To think DH is starting to take the piss now?

[BionicEmu]

DH is now in 2 bands. This means he's off at band prac 2-4 times a week. One of the bands he comes home from work, wolfs down dinner, then goes straight back out. He eventually gets home about midnight.

The other band he goes to practice straight from work, and usually gets home about 9:30pm.

Last night he was at practice with band 2 - he went straight from work, told me he'd be back about 9:30pm. Well, at 10pm he still wasn't back. I call his mobile, no answer. At 10:30pm I tried again, but no answer. Sent him text, no reply. Was starting to get worried as was expecting him home an hour previously, & his journey home involves dark, twisty lanes.

I finally got through to him at 11:30pm - 2 hours after I was expecting him home; 2.5 hours after he should have finished practice. He said "yeah, sorry, we decided to do some recording while we were here, we're just packing up now."

Well why the hell didn't he just ring me to tell me that, or even just drop me a quick text?! We had a bit of an argument & apparently it was just one of those things that I know can happen, & I need to chill out & be more supportive. I said that I thought i was being supportive, but he takes the piss! I did back-track & ended up saying" fine, ok, just let me know in future." I hate confrontation & DH sulks for days.

I think I am bloody supportive though! He works full-time in a demanding job, I get that one of the things that keeps him sane is playing with the band. We have 2 DCs, 3yo DS & 10mo DD. Both are a nightmare at bed-time, when I'm by myself with them I'm lucky if they're both asleep by 9pm. DS has some medical issues too (although is ok most of the time). Despite this, I am happy for him to go play with his bands as I know it makes him happy.

My psychiatrist has even spoken to him before, saying that having both kids by myself for so long is something I really struggle with - sometimes the evenings are that awful me & the kids end up all sat on the sofa, all crying. At that time he was only in one band, & cut back to just 1 practice a week. That lasted for 3 weeks, then he joined another bloody band as well as increasing practices. (I have been struggling badly with post-natal depression - I was admitted into the mother & baby unit for 6 weeks when DD was a few months old, & I'm still struggling now. In fact, I'm really, really struggling. Having confusing thoughts.)

So AIBU to think he should have just bloody told me he'd be back late last night?

I know it's a tiny thing, but it's annoyed me lots. I don't know if I overreacted a bit to just a little thing?

OP shouldn't have to spell out what help she needs when she has so much going on with her health.

Thinking objectively - yes, he provides money.

I'm on mat leave so not earning. My child benefit stopped earlier this year, so not getting that. His salary goes into his bank account, he then transfers a huge chunk to the joint account to pay mortgage, bills etc & for me to do shopping, my diesel, stuff for the kids etc.

What he can do to help is come home from work most days and put at least one of the kids to bed, sometimes both (you do both, he can too). Maybe cover some of their getting up time in the morning. Give you a lie in every weekend. Take turns cooking dinner and doing the washing up and tidying so you get some time off in the evening. Take them out or to see his parents now and then at the weekend.

I can't understand how your arrangement is going to work when you go back to work. Your life will be work outside the home, work in the home and sleep - and not enough of that because you're doing all the nights with the dcs. While his is work outside the home plus vast amounts of leisure time and the occasional interaction with his dcs.

The return to work is a good reason to sit down and talk through how things need to be for the household to function, with you both getting osme time off and enough sleep.

Could you stretch to a cleaner? Or an ironing service? Or both with your back problems.

OP - re read your posts. not once have you said that you love him. or even like him. this might be the pnd but more likely the fact that he still wants to live like a single 20 something and you have to be the grown up. its decision time. either you can get him to give you the help and support you need or you cant. if you cant then why stay with someone who creates more anxiety and work. he is a drain on you if he wont grow up. be really clear on this. he isn't going to change. why should he. write it down. tell him how you feel. suggest some solutions. there is no need for anyone how ever stressful their job or life to be out 4 nights a week. this is about blokes messing around rather than facing up to it all. don't put up with it.

Re: DIY. He just has to finish the sodding plastering then I can do woodwork & decorating. When we were doing our room a couple of years ago, he was taking forever so I got my mum round & me & her fitted the new door. He came back home, I thought he'd be pleased cos we'd saved him from doing it, but he wasn't. He got in a proper strop that we'd done it (to this day I still don't understand why), he stormed out of the house, eventually came back after a few hours but again didn't say a single word to me for a couple of days.

When I was in hospital my in-laws & my parents took turns in looking after DS.

Really disturbed that he keeps 'not saying a word' to you for a couple of days when he's challenged on his laziness. This is really childish behaviour.

Could you suggest as a compromise that he helps you get the children in bed and then goes to band practice?

Going to practice after bedtime doesn't really work. He gets home from work about 6pm, we eat at about 6:15pm, then DS has to wait 30 mins before he takes his meds, then 15 mins after that until he has a drink...DS won't go to sleep by himself either, I have to wait up there with him. I've been trying really hard to address that & I'm at the point now where he'll let me wait outside in the hallway rather than in his room, so getting there! Nightmare getting him into bed in the first place now though.

