To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

[BionicEmu]

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

So he has completely opted out of being a parent then. Happy to piss about like a single man whilst you skivvy at home. He has no respect for you and doesn't care about you. I don't say that to be unkind or to be hurtful but that's the way of it. And he has you too beaten down to object to it.

I just don't know. I'm stuck.

Just to offer a little correction - he couldn't have really looked after DS when I was in hospital, he doesn't get any paid leave from work.

I don't really have leisure money I guess. The most I do leisure-wise though is go to the park or visit friends, & my diesel money comes out of the joint account as I'm not earning at the moment. I'm not that bothered about spending money - I pretty much just spend on the household/food shop, diesel, the odd soft play/coffee & the odd item of clothing I just grab from the supermarket.

I'm not even 100% sure what DH earns, I know roughly though. I know what he transfers to the joint account, but I'm not sure how much he keeps back. Enough to buy guitars & amps, & pay for practice rooms, the odd night out etc.

Elizabeth you're right, its selfish vs thoughtful not men vs women.

BionicEmu I really feel for you, you're in a right tangle. You really need some extra help from somewhere. How awful that your DH can't even cope with feeding your DD for a day!

It truly pisses me off when people start throwing out abuser & useless blah blah blah.

It sounds to me like you just don't want him to go to band practice? If he went at 8 -12 thats 4 hours hardly not a great amount of time for him to do whatever.

From what you say there is alot of trauma that has happened in the household and would it be really difficult for people to cut the guy some slack?

I was a total utter cow to my husband when I had depression.

Oh and.. he could hardly look after their ds where would the money to pay bills come from?

Then it would be his fault they lost their house.

If you've got to the point that you cannot take any more then find a way out. You both sound utterly miserable to be honest

What, tinyturtletim, if he put his son to bed at night or looked after him for a day at the weekend he'd lose his job and their home? Really? No one else has suggested him giving up his job.

It truly pisses me off when people start throwing out abuser & useless blah blah blah.

It's an open forum. People are perfectly entitled to call it as they see it. Everything the OP has written screams useless, selfish twunt. Abuse? Maybe not intentional, but imo it's still an abusive way to treat the person you supposedly love.

That's how I'm feeling - all tangled up.

I'm fairly sure I'm not particularly happy, but I don't know what would make me happy.

As cliched as it sounds, what I really want is for my kids to be happy. Right now they have a warm house, plenty of food & lots of toys. I'm grateful for that & so am struggling to work out what to do.

It's all very well saying leave him/kick him out, but on a practical level that just doesn't work.

I don't know, I'm having a hard time thinking straight at the moment, my head is too full.

Well exactly, you need some major changes to happen before you'll be able to think clearly or consider your own needs properly. To an extent then, you need to act 'on faith', following others' advice (your doctor /nurse) believing that change will make a difference and allow you to consider things properly. What you can't do is trap yourself in limbo forever, as then you'll never be in a position to make decisions about anything.

tinyturtletim if you read what I have written then I don't begrudge him going to band practice. I was upset that he didn't think to get in touch to tell me that instead of being home at 9:30pm, he was going to be home at about midnight.

They're not practising: they're sitting around and noodling. My DH is a musician and, though he practises a lot at home, by himself, he rehearses very little with others. OK, so he's not actually in a band but one of the reasons he isn't is that he loathes wasting too much time. Your DH is massively taking the piss.

tinyturtletim, whether you call it 'abuse' or not, the OP's H is stonewalling her, failing to do what he says he'll do (come home on time, complete tasks round the house), fails to feed his own children properly when looking after them, and spends money and time on himself while his wife, it seems, gets no money or leisure time to herself. It's really not a question of just begrudging him his band practice.

Your husband is a complete failure as an adult.

He is a totally fucking useless husband and father.

He treats you like shite, you know that, don't you?

Stonewalling you for days is abusive behaviour.

He gets angry to put you in your box if you ask for him to contribute at home.

And you are UNWELL.

Medical professionals are having to ring this useless fucker up and tell him to look after his own family and he STILL won't step up.

Seriously, you'll soon find out how much he earns if you divorce him.

You'll be far better off in all possible ways and so will your children.

Thank you everyone for your replies.
Honestly, my head is just too full of thoughts of hurting myself to think straight. Every time I try & think about something else, the thoughts just keep coming back. I'm not going to, I just can't stop thinking about it.

