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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL nightmare

110 replies

Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 19:38

Am I being unreasonable to expect my BIL and SIL to spend Christmas Day with our family (me,DH,DM and DF) after they have spent about 15 years of christmas days with SIL family?

OP posts:
friday16 · 25/11/2013 20:25

OP, if you stopped drip-feeding, we might be able to understand.

Why is the entire family living in this country, aside from the parents, who have been abroad for fifteen years? The usual reason is retiring abroad. Using more words doesn't cost extra.

Moreisnnogedag · 25/11/2013 20:28

Yeah I can't see that your sil or db would be up for this, yay let's go spend Christmas with people who don't like us and who expected us to drop everything because they're in the country. I'd also be super interested to know how the subject was broached. Was it presented as a done deal with shocked faces all round when they didn't leap at the chance?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 25/11/2013 20:29

I can imagine my SIL posting this too and blaming me, where in reality there are lots of issues between DH and PILS and they refuse to acknowledge this and SIL does not care or has a clue.

Interesting how its all SIL! I imagine they are all blaming me too, that's what the other family does isn't it! They cant face up to the fact their own son or brother perhaps cant stand them? Lots of wives of put upon men assist their husbands in freeing themselves from family constraints were they are damaging at the DH behest.

Anyway, If you know MN you will know that most DIL agonise over what to do in very difficult and nasty situations and usually limiting contact is a very last resort.

Of course you are going to be loyal to your mum, but unless you actually look into why there may be issues and be more diplomatic you are not actually going to change or help the situation. If you moan to your mum about your sil you will make it worse.

Salmotrutta · 25/11/2013 20:29

Just to re-cap then:-

You and your brother were brought up abroad
You and your brother moved here (UK?)
Your parents mostly stay at home for Christmas
This year they are coming to you
They have never been invited for Christmas at your brother's

Have your DB and SIL gone to them for holidays?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 25/11/2013 20:32

Grin @ pulling teeth, without anesthetic.

WaitingForMe · 25/11/2013 20:34

I think it can be tricky to try and know what goes on in other homes. I don't mind MIL and SIL blaming me for not seeing much of DH because the truth of the situation is that after having counselling for issues surrounding how they treat him, he was about to cut them out of his life and I suggested we go for minimal contact instead. Now SIL (favoured child) thinks the sun shines out of MILs arse so I'd never expect her to understand why we see so much of my family over hers.

I'm not suggesting OPs family is that dysfunctional but I'd bet money on my inlaws being staggered to learn that if it wasn't for me, they might not see DH at all.

So I have to vote YABU but I agree it's sad.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 25/11/2013 20:35

Is it possible that your db and his wife don't like you all enough to want to spend Christmas day with you?

And what Elf said!

pianodoodle · 25/11/2013 20:36

I think your expectations are different to theirs.

As long as they are making an effort don't lay a guilt trip on them to get things how you would like them.

DH's family assumed we'd be going there for Christmas Day when we were first married.

Even though both of us had grown up having a family Christmas at home, they couldn't seem to understand why we'd want to start doing the same with our own children.

It was all "how disappointing" even though we made lots of effort and saw them on boxing day etc...

It is annoying when you both decide something you're happy with and then either side or both sides of the family apply pressure to have it their way.

Have a nice Christmas I'm sure you will see everyone but Christmas Day itself isn't the be all and end all :)

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 20:37

When did your parents say they were coming over? Recently?

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 25/11/2013 20:37

I'm not suggesting OPs family is that dysfunctional but I'd bet money on my inlaws being staggered to learn that if it wasn't for me, they might not see DH at all Almost exactly the same here Waiting.

DontmindifIdo · 25/11/2013 20:38

OP - If your parents live in another country to you and your DB, and this is the first time your parents are coming to you, then it sounds like you have taken your family overseas every other year, that's great for you, but if we had to do that, we couldn't (DH is expected to work Christmas eve and between Christmas and New Year, it would mean arriving late on Christmas eve, leaving first thing on boxing day, not that practical for most international destinations, and very expensive).

It also sounds like SIL family live close to DB and SIL, could it be they are very involved with the DN's lives?

Assuming your DB could take the time off work, you said there's no history, yet you think SIL has been not speaking to your DM and ignoring her, when? At family events, over visits or just not contacting her?

Salmotrutta · 25/11/2013 20:38

I feel we should have a plenary session...

Original poster
Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 20:39

We all lived in same place before my brother left home 15 years ago, I then left 12 years ago, my mum and dad have stayed in their home country, I try to get home every second Christmas. It's very expensive for them to come over and they don't keep very well either,

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 25/11/2013 20:42

Another quesiton, do you know your SIL well? Do you konw much of what's going on in her family? Could it be there are very good reasons why they want to be there this year? (We've had a year when we were 'due' to be at my parents, but went to DH's because it was clear his grandfather wasn't going ot make another Christmas and DH wanted to be there. One of my best friend's parents are divorced and she will only ever go to her mums, but that's because otherwise her mum would be on her own, and her PIL and Dad have at least a spouce to spend the day with)

pianodoodle · 25/11/2013 20:44

It may also be that the children don't want to spend their whole Christmas day with people they don't know very well?

I barely clapped eyes on my dad's parents growing up but adored my mum's mum. It would have felt really weird to suddenly have to spend Christmas day that we'd always done the same way sitting with virtual strangers.

DontmindifIdo · 25/11/2013 20:44

If it's expensive for your parents to come to the UK, can you not see it would also be expensive for your DB, SIL and 2 DCs to go there??? Flights are magically cheaper going the other way, and there's the leave from work issue...

Original poster
Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 20:47

I know her and I think we have a good relationship, she just doesn't seem very interested in Us, I just compare the effort she makes to the effort I make for DH family.
I have offered to pay for them to attend Christmas at my mum and dads, they refused saying SiL mother would not be happy with her DD so far away on Christmas Day

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 25/11/2013 20:47

I spend every Christmas with my side of the family because I am an only child and my parents woukd be alone, and dh has a massive family who go to his mums so no one is alone

so

yabu

my awesome mil is cool with this as she hates being alone herself. they are all invited to ours on boxing day

BigToesofFrog · 25/11/2013 20:47

It's "expecting" people do what you think they should do at Christmas and spend time with certain people and not other people because of who is related to who in what way.... that makes Christmas such a hell on wheels for so many people.

Let people do what they want and be with who they want and most importantly, be led by their kids' preferences.

Original poster
Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 20:48

Notyomamma- my SiL is not an only child,

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 25/11/2013 20:49

SIL mother would not be happy with her daughter so far away at Christmas?

Is your SIL 5/an only child/liable to implode?

RooRooTaToot · 25/11/2013 20:50

Can't you all just get together on a different day over the festive period?

DH and I (and now 14month DS) keep to ourselves on CD, with just stockings and our gifts. We then visit my side BD for the bigger celebration. Best of both.

Original poster
Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 20:53

Salmotrutta- I feel you understand where I'm coming from- in my country the women are fiercely independent and confident and I don't understand SIL dependence on her mum? I'm sure we are not only family going through this!!!

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 25/11/2013 20:53

but why should she drop what is obviously their family tradition just because you say jump?

do you know if her siblings go to her parents or just her and her family?

does
your brother even want to go? he may be perfectly happy with their chrostmas areangements?

Original poster
Littlebear88 · 25/11/2013 20:54

Roorootatoot- sounds like a goo idea I may suggest to DH we just rearrange for Boxing Day!

OP posts: