To ask more money from my new partner?

[diva26]

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

• my new partner earns about double as much as me
• because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
• he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
• if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
• he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
• he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
• I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
• he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

It is very forward-thinking to turn a relationship into a profit centre.

"thanks springytickly, this sums up perfectly what I am feeling. He lives in a large beautiful house, tastefully decorated, with garden, in a good area of London, he has a car, a shed for his bike, a big TV. Plus, he has a housemaid, a gardener, cleaner, handyman, and a lover" etc etc

Wow! I have asked it twice, but this time I am simply going to state it. You really do not like this man, OP. That was verging on the vitriolic. This relationship sounds in serious trouble.
Actually, I take that back, It doesn't actually sound like a relationship in the first place.

Then going on to read
"Am I running a hotel??! If he would rent or pay a mortgage, would the landlord/bank say, this months you have to pay only half because you traveled so much??"

Unfortunately you now sound not only greedy, but really rather nasty.

He should go. It sounds as if he is not wanted (in your beautiful tastefully decorated house) and it certainly doesn't sound as if he's loved.

Perhaps you aren't loved either. Perhaps that's part of the problem.

How long have you known this man? How long has he lived with you? Did you loose part of your income as a result of him moving in (for example, tax credits)?

YABU, he should not be paying half the costs of running the house because:
a\ Your direct family members are 4/5th of those benefiting from the household, he should therefore pay 1/5th
b\ Whose to say he wants your mum washing his smalls!! for goodness sake woman, he's a grown man who can work a washing machine
c\ How much does your ex p pay to support your household?

Please moan at his family about how unreasonable he is being, they will hopefully help him see sense so he leaves you & finds someone who loves him.

If you want to save more money, get a better job & stop being so entitled.

He isn't her partner, he's her lover. It is irrelevant who is living there, he should pay the going rate for a room/house/exceptional services - which would be a large amount. If OP, as the owner, wants to charge others living in the house a different rate, that's her choice - and none of his business.

If he wants to get a mon-fri then let him - and he can pay for it. If he wants to get his own apartment then let him - and he can pay for it. If he lives in OP's exceptional house, he can pay for it.

As for money - let's see: 6 rooms/use of exceptional house/exceptional services in prime north london. You'd make a mint OP.

You could save then OP and pay to get it done up

He has half a bedroom and a one fifth share in all the other rooms, springy.

I think that he is paying more than enough. He may not pay any rent but he is paying half the household living costs despite being only one fifth of the household.

I don't think he benefits much from the fact that your mother "runs the household". Surely most of the work comes from looking after your children? He can't generate much work, particularly if he is often away.

And what is the going rate for all those exceptional services? Perhaps the OP could advertise on the internet to see how many people would line up to take the role? I don't know what you are on springy, but it must be good!

Do you charge an hourly rate in your tastefully decorated house, or a nightly rate?

Tell him you have calculated that he is paying £23 per night, and that most hotels in London would charge at least £100 per night, and he is getting a bargain considering that he has breakfast and dinner, and any snack he wants, including a laundry service.

You can charge for sex too if you want.

You can perhaps get a bike storage quite from Store It All.

Only posting this as you seem to have put your business head on and you appear to be viewing this purely from a transnational perspective.

If I was in a relationship with someone who lived in a wealthy part of my city and they asked me to move in to their large house and then tried to charge me market rent, I'd probably move out to somewhere less expensive. You need to be straight with him OP and find the lodgers you are obviously looking for.

I think the OP should kick him out and turn one of the rooms in her rambling old Edwardian house into a sex dungeon and then she can fulfil her desires by charging men to be subjected to the humiliation of having their smalls washed by her mother whilst telling them what useless pieces of shit they are and slating them on the internet, them chuck in a bit of sex for good measure.
Masochism is good business apparently.

I doubt this would have been an issue if he hadn't been such a cheapskate at the beginning. You sound like a warm, generous sort. He took advantage of that by the sound of it.

If... they asked me to move in to their large house and then tried to charge me market rent, I'd probably move out to somewhere less expensive

I think the point here is that he wouldn't be able to find accommodation in London that is anywhere near as cheap; certainly not in that area. Even a grotty place would be more expensive than £700pm (and that would be just the rent: he's have to find £ for food, utilities etc).

Are you being sarcastic springy?!

