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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad that no one wants to make Christmas magical and special for me?

129 replies

ShawnSpencer · 29/11/2013 19:27

My parents (who are divorced) spend Christmas at the homes of diff step siblings neither ones will/can invite us over as not enough space. So Xmas day is just us (unfortunately in laws not around any more). So therefore I do all Xmas food etc and create magic and fun for the kids.

My presents this year (yes I know exactly what I am getting this makes me sad no surprise little treats nothing over festive period) are:
Mum - a coat she bought in the sale for her that doesn't fit"so I may as we'll have it"
Dad - a pair of Welles after I commented last week that I was going out to buy a pair and dad said I will buy you those I will give you the cash for them saves me getting you anything
Husband - today we bought an £11 knife block, £4 frying pan and a .40p serving spoon as we need them and husband says great that's you sorted for Xmas I will put them away and give them to you on Xmas day.

No one else buys me gifts as they buy for the children (absolutely fine with this but know it means I won't get anything else).

Husband can't understand why I'm upset - if we needed the 3 items he's giving me a couple of weeks ago they would have just been bought.

He told me to go and buy my own presents if I was bothered but that's completely missing why I am upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:

DrHolmes · 30/11/2013 10:56

When he said that was your xmas sorted did you say anything to say that wasn't acceptable? Why should you be given a general household item as part of your Christmas? Fucker!

Do not give him his presents! I'd just start using the pad yourself now and give him a £10 tesco gift card or something.

Poor you.

drbonnieblossman · 30/11/2013 11:34

yanbu. being an adult doesn't mean you should have little or no thought towards you from others, especially dh and parents. If you are the kind of person who puts thought in to a gift, then even worse.

I would actually say something if I were you. it doesn't need to be rude or ungrateful sounding, just getting the point across that it would be lovely, even if they spent a fiver, to be given something which they had given thought to.

Retroformica · 30/11/2013 11:43

Locate the frying pan, knife etc and start using them now. Tell him they aren't your Xmas gifts as they are just everyday kitchen items to benefit everyone. Tell him you won't be buying your own Xmas gift either. He needs to.

Original poster

ShawnSpencer · 30/11/2013 12:32

This thread has really made me laugh - thank you all, at least it snapped me out of my grump.

Old dogs new tricks is the phrase that springs to mind.

He genuinely just doesn't get it, we were shopping in the supermarket last night and I said if that box of matchmakers fell into the trolley and joined the exciting frying pan in my Christmas stocking that would be a result, and he said why don't you just put the chocolates in the trolley. I said you're meant to choose me something you think I would like, and he said but if you want it you can buy it. Argh!

I could not not give him anything, but he really wouldn't be bothered if all his gifts were 100% practical. For example when asked by my parents (yes they asked him what he wanted ) he asked for work shirts, because he'd prefer not to have to purchase shirts with his cash.

I think I will just have to make an Amazon wishlist and show him where it is!

OP posts:

teenybash7 · 30/11/2013 12:39

Flogging a dead horse comes to mind - tempting, eh?

Golddigger · 30/11/2013 13:07

He just doesnt get it does he!

Original poster

ShawnSpencer · 30/11/2013 13:55

teeny

OP posts:

raisah · 30/11/2013 14:40

Open up a wishlist at your favourite shop & fill it with whatever you like & point your dh in the direction of it.
It wont be a complete surprise but it will be a small sample from the main list that you have chosen. And it certainly wont be frying pans & household items.

For next xmas could you suggest to your extended family having christmas dinner at a hotel or restaurant on xmas day? Atleast then your kids can see a few more people on the main day. My boss is doing this with 30 members of her extended family at their local hotel, its working out £30 per head. It seems to work out cheaper & less hassle free for all concerned.

Abrahamlincolnsghost · 30/11/2013 16:22

OP Apologies I haven't had time to read the whole thread but does strike me you need to spoil yourself a little and maybe you need to point out to a few people that ur feeling a little neglected.

(i) Tell Dh "thats a lovely present for the HOUSE, but you need to get me something too!"

(ii) Treat yourself eg. manicure, indulgent bath or whatever your thing is.

(iii) Text your parents to organise lunch or some treat with them and just you ( or with your family if you prefer) on one of the days over the christmas period. They probably don't realise.

DrHolmes · 30/11/2013 17:16

Yeah, why are you letting him put these items away to wrap up and give to you? Why arent you all just using them?!

SaltySeaBird · 30/11/2013 17:28

YABNU

It's nice to have people make Christmas special for you (train the DC up now so they know to make it special for you when they are older!).

I'm lucky but my DH did take quite a bit of "training" as he would have been happy to go shopping with me and for me to choose something to put away for Christmas, but that is because that's what his family do. They don't really do surprises (but are very generous and kind when it comes to Christmas so I'm not complaining). Now I have an Amazon wishlist and I add to it throughout the year. He won't ask but he will have a good look and choose things off it!

Sometimes if he has spare cash at the end of the month and it isn't a special occasion he will buy something small off it, wrap it up and pop it under my pillow for me to find when I go to bed. Not every month but maybe three or four times a year. I love Amazon wishlists! Get one set up and email it to him telling him you want at least one item off it as a surprise under the tree

Lavenderhoney · 30/11/2013 17:34

My dc like to see me unwrapping something from dh and even at their young age would see straight through my cries of joy at a pan:) I don't agree Christmas is only for dc, its for everyone.

Agree with other posters to wrap up the pan etc for him, and wrap the tablet up for you, then play on it ages when its unwrapped. He can go in the kitchen and see if the pan works properly.

IWishYouWould · 30/11/2013 17:47

YADNBU!
It sounds very upsetting for you. Not impressed with your husbands response.