I've been with DH for 10 years now, married for 8 years. We used to do all the house stuff together. I just don't know where it all went wrong.

lottie I was referring to when the op was in a mother and baby unit. Someone up above said he should of looked after his son at the time but presumably he needed to work.

bionic I feel sorry for you honestly I really do, and I totally get the situation that you're currently in. I am glad to hear you say its not as simple as leaving, if we all left when things got to the breaking point noone would be married to anyone anymore.

Consider writing him a letter. Noone is perfect sometimes we need to realise what we are about to lose before we get a grip and shape up.

whoknows did I say people are not entitled to say as they see things? Nope. I was doing the same.

BionicEmu Have you any family or RL life support (other than his parents)?

Your H (no 'D' about it) is truly taking the piss. He isn't being a husband or a father.
tinyturtletim I don't get why you want the OP to virtually appease this total waste-of-space. He is living the life he wants at the expense of his wife and children. If he sulks when she tries to talk to him he's really going to love a letter.

BionicEmu Would you be able to see a counsellor who may help you see straight? Give you the strength to decide what you want to do? Because I really fear for when you have to do all you do now plus return to work.

Have you told your counsellor what you have written here? Do they know you are having these issues and the thoughts of self harm still?
I really think you need some help in clearing your mind, plus possibly some adjustments to your medication/treatment as you are clearly struggling.
Leave to one side any relationship issues for a short time. Obviously There will need to be big changes to make this a relationship worth saving. Big, long lasting decisions shouldn't be taken right now, as you need to be in a better state of mind to think clearly. That should be your number one priority.

It all went wrong when he decided he was Lord and Master and you were subservient to him.

If you want help to leave you will get it here.

If you want help to stay you will get support but with firm words.

He is not a good father when he treats their mother like crap.

My DH never really has a set time for when he will be home but he has just texted to say he is still at work. Just courtesy to let me know as I have the kids to sort out and dinner to do for DH and I.

BionicEmu
Do you feel as though everything's got a bit out of control and beyond you?
Your OP was quite long and you've talked about more than one issue. It's not just your DH's behaviour and attitude really is it? it seems the children's sleeping habits, your own health and how you've been since DD was born are all snowballing.

Perhaps it would help just to try and think about one thing at a time.
Perhaps you could have a quiet chat with DH and ask him that if he changes his plans he'd just let you know so that you could crack on with what needs to be done? Hopefully he won't spit his dummy at that simple arrangement.
Just try tackling one thing at a time so that the overall situation isn't overwhelming you all the time.

I think you need some time to build your strength up and you will get there.

You're right, there's just too much & I feel at breaking point.

I haven't seen my CPN for a month or so, she keeps rearranging. I need to get used to not having her though, as come January I'll not be having her or my psychiatrist any more.

My pain management consultant is supposed to be arranging some counselling for me with one of their counsellers because I've just been told due to what spinal issues I have there's little they can do. She said that & I couldn't stop crying, the thought of being like this forever is horrible.

I think work is just going to finish me off. I'm already arguing with them over leave & how I'm starting back, & I feel actually sick when I think about it. I think they're trying to push me out of a job really.

Where it all went wrong was that you became parents, with all the responsibilities that that entails, and you have risen to this and he has not.

I love my husband to bits, but he took a long long time to adapt. If I'd posted on here, he would have been flamed and I would have been told to LTB immediately!

He was (and still is) rarely back by bedtime. He has a long commute, but most late evenings are because he has stopped for a beer. He did very little round the house midweek, and I simply couldn't leave the children with him for more than a few minutes. The first time I went out, he called me to say the baby wouldn't stop crying and I had to come home straight away.

I have to say, it has settled down, and all is well now. I am glad I stuck it out, although I would completely understand if you choose not to.

I think what I did was to back off, because I started to sound like an old nag. I told him he could have his evenings out, so long as he let me know before hand.

I then sorted out my own social life (I play a sport, am a school governor, have nights out etc) and just made it clear that I expect him to be in on those evenings - they're a bit older now and he doesn't have to change any nappies...

We share a diary and it's first come first serve on the dates.

Strangely, once I stopped "nagging" he started to take on a lot more.

Oh, and I would tell him that the idea of a "man cave" is just childish and pathetic. Sounds like he's about 12.

Sorry, that's a bit waffly, but thinking outloud.

hes a musician. Nuff said.

He needs a reality check., You shouldnt be doing all this stuff. Hes being completely selfish and unsupportive

Sorry, meant to add that my dh couldn't cope at all with any of my mental health or physical health issues. Basically, if I'm unwell he goes to bits and runs. (Had both after ds2 was born although thankfully sorted now).

Show him this thread maybe? Might show him how on your knees you are?

Have you tried acupuncture or an osteopath op?

If medical routes are running out definitely think of other ways