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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to choose to be a SAHM??

83 replies

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 13:50

I'm currently on maternity leave due to return in march. My flexible working request for part time has been refused so its full time or nothing.

Full time brings me out in hives as my job is very stressful. Dp and I have done the maths and actually we can cope on his salary for a little while whilst I stay at home- maybe for a couple years until ds can get a free place at nursery or until I go batty and need adult interaction.

We are happy with this as these early days are priceless and go so quickly.

So why do I keep getting the 'oh, so your just going to not work? What else's are you going to do' Frowns from friends and family?

It took a long time to conceive ds and i'm enjoying caring for him 24/7, so why do I feel that I should work when financially I don't have to?

I chose to be a mum and I'm choosing to give him the best ever start in life. As we grow our family its unlikely that I'll have this chance again.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 28/11/2013 14:25

I think dismissing childcare as actual work is deeply sexist, tbh. And given how much nannies are paid, it's also nonsensical. SAHP and working ones both play valuable roles in the wider world, and in their children's lives. Neither are superior/inferior/lazy/selfish. Sod anyone who thinks otherwise, really. It's another example of the sad fact: a woman's place is in the wrong.

oscarwilde · 28/11/2013 14:29

If you and your DH are on board with this choice then that's all that matters. It's no-one else's business and it may well be that people are surprised that's all. I have a friend who was adamant she would be going back to work, chapter and verse on maintaining her own independence etc. Could have knocked us all sideways with a feather when she announced she wasn't going back to work under any circs, so we probably didn't come across as amazingly supportive while not giving a fiddlers frankly

"As we grow our family" though - will finances stretch to cover multiple children? It might be worth returning to your company to see if you have any colleagues interested in job-sharing. Companies are much more receptive when it's all been worked out for them and made easy.

flipchart · 28/11/2013 14:30

I think you never know what the future holds, no matter how great your relationship is. This is one of the reasons I carried on working full time. I'm not on about him leaving you or anything like that but what if he had a life changing accident, death or got made redundant. Not everyone has insurance in place.

What about your pension rights, continuous service benefit etc.
Would you be able to get your career back?
There's nothing like having your own money in the bank for security.

You say you say you could cope for a little bit on his salary but what does coping mean? Have you got enough savings to cover an unexpected incident.

If you are ok with all that then everything is peachy and nothing to o with anyone else.

givemeaclue · 28/11/2013 14:34

Be aware getting back into the work place could be very difficult. Why not look for a part time job instead, you wilt get fed up with having no spare cash quite quickly

Annakin31 · 28/11/2013 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PresidentServalan · 28/11/2013 15:35

But when it includes things like "giving him the best start in life" it upsets people who do not have the option, they have to work and it implies they are not doing the best for their DCs.

^^
This

Anyfuckerisnotguilty · 28/11/2013 15:44

Lol op when I didn't yo back to work after mat leave for same reasons as you
My mother v disapprovingly said oh right so now your unemployed eh

Haha

The trick is not to care

Whatever you go some fucker will try and have a pop, so might as well just do whatever makes you happy

Good luck op
Enjoy these special years

pianodoodle · 28/11/2013 15:49

No YANBU

Also the lady who started a thread about wanting to go back to her job full time wasn't being unreasonable either

I stay at home during the day and teach in the evening. We worked out we couldn't afford child care but I'm happy anyway and will just up my hours gradually as and when the kids start nursery/school :)

We don't live on much though - but then we didn't before so there isn't that sense of giving up luxuries. Maybe it's better that way so we don't feel we're missing out now lol!

In a few years we'll be doing better financially though so it's just a matter of keeping everything ticking over in the meantime :)

pianodoodle · 28/11/2013 15:50

Also, I have to say not one person in RL has ever questioned me staying at home during the day I'd be really surprised if they did!

working9while5 · 28/11/2013 16:26

Just be sure you know what you're doing. I felt like you when ds1 was 9 months. I've been off since with ds2 and am due more time off with ds3, due in March.

Yes, it can be precious and priceless but it can also be terribly draining, isolating and Groundhog Day-esque. A toddler v different to a baby, two toddlers v different to one and I'm not really looking forward to the transition of having three. I love the bones of my kids and I love seeing them play together when they're not trying to kill eachother but it is nice to know I am still officially employed.

