equation for now.

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 09:52

OP, do you want a child?

Pagwatch · 01/12/2013 09:55

I'm sorry my post was so brusque but you need to stop factoring him into your decision making.
You need to proceed on the basis that you would be having this child alone.

I am rather concerned that you think he is suddenly going to have some sort of awakening and fall in love with the idea of being a father.
He won't. You are making decisions just for you and your child.

Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 09:58

it is unlikely i will have my job after xmas so i will get govt benefits. i live in a small 1 bed flat which will do for now.

health issues causes me to faint and haveblackout i sometimes need a catheteter, when i told the dr i miight be pregnant she did not seem concerned. i have no family or friends.

its just going to be me and the baby.

OP posts:
HedgehogsRevenge · 01/12/2013 09:58

OP, you need to stop obsessing over what HE thinks. His actions are telling you exactly what he thinks anyway. You are the one who is pregnant. He is extremely unlikely to give you the support you will need. You have no family and health problems, do you think you can raise a child alone? That is the only question you need to be thinking about. His thoughts on abortion are completely irrelevant seeing as he will be neither carrying or raising this child.

Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 09:59

I'm slightly confused by some of this post....I guess it boils down to what you want to do. Do you want to have the baby are you able to care for and support a child? I wouldn't figure the father in any plans, he has made his feelings clear with his lack of response.

Only1scoop · 01/12/2013 10:01

How many weeks are you or have I missed that somewhere? If so apologies

Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 10:03

alilbia

he comes from a very large loving family where they dote on the grandkids/nephews etc. That would provide some much needed support to me.
I fear that without him, i may have to rely on statutory service and that social services may get involved.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 10:03

OP do you want a baby?

Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 10:09

im only JUST 9 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
aloneforsure · 01/12/2013 10:10

yes i really do want the baby, but i dont think i can cope

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 10:10

oh dear :( That's difficult. Do you have no one around you who can support you? Have you seen a midwife yet?

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2013 10:11

I really am starting to see where you're coming from on this.

qazxc · 01/12/2013 10:12

OP. I know how hard it is to hear when you are hung up on someone but he clearly does not want a relationship with you. He thinks you are playing games, and seeing that in your posts you mention you might do exactly that does not help matters.

Take him out of the equation :

  • can you afford to have a baby?
  • are your living arrangements suitable.
-is your health up to it (both pregnancy and looking after a child)
  • do you want this baby (and not just as a pawn in mindgames with your ex).
  • going forward how will you support you and your baby (when you find a job who will look after the child, etc...)
  • how do you feel about a termination

you have to make the decision yourself, it does not matter what he thinks.

specialsubject · 01/12/2013 10:12

stop wasting your time with texts.

he's got what he wanted from you and doesn't care about you or your baby. If you continue with the pregnancy you will be on your own.

so if you are continuing, get real and start planning for housing, income etc etc. And yes, you will have to make a CSA claim.

starlight1234 · 01/12/2013 10:16

I think you need to take them out the equasion of support too... Family support there own if he wants nothing to do with this child, which he is clearly saying the family will follow in my experience although there are exceptions to this.

You sound unsure if you want the baby. you need to decide if you want to bring up this baby on your own? Then you need to ask direct questions to your doctors about your health and then start looking at support services for when the baby is born...

You do need to not message him anything... It will not help anything in the descisions you need to make...

BohemianGirl · 01/12/2013 10:20

I tell my sons about women like you OP. You scare and horrify me in equal measures. I dread any of my sons getting embroiled with someone as devious and manipulative as you.

fifi669 · 01/12/2013 10:22

Dangling an abortion in front of him is incredibly immature and the fact you say you're not a youngster and would say this is astounding.

That aside, you need to forget about him. Easier said than done I know. When ex left I was 20 weeks pregnant, I did the texts, the tearful phone calls, he was horrible. Even after DS was born and he showed some interest, all the mind games and put downs continued. DS hasn't seen him since March 2012 and he's almost 3 so that's a lot of his life! Sad considering we both live in a town you can cross by foot in 20 minutes. Even if he started to show some interest, it may be the same, fleeting and inconsistent. No good for you or the baby.

If you have medical issues that prevent you from being able to care for a baby alone, I think black outs would suggest this, I think social services will do everything they can to aid you.

NurseRoscoe · 01/12/2013 10:23

If you choose to have the baby your health visitor will be able to advise you of parenting groups and things where you can meet other mums, make friends and get support.

This ex boyfriend sounds like he would do more harm than good. I do kind of understand what you mean about wanting to know if he wants an abortion, if my partner had wanted me to get an abortion I would of refused but not bothered pressuring him for contact or anything unless he came round to the idea and wanted it. If he had told me he wanted to have the baby but didn't want to be with me that would of been ok too, heartbreaking but ok.

I understand that you are running out of time but I think if you really wanted an abortion you would booked one. You say you want the baby so I would advise against abortion, if it's not 100% what you want you could end up regretting it and you can always choose adoption if you don't manage to get things sorted and you really feel like you can't cope.

Don't let this man shape your decision though. Even if he wants no contact his parents etc may still want to know their grandchild?