To take it personally that this mum excluded dd from party as RSVP too late

[Fakeblondie]

Ok I responded very late , the day before to a party invite to a play zone for dd aged 3 from a lo at her play school.
I'd lost the invite and asked my friend ( the teacher ) if she'd mind telling the mum dd could come to her ds party when she arrived to pick up her son that afternoon as I wouldn't see her and had no contact no
I then received a text from the mum saying at this short notice she could not add my dd to the party as numbers and food orders had already been done.
Now I have 4 dc and yes it's extremely irritating when people don't respond until the day before a party. Sometimes I've even had children turn up I wasn't expecting .
while I put my hands up to the lateness it was the day before and a simple phone call would have been all that was needed it was 4pm and I know if it was me I would have just called the play barn and added one more child .
Sometimes I have felt like sending such a text but I never would really .. it's my dd I felt sorry for. We had been shopping and chosen a present card and a nice bag together and she was really excited as it was her first proper invited party . I then had to tell her we couldn't go and I felt like the worst mum.
I've been working too many hours and won't let that happen again because I've missed appointments forgotten to send things into school and now this . If I wasn't working such silly hours with no help and 4 dc I wouldn't have lost the invite and would have got around to replying earlier .Do you honestly think I'm being unteasonable to think this mum was unreasonable for not adding dd . Or am I being un reasonable and should expect this if one doesn't RSVP earlier ? I have taken it personally and maybe others would do same and not add child . I know how irritating late replies can be but I honestly would never do that x

With any party I've arranged, there have ALWAYS been kids turn up on the door, where no RSVP has been sent. Always.

In fact, I have never attended any party when this was the case.

I wouldn't punish the kids for it. Personally I would also not put money in the pocket of any venue that was so ridiculously inflexible.

Food orders a week in advance? (the pp who said this). What food is being prepared?!? Specialist cuisine for a kids party to need to much notice?

There are plenty of reasons why she might not have been able to add your DD. the venue might not allow her to, or she might have a budget and have invited another child to fill your DD's place.

YABVU

It's all very well saying "just one more" but maybe it was half a dozen equally disorganised parents and she very reasonably said no to all of them.

YABU, but I totally get the over-worked, frazzled way you are feeling. It can be hard juggling it all

good on you Op ... it's not often people here take the advice and admit they ABU with such grace. Have a lovely time today with your DC.

I've organised loads of parties at soft play places for my two. It isn't just a case 'of ring up and add another one the day before the party.'
Every single one I've done has had to be ring and confirm numbers the week before the party date.
What was the mum supposed to do when, in her eyes you weren't coming as you hadn't rsvp'd? Keep the place anyway just in case you did decide to turn up?
As I did that for a couple of people at one of the party venues one year.
Then neither turned up, so I was out of pocket for approximately £20 with two dinners going to waste and extra party bags.
Didn't do it again, if you didn't reply I assumed you weren't coming.
YABU, sorry. Reply next time. If you had time to go shopping for presents you had time to send a 2 second text message saying yes please would love to come.
If you couldn't find the number, you should have told the teacher to put a note in childs bookbag or something.

Oh god why are people so petty? I had the same at DDs party with a few very late acceptances. The soft play had already asked me to confirm numbers in advance, true, but they even said to confirm a bit higher as kids always turn up at the last minute, and them we could just pay for who came. These places are well used to it!

Really, yanbu, she would have been able to sort it out.

Hi whereyouleftit ,
My work collegue has been away for 6 weeks so now she is back I'm back to part time hours . Yes I think this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back .
DH works stupid hours anyway and we have no family but some lovely friends about . I really won't agree to working those hours again it was to meet the needs of the organisation I work within and I should have met my family needs first . Another lesson learnt . Will say no next time !

Blimey, things move fast on here. In the time it's taken me to type that an extra two pages have appeared!
Glad to see you realise you're being unreasonable!

