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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL nightmare

110 replies

Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 19:38

Am I being unreasonable to expect my BIL and SIL to spend Christmas Day with our family (me,DH,DM and DF) after they have spent about 15 years of christmas days with SIL family?

OP posts:

pianodoodle · 25/11/2013 22:18

another option of what might be going on - you say your SIL stopped talking to your mum after your mum was just trying to help a situation, honestly, did your Mum interfere and because you don't think it was a big deal you assume your SIL isn't still pissed off about it?

My first thought was exactly that but I didn't want to come out and say it

thurlow I think it is very important to be a part of your wider family. More often than not problems arise from different expectations. Christmas Day is only one day of the whole year though. We choose to spend ours at home as many do but it isn't a reflection on our relationship with either side of the family.

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/11/2013 22:38

only mentioned she has had issues in the past where she has not spoken to my mum (in my opinion my mum was only trying to help the situation at the time). the clue is Is "in my opinion"

Different cultures different parenting styles.

As an aside if DB/H wasn't backing his DW up he would be a twunt, in this case DB/H is backing his DW up and he is a doormat and in some posters eyes probably a twunt as well.

He isn't going to win and neither is the SiL.

brass · 25/11/2013 22:57

*He isn't going to win and neither is the SiL.

when you realise this you stay away. It's much much easier.

CarryOnDancing · 25/11/2013 23:18

I've not read all the replies so I don't know if the conversation has moved on it not but here's my piece.

DH's family probably say the same about me as we spend Xmas with my family. However DH doesn't want to go to his parents on Xmas day. So I think without any knowledge on the situation you can't blame your SIL and make assumptions. DH's family don't know it but if it was up to him they would see him once a year at best as it wouldn't be on Xmas day that's for sure.

There's no big back story. Just his folks are miserable and my family are warm and accommodating. I can't pass judgement on your family but any decision not to see his parents has to come from your DB. It's not fair to assume your SIL in calling the shots!!

Oh and YABU, they can spend Xmas where they want and it's not even your place to pass comment or judgement!

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 23:20

Are your parents staying with you on Xmas day
Are your DB and SIL visiting at all over the Xmas period, or having DPs to stay?
Do you have room for everyone to stay comfortably?
Does anyone have to work over Xmas
How far apart do you, DBro and SIL's parents all live?

EldritchCleavage · 26/11/2013 11:05

Bottom line, if your DB wanted to spend Christmas with his parents and/or you and your family, he would make it happen. It is sad that the relationship is not as close and nurturing as you want it to be, but there we are. Don't blame his wife for keeping him from his family, he's a grown man with freedom of choice.

Littlegreyauditor · 26/11/2013 11:27

I imagine that the SIL's version of this story would be interesting and informative.

RigglinJigglin · 26/11/2013 11:40

MYOB

As grown ups they can decide who they want to spend their time with. And well done to them for not having a Christmas that they don't want.

I get blamed as the SIL from hell for my DH not wanting to spend time at Christmas with his folks and family. He doesn't want to, I'm a scapegoat. I hate all these family politics at Christmas.

My attitude is that no one is entitled to see us, if we want to spend time as a wider family we will. If we don't, then we won't. Anyone who has a problem with that can frig off.

DeWe · 26/11/2013 11:43

But also how much notice had you given them?
You can't necessarily expect them to drop plans at this notice.

It also depends on how you told/asked them.
If you assumed, they may be feeling hurt you never asked. If you told them, they may be irritated at being told what to do.
We were told by bil a few years ago that Christmas was at our house, worse still he'd told everyone else before us, and told dh at a point it was very difficult for him to do anything except agree. We've agreed if that ever happens again our response is that we already have plans so that can't happen.

Also we always went to my grans, every year until she went into a home when I was 20. That was because although there were aunts and uncles they either were abroad or their siblings were only so usually went to their side. On the other grandparent side, we were the only family that didn't go to them every year.

EldritchCleavage · 26/11/2013 11:56

I'm sure the script in DH's remaining family (FIL and SIL) is that I'm to blame for him ceasing contact with them. Well, yes and no. I've never pushed him to do it, quite the opposite. It's just that after we got together the contrast between how I valued him and how his own family treated him became impossible to ignore.

Before No Contact DH was accused of letting me put my family first at the expense of PIL. That wasn't true, but again, DH could not help but notice that his in-laws liked him more and treated him better than his birth family.

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