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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if DH and I can't agree on a name, I should get the casting vote?

128 replies

Sleepthief · 29/11/2013 03:36

mostly lighthearted and definitely somewhat trivial, but I am willing to be told...

Nearly 34 weeks with DS4 and DH and I have entered into a stand-off over names (I like Ruari, he likes Eric). Neither of us actively dislikes the other's choice, but neither of us is willing to budge this far...

I think that as I am the one who has suffered the joys of pregnancy and is about to either push an 8lb+ baby out of my vagina or succumb to major abdominal surgery I get to be Len Goodman here and get the final say over the name.

His argument is that he has never got his first choice through to pole position (he has, however, agreed to all three DS's - lovely - names; and I have never been so dogmatic before although admittedly this may be because i haven't had to be) He also says that as he is planning a vasectomy to prevent any more such situations, this weighs the argument in his favour Hmm.

He has perhaps reasonably suggested that if we can't agree we should flip a coin... But I don't want to call my baby Eric throws toys out of pram and would rather start again from scratch.

So mumsnet jury, AIBU?

I have previously brought this up in baby names and the consensus was that my choice was both nicer and went better with our three existing (and mumsnet approved Grin) names.

OP posts:
saintmerryweather · 29/11/2013 07:40

then its about time you agreed on his choice isnt it? you dont own your children just because you gave birth to them, he has just as much say as you do

pianodoodle · 29/11/2013 07:40

YANBU you both need to agree.

I don't think forcing a name you hate is fair.

You may have come up with the other kids' names but he agreed so he wasn't forced into going with names he really didn't like.

OK it's his baby too but if I really had my heart set on a name I think DH would take the view that I have a little more sway because of giving birth - even though that argument doesn't stand up to scrutiny for lots of reasons!

DH picked DD's middle name because I was so set on her first name. I'm still not 100% happy with her middle name but I let it go as I was so chuffed with the first and the middle doesn't get used much anyway :)

He was in two minds about the first name for ages but loves it now. Not saying I'm proud but I kind of waited until he'd had a bit to drink at the pub one night and got a couple of close friends to chat about how much they loved the first name when I brought it up... Blush

OwlinaTree · 29/11/2013 07:40

Bananaman's name was Eric! Grin

WhispersOfWickedness · 29/11/2013 07:42

If you can't agree, you need to go back to the drawing board Smile Not fair for either parent to get the deciding vote.

RussTDaviesBear · 29/11/2013 07:43

Cantona's other names are Daniel Pierre, if that helps.....

Morgause · 29/11/2013 07:45

Another vote for back to the drawing board.

RussTDaviesBear · 29/11/2013 07:47

And one for your side Manchester United have a youth player called Ruairi - by the time your DS is in school, he could be their star player, while Eric Cantona is a distant memory.

Original poster
Sleepthief · 29/11/2013 07:48

We agreed on my suggestions because we both liked them - they are lovely names. And they were my suggestions because I'm the one who thinks about obssessively and initiates discussions on names. TBH I'm pretty sure it was me who threw Eric out there this time (as I have done with countless other names that have been considered and rejected).

But I guess I am being unreasonable to think I should get the deciding vote because I'm doing all the work Grin

In that case, it's either back to the drawing board, or flip a coin.

OP posts:
pianodoodle · 29/11/2013 07:49

He also says that as he is planning a vasectomy to prevent any more such situations, this weighs the argument in his favour

Just read this bit have changed my mind you should get your way just for him saying such a daft thing :)

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 29/11/2013 07:49

I think you really have to find a different name. It would be awful to have your child named something you (either of you) didn't want. You agreed for the other 3, you can agree for this one. Did you have a short list for the other 3 (assuming any of them are boys) that you could fall back on?

Considering you'll be saying this name for the rest of your lives, you both really have to love it. Imagine announcing your child's name and feeling a bit sad cos you really didn't want that name? No, far better to bin both names and look for something else.

ScornedWoman · 29/11/2013 07:57

Suggest giving the older DC the casting vote.
Then train them to choose your preferred name.

Original poster
Sleepthief · 29/11/2013 08:05

DS1 is more on my side, but ultimately would prefer Percy (as in Jackson), DS2 wants Baby Batman or Jason the Egg Hmm and DS3 just keeps saying 'But I the baby'...

