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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to choose to be a SAHM??

83 replies

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 13:50

I'm currently on maternity leave due to return in march. My flexible working request for part time has been refused so its full time or nothing.

Full time brings me out in hives as my job is very stressful. Dp and I have done the maths and actually we can cope on his salary for a little while whilst I stay at home- maybe for a couple years until ds can get a free place at nursery or until I go batty and need adult interaction.

We are happy with this as these early days are priceless and go so quickly.

So why do I keep getting the 'oh, so your just going to not work? What else's are you going to do' Frowns from friends and family?

It took a long time to conceive ds and i'm enjoying caring for him 24/7, so why do I feel that I should work when financially I don't have to?

I chose to be a mum and I'm choosing to give him the best ever start in life. As we grow our family its unlikely that I'll have this chance again.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:

havingastress · 28/11/2013 13:52

Nope. I would be a SAHM if we could afford it. But we can't. We're £400 a month short.

If DH's salary covered all the bills, I'd be over it like a shot!

ilikebaking · 28/11/2013 13:52

Nope. It is what I am doing and I cannot wait for little one to arrive and have nothing but months of cuddles and watching him grow.
I used to work in a nursery, so I know every single day is special and I couldn't bear to miss firsts (of any kind).
I appreciate I am very lucky, and so are you OP to be able to do this.

comemulledwinewithmoi · 28/11/2013 13:54

I have been a sahm mum fir the last 5 years, just returning part time. I would err on the side if caution giving up a job in this economy. learnt the hard way

DrankSangriaInThePark · 28/11/2013 13:54

No.

But YABU to need to start a thread about it.

(I was one for almost 6 years)

Kikithecat · 28/11/2013 13:56

No reason to feel guilty, you're not asking anyone else to help you financially so it's none of their business. No point in getting a part-time job you don't want or need just to please everyone else, especially when someone else really needs the job.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/11/2013 13:56

Why do you need strangers to validate what you are doing? Only you know the situation you are in so only you and your DH can decide this.

Timetoask · 28/11/2013 13:59

Ofcourse you are not being unreasonable. I would get married though, for security (many people will disagree, but that it my opinion).

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/11/2013 14:00

How could you be being unreasonable to do something you want to do and can afford to do?

You see, this is why these threads turn nasty. Of course you are not unreasonable to stay at home, any more than I am unreasonable to go to work.

It's a choice you personally make depending on what you think is best.

But when it includes things like "giving him the best start in life" it upsets people who do not have the option, they have to work and it implies they are not doing the best for their DCs.

I am not one of those, btw in case you think that's why I a saying it. We could have afforded me to be a SAHM, just about. But I made the decision to go to work.

It's a very emotional subject which is why these threads turn into arguments.

Everyone wants to give their DCs the best start in life, it's just that it looks different for everyone as it is a individual choice

morethanpotatoprints · 28/11/2013 14:01

Hello OP, I get this all the time and have done since being a parent over 22 years ago.
It is nobody else's business what you decide to do.
If you get comments about not working, just say yes I do work, but not for an employer.
Being a sahm doesn't involve doing nothing at all throughout the day.
Tell them to mind their own business.
I agree with you, you never get this time back again and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Original poster

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 14:02

Thanks for replies.

Not one of my friends or family can see that its ok to do this and I guess I just wanted others opinions.

I don't mean to gloat or anything, we are not well off at all and I'm sacrificing all my own luxuries.

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 28/11/2013 14:04

Of course YANBU. Enjoy!

wintersdawn · 28/11/2013 14:06

To anyone who asks what are you going to do simply say a job, that's what being a full time parent is, if it wasn't hard work to look after kids then why would there be caps on the number per adult in nurseries etc. only difference from a 9-5 is you don't get to walk away to a different location at the end of the day.
Don't get me wrong I'm a sahm and I love it, there are so many occasions when I realise how lucky I am to be able to be with my kids and see them growing and developing by the day but personally there are days like any job when I'd rather be anywhere else in the world (no sleep, teething baby, terrible twos toddler, pmt = a long day till bedtime).
If it's what you want and you can manage it financially, embrace it with both arms in the long run you'll not regret it. As for any guilt I know plenty of full time mums who feel guilty every time they drop their kids at nursery, guilt and parenting just seem to go hand in hand!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/11/2013 14:06

I didn't think you were gloating OP.

