What would you think of a woman who got married twice, both times 6/7 months pregnant, having already had 4 children with a previous partner?

[NotSureWhatToMakeOfItAll]

Both times to much younger men. A 20 year old the 1st time while woman was 26 and already had 4 DC, and a 24 year old when woman was 34 and now had 6 DC. It could be construed that the woman got pregnant to 'trap' these two men.

DC had no further contact with the first two fathers or fathers families (grandparents etc) due to hostility from the mother.

Would you regard this woman as not having made very good choices and being quite selfish in her needs? (1st 4 DC had 3 consecutive father's for instance).

So sorry meh not men.

notsure whilst I understand that you feel a lot of anger about it now, I don't think its always right to compare our current situation with those of our mothers. E.g mine was brought up in quite a religious household where society back then really was different times. A woman on her own was not the norm and it didn't matter whether the reason (and there often HAD to be one!) for that was down to divorce/bereavement/anything else

I think some women felt pressured to get married/be a couple again and rightly or wrongly, whether they wanted to or not, have more children.

I would think this woman was strong minded, resilient and perhaps loved having children. The opposite of selfish. All the selfish women i know have none or very few children or husbands. Myself included.

Sorry, ive just read more of the thread. OK. I think she was looking for something she didnt find. Settled and happy family life. Its what we all really crave deep down.

notsure we are all a product of our past but that does not presuppose we need to be victim to it.

Your mother made decisions that massively affected the family that she and various men created. As tinmug rightly said, it does not necessarily follow that having children makes someone a good parent.

Worse still for you that you have discovered some awful truths that make you even more certain that your childhood wasn't a good experience.

It really won't help for you to read a lot of (very well meaning) strangers telling you that your mother's choices were bad ones. But as I said earlier there is little option when your description is damning despite being true.

Only working on assumptions here, I am sure you are making much more solid and well thought through choices for your own children so they enjoy the childhood you were deprived of

I hope you find peace and a sense of closure by discussing it here. My

i would think she was misguided and had low self esteem if i were being charitable .

As a mother myself, if I spilt with DH I couldn't imagine introducing new men into my DCs life very shortly afterwards and very quickly becoming pregnant not once but twice. She didn't give a shit about the impact it had on her existing DCs (or the fact that she found it hard to cope with them as there were so many = lots of valium) and notwithstanding the total cutting off from the fathers and their families so she could erase their existence.

The valium thing was very common then. That may have caused her to have a bit of poor judgement. Sounds to me like she has had a tough life and people she thought she could rely on let her down badly.

PF: I would think this woman was strong minded, resilient and perhaps loved having children. The opposite of selfish

That's an interesting spin on it (!) but the OP has already said that her mother didn't give a shit about the impact it had on her existing DCs (or the fact that she found it hard to cope with them as there were so many = lots of valium) and notwithstanding the total cutting off from the fathers and their families so she could erase their existence.

Sorry PF! Just seen your next post!

26 and already had 4 DC?! Id say she has issues going on. Possibly family and emotional. She's gone for marriages so is obviously searching for her happy ever after in her own way, isnt she. Id be thinking 'bloody hell' in my own mind. But, I wouldnt openly judge her. You dont know anyone's backstory - and it seems to me, the men are quite happy to have children and walk off, aren't they? She's no worse than them. I bet she could do with a helping hand and a listening ear in her life, somehow. Maybe thats what you should offer her, OP.

Please don't judge your mother too harshly. She may have been a product of her times. The things we think twice about now -how divorce affects children, importance of the father on the parenting scene -they may not even have registered on people's radars back then.

She sounds like she was very vulnerable and made some poor choices.

I would feel sorry for her :(

I'm very sorry you had an unhappy childhood op.

I wouldn't judge her for the number of children. I'd judge her for not providing her children with a happy and stable home life which ties in with a number of men coming in and out of all of your lives. It sounds like she had low self esteem and could have done with more help than valium but I assume there werent that many options at the time.

Not making good choices: well yes, I would have thought that's fairly apparent.

Selfish: not necessarily, I can't judge this from the information given.

