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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to choose to be a SAHM??

83 replies

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 13:50

I'm currently on maternity leave due to return in march. My flexible working request for part time has been refused so its full time or nothing.

Full time brings me out in hives as my job is very stressful. Dp and I have done the maths and actually we can cope on his salary for a little while whilst I stay at home- maybe for a couple years until ds can get a free place at nursery or until I go batty and need adult interaction.

We are happy with this as these early days are priceless and go so quickly.

So why do I keep getting the 'oh, so your just going to not work? What else's are you going to do' Frowns from friends and family?

It took a long time to conceive ds and i'm enjoying caring for him 24/7, so why do I feel that I should work when financially I don't have to?

I chose to be a mum and I'm choosing to give him the best ever start in life. As we grow our family its unlikely that I'll have this chance again.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
thebody · 28/11/2013 18:36

good for you! Grin

Thatsnotmyfigure · 28/11/2013 19:30

YANBU. I am same position as you. I just get cross with myself as when people (mostly other Mum's) ask me if/ when I'm going back to work, I find myself feeling a tad apologetic when explaining I am not going back. So you (and I) do need to develop a thick skin. The default status for most Mums is that they go back to work, many out of necessity so others may feel threatened and you may have find yourself justifying your choice, which is annoying seeing you are doing the most important job in the world (in my opinion). Good luck and enjoy every minute!"

CreamyCooler · 28/11/2013 19:43

YANBU, it sounds as if you have thought it all through and can afford it. It's not exactly an unusual thing to want to do.

SherbertStraws · 28/11/2013 19:47

YABU for asking this in the first place. I hate how sahms get so dismissed and despised by some idiots e.g. "you don't need a brain" comment. Does that apply to nannies and all other child care professionals - what an idiot.

And fwiw I found work fairly easily after being a sahm for 12 years. So its not always doom and gloom. Stop defending your position, just do it and enjoy. Its perfectly respectable and worthy just like many other jobs. It just doesnt come with a traditional salary attached.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 28/11/2013 19:50

YANBU, as long as you're happy.

However, is your DH totally comfortable with the fact that you'll be the one at home? My DH was also keen to be at home with DD and we couldn't afford to both be part time so in the interest if fairness I also work full time.

jammiedonut · 28/11/2013 20:03

Yanbu, it's your choice. End of. Don't dignify their comments with a response.

WhoNickedMyName · 28/11/2013 20:11

YANBU to choose whatever you like in terms of returning to work or not.

I always thought I'd end up being a SAHM. The reality was I was bored shitless and couldn't wait to return to work, albeit only part time, once my maternity leave ended.

And I personally would never make myself financially dependant on a man without the security of marriage.

madmomma · 28/11/2013 20:26

YANBU at all. Do it and enjoy as much time as possible with your kids I say. People will always be judgy and defensive about SAHMs. I'm at home with my preschoolers atm and the best advice I can give is network like your life depends on it. SAH with company is wonderful but SAH in isolation will drive you potty. Enjoy!

Worriedkat · 28/11/2013 20:40

Do you work in an industry where there are lots of jobs and opportunities? Generally it's quite tough to get a job if you've been out for a few years. I kept up with my profession through voluntary and trustee work and I'm so glad I did.

depletedenergy · 28/11/2013 20:40

Enjoy it - I'm working 29 hours a week and it is killing me, I have another thread going on how to cope with it all. I have worked hard to get where I am, and am now considering giving it all up to be SAHM although I can't see how we can possibly afford it right now.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 28/11/2013 21:09

DM will change tune when dc here no doubt.

Being a sahm requires as much organisational skills diplomacy and leadership as I required in a bank on mid snr level. It requires self management and belief in just as much quantities too.

In fact I am far more scared of this boss (dd1 3yrs) than I ever was at work. Happy to chat offline too. It's fun. So is work. Both are what you make them.

Permanentlyexhausted · 28/11/2013 21:19

YANBU if that is your choice. Do what feels right for you and your family.

You are being very naive if you think you will be giving your child a better start in life by being a SAHM. And even more naive if you think the "early days" are more priceless than any of the later days you'll spend with your child/ren.

blackandwhiteandredallover · 28/11/2013 21:21

YANBU, however.... if you are planning on a DC2 it might be worth considering going back for the short term, and then at least you will have 2 lots of maternity pay and a much smaller gap in your CV.

I went back for 6 months, then I ended up leaving because we moved house for DH's job, and as I was pregnant with DC2 by then I didn't get another job straight away. It meant I still qualified for 9 months of maternity allowance after DC2 was born, which was a godsend at the time.

