Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think of a woman who got married twice, both times 6/7 months pregnant, having already had 4 children with a previous partner?

112 replies

NotSureWhatToMakeOfItAll · 28/11/2013 21:46

Both times to much younger men. A 20 year old the 1st time while woman was 26 and already had 4 DC, and a 24 year old when woman was 34 and now had 6 DC. It could be construed that the woman got pregnant to 'trap' these two men.

DC had no further contact with the first two fathers or fathers families (grandparents etc) due to hostility from the mother.

Would you regard this woman as not having made very good choices and being quite selfish in her needs? (1st 4 DC had 3 consecutive father's for instance).

OP posts:
Edenviolet · 28/11/2013 22:15

It sounds like a very difficult situation for all involved.

I wonder if your mother was unhappy and having so many relationships and babies was a way for her to feel loved and wanted in a misguided way?

Obviously it impacted on you and your siblings which is why I asked if you got on with them, I imagine if you do they could be a great source of support as they would understand as had been through it all too. If not could you have counselling to talk through things?

Thatisall · 28/11/2013 22:16

OP this sounds a but like my mother dearest. Has something happened to prompt this post?

If she's looking after her dc then I wouldn't give it another thought but I suspect from the fact that you've posted that you are worried or stressed about this

sittinginthesun · 28/11/2013 22:16

I would think she was unhappy in herself, and looking for something. Not content in her skin.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToMakeOfItAll · 28/11/2013 22:17

I think it is more to do with maturity. A 20 year old single man as opposed to a mother of 4 who would be much more mature!

OP posts:
Beechview · 28/11/2013 22:18

I wouldn't think anything of just those facts. She may have been very unlucky with her partners.

Im more likely to have an opinion on her personality, which may have contributed to her situation.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 28/11/2013 22:19

There is no such thing as 'getting pregnant to trap men'- if men don't want to get someone pregnant, they can use a condom or get a vasectomy, or not have sex with that person if it's a specific person they don't want to get pregnant. Easy.

Exactly. Why do women get more blame/judgement for perhaps dubious sexual choices and behaviour than men do?

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout · 28/11/2013 22:21

I wouldn't think anything. I've got worries of my own. xxx

lifesgreatquestions · 28/11/2013 22:23

What matters isn't what I think of her, I don't know her. Is she happy with her life choices?

garlictrivia · 28/11/2013 22:25

Well, I would say "trapping" a husband hasn't worked since the 1970s. And that contraception is both partners' responsibility.

Surmising a bit, I might guess that she felt unloved - very possibly had a shit childhood herself - and inappropriately hoped to fill her emotional 'hole' with children, and with men who turned out to be bad bets. I would have a lot of sympathy for her, I'm not the kind of harsh-minded prat who despises anyone with an unconventional life.

As it's your own mother, I also feel you deserve compassion. A mother who doesn't know what safe love feels like, and fathers who don't care, make for anxious children who've been robbed (albeit unavoidably) of the very foundations they need to build consistent, nurturing relationships in adulthood. I agree you may find the beginnings of support & strength in Relationships, particularly on the Stately Homes threads. Good luck :)

bellasuewow · 28/11/2013 22:30

Same as I would think of the men in her life perhaps worse on them if she is the one who stuck around to raise the children we should not judge women more harshly than men in my view

Original poster
NotSureWhatToMakeOfItAll · 28/11/2013 22:31

This was in the 1970s.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 28/11/2013 22:37

I think most sensible people could imagine that this was not great set-up in which to bring up 6 children.

Lilacroses · 28/11/2013 22:40

I would just think "my god, her life must be so complicated and exhausting"! I

phantomnamechanger · 28/11/2013 22:49

yes I would judge, and I would think she had made some bad choices.

And I do think that the men were too young - I don't imagine there are many 20 year olds ready to take on a ready made family of 4 kids, in addition to a new baby! or 24 yr olds willing to parent 6 kids. It was almost bound not to work out.

