To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

[BionicEmu]

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

[justtoomessy]

I think you would be better off single than this piss taking idiot! Blimey he is very, very selfish.

No wonder you have suffered from PND you are bringing your kids up on your own but having to deal with a grown up child as well. Not sure why you are bothered about losing him as he doesn't seem worth it in the first place. At least if he left you would get a break form the kids when he had them.

PND is hard to deal with a you need some support. Give him an ultimatum that he has to stop some of the band practice and sod his happiness and he isn't giving a shit about yours.

[Darkesteyes]

tinyturtle i know you posted before you saw the posts about the OPs illness but i disagree. Whether she is ill or not why should he get to check in and out of family life like a b and b guest just because he has a penis.
And OP as well as being emotionally abusive with the sulking passive aggresive shite, the fact that he says he will "help out" says that he sees the house and kids as YOUR job and womens work and that all that is beneath him.

[YouTheCat]

If he wants to behave like a single person, make it so.

[Upthejunction1]

AFFAIR....Smacks of it, yeah he may be in a band or two...but dear oh dear...he wants the single life, you n the kids are secondary. I bet you he is seeing some young thing....let's say a GROUPIE...Wake up girl smell the coffee...or his clothes more to the point.

[Loopytiles]

LTB.

[Onsera3]

Wow he is behaving so selfishly. So he's out leaving you to struggle by yourself when you need the help which is unkind to you. And maybe this could be because he found your depression difficult to deal with and he's avoiding you. Would he go to counselling with you?

But what about the children?! He's missing out on so much time with them due to this self indulgent hobby.

Either he is a good guy who is hiding from some issues of his own through this hobby or he is a selfish bastard. Maybe even a narcissist, though that might be taking it too far when I haven't heard enough about other aspects of his behaviour. But the stonewalling rings alarm bells of someone having a real personality problem.

Was he any better before you had the children or the PND? Did you have an enjoyable relationship?

[BionicEmu]

Sorry I haven't been back here sooner, DS has got a chest infection & so is vomiting a ridiculous amount.

One thing that's confusing me is how strongly some people are saying that DH's behaviour is unreasonable. Is it really that bad? I don't really know how other people behave I guess - I have no basis for comparison.

I've been with DH since I was 17 & he was 24, I moved in with him shortly after I met him.

He's never really been that supportive of my back problems. Sometimes he'll ask what's wrong if I'm struggling a bit, I'll say that my back has flared up & he'll just go on about how I'm always whinging about my back. I think he maybe refuses to acknowledge how bad it gets cos he knows then he'll have to actually help.

I gave up asking for help when my back's bad long ago. When I was pregnant I was really struggling - had to use crutches & ended up being induced at 37 weeks due to the pain. He still wouldn't clean the cat's litter tray & clean up the dog mess from the garden. Every time I asked him to he'd say he'll do it later, but then he didn't. So then I'd ask him again, then he'd just say I was nagging him, always on his case...if I didn't do it he'd just leave it & it wouldn't get done.

I don't know what to say to him. I'm struggling doing everything for the children & the house. I feel sick when I think about going back to work. But then I feel sick when I think about talking to him about him helping. I feel like I'm almost at breaking point, & the fall-out from confronting him will just tip me over the edge.

[TheBitchesOfWeestick]

Yes, it is really that bad. Going by what you've written here, he does not like, respect or care for you at all.

[gimcrack]

OP, here's an example for you to consider. When my first kid was nearly two I was very ill for a week. My husband did all the cooking and cleaning. He would bring my son into our bedroom so I could see him, then whisk him away when he tried to bounce on me.

I did nothing other than focus on getting better.

Partners support each other, particularly when you need it most. Ok, everyone has occasions when their other half seems to be getting a better deal in terms of free time, but if you have a word then it gets better. That's a healthy relationship.

[AnUnearthlyChild]

Yes

It is that bad.

[Pimpf]

Yes, it really is that bad. He's a selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless, childish twat.

If I were you I would want to know exactly how much he earns and what spare money is spent on his hobbies. I would also be saving a chunk of money each month for when I decided to kick him out so at least there was a slush fund. I would tell him to man up and stop being such a child himself. He is your husband, not one of the children. He is supposed to support you, not leave the mundane crap for you to do.

Apart from money, what does he actually bring to the relationship?

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Sorry yes it sounds bad

Do you have no friends or family who are in good relationships (for comparison)?

[AnUnearthlyChild]

Look at it this way

If you lived in a flat share with your bff how much would you expect your flat mate to pitch in and do shared chores like washing and cleaning?

That should be your benchmark. He is massively taking the piss.

[FutTheShuckUp]

In what ways does this man child show you he loves you? Because most of the basic ways someone could show love and compassion for their partner for instance not wanting them to struggle when unwell he certainly doesn't

[lottiegarbanzo]

Yes, it is that bad, it is very, very bad.

He doesn't care about you and treats you like a servant.