Original poster
sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 21:41

Both my Dp and I are happy for me to be the sahp, he works shifts so ends up having chunks of time off of for us to do things as a family.

Unfortunately part time job opportunities in my field are few and far between but I am happy to take any job when the time comes. I'd definitely plan to return to my field at some point in the near future.

I considered biting the bullet and going back full time until we ttc in a year or so and get the MAT pay but I just can't commit to the job in the meantime - its quite a full on role so I would need to give 110%, and that was hard enough before being a mum!!

permanentlyexhausted

I seem to keep repeating myself about offending others. That was not my intention. I never once said that its any less better to send him to DGP, CM or nursery, why assume so? I know a child's whole life is precious but its when they are tiny that they are most dependant on you, they obviously become more independent as they grow.

OP posts:
CreamyCooler · 28/11/2013 21:48

Slightly of subject but I found with my 3DC it was the teen years when they needed the most time.

Permanentlyexhausted · 28/11/2013 21:58

Your sentence about choosing to give him the best start in life seemed, to me, to be saying that by choosing to be a SAHM you were choosing to give him the best start. If that isn't what you meant, I stand corrected.

Dependence/independence I would say is rather a grey issue until they are at least in their late teens. Any trusted adult can administer a plaster and a cuddle to a small child. Only Mum/Dad will do when your first boyfriend has broken your heart and half the school know about it. Older childrens emotional needs are far more complicated. In my opinion, anyway.

MrsOsbourne · 28/11/2013 22:10

YANBU to do whatever suits you OP
Minnie In fact I am far more scared of this boss (dd1 3yrs)
Your child is your boss Hmm < cringes>

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2013 22:11

Your sentence about choosing to give him the best start in life seemed, to me, to be saying that by choosing to be a SAHM you were choosing to give him the best start.

But if that's what the OP truly feels, then she shouldn't have to apologise (as he has repeatedly) for it.

It's not her fault that it might upset some mothers who would like to do the same but can't.

You hear the same thing said about breast feeding all the time.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2013 22:12

*she - not he Blush

pointyfangs · 28/11/2013 22:16

Of course you aren't. You can afford it, your employers will not help you - I say go for it. I would say get into something part time as soon as your financial situation will allow to keep in touch with the job market because it's hard to get back in, life is getting tougher, but you have to do what works for you.

If I'd had the choice, I'd have gone 3 days a week after having DD1, but it wasn't an option - I was the main earner at the time. I don't actually feel I've missed anything, both my DDs were obliging enough to keep first steps and first words for weekends and holidays and I enjoy my work. I'm not emotionally suited to be a SAHM. But I'd have liked to be p/t and had the best of both. If you can make it work for you, go for it.

Permanentlyexhausted · 28/11/2013 22:20

Worra TBF, I didn't say it was offensive or that she should apologise. I said it was naive.

jeanmiguelfangio · 28/11/2013 22:22

I am a SAHM, and have just been offered a huge promotion at my work. Here's the thing, I don't get paid. I work for a charity run entirely by volunteers, but this charity is in my sector that I've worked 2 degrees to get into and therefore allows me to keep my hand in without having to commit too much.
I don't want to go back to work but I can't afford to turn this opportunity down for my future career. Consider your work opportunities too if you do ever want to do back into work before stopping altogether.
Needless to say, being a SAHM, one of the most tiring, stressful rewarding fabulous jobs I've ever done.

ServicePlease · 28/11/2013 22:27

YANBU, your choice, but I would say that although you say you and DP are on the same page now, DH and I found that there became an imbalance in our relationship - we had pretty similar seniority and wages pre DC. I didn't enjoy not working and DH was jealous (I think he thought I swanned round all day doing sweet FA).

Over time, this became harder to deal with especially as he was working really hard and we had little money left which he could really treat himself with. Also you say you will have time off to do stuff as a family, but equally you may not have much money to do much with - kicking leaves in the park is all very well when they are tiny but money is helpful for bigger trips out/holidays

If your area of work is likely to have good options for returning to the field after a few years out then go for it. If you have any doubts about this then I would try and keep a hand in somewhere.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 28/11/2013 22:30

No but there's other options in between. I stay home with mine but do some freelance work.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 29/11/2013 08:29

My baby terrified me. Hindsight it was likely pnd. I had no experience of babies. It was a shock. It wasn't all 'catch kids ton prints' like I imagined.

Now well I guide her, she leads. She's still more demanding now than any other boss. Adults are easy. Kids complicated.