I am very curious as to where all these exclusive soft play places so many mumsnetters are taking their kids are.

I have been to more soft plays, and soft play parties, than I can count - in various areas of the UK too, as we have a lot of friends who live scattered about.

They have all been much of a muchness.

.....I don't think you need to hand over the gift. (Although that may make the other mum feel and make you look very gracious and serene, so on second thoughts maybe you should)

Some people can't afford to confirm a bit higher

Some people will fill the places with other children if someone isn't coming

The issue is people not RSVPing not the parents who only plan for children whose parents are polite enough to RSVP

It not petty of the party mum if she had a strict budget. If the OP hadn't replied she probably offered the spot to someone else and she wouldn't have wanted to dish out for another last minute party place and loot bag.

for the OP for taking all the YABU'S with good grace

Yes YABU, but if I was the other mum I would've said I'd let you know if there was a last-minute cancellation.

I am sorry for you and your daughter, but YABU. 4pm the day before the party, when the party is in a commercial venue, is way too late and usu. impossible to accommodate. Had it been at home I would have said you were inconsiderate (albeit involuntarily) but not unreasonable. Sorry.

You would only be confirming for those that you have invited though (so wouldn't have invited if you couldn't afford surely). Do people really have an a and b list for kids parties? I just invited those that dd wanted then whoever came, came. I didn't hold kids in reserve!

I find it odd that a place catering for children's parties would be so inflexible. It's hardly difficult to alter the amount of pizza and chips slightly on the day....

Our two best Soft Play party venues have a set number per room, if you go over you have to have two rooms and this can only be accommodated, if it is available, so there isn't always the ability to be flexible, especially if she asked another child to go in her place and is up to the maximum.

If they can go, you pay an extra £15 per child, on the day, so she could be over budget, especially with Christmas one pay packet away.

We have just arranged one if these for two weeks time, at busy times they made sure that we realised they needed confirmation of numbers three days before. We paid 50% in advanced and would only pay for those that turned up, but couldn't go over 22 in the only room available (being peak time).

Not everywhere during peak times can be flexible, for those making the petty suggestions of excluding the 3 year old party girl in the future, or not handing over the already bought present.

Is the op doing a reverse aibu?

"I don't know, surely you account for suprise turn ups and order extra food and let soft play people know there may be one or two extras showing up?"

Ours is the Tellow Sub in Liverpool and there is one in Speke, no one said they "were exclusive" but they cannot always be flexible, unless you are under the party numbers, in the first instance. Likewise unless you have an unlimited budget, it isn't always possible to make extra Party bags etc.

Don't know why some posters cannot grasp that concept.

Sorry, Yellow Sub.

YABU

However, could you ask the mum if it would be ok to go to the Softplay for the party, you'll pay for your child's entry and meal? Just so that she can still take part in the party?

Well I would have definitely tried to add you on to the party. Just don't see the point in getting all wound up about someone not replying til the day before. I just assume most people are busy, not that they are being difficult. If she can't, then fine. Hang onto the present til next party though. Save some cash!

Well I see you realised ywbu. I did a soft play party for ds3 & lots of places had a minimum of 15dc. When some invitees declined i asked others as I wanted to get the benefit of the paid for place. Would have been unhappy if if have ended up paying for extra few who cba to reply. I'm not broke but I didn't want to overspend. I did bring extra party bags & ordered a bigger cake just in case.

You would only be confirming for those that you have invited though (so wouldn't have invited if you couldn't afford surely). Do people really have an a and b list for kids parties? I just invited those that dd wanted then whoever came, came. I didn't hold kids in reserve!

Some places limit the number themselves. The soft play place locally does a party deal for 12 children for £99 which my nephew is doing soon. Adding any children would really increase the price. 12 children were invited, 11 can attend so one other has now been invited to ensure the numbers are full.

Pretty common practise surely. If its a party at home it is normally easier to be flexible but the party packages and best deals normally come with the 'downside' of not being able to be as flexible.