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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take it personally that this mum excluded dd from party as RSVP too late

166 replies

Fakeblondie · 30/11/2013 09:24

Ok I responded very late , the day before to a party invite to a play zone for dd aged 3 from a lo at her play school.
I'd lost the invite and asked my friend ( the teacher ) if she'd mind telling the mum dd could come to her ds party when she arrived to pick up her son that afternoon as I wouldn't see her and had no contact no
I then received a text from the mum saying at this short notice she could not add my dd to the party as numbers and food orders had already been done.
Now I have 4 dc and yes it's extremely irritating when people don't respond until the day before a party. Sometimes I've even had children turn up I wasn't expecting .
while I put my hands up to the lateness it was the day before and a simple phone call would have been all that was needed it was 4pm and I know if it was me I would have just called the play barn and added one more child .
Sometimes I have felt like sending such a text but I never would really .. it's my dd I felt sorry for. We had been shopping and chosen a present card and a nice bag together and she was really excited as it was her first proper invited party . I then had to tell her we couldn't go and I felt like the worst mum.
I've been working too many hours and won't let that happen again because I've missed appointments forgotten to send things into school and now this . If I wasn't working such silly hours with no help and 4 dc I wouldn't have lost the invite and would have got around to replying earlier .Do you honestly think I'm being unteasonable to think this mum was unreasonable for not adding dd . Or am I being un reasonable and should expect this if one doesn't RSVP earlier ? I have taken it personally and maybe others would do same and not add child . I know how irritating late replies can be but I honestly would never do that x

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/11/2013 12:53

If a child isn't important enough to be included in the original party, I think it's a bit of a cheek to include them because someone drops out!

It's different if you have to pay per head though isn't it. Not everyone can pay £10 a head for a class of 30 children, plus siblings and friends.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell your child that they can invite 10 guests, for example. Then, if one of them can't make it, your child can invite someone else if they want to.

BusyLittleSpider · 30/11/2013 12:54

Oh! have just seen that the OP has said that she agrees she WBU, that will teach me not to read the thread properly!

Sorry Fakeblondie Thanks

GwendolineMaryLacey · 30/11/2013 12:58

It's not about important enough. It's about a venue that can only hold 30 children. Much as we'd love to cram 40 in there we would not be allowed. It's a joint party, I'm having to leave out people I'd want to ask and so are the other family.

If people can't be arsed to reply then they're obviously not that arsed about going. If anyone is playing the importance card it's the non replying parents who are so important that the rules don't apply to them.

Oblomov · 30/11/2013 12:59

I agree that you were being petty to not invite her dd.

Grennie · 30/11/2013 13:03

I would never, as some have suggested, pay extra money out just in case some children turned up on the day. It is different if doing a party at home, but where you have to pay per head, why should a parent pay extra just because some parents haven't RSPVed?

TheDoctrineOfWho · 30/11/2013 13:11

OP hasn't not invited a daughter to something - that was an early poster's suggestion.

3bunnies · 30/11/2013 13:11

Even if you are doing a party at home it's not always practical or possible to squeeze one more in - e.g. dd2 stuffing soft toys. I will order the appropriate number when rsvp are in I can't magic them from Wales overnight if someone decides at last minute that maybe they will come after all. Dd2 is struggling to keep her list under 12. I am ordering in party bag stuff which comes in batches of 12. I probably would have tried to chase OP earlier and would squeeze an extra person in if I could, but other than that you do need to reply on time.

intitgrand · 30/11/2013 13:26

'If I wasn't working such silly hours with no help and 4 dc I wouldn't have lost the invite and would have got around to replying earlier'

another thing you were too busy to reply yet you expect the party mum to have time to ring the venue again and add and pay for your child and possibly chase you for menu options (if they have to decide in advance).

SirChenjin · 30/11/2013 13:31

YABU - although I can imagine it's disappointing for you.

I always RSVP as soon as I take the invite out of the schoolbag - one quick text takes about 30 seconds, that way I know I've done it and it doesn't lost in amongst the -pile of crap-- filing system.