I would think the crucial point was that she was not able to make you feel cared for. But then that would have been equally wrong if you had been an only and she had only been married the once.

As for always wanting a man in her life- Botanicbaby does have a point and there was more pressure then. We often forget how much the world has changed in the last few decades and how decisions that are self-evident now would have looked very different in the past.

mistressDeeCee why the shock at her having four kids at the age of 26? I'm genuinely curious. I am 26 and I have three kids; theoretically I could have fitted in a few more, would that raise your eyebrow? I would be the first to admit I've suffered from terribly low self esteem and a somewhat fractured childhood. and I'm seperated from the DCs emotionally abusive father. So history repeating itself (except my mum had only 2 dc) It is threads like this which have helped me to seek my counselling, I've had a coil fitted to hopefully to god prevent further pregnancies, I've held the same job for five yrs etc etc.. Let's hope none of our DC ever post a similar thread as this in the future... Doesn't matter how many kids you have with regards to your fundamental quality of parenting

Back then lots of doctors handed out Valium for anything and everything not just mental health related things but usually just to women, men would get actual treatment for certain things women would get a bottle of yellow pills.

In the early 90's I worked for a drug advice service for a few years we had huge amounts of older women detoxing from long term Valium use.

It may help you if you can,even if its just in your own head work out exactly what it was she did that has made you feel this way,because them you can try and get appropriate support.

Was it a lack of time and attention alone or did she abuse you or expose you to abuse,did you witness domestic violence? there are quite a few places around that can offer support from people who specialise in these sorts of things and they can help.

I couldn't care how many fathers the kids have or how quickly she married them. I do judge her though on the happiness of her children and the quality of their childhoods. I know that it is perfectly possible to make a lot of bad choices in life and end up in a similar situation but still be a loving and nurturing mother.

Well, I was abused by her and she ignored abuse from older siblings (I don't blame them). I was most like my dad apparently, who left her (and then she prevented contact), and I was punished for that big time.

I suppose I do judge her choices, rightly I think. I used to think what an amazing woman she was but my perception has changed to view her as a very selfish woman who has displayed favouritism according to who our fathers were and who has fractured the family to the extent that as siblings, we don't have much to do with each other. She is 'gatekeeper' and she likes being in control like that.

oops epic name change fail!

Hi

I think you are looking at the wrong bits of the story.

1. what happened to her as a child and a young women to think this life choice was ok?

2. Why did she chose younger men, was it a control issue? Ego boost? What did she gain from these relationships or what was missing for her to move on?

3. The most important what have you learned from her and what is useful and what is not?

It is ok to judge to relate to understand to be angry to feel let down but only to help you move forward, to reach your potential and to heal you.

yes, as nakedtigarclub says, you're focusing on the wrong parts of the story.

The relevant part of the story is that she was abusive to you. not how many months pregnant she was when she got married again. I guess she hoped (probably hope against hope) that getting married would make people judge her less and make her feel more normal and that maybe maybe things would be easier.

I'm not sticking up for her, but even now in 2013 I feel that some folks keep me at a distance because I'm single parent! even though I might be doing perfectly fine, have a lot to be grateful for......... so I can understand that those pressures to conform would have been so magnified in the 1970s.

When I left my x, I stayed away from men, had a five year recovery plan (!) worked on my self-esteem, so, bully for me, and good for my children, but I think it takes distance and objectivity and the ability to delay gratification etc.... not everybody is equipped with the tools to recover from a shit hand of cards.

ps, I know what you mean about being a gatekeeper, I hadn't realised that that was the term.

My xfil is like that with all of his children. They are all nervous to admit that they rang each other for example, and if they learn any news from each other they would pretend they were hearing it for the first time from their father. There is a half sibling and they know it wouldn't be acceptable for them to contact the half-sibling. They sometimes hear news of her but wouldn't dare initiate the contact themselves. It's all very odd from my perspective. When I left his son, he was on the phone to me to try and be the ........... liaison or something. But I was having none of it. If there was one thing the x and I agreed on it was that his father was a machiavellian type.