I think financially I will possibly resign after next Mat leave but I won't be leaving as a SAHM. I'll be leaving to see how things go. Maybe I'll take up some study and I'll definitely keep an eye out for work that suits what I want in terms of work/life balance and remain open to both working and not working.

The whole 'feel' of being home changes periodically. I would see any decision as temporary and not as this great big massive role change until you've done it for a sustained period of time. Bear in mind practicalities of financial security and maternity leave if you want another etc...

Original poster

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 17:00

Thanks again for all replies.

I'm feeling more confident in batting back the frowns!!

We hope to have more children in the future so I will definitely got back to work when DS is at nursery age, to build up more saving. This is by no means forever its just for a few years. While we were ttc I was dreading having to go back to work when I eventually got pregnant and had my baby and due to a change of circumstances I can have a bit of time off and I feel I should take advantage for now.

I've worked since 18 and smartly had a pension that I've moved around with me so it won't hurt to be on hold for a few years. By 'coping' I mean we will have to cut back on certain things but we won't be left starving or freezing.

As I previously said, none of my post was having a pop at people that do choose to go back to work, its only about my situation.

OP posts:

LaGuardia · 28/11/2013 17:01

You don't need a brain to be a SAHM. I was glad to get back to work.

TheEyeofHarmony · 28/11/2013 17:10

If you can afford it and it is what you want to do and you have your husband's support then stuff what people say or think. Your family, your choice.

TheEyeofHarmony · 28/11/2013 17:13

Should also add the same applies to those chosing to go back to work, and I really wish everyone had a choice as I know very many do not.

bigbrick · 28/11/2013 17:15

It's good that you can be a sahm. Ignore those who don't agree

pianodoodle · 28/11/2013 17:19

You don't need a brain to be a SAHM. I was glad to get back to work.

It might not be a requirement but that doesn't mean you can't use your brain during the day if you have one.

I'm sure a SAHM with a brain must give some advantage to the child. I'd like to think so anyway :)

usuallyright · 28/11/2013 17:19

You don't need a brain to be a SAHM. I was glad to get back to work

Eh??!!

pianodoodle · 28/11/2013 17:22

I'm feeling more confident in batting back the frowns!!

No one should be frowning at you - what's it to them anyway?!

It's your family and if you're all happy with the arrangement that's all that matters.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2013 17:23

You don't need a brain to be a SAHM. I was glad to get back to work.

Well that's not exactly an intelligent post is it?

You know, considering if someone removed your brain you'd actually die...

usuallyright · 28/11/2013 17:30

I only work 8 hours a week, so must only be partially lobotomised?!! Lol!!!

apocketfulofposy · 28/11/2013 17:33

yanbu

i have done it the last 6 years and have no plans to ever work again unless i have to.

Nishky · 28/11/2013 17:37

I worked.

I gave my children the best start in life.

You are rather rude in my opinion

AbiRoad · 28/11/2013 17:43

I dont judge anyone either way, Fine if you want to and can afford to be a SAHM. Whatever you decide, you just need to be sure it is the right decision for your family and not look to others to vindicate your decision. Someone will comment whatever you do, and sometimes it is just making conversation.
I work. I dont "need" to in the sense that we could manage on DH's salary if we really needed to. Hence, I could take offence at comments to the effect that working is ok if you need to to keep a roof over your head. However, for us it would make far more sense financially for DH to give up work. But he wants to work (despite being an extremely hands on dad) and it would never occur to him to feel bad about this, and I have never heard anyone judge him for his decision (probably except me occasionally!). Of course some people have judged me but I just ignore it, it does not get to me at all. If it is fine for DH it is fine for me. And our DC are very happy, well-adjusted and well loved and cared for children. If that were not the case I would give up work in a shot (or DH would). I amy retire early though!

thebody · 28/11/2013 17:48

it is extremely rude to comment on anyone else's child care choices. what ever they are they are personal to the parents.

do please tell your friends and relations to fucking mind their own business op.

do what is right for your family and you.

if they comment again just look puzzled and ask the a) is it their business and b) why are they interested in your personal finances/life style choices?

Original poster

sisterelephant · 28/11/2013 18:03

thebody

That's exactly what I plan to now do!!

Just had a very heated conversation with DM who also thinks its crazy that I'll not go back for a while. I believed of all people she would have supported me.

OP posts:

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