To ask more money from my new partner?

[diva26]

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

• my new partner earns about double as much as me
• because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
• he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
• if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
• he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
• he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
• I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
• he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

Yuck. That post from springy is just skin crawling. Op what would you do if he was made redundant and needed help from you financially? Or even emotional support while he got back on his feet? He'd have no chance would he?

Spot on YouMan. Nowhere to live, savings dwindling, when its put like that it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

only a half step up from prostitution.

hahahahaha

Theres no such thing as a free lunch. If he'd paid his way at the start that could well have put a different slant on this. If he is well-off he knows full well the going rate; but he swanned in, lodging his cock, thinking he could get by with taking the piss. Somehow this has become the OP's problem, the one who is mean/greedy - when it's more likely her gut knows he took the piss - and, imo, continues to take the piss.

We all have to pay for housing. He happens to have landed a stunning deal, he can't swim along on OP's considerable set-up without appropriately paying his way. And then some.

Why should he pay his way and then some? He IS paying his way by giving £700 a month and he is subsidising her kids and mother, whether she washes his smalls or not!

He may have not sufficiently paid his way to start with but that's irrelevant as it has been sorted out now and he pays more than enough IMO if they are keeping finances separate.

Its OP who wants to keep it separate whilst also wanting him to give her more money simply because he has more disposable income than she does. But that's having her cake and eating it!

thanks springytickly, this sums up perfectly what I am feeling. He lives in a large beautiful house, tastefully decorated, with garden, in a good area of London, he has a car, a shed for his bike, a big TV. Plus, he has a housemaid, a gardener, cleaner, handyman, and a lover. No house or car related admin to do. He comes home, warm meal on the table, then he can relax, and ask himself the question why I always seem so busy and won't come and help him relax!!

OK, there are kids, but they are not often there when he is there, and a mother in law, but she lives two floors down so can be avoided, and there is the issue that he can't have sex on the kitchen table. All that for £700. Is that a bad deal??!!

Now you are suggesting he is subsidizing me, I am exploiting him, I am only after his money! Ehhh? I don't get it!!

You say he should only pay for the costs he causes me. Am I running a hotel??! If he would rent or pay a mortgage, would the landlord/bank say, this months you have to pay only half because you travelled so much??

You obviously live on a different planet to me. When talking about my dp and what each of us bring to the relationship money is not considered! You're in an extremely privalaged situation and you really cant see it! More fool him tbh.

I'm sorry but I just can't get on board with your line of thinking. He pays half of the living costs, he's not there half the time and he contributes financially when out and about. What you think the experience is worth is by-the-by. Yes you live in a lovely area but you don't carry any additional costs for doing so. You don't want him to have a financial stake is the house (which I understand) but also want more from him so you can 'profit' more from his living there.

Out of interest, how much do you think your 'girlfriend experience' is worth?

So is it "a large beautiful house, tastefully decorated, with garden, in a good area of London" or a "big pile of Edwardian rubble that needs constant work and is ridiculously overvalued"? It seems to vary quite considerably, depending on whether it's his perk or your asset.

The current situation is fair; he pays his way. I think the bottom line is that you resent him, and nothing anyone here says is going to change that.

Why did you even post?

AIBU?
Yes x a million
NO I'M NOT.

Er, ok then.

How would you cover your costs if he left?

So he PAYS for a lover....?

Actually I quite admire you OP. You have an unwavering sense of self importance. Quite telling that you include yourself in his list of 'staff' though. You are expecting what the americans call alimony without actually going to the trouble of getting married and then divorced. If you can get it and he's daft enough to indulge you then more power to you.

OP presumably you get something out of the relationship too? What monetary value would you give that? I have to admit from your posts here you don't appear to think you get any benefits in which case the question is what do you even have your DP living in your home - in fact why are you even going out with him?

Anyway as the money side seems to be really bugging you (and I get that I have been in a position where I felt financially leaned on) I think that the only way you are going to be able to resolve this is to spreadsheet it all out. But so long as you decide to be uncommitted you can only do that from the perspective of your household costs, not your/his income.

So figure out exactly what is spent in an average month, attribute it to the relevant parties and divide by share. Then you can judge whether 700 pounds is a reasonable amount or not. You will also be in a much better position to make savings.

I'd also look at whether you want this man in your life and your home, if you still really feel he is taking advantage of you then you should probably break up now rather than getting more and more resentful.

Why so you have so much to do in the evenings if your mum runs the house as her contribution? If she actually isn't running the house then he is actually just supporting her by paying half the bills isn't he? And in fact he just doesn't help with the chores which is quite separate from not paying his way IMO.

You say he should only pay for the costs he causes me. Am I running a hotel??!

He is paying more than the costs he causes you.