And DD just will not go to sleep easily. She gets properly mad & hysterical. So if he waited til kids were in bed he'd not be leaving the house til 8pm ish, which is too late really.

When I say he won't say a word for a couple of days I really do mean just that. He'll completely ignore me, & won't speak. Even if I ask him something inane, like does he want a coffee, he'll ignore me. Tbh I find it very difficult & stressful when he's like that.

It sounds to me like he's almost totally avoiding home life. He's not being a decent husband and he's not being a decent father either.
I totally understand that he might be under a fair bit of pressure from full time work, a second child and a poorly wife, but he should man up and see what practical help will make life easier and better for you all, not rush off to play and drink with the boys.

These trying times with little ones are so difficult in terms of chores and sleep loss, you think you won't ever get through, but you will. You just need to plan and pull together. You and your DH should be tackling all this as a team, not opposing sides with him running out and sulking when you ask him to pull his finger out.
I feel angry on your behalf.

That sulking behaviour is him punishing you for whatever thing he has deemed an offence.

It is one of the behaviours listed by women's aid as being a form of emotional abuse.

Do you know what OP, you would have more time off, more of a break if you were a single mother. He would have his set days with the kids, you would have set days/nights off.

Im not saying LTB, Im putting things into perspective. Perhaps you should relay that to him.

He sounds utterly revolting.

Are there any women in either of these bands, by any chance?

No women in the bands as far as I know.

Tbh I don't trust him to look after the kids by himself. It was my mum's birthday a few weeks ago, we agreed I would go & take my parents out for dinner then stay over at theirs for night - first time I've been away for the night since DD was born. DS was going to in-laws so DH just had DD. I got home the following afternoon to find that all he'd given DD was loads of bottles of milk. She'd had diarrhoea & he didn't know what to feed her anyway, so he thought it better if he just stuck with bottles.

If I trusted him to look after them I would've gone away a long time ago.

He's worse than useless. Not only does he refuse to do any parenting or make a practical contribution to the household, he's an abusive arse to you when you sort it out yourself. And this would be the case even if you didn't have medical issues to contend with - the fact that you do makes his behaviour even nastier.

It's not a tiny thing. It's a big big thing.

I think in your shoes I would ask your inlaws to help as much as you can, as long as they are supportive. They might shame him into taking responsibility.

He was cross about the door because you showed him up. He was making a thing of it being too big and tricky a task to get done and you showed it wasn't. Also, it was about control. He was in control of whether or not the job got done. You took that away from him. The sulking is all about control too and punishment. He gets to decide whether you have a nice, comfortable life or not and if you annoy him, or fail to pander to him adequately, you're punished by him witholding co-operation.

He sounds likes real prick!

Why women put up with this I will never know.

Op send him back to his fucking mothers. That fact that your psychologist had had to speak to him about you needing support and he still can't step up and be a man is awful.

You are the only one that can change this situation. People only treat us however we allow them. If you want to be a door mat carry on!

He clearly has no respect for you what so ever. If you have any for your self you will fuck him off.

You will be far better off on your own.

You are living with a bully.

You need to decide if this is what you want until your children leave home. If not, tell him things have to change or he will find himself divorced.

He has you well trained, OP. If you dare to raise a question/do something he doesnt like/challenge his (lack of) help, he flies into a rage and/or sulks for days. Neither of these addresses the problem, and it has the effect that you don;t raise a question/do anything/challenge him. RESULT!
He gets to do what he likes, while you get on with the drudgery, and never ever challenge him.

You must realise though that everyone else can see that your health is more important than his hobby. Do you realise how obvious that is and what a big thing his choice to prioritise his leisure time obviously is, to anyone else?

He's not even capable of caring for his own children. Wow You are getting nothing but extra anxiety and stress out of your relationship with this man.

That is ridiculous. How dare he treat you like that? Refusing to speak to you for a couple of days - that is absolutely not on.

So:

He sulks for literally days
He goes out 2-4 nights a week
He does nothing around the house
He does very little with the kids
He didn't even look after his own son when you were in hospital (!!!!)
Your CPN contacting him has no effect

Tell me, if your DH transfers a huge chunk of money into the joint account for household expenses, what about your own leisure money? What does he have left after bills, and what do you have left? Is it equal?

I have a friend whose DH will not let her do anything (that he considers HIS job) round the house - to the extent that he leaves piles of papers on the stairs that he 'will sort out', tiling to be done, greenhouse to be emptied of old growbags (for eg) ; except he never does. He doesn't do it, but won't let her do it either.

I tell her to just do it and front him out.

Look up 'stonewalling abuse' you'll find your 'D'H in there!
He sounds vile.
Kick him to the curb until he can rectify his behaviour.
You should not and certainly DO NOT need to put up with this kind of shit.