People in normal relationships care about the other person and try to make them happy. They can be selfish too but usually only within limited boundaries and they'll recognise when they've gone too far.

Partners can adopt rigid roles, often quite traditionally 'gendered' ones, which may be where some of your confusion comes from. You see other wives doing a lot of home stuff and husbands who have more defined hobbies. That's usually happened as a process of negotiation over the years though 'I prefer doing this, could you do that? I'll cook if you wash up, I'll make dinner while you put the kids to bed, I'll do the night shift if you get up with them in the morning, I'll do laundry, you deal with the dishwasher, I'll plant flowers, you mow the lawn' etc.

Men often do have more defined hobbies 'band, football, cricket' whereas women have social lives, consisting of lots of different activities. Most of us are able to pursue these activities for a similar amount of time each week.

[BionicEmu]

I don't have any savings at all. The way we're set up at the moment is that DH gets paid into his bank account, then transfers a big chunk into the joint account. The mortgage & all bills go out of the joint account.

At the moment, as I'm on mat leave, I am bringing in no money at all, so all food shopping, my diesel etc is coming out of the joint account. I'm trying to spend as little as possible.

When I'm at work, I buy all the food/household shopping & my diesel etc. If I've spent all my money before the end of the month (usually due to an occasional expense like buying kids clothes) then I dip into the joint account.

Thinking about it very hard, I think maybe some of these problems started when DH started earning a lot more. He used to earn about £32k as a permanent employee. Then he was forced out of his job (local office closed so ended up being based at different office 100 miles away.) . We decided he would give contracting a go. So overnight he went from earning £32k to £60-80k. (As I said, I'm not sure exactly but am 99% sure it's in that bracket). Although of course he gets no annual leave, sick pay or pension.

This all happened when DC1 was a couple of months old. So I wasn't earning much & was at home all the time anyway.

I think sometimes he maybe has the attitude of "I bring in all this money so that's my job done." When I've spoken to him before about buying expensive music stuff he's had the attitude that he brings in all this money so he should be able to spend some of it on himself. I guess because I'm on a low wage (I work 3 days a week & my gross salary is about £10.5k - full time I would be on a salary of £18k.) I have to make up the difference by doing all the housework. I've not really thought about it before.

[BionicEmu]

Oh, & I don't think he's having an affair.

In some ways I kind of wish he was. Then he might stop badgering me for sex! Plus then when I found out I would just leave him/kick him out.

[Itstartshere]

This is a really sad thread. You deserve so much more. His behaviour is appalling - very, very selfish.

Pain is awful, it wears you down to a nub. He should be cherishing you and helping out where he can. He's doing the complete opposite.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

How can 2 people be in a relationship where 1 of them is quite hard up, and the other is rich and spends happily on himself.

Wtf?!

[Mia4]

OP he is being VVU. Suggest you reread your posts, imaging that it's one of your DC telling you their partner is like that. Do you still think it's acceptable and not that unreasonable?

Sounds to me like he's eroded you over time and continues to tread you down to keep you there. Have you looked into counselling?

[BionicEmu]

Oddly enough, I've spoken to his parents about him quite a bit. They're really lovely & pissed off at him too. MIL keeps saying that I can't go on like this, but I said to her what else can I do? They've called him selfish too.

Example: DH rarely sees his parents. They live a 20min drive away & have DS on a Fri and sometimes DD as well. In-laws keep saying to get DH to pick the kids up from him, but he never does. If I ask him to then he's always got something that needs doing so he can't. Or sometimes he'll just say a flat "No."

MIL has been in hospital a few times now. When she's there DH will visit her every single day. Yet when she comes out he'll go months without seeing or even talking to her.

When we were trying to do the DIY stuff to make DS a bedroom DH took that long doing it (an entire year) that his dad came round and finished it off.

I'm just confused. And I don't know what to do. I'm struggling very much right now, I don't think I'm doing very well mental-health wise. That's why I'm stuck I guess. I feel at breaking point, but I know that I can't really ask DH to help more. Whatever I say I'm sure he won't like & will think I'm criticising him, so then he'll get all defensive & be in a right mood for days. And that will just tip me over the edge.

[BionicEmu]

The thought of him leaving me terrifies me too though. At the moment my children have a nice, warm house, food to eat & lots of toys, craft stuff etc to play with.

It just seems a bit selfish to risk all of that.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Those are valid feelings.

Can you maybe start making small changes?

You need a. "Running away fund" ( some money of your own he can't touch) even if you never use it, so you don't feel trapped, ever, and just stay for financial reasons.

You cannot stay this helpless.

Get your financial independence sorted!

[TheBitchesOfWeestick]

All of that means nothing without happiness and loving respect, Bionic. Nothing at all. Your children are seeing one parent abuse and disrespect the other on a daily basis. Your health is at risk. You sound like someone who is being rubbed out, and that is so sad. This is not a partnership in any sense.

You deserve care and joy and kindness.