Madmammy83 · 30/11/2013 18:44

I've been blessed with a lovely husband but my god the man is useless at buying presents. He thinks money is a brilliant present and is afraid of chemists. I spend months tracking down quirky little things he would love - and I do it because I love him and I love buying things. I adore shopping, I adore bargain hunting, and I adore the look on someone's face when I've hit on a private joke or a nostalgic memory. That's it. I haven't had a present to open on Christmas day in years, my Mother doesn't come up at Christmas and my sister usually sees us either before or after due to work. DH's family "don't do" presents. Therefore, I treat myself. I currently have a Kobo, bottle of perfume, earrings, some nail polish, a skirt, a Lethal Weapon boxset and a giant fuck off box of Thorntons all wrapped up for myself . Am I mental? Probably. Will I enjoy it? Definitely.

missinglalaland · 30/11/2013 18:51

Sorry if this is a repeat, thread is long, and I have only skimmed.

Give him the frying pan, etc.
Buy yourself some lovely prezzies.
Wrap everything up and put under the tree.

Sorted.

I once bought myself a nice bouquet of flowers for Mother's Day. Never had to do it again. DH figured out it would be cheaper if he did it.

Madmammy83 · 30/11/2013 18:56

Running around making everyone else happy at Christmas and even buying your own presents, wrapping them and putting them under the tree is not good. It sets a dreadful example for the children, by indicating that mothers shouldn't expect to be anything other than servants facilitating everyone else's day. It is not beyond our husbands and partners to give some thought to us at Christmas.

I think that's bollocks. I think what works for one person isn't going to work for another. My husband is a great man, very considerate, very helpful and very good with the children, he's just absolutely shite at buying presents. I'd rather buy my own than have something I won't use. I would be one of the few who wouldn't see kitchen utensils as an insult - I'd love a decent cast iron pan or a kitchen aid. I agree that the ones mentioned in the OP were stingy, and it's not okay for him to just assume that she will be happy with that. But I don't agree that it sets a dreadful example for the children. I love shopping and buying, husband hates it. I buy my presents, I'm happy, he's happy, we're all happy. How is that a bad example? I'd have thought it was a worse example to spend Christmas Day with a face like a slapped arse because you haven't been presented with some bit of tat. If that husband used that pan to cook Christmas breakfast for everyone, that would be nice.

You married him, OP. If it means that much to you then just ask him. Just say listen, I really would like to receive a gift from you this year, please buy me something thoughtful. He's your husband, you should be able to discuss anything with him.

Mine is going to think I've taken a lover when he sees all the self-gifting I've done...

Dubjackeen · 30/11/2013 19:16

He can go in the kitchen and see if the pan works properly.
Love this! Definitely take out the pan and knife block and make sure they are in use. They are not presents, by any stretch of the imagination!
I think I would go with the wish list idea, and if that doesn't work, just treat yourself to something nice.

ShinyBauble · 30/11/2013 19:17

I can't stand the 'you can't expect the poor confused men to know how to buy a present' justification! That's such balls. Unless your partner has learning difficulties to the extent that he needs a carer, he can go to Boots and pick out a giftset. It requires almost no effort or IQ whatsoever.

But don't be a martyr OP. If he says he'll get you whatever you want, take him up on it. A MacBook Pro, maybe? Then it might well be that he suddenly knows how to find the Debenhams perfume section next year...

veee123 · 30/11/2013 19:25

Not everybody cares about Christmas. If you choose to make it special for others it's your choice. Shouldn't have expectations of what others should buy for you. Some people get nothing. Its different if its your birthday but Christmas is for kids imo.

I don't get why people spend so much on presents for one day. Christmas should be about spending time with family, nice food and drink.

Varya · 30/11/2013 19:28

Someone said that Christmas is to honour Jesus. Everything else is man-made dross IMO.

sandfrog · 30/11/2013 20:45

Gift-giving is in the tradition of the three kings, as well as reflecting a God who gives many gifts, so it is compatible with a religious Christmas IMHO.

daisychain01 · 30/11/2013 22:12

This thread says a lot about what is wrong with Christmas.

Just like having a 2 week holiday together, Christmas can be a way of putting a spotlight on what is wrong with the relationship the rest of the year.

It is unrealistic to expect someone to magically change into the perfect person in December if, for the other days of the year they are thoughtless selfish lazy and/or don't give a toss. If the woman feels put upon over the Christmas break, highly likely its been the culmination of being taken for granted on a regular basis.

I just think setting high expectations over a "magical Christmas" is setting oneself up for disappointment, for something which is, after all just one big marketing con by the retail industry. You only have to look at the punch ups in the shopping malls on "Black Friday" (vile name) to realise what an awful direction it is all heading these days.

goldnsunsets · 30/11/2013 23:04

Yanbu!

MissBattleaxe · 01/12/2013 10:08

I disagree. The OP does everything for other people at Christmas and would like her own husband to show her some appreciation.

You don't stop wanting Christmas to be lovely once you're over 18. Adults deserve a happy day too.

NurseRoscoe · 01/12/2013 10:59

I really don't mean to sound like a martyr as someone else put but I think YABU too. People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and there really is nothing! I have everything I need and all I can think of is Argos vouchers which I would probably end up spending on the kids!

It makes me happy doing all the kiddy things at Christmas and seeing my boys smile, after a certain age gifts really don't matter and I would prefer peoples thought to go to making the kids happy. I have been lucky enough to have loads of special Christmases as a child and now I just want the same for my kids. I really do hate the emphasis on gifts nowadays, that's what gets people stressed out and dreading Christmas rather than enjoying it!

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