OP posts:
GentleGiant1965 · 29/11/2013 08:07

SWMBO and I each made a list of names we liked, then went through each others list and crossed out the REALLY naff ones.

Then we took the final 16 or so, matched them up 1v1 and coin tossed; matched the winners up and coin tossed again, until only one remained.

The final coin toss was between Freya and Heidi.

Our daughter now has a German first name, a Chinese middle name (??), and an English surname!!

goldenlula · 29/11/2013 08:13

I understand what you are saying about the 3 previous names being your suggestions but agreed by both. It was the same with both our ds1'. I suggested the names, as I did almost all the suggestions and dh said which he did or did not like. With ds2 we each had a different preferred name and when I was having the c sec dh said it was my choice. I went with his preferred name. Dh then tried the 'You chose the other name's'when pregnant with dc3 and we couldn't agree on names. Which wasn't true, they were my suggestions.
I would start the search for a new name now if you can not agree.

Primrose123 · 29/11/2013 08:20

Well first it seems to me that you really don't like Eric, and you have to tell him that, but be prepared that he might say the same about Ruari.

And secondly, the vasectomy thing. Really? Does he think that a minor operation in any way compares to four pregnancies and births, and the permanent after effects of those on your body? He lost any of my support with that I'm afraid! (And I like Eric, it was the name of my great uncle, and he was very sweet and kindGrin).

diddl · 29/11/2013 08:21

I much prefer Ruari.

In some ways it seems a shame to start again if neither of you dislike the other's name.

Which goes better with other names & surname?

Joysmum · 29/11/2013 08:23

Ok so you still both write your short lists and both chose your preferred name off your partners list rather than offering your preferred name off your list. That will give you 2 names. Then you can draw lots over who gets their preferred name as the first and which is the middle name.

I know there could then be the question if the names not sounding right together but I don't subscribe to that and middle names aren't often used except on forms! When my MIL died just before DD was born, I suggested to hubby our DD had that as her middle name. I don't like the name but I loved my MIL and my dd loves the link to the nan she never met.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 29/11/2013 08:49

Don't say if you don't feel comfortable but what are your other DC's names? Or if you don't want to say, does Eric go with the other 3 names?

Original poster
Sleepthief · 29/11/2013 08:55

Well, I've already named them in baby names, so in for a penny - Danny, Finn/Finnbarr and Kit.

Hi mum

OP posts:
whatever5 · 29/11/2013 09:04

I chose my children's first names as they got DH's surname (mine is different) so it was only fair. I suppose you can't argue that point if you have the same surname as your DH though. I think that you will have to compromise and find a name you both quite like.

elliejjtiny · 29/11/2013 09:19

There are 2 fair ways to do this.

  1. Both of you write a list of your 10 favourite names. Put your lists together and any duplicates become your shortlist

  2. You write a list of your 10 favourite names and he picks one from the list. Or he could write the list and you pick one.

perfectstorm · 29/11/2013 09:38

I don't think anyone gets casting vote on this.

We couldn't agree with DS. I didn't really like DH's choice, nor he mine. So we compromised on a name we both could tolerate, but neither loved. Oddly enough, not only does it suit DS but he loves it with a passion and always has. It was the right name for him, in a way neither of the others would have been.

I think you need to look more widely. I like the list of ten names each idea - widens the pool of choices to you both.

(We named this new one in utero at 16 weeks. No arguments, all agreed!)

InfiniteJest · 29/11/2013 09:38

Ruari goes far better with your other DCs names! And four pregnancies and births totally outweigh a vasectomy. Am on your side, OP Wink

Pearlsaplenty · 29/11/2013 10:11

I don't think either go with the siblings names.
How about Felix? Or Eli? Or Levi?

DeWe · 29/11/2013 10:26

Not sure really!
Problem with Ruari, is that he'll be spelling it out every time. That's a hassle, and I know someone who hates their name mostly because of that.

However I really don't like Eric. Probably connected to a very creepy man by that name I knew growing up.

Can you not agree on a different name-both have a second choice?

Or you could do what I did with dd1. We went in with 1 boy name, 2 girl names because we couldn't choose between the 2 girl names. We did both like them both. I took one look at her after she was born, and said "she definitely looks like a X" and we went with that name. I chose the middle names of all of the children because dh wasn't that bothered.

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