SIL nightmare

[Littlebear88]

Am I being unreasonable to expect my BIL and SIL to spend Christmas Day with our family (me,DH,DM and DF) after they have spent about 15 years of christmas days with SIL family?

It may also be that the children don't want to spend their whole Christmas day with people they don't know very well? I barely clapped eyes on my dad's parents growing up but adored my mum's mum. It would have felt really weird to suddenly have to spend Christmas day that we'd always done the same way sitting with virtual strangers.

This rang bells for me. Perhaps it is for the children's sake? How old are the kids?

What 'effort' is SIL making? Half day visit?

Also - SIL is getting pressure from her DM by the sounds of it.

The situation is more complicated than it seems. What has DB said?

it doesnt sound like sil is dependant on her mum though, it sounds like she is doing exactly as she likes.

maybe her motheris dependant on sil, not the other way round?

Really really don't understand why the SIL is being so roundly defended.

Too complicated for my poor little brain

Hang on, meeting on Boxing Day instead hasn't been suggested yet?

!

Thank you Lucille Bluth- my parents have very good relationship with their grandchildren and see them a few times a year, when they pay to come over or pay for my DB and SIL to go over in the nice hot summer!

lucille i guess maybe it's because she'd not here to put her case, and the OPs actual brother seems to be missing from the discussion a bit.

I am still a bit that she is that awful that he is unable to push to go to his mum if he wished, after 15 years.

YABU to blame it all on SIL. Your brother has a part to play.

I'm always interested to hear about all these down trodden men on MN who have no say in their lives because their wives make all the decisions.

Sounds like she has had issues with your mum and you sound like you've certainly picked your side of the fence and you are still surprised that she hasn't wanted to spend Christmas with you in 15 years?

I do agree that I am being unfair just blaming SIL,

My god. I have two DSs......if it ever came to the point that I hadn't seen one of them or their DCs over Christmas for a few years I would call my son and and ask why he feels he doesn't want to see me, if the SIL is the gatekeeper I would call her and request to see my child at Christmas.

I also have a DD and I don't expect to be regarded as more important to her than I will be to my sons iykwim.

Such fucking double standards, the female's parents are not more important and in this case would it kill the son to see his parents.

But that's what has happened people presume that my SIL ha a ba relationship with me!? I only mentioned she has had issues in the past where she has not spoken to my mum (in my opinion my mum was only trying to help the situation at the time). I have had no issues with my SIL, I have sat back an watched how she treats my DB which is not how I would treat my DH.

lol can you hear yourself?

in my opinion my mum was only trying to help the situation at the time

See it's so tricky to get an opinion when there's so much we don't know.

Have you chatted to your brother about his relationship and your opinions of it? Is he easy to talk to?

only mentioned she has had issues in the past where she has not spoken to my mum (in my opinion my mum was only trying to help the situation at the time).

Oh that doesn't sound promising at all.... [hmmm]

I don't think anyone assumes the female's family is more important. There seems to be the often incorrect assumption that the DIL is the "gatekeeper" to their son rather than accept what their son might be saying to them as coming from his own free will.

OP it's really quite common to get women posting here and on relationships about how their DHs have tried to distance themselves from their own family for one reason or another, the poster has backed their DH up, and then been painted by the family as the one trying to 'take the son away from his mother' or making themselves a barrier between him and his family somehow.

You could be spot on and your SIL is a complete cow, but if you really want an informed opinion about weather or not YABU then we need to know a bit more detail really.

I think the main thing is don't make a big issue of the Christmas Day thing with them, or if you do bring it up with your brother, don't suggest his wife his to blame.

They don't have to justify their decision to your family's satisfaction as they are grown people. Trying to force the issue will cause resentment.

Guys guys lets all calm down, I came on here for some support and advice, not to be branded dysfunctional. This has obviously hit a nerve with a few 'SILs' out there!

You're really not getting it OP. If you really wanted advice you wouldn't have chosen AIBU, entitled it Nightmare SIL and banged on about the SIL in every post.

lol and passive aggressive to boot!

OP - what people are pointing out is there might be a selection of reasons why your DB and SIL want to still spend Christmas with her parents that have nothing to do with her being a nightmare.

Can I add another suggested reason - you say SIL relies on her mother, does that mean your DB's MIL does a lot of childcare for them? Because if so, I can see why he wouldn't want to upset his MIL if she is someone who keeps things working in their family. Childcare offering parents often get favoured for 'big' occasions (and I'm sure your parents would offer to help if they were close, fact is they aren't).

another option of what might be going on - you say your SIL stopped talking to your mum after your mum was just trying to help a situation, honestly, did your Mum interfer and because you don't think it was a big deal you assume your SIL isn't still pissed off about it? Or your DB?

But whatever their reasons, do you really think your DB is so cowed he would do whatever your SIL said and wouldn't be permitted a choice?

It also might be nothing to do with SIL, but your DB doesn't want to see his parents.

Anyway, make a big party on Boxing day.

From the way so many posters, especially on AIBU, seem to believe it's perfectly ok for adult children to just stop being part of their wider family in any proactive way, you'd imagine that hardly any of them were parents themselves...

You don't like her, your DM doesn't like her, you have taken your DM side in an argument, maybe she sense and knows this and does not want to spend xmas with you?

Thurlow they're still in their lives - just not spending Christmas day together. Sounds like DB and family holiday at his parents other times of the year.

I just wondered if there is something else happening?

I don't think really YABU. But having got all ready to say - of course they should come to your parents, for one year out of quite a lot, so she is being UR, it suddenly occurred to me I've never been to PIL for Christmas. Now it's slightly different because they live on the other side of the world and don't travel so it involves massive air fares for us (we have been and taken DD to meet her family, just not for Christmas Day). But we have talked about it. I'm reluctant though - because my grandparents are both alive and in their 90s, and I am very very close to them both. Each year I think "This year might be their last" so I want to spend the day with them. It's nothing against PILs (I'm very fond of mine - unusual I know on MN!), it's just that Christmas Day is a big deal in our family and I want to spend as many of them with my grandparents before I don't have the chance any more. Is there something like that going on which makes it hard for your SIL to be fair and rational?