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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

164 replies

BionicEmu · 28/11/2013 12:46

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/11/2013 18:36

OP I feel so bad for you.

What is it with musicians? My best friend's (ex)husband walked out on her and their 3 sons, one of whom has cystic fibrosis, when they were all under 6. He "didn't want to be a full time dad. He didn't have enough time to concentrate on his music" FFS. Now he cancels contact on them more often than not. The youngest barely knows his own father. My friend is happier than she has ever been.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 28/11/2013 18:46

OP why doesn't he get paid leave? I he self employed?

Original poster
BionicEmu · 28/11/2013 19:13

He's a contractor. In his industry that means he earns about twice what a permanent member of staff would earn, but obviously no leave/sick pay/pension. He only started contracting a few years ago & we weren't sure how it'd go so he's technically an employee of an umbrella corporation. In hindsight we wish he'd gone down the limited company route as he'd save thousands a year in tax & NI, so when his current contract ends he's going to look at that. His current contract has been renewed every 3-6 months for almost 3 years now.

Oh, he is no musician. Well, he's good at what he does but music is very much a hobby (however much he wishes otherwise).

OP posts:
Original poster
BionicEmu · 28/11/2013 19:20

I've been trying hard not to nag him. Nagging just automatically means he will not do what I ask. The alternative is not to nag & figure he'll see what needs doing but that doesn't happen either.

I've had acupuncture in the past, & it did help my back spasms but did nothing for the grinding, relentless pain. I had it twice a week through my entire pregnancy though (thanks to my amazing pain management consultant for actually doing it herself as everyone else refused), & would've been stuffed without it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BionicEmu · 28/11/2013 19:21

Eek, & sorry for not name-checking everyone that I'm replying to, I keep forgetting names & then trawl back through but by the time I get back to the typing-box thingy I've forgotten the name again. (Am on my phone). Also trying to get children to bed!

OP posts:
LilyAmaryllis · 28/11/2013 19:54

Someone said start small, not all the issues at once...

I wonder whether you could suggest that you start to alternate responsibility for bedtimes. Its obviously a time-consuming routine getting them to bed. (It is in my household too). Also, obviously, lots and lots of evenings you are doing it all by yourself.

So 3 nights a week he has to put both kids to bed, while you do... anything you want/ lie down with a cup of tea/ even go out if you want to?

Just an idea. Might start to alert him to the ongoing responsibilities at home. On the other hand, you might prefer to concentrate on some other aspect of your load first!

pianodoodle · 28/11/2013 21:01

I wouldn't worry about name-checking everyone it isn't expected :)

I can't really add much if anything to what's been said other than another YANBU.

I'm so sorry but no decent adult should be acting the way your husband is. Silent treatment is disgusting IMO.

You have a family together and should be a team who support each other. He's a very selfish man who may as well be an extra child.

I wonder if his parents secretly know this and that's why they help you so much! I'm glad they do or I hate to think where you'd be.

All this talk of needing so much time away etc... really, there are people out there who do a days work and are itching to get back to their family and spend time with them.

If your main concerns about losing him are purely practical it may be worth having a chat with someone about what the reality would be there as it may not be as bad or impractical as you imagine.

I'm not saying you should or will want to leave, but in your position I'd be looking into how it would work and maybe talking it over with a counsellor and/or someone who can advise on the practical aspects. It's worth knowing what your options are...

gimcrack · 28/11/2013 22:20

OP, it sounds as though you have a lot to cope with at the moment, and you need help. Tomorrow morning book a same day appointment with your GP and talk about how you are feeling. Ring your in-laws and ask for help with the kids. Ring your counsellor.

You can change things, but you need to start the ball rolling.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/11/2013 22:46

i am only half way or so down the thread

but honestly, it is eaasier being a single parent and doing it all for the children with out help that the so called help that needs you to direct it, and the extra washing and mess and cooking and shopping ceated by another adult, and more imporrtantly the extra worry of whether they will kick off and strop.

you will get you child benefit back, possibly other benefits and if he cooperates maintenance.

YouTheCat · 28/11/2013 23:16

If it's not too personal, have you lost your CB because of his earnings?

NumanoidNancy · 29/11/2013 00:30

BionicEmu I am a musician. I play in two bands, one that gigs between two and six times a month and pays well. We rehearse that one maybe 3 times a year for a whole day. Thats it. The other one is also paid work but still getting off the ground so needs a bit more rehearsal - currently one evening practice a week but I am a single mum, the rehearsals only happen after 8 pm when my child is asleep. Your dh needs to take a long hard look at his priorities IMO.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 29/11/2013 01:01

YANBU

he is selfish

Grennie · 29/11/2013 01:14

You say that both your psychiatrist and your CPN have spoken to him saying you need more support. Unlike us, they have met both of you and will be in a good position to judge what is happening. And they can both obviously see that he is not supporting you as he should. And yet, it makes no real difference to his behaviour.

Depression can often be turned in anger. women often if they are very angry, but afraid to express it, turn it inwards into depression. It may be, that what you are really feeling is massive anger towards a partner who treats you terribly.

Life can be better than this. I think you know that deep down. And many women say it is much easier being a single parent, than living with a useless partner.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 29/11/2013 01:16

Why does he think he is more important than you?

lessonsintightropes · 29/11/2013 01:29

Oh dear OP. Your situation is a lot more complex than mine but DH is also a musician in addition to his day job. Our situation came to a head when he was doing 3 bands weeks before our wedding in addition to a travel away job. We don't have DCs. My snapping point was him either travelling for work or having band commitments every night for ten days in the fortnight before we got married. I had a massive strop put my foot down and said I wouldn't go through with the wedding unless he radically altered his priorities. He's a good man but struggles to say no to friends and I sometimes need to be very firm/clear about my needs. Sounds like you are doing everything you can to be clear about the impact of his behaviour. I love my husband but totally meant my ultimatum. He understood - and changed. He does slip sometimes but is always open to discussion - I think if yours isn't then thinking about your own mental health and his role as the father of your children needs to be brought sharply into focus, and you need to be prepared to follow through...

zebrafinch · 29/11/2013 04:58

YANBU He is definitely taking the piss.
My ex did this , maybe not so much practice but definitely put the band above his family, went on gigs at weekends after rehearsing in the week, leaving me alone to cope with a Brain damaged baby and toddler.

We divorced. 15 years on he is still playing to audiences of twenty in crappy venues.

Original poster
BionicEmu · 29/11/2013 08:10

YouTheCat yes, I lost child benefit due to his earnings. It was a lot of money to lose!

I think I don't confront him about anything because I haven't the energy to deal with the fall-out i.e. the way he'll react and the sulking for days on end.

Deep down I think I'm scared that he'll leave us.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 29/11/2013 10:38

Well, at least you are married. Financially, that makes a massive difference if you did divorce.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 29/11/2013 10:40

"Deep down I think I'm scared that he'll leave us."

Maybe you should start wishing for that. You'd be better off in all ways.

expatinscotland · 29/11/2013 10:43

Let's hope he does. This guy's a twat, you know.

Roussette · 29/11/2013 10:57

I wouldn't put up with an OH ignoring me for half an hour, let alone days. It is a horrible childish thing to do. Everyone needs space at times, course they do.. but to actually ignore you when you ask him if he want's a cuppa is beyond the pale.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 29/11/2013 13:40

Just a thought, if you don't know what he earns, how did you lose the child benefit? How do you know he's over the threshold?

toffeesponge · 29/11/2013 14:31

You didn't have to lose your CB. He could have still had you receive it and he take the hit himself.

My DH has done that. Partly so I still get the money into my account and partly to do with NI I think.

Why are you scared he will leave you? He brings nothing to your life and certainly nothing to your children's lives and well being.

waterrat · 29/11/2013 15:02

You need some counselling to talk through why you are scared of losing someone who does not make you feel loved or valued

He sulks and lives the life he wants while you do the childcare and have no freedom - you need to get your confidence up so you can imagine life without him

LineRunner · 29/11/2013 15:04

God I thought you were my ExH's new wife for a minute!

He is 'in a band'. They are shit.

They also spend shed-loads of money on this bizarre vanity project buying instruments and equipment, studio hire, recording 'tracks' that everybody hates but feels forced to listen to and watch on their sad little You Tube links, and generally being a bit early-middle-aged embarrassing. They also all think they are god's gift to women.

Meanwhile their kids (and partners) go without (time and money).

If my ExH's new wife is reading this, the medal's in the post, love. Grin