Thants · 28/11/2013 22:50

I'd think you are very judgemental.
'Trapping the men' what a joke.
And don't blame the mum for the kids not seeing their dads. The fathers obviously don't make the effort to parent.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/11/2013 22:53

You appear to be upset because she's got married whilst pregnant twice,

Or am I miss reading your upset?

trashcanjunkie · 28/11/2013 22:59

thants it's her mother! isn't she entitled? she was directly affected by the poor decision making on her mothers part. Can't believe the callousness of your language. Make your point by all means, but must you be so nasty?

daisychain01 · 28/11/2013 23:03

I will reserve judgement because I now know it's your mother we are talking about. Your description isn't flattering, so it doesn't give much scope to say lots of positive, complementary things about her life and partnership choices. Presumably that's not what you're after.

The key thing is..how is it affecting you in your life? Are you struggling with your family background?

I'm just a little unsure where you want to take this thread as you hardly give anything away in your very brief posts.

Botanicbaby · 28/11/2013 23:06

what garlictrivia said. Op I think especially the last paragraph is really relevant, although agree with everything else too.

I too would regard your mum as not having made very good choices OP but I do not necessarily see these as her fault as could be down to her own upbringing. Sad for you that it has impacted on your childhood and how you feel now (and I think we do tend to 'blame', if that's the correct word, the parent that stayed around to bring us up). I agree that the men in your mother's life are as much to blame but the finger doesn't tend to get pointed at them.

I do think you deserve some compassion here and I can relate to where you are coming from. I wouldn't say it was down to hostility but inability to keep in touch with my (late) father's family had a huge impact on mine and my sibling's lives. My mum remarried after his death and I have noticed a pattern...e.g. the children she subsequently had with my step-father have had little or no contact with my step-father's family due to (rightly or wrongly hostility?!) from my mother.

JinglingRexManningDay · 28/11/2013 23:08

I wouldn't judge but I would wonder what happened to her or was missing in her life that she was pinning her happiness and future on men,it appears any man that showed an interest. Why did she seem to lurch from relationship to relationship having children with them?
Looking for love in the wrong place,poor education,bad childhood,SN,low self esteem.

Idespair · 28/11/2013 23:14

Honestly I would think that the woman had made some odd choices. I wouldn't think badly of her, I'd just not understand it.

Original poster
NotSureWhatToMakeOfItAll · 28/11/2013 23:26

As a mother myself, if I spilt with DH I couldn't imagine introducing new men into my DCs life very shortly afterwards and very quickly becoming pregnant not once but twice. She didn't give a shit about the impact it had on her existing DCs (or the fact that she found it hard to cope with them as there were so many = lots of valium) and notwithstanding the total cutting off from the fathers and their families so she could erase their existence.

I admit I have a lot of anger about it.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 28/11/2013 23:40

Notsure, I come from a large family with a valium mother too - the valium being given out like sweets was VERY common in the 80s and I do believe that my mother was pretty much absent for all my teens, through no fault of her own. She was also very judgmental about my father who most certainly wasn't without his flaws. They divorced when I was 3 and my mother remarried a complete and utter arsehole, when I was 7.

I've let go of the anger. The only person that it affects is me, and it's not a healthy thing. My mother is a product of her upbringing, and whilst I love her very much, I do see that she was fallible and not a fantastic mother to my siblings and me in many, many ways. Now, I'm a mother and I'm a damn good one, and that is what defines me, rather than the child I was.

KungFuBustle · 28/11/2013 23:47

From your original post I'd think "men". Not my business, families are all different shapes and sizes and a loved child is a loved child.

As you gave the full story I think your experience would have been the same with 1 child or 10. I don't blame you for having anger. You mention valium, in the 70s wasn't that the lazy way for doctors to deal with mental health issues and handed out like smarties?

I think if she wasn't maternal towards you the siblings and partners are a red herring. Are you close with your siblings?

tinmug · 28/11/2013 23:47

She didn't give a shit about the impact it had on her existing DCs (or the fact that she found it hard to cope with them as there were so many = lots of valium) and notwithstanding the total cutting off from the fathers and their families so she could erase their existence

A lot of people are complete and utter irredeemable arseholes. Unfortunately, that doesn't render them incapable of reproduction. Sorry you're having a shit time OP.