If you haven't been together long and both have children of your own, I think it's fair enough to keep finances separate

I think a fair arrangement would be for him to pay something for his accommodation and his fair share of bills. In your case, he's currently paying more than his fair share of bills, so you might gain with one hand and lose with the other

which bit?

If you mean generous sort - no, I am not. (neither am I about rentals in north london for £700pm, if that's what you mean). OP lives in an enormous rambling house; neighbours, friends etc regularly gather around the table, are welcome for meals. It's a certain type that regularly feeds people ie a generous type.

You didn't answer the q about why he moved in so quickly when you clearly weren't ready . Perhaps , being an open-hearted, generous sort you took pity/thought it would be a good idea/didn't think it through - and then there he was rubbing his hands together/couldn't believe his luck

I'm wondering if perhaps you're now thinking 'HANG ON, THIS DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT' but you can't sort out why. But you can't get out of your guts that it isn't right. So you ask on MN - and are told you are a greedy cow/get a right pasting.

But you still can't get it out of your guts that something isn't right. As I have probably laboured a lot: he moved in to your lovely, warm, expansive/expensive house; gave you the speech about 'friends and relatives shouldn't pay rent' (HA HA YOU HAVE TO LAFF) and you said 'of course!' because you are a generous/everyone-in-together sort.

Perhaps you think everyone is like you... only he's taking the piss - and the alarm in your gut is going off like crazy...

Warm food? That sounds v unappetising.

I agree with your latest post,springy.

OP sounds like you feel taken advantage of and are sick of it. It also sounds like you could benefit from this TED talk on sliding vs deciding m.youtube.com/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM&desktop_uri=/watch?v=YUqfLSBUDmM (long but worth it). If you don't like/love the guy ditch him and you'll stand a much better chance of finding someone who does knock your socks off.

Taking advantage how exactly.
He pays £700 plus the cost of them going out.
She pays £700 plus the cost of a tiny mortgage.

How exactly is he taking advantage?
Or do you expect that he should pay £1400, the mortgage and the cost of them going out and she should pay zero because he earns more.
Beating in mind that she brings 4 people to the relationship and he only brings himself.
Also bear in mind that the OP isn't helping to pay for the flat that her partner has to keep so he can see his children.
Would it be fair if he paid half of everything at her place and she paid half of the costs for his flat? Maybe that's what they should agree to do.
His total essential overheads sound like they far exceed hers.

The OPs real gripe is that her partner earns much more and can therefore save much more. She doesn't take into account that he has much larger overheads than her too.
Total greed.

"OP lives in an enormous rambling house"

Or a falling down heap depending on which post you favour.

"neighbours, friends etc regularly gather around the table, are welcome for meals. It's a certain type that regularly feeds people ie a generous type."

As she did this before the "DP" moved in he is also paying towards the cost of this part of her social life.

The fact that he thinks friends and relatives shouldn't pay rent is very telling. I agree with spring - change it around, total running costs for house £1400 assume 2 kids equal one adult, he should go halfers on mothers share as she provides him with domestic services - so he should pay 3/8 she should pay 5/8 of monthly bills and then he should pay rent - did someone mention £800 down thread. He does not pay for the kid's maintenance does he?. So I think he should pay £525 contribution to household costs and £800 rent. It's the beginning of a negotiation anyway. Forget him paying for nights out - go Dutch, you'll be better off. Better still just end the relationship is sounds like it has run it's course.

"OP lives in an enormous rambling house"

Or a falling down heap depending on which post you favour

don't be obtuse boney. They're the same thing.

might there be a bit of envy going on on MN?? OP has inherited a huge house in leafy north london; her domestic get-up is to die for (re live-in housekeeper mother). She's brayed at for being 'greedy' for not wanting to share her considerable good fortune with a goldigger poor man who has mouths to feed elsewhere.

Incidentally, OP, what are your mortgage costs? - ball park

So I think he should pay £525 contribution to household costs and £800 rent.

And how much should the OP contribute as based on your figures her total contribution could well be very little as she says her mortgage is very tiny.

I thought the point in living with somebody was that you wanted to share your life with them. I didn't realise that the real purpose was getting them to pay for everything and making a profit out of their existence in your house. Mumsnet has now put me straight

I think the point is he is currently making a profit out of her by living rent free.