I was just saying that even an innocent remark like the time being priceless etc causes upset because people either have to work, or think you are implying that they don't care as much about their DCs because they go to work.

Original poster

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 14:07

tantrumsandballoons

I understand what you mean, certainly I don't mean to put anyone's nose out, I do not think any differently of people who have to return full time, all parents have to do what's best for them, I would never judge any mum for going back to work if its what's best for their family.

Just wanted opinions.

OP posts:

randomquicknamechange · 28/11/2013 14:08

I have been a SAHM for 7 years, I have never had rolled eyes or people saying anything.

It is only on mumsnet I have ever felt judged and that is for not being financially independent and trusting my husband to look after us in that respect.

So no YANBU.

LittleBairn · 28/11/2013 14:09

YANBU and don't allow people to belittle your choice stand up for yourself.

flipchart · 28/11/2013 14:09

Do what you want but I preferedto look at the bigger picture tbh.

jellybeans · 28/11/2013 14:10

YANBU. I have been a SAHM for 14 years and have 5 DC. Loved every minute. Was a f\t WOHM as well and prefer SAH although I study and volunteer to keep from getting bored etc as mine are at school now. I get comments and just ignore them as am happy in my life and was never one to follow crowd etc. So don't care what people say. There's loads of SAHM near me, very few people have both parents full time so loads of people to meet up with etc. Enjoy :)

jumperooo · 28/11/2013 14:10

Yanbu to be a sahp if you want to and can afford to as a family, I am a sahp as I wanted to and we can afford to live on DP's salary. I hope to return to work part time within the next year though.

Yabu though to say being a sahp is giving your child the best start in life. If you don't want to work and can afford to be a sahp, you, like me, are fortunate to have the choice.

MadeOfStarDust · 28/11/2013 14:11

mmm - the sacrificing luxuries thing is a bit of a worry... make sure you are all on the same page with that one for the whole of the 2 years or whatever... little niggles of resentment can surface when too many luxuries get sidelined.....

morethanpotatoprints · 28/11/2013 14:14

Tantrums, I think anybody who has to work is obviously doing the best for their dc, otherwise they would starve and not have a roof over their head.

Sisterelephant

We are all different and there is no right or wrong unless you are doing something that won't benefit your family, but nobody would do that.
FWIW we sacrificed all none essentials and had tax credits in order to have a sahp, it is what I considered to be right for my family.
If it is what you want, I agree with the poster who said embrace it, you won't regret it.

ProfondoRosso · 28/11/2013 14:15

YANBU. Do just learn from the experience of other/former SAHMs on this thread, though, about having a plan career-wise for when you go back, not listening to anyone who denigrates your choice, but also being mindful of how fortunate you are to be able to make this choice when you talk to parents who perhaps don't have those options.

My DM went back to work (as a teacher) after having me (1985, so a while ago, but bear with me ). She is very much of the opinion that if you are fit for work, you work. She hated being back at school, I was her first baby and she was very unhappy. She and my dad decided she would stop work and they would downscale (my dad earned quite a bit less than my mum). She kept her foot in the door with occasional supply teaching and went back to work when I was almost three (having had my younger DSis in that time). She is grateful for having had those early years with me, but was very, very careful to prepare and plan for her career afterwards.

DeepThought · 28/11/2013 14:17

OP I see you are not married, so do take care to ensure that you protect your own interests - things like if the house is mortgaged are you named on the deeds, are you named as n o k on your partner's life insurance, that kind of thing

YANBU, do what suits you

Original poster

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 14:18

madeofstardust

Cool name

We have a really good relationship so I won't be without what I need per say, but i'm happy to give up luxuries I can do without if that makes sense! i.e Regular hair cuts, expensive clothes food shopping in M&S!

OP posts:

GuernseyTeddy · 28/11/2013 14:24

YANBU - I get this all the time. DS is 15 weeks and I'm constantly being asked when I'm going back to work.

Have to bite my tongue and say airily oh I don't know..maybe when DS is at pre-school?? Instead of launching into some lengthy explanation as to because DP is a 'high-earner' (ha ha! That descriptor sooo needs to be regional!), then we'd be no better off financially for my working..so DS spending 12 hours a day in childcare for me to do a job I'd enjoy or 8 hours a day at a menial local job...and be no richer for all the hassle etc seems a bit selfish/pointless to me.

I get that some people need to work to survive but equally it's not some luxury for those who choose not to work. Circumstances are different for different people. You do what's best for you and your children.

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