I think financially he's getting a great deal, living rent free in London is not insignificant. But money and relationships are tricky especially with in laws and step kids hanging around.
I think the key is that you feel that he isn't paying his fair share and you must have realised through this thread that you feel quite strongly about this, you need to talk about this with him....doesn't matter what people say on here, you two need to agree a fair way forward. There are many things worth fighting about, money should never be one of them...if you can't reach an amicable agreement the tension will be likely to destroy your relationship.

He's not paying for a lover, he's paying for ACCOMMODATION. Or should be. He knows full way accommmodation doesn't come cheap, for any of us. Yet he thinks he can somehow have a kind of deal because hes shagging the landlady and goes away a lot. Its irrelevant who is living there eg your children, your mother: he should be paying for what he has.

Landlady, your gut is telling you this isn't right. As it happens, I've been a landlady for over 10 years. I know the going rate. So does he. So do you, in your gut!

Friends and relatives shouldn't charge rent indeed . I think the majority of posters are mixing this up with him being your lover which you made a mistake of mentioning in your calculations - which shows your confusion about this imo . No wonder he blubbed when you chucked him out - he is on to a stupendous deal!

He's taking the piss. What we're talking about here is RENT: this is clearly what you want, everything points to it. But he's pulled the wool over your eyes on the rent q. It is rent you want, you happen to be shagging him on the side, is all. You're not prepared to commit - and neither would I if someone shacked up in my lovely/rambling/north london/edwardian/ramshackle house and said 'Friends and relatives shouldn't pay rent' and tried to get away with paying shit. Fuck off, mate.

He isn't paying for accommodation he is allegedly the DP of the OP.

Frankly it sounds like the OP wants a lodger with benefits.

and Sprinkly if the OP wants rent then she should ask for that and no more. in fact if she is asking for rent he should negotiate it as a house share and would probably pay less.

But the OP isn't his landlady! What a very peculiar way to think about your partner. If the OP wants a lodger she should kick out her partner and instead advertise for a lodger at the going rate with a standard contract with no extras thrown in.

Personally I think it's always very difficult setting things up fairly when one person moves into another's home because it's not an equal playing field, the investments (emotional and financial) are very different.

However that doesn't mean that a relationship where one party thinks the other owes them works very well. There are many ways to address the OP's situation but treating her partner as a lodger really isn't one of them.

In the interests of comparators, here is a house sharing site in what looks like the OP's bit of London. Looks like something in the region of 200 pounds a week is about average, so not massively different. Obviously the OP has thrown some other things into the deal, but then they may or may not be things the partner values.

All that for £700. Is that a bad deal??!!

Depends how much you contribute each month. Your half is £700 presumably plus a tiny (in your words) mortgage. His half is £700, plus the cost of your 'date nights /leisure time'.
I really don't think (given the cost of socialising in London) that the two of you are contributing a vastly different amount. But he is also paying for his own children elsewhere and some of the overheads related to your children.
You are making the man out to be a financial miser, but in reality the problem is that he has money to save and you don't. But you have the house (you keep omitting that point). He earns more so even if you calculated a 50/50 share down to the last penny he would still have more left over to save.

Please explain to me: are you with this man because it makes things financially easier for you (despite your constant denial of that fact) or are you with him because you love him and really want to be with him.
I'm guessing it's the latter because all this resentment about him having Money left to save despite contributing fairly from a financial point of view is rather telling.
What do you want - to swap salaries with him, for him to pay all of the bills because then you will have an equal amount of disposable income? What exactly do you want?

Oh, and any rent money should have tax paid on it, so the money in hand would be less than that.

I've always earned more than my dh. Our current arrangement is that we both pay roughly the same amount in costs but I save more for rainy day costs. We both have personal savings too. No joint accounts because we have had huge issues about money in the past and this way keeps things clean and accountabilities clear.

Why is he sitting down and relaxing when you are still running around?

If he wasn't with you, OP, I doubt very much if he'd be going for a share of a huge and lovely house - given he has a house elsewhere and is away a lot, he might go for a mon-fri let and go to his other place for weekends. The only reason he's in your house is because you live there and he wants to be with you!

nooka

I doubt that the OP is too bothered about tax as she would probably charge her "DP" extra to cover that, as she doen't see why she should subsidize him.

If he had agreed to pay the £700 from the beginning without you having to fight for it, kick him out and let him come back,etc then I'd have more sympathy for the guy. As it is, he sounds like a cheapskate and if he didn't live there then you could get a lodger who would pay more so he's costing you money in terms of opportunity costs.

Maybe the thing to do would be to live separately but continue the relationship. That way you'd both be clear - he's not with you for the lodging and you're not with him for the money. Meanwhile when he moves out get a lodger so you can save.

My husband earns less than half what I do, and we put everything into a big pot when we get paid and there is no mine or his. But we're committed 100% which it doesn't sound like you and this man are. Do you really and truly love him? My guess based on some of the things you've said is that you don't.