AIBU to choose to be a SAHM??

[sisterelephant]

I'm currently on maternity leave due to return in march. My flexible working request for part time has been refused so its full time or nothing.

Full time brings me out in hives as my job is very stressful. Dp and I have done the maths and actually we can cope on his salary for a little while whilst I stay at home- maybe for a couple years until ds can get a free place at nursery or until I go batty and need adult interaction.

We are happy with this as these early days are priceless and go so quickly.

So why do I keep getting the 'oh, so your just going to not work? What else's are you going to do' Frowns from friends and family?

It took a long time to conceive ds and i'm enjoying caring for him 24/7, so why do I feel that I should work when financially I don't have to?

I chose to be a mum and I'm choosing to give him the best ever start in life. As we grow our family its unlikely that I'll have this chance again.

So, AIBU?

Cath kidston damn phone. (Meaning idyllic)

Try sites like capabilityjane.com maybe there's an avenue but you don't know yet?

Minnie I am now visualising a Cath Kidston phone. Is there such a thing?

I'm a SAHM and I'm often in mental anguish with what I should/ought to be doing because I don't value my own role enough. In my family it's only me that thinks I should do more but I project and in my own head think the people that matter are thinking the same as those posting negatively on this thread.

If I were more valuing of the unpaid work I do then I wouldn't feel so unsettled.

So beware, it's not just how your partner and others perceive your SAH role that counts, it's how you value yourself that is even more important.

If I had the choice of SAHM or FT when my DCs were that young I would have been a SAHM.

But I would go into it with your eyes open. I was a SAHM for 5 years and found we really struggled financially. On paper the budget looked OK but in truth life cost more than we expected. By year 3 of being at home I was miserable. Everyday was the same and by then I had two children so felt I couldn't return to work whilst DS was only 2 as my first child had had me at home at that age and I wanted them to have the same experience (made sense to me at the time). I was so over playgroups and coffee mornings by then I was climbing the walls with boredom and remember dreading the long cold winter ahead.

Then DH lost his job. There was a few months leading up to it so we knew it was coming and life was not good. DH was stressed as he felt the burden to provide. He had become resentful of my time at home, not just because he felt the burden of it all but also he felt it gave him the right to snipe about things not being done or me not doing enough with the children.

But then I got lucky. I had previoiusly worked in a specific job but couldn't return for various reasons (I didn't want to either). I got a job a month after DH lost his job. It was FT and DH became a SAHD for a year (it took that long for him find a job). He finally appreciated what I had done and vice versa. We both work FT now and it is tough . Don't underestimate how much your DC's need you when they are school age. It's easy to get carried away with the 'precious years' thing. Finding childcare for under 5's is easy. It's no so easy to explain to your 7 year old why you can't make their christmas play.

I am just about to downgrade to a 3 day a week job. It's where I work because I have proven myself. I know I can do the higher job as it were but I am fed up of working FT. This is my way of keeping my hand in until the children are older.

Its a long post but what I am trying to say is think ahead. Money, being able to afford nice things, the effect of a power imbalaance in your relationship, being prepared for the worse and realising 24/7 childcare is not all hearts and flowers.

If you plan on returning to your current area I would do all I can to keep your hand in. If not, whilst it may not be easy it is possible to have a new career as I have proven.

Good luck.

No yanbu

Don't discuss it with others though as it is a sensitive topic and you will likely offend others or be offended (even if you or they don't mean offense) :) just say 'yes I'm staying at home with ds at the moment, I'll think about working again later on'

Thanks again for replies.

canthaveitall. Thanks for your honest post. I do sometimes suffer with anxiety and I have a million one things going on in my head regularly. I did suffer a bit of PND and it took me a while to properly bond with my ds. I felt awful guilt for not feeling like how I should have felt.. I'm now in a good place with him and I'm embracing motherhood. I think this is setting my decision to want to stay at home but when getting doubtful responses to our decision it makes me doubt wether I'm actually depriving my DS form a life full of luxuries If we are living on one salary.

I'm one of 5 from a single mum and we didn't have luxuries but my memories are filled with fun times with my mum, that's what I want to create for my DS.

The truth is I know it will be hard and I'm sure down the line there will be some resentment from my Dp, and from me to him that he can switch off can get away from it all, but I know I need to do this to almost validate me as a proper mum?

I'm prepared for it to be a struggle but its about doing what I feel is best now, and when it gets unbearable I'm happy to get into any kind of work.

I am starting to feel much better about my decision, you all have been very supportive. Thank you.

YANBU OP, it's between you and your DP.

One thing I'd urge you to do though is check your contract, after rereading my own contract- if you don't go back to work you may have to pay back the leave your work had paid you. My contract has this clause in it.