CaroBeaner · 30/11/2013 13:31

"Staff ratios? That is nonsense it clearly says at every one I've been to that its the parents responsibility to supervise kids"

It isn't nonsense.

It is parents responsibility to supervise kids, they still have to have a correct ratio of staff on site and are licensed for specific numbers of kids and overall numbers in the building.

I work in a public venue and am responsible for the premises licence.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 30/11/2013 13:41

Those who say the OP should have phoned the mum she does not have her contact details!

OP, you sound overstretched and I understand how easy it can be to lose things/forget to get round to things when you're stretched too thin.

The mum could maybe have tried to find a way to include DD. I like the suggestion above that perhaps you could offer to pay for her.

waikikamookau · 30/11/2013 13:43

at play parties i have hosted you dont pay til the day and dont confirm the numbers finally until the actual time of the party. so yanbu imo. i think she was wrong. your dd was invited int he first place

HowManyDaysUntilChristmas · 30/11/2013 13:49

The party play place near me charges per child, for entry and then the food so I have to budget carefully when I'm arranging a party. If I've paid for 12 after checking my RSVPs and extras turned up who couldn't be bothered to RSVP I would be peeved as money is tight and the play place would then charge me extra.

tiggytape · 30/11/2013 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DingbatsFur · 30/11/2013 13:53

YABU
DS2 is having a party today. He and I made up a guest list and invited 8 kids. 3 RSVPed immediately. 2 couldn't go so we invited another 2. We needed to have a minimum of 8 kids for the party so that is why a back up.
I had to chase a few other parents for answers which is so ridiculous. Parents should just RSVP. It's not that hard. The day before in unreasonable.

waikikamookau · 30/11/2013 14:00

but surely you invite children, perhaps a couple extra, but you don't just cater for those who replied, they are all invited. regardless of whether or not they rsvp. you surely dont just assume they are not coming if they havent replied
i have done roller skating parties for example where i really need people to let me know their shoe size, for skate hire, but i generally nag my dd to ask her friends to let me know their size.

Sirzy · 30/11/2013 14:02

So what are people to do waki pay for people who may or may not be coming?

If you have booked a party for 12 but only 8 reply do you pay for the extra 4 and just hope they turn up? Or do you invite 4 more children who have parents polite enough to send a "ye we can come" text?

waikikamookau · 30/11/2013 14:05

i see the op's dd is only 3.
the mum of the party imo will learn. in life people do not always RSVP. with the best will in the world. sometimes things go wrong. my youngest dd missed out on two parties, because I forgot all about them. Blush

waikikamookau · 30/11/2013 14:06

and i guess I would have tried to chase the people who i invited for an answer if necessary. dont see the big deal.

SirChenjin · 30/11/2013 14:08

Most venues ask you to confirm numbers a few days prior to the party Waki. If you choose to pay for a few more to cover the ones who haven't RSVP'd then you won't get your money back if those children don't show up. Lucky you if you can afford to take that hit!

SirChenjin · 30/11/2013 14:10

the mum of the party imo will learn

The person who 'learned' was the OP. Get yourself organised, RSVP (which translates as 'I need a reply' as opposed to 'just turn up if you feel like it'), and then you or your child won't lose out when the host quite rightly says 'sod you'.

CaroBeaner · 30/11/2013 14:11

" you surely dont just assume they are not coming if they havent replied " Yes, if you have ASKED that people RSVP, and it is obviously for something that needs to be booked for then you assume that if they have not accepted the invitation then they are not coming!

You would probably, at a party at home or in a hall , not be surprised if a few non-repliers turned up, but in general it is really rude to turn up without having replied, if the invitation asked you to do so!

waikikamookau · 30/11/2013 14:11

and i agree, the mum/host is being a Dick.

SirChenjin · 30/11/2013 14:13

No, the Dick is the person who doesn't RSVP and then wails because her DC has missed out on the party.

No RSVP, no party. Simple.

Grennie · 30/11/2013 14:14

If children turned up at a pay per head party, where their parents hadn't replied, I would be very tempted to refuse to pay extra so they could go.