To ask more money from my new partner?

[diva26]

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

• my new partner earns about double as much as me
• because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
• he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
• if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
• he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
• he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
• I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
• he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

yabu. In this scenario, paying half the bills sounds perfectly fair.

But I find it is fair that my mum does not pay, she is running the household and we all know how much work that is.

Is it?

You have school aged children and laundry/cooking/shopping etc has never been easier than it is today what with all the mod cons.

Fair enough if you want to pay her so handsomely for doing these things, but unless your house is the size of Buckingham Palace, she's basically just pulling her weight a bit more than you and your DP surely?

well if the mum is running the home, that is like a live-in housekeeper, so would people think it was a fair suggestion that such a person would be unpaid?

it sounds like you are subsidising your mum. is she retired?

Your mum should be paying something, even if it's just for the food she eats. Even if she does her bit around the house, presumably she still takes up a room which you otherwise wouldn't need and uses fuel and food as she's at home most of the day. I appreciate she is doing you a favour but even if she didn't live with you, she'd still have to cook and do laundry and would have to pay for her keep on top of that.

Your DP is contributing to two households which includes paying towards your DCs and your mum. I think him paying half is fairly generous and any more than that could cause resentment and bad feeling towards your mum and DCs.

The flat that he rents for his children is in another country. If he would not live with me, he would have to rent two flats, one abroad, one here in the UK. We covered expenses before, but it was ASDA instead of Waitrose, so our living standard rose generally. In his previous relationship he was not used to do housework, so this is a battle lost making him do that now. Better arrangement is he pays for it, and he agrees.

if OP's mum does school run and holiday childcare as well as housework, that seems a fair trade off in terms of her household expenses being subbed by OP.

I think your mum has the best deal here!

How can you expect your partner to cough up more, when he is already financing half of the overall costs of supporting your mum and your children.

He earns double what you do but is financing you, your mum, your children as well his himself and his own children.

How come you can't save? Surely you are significantly better off than you were before your DP moved in, given that he is subsidising the rest of your family?

Paying half the bills is more than fair considering that means he's paying half your mum's share as well as his own, plus if he regularly travels for work and to visit his kids his usage of the utilities should be quite a bit lower than yours anyway. If you were willing to give him a financial stake in the house (which I'm not recommending just to be clear), then that would be different.

He's an adult, presumably capable of taking care of himself, but it seems he's gotten himself a live in housekeeper whether he really wants one or not, so frankly I think he's being quite generous in subsidizing your mum. She's the one getting a great deal here.

FWIW even if this person was paying towards the mortgage, it wouldn't mean he had a stake in your property. He'd have the same status as a lodger.

if OP's mum does school run and holiday childcare as well as housework, that seems a fair trade off in terms of her household expenses being subbed by OP.

Yeah but to not have to pay for...

Rent
Food
Gas
Electric
Telephone/internet
Council tax
Household maintenance
Water rates

And any other expenses I might have left off that list, is massively generous imo.

my mum is indeed a live in housekeeper and nanny, and this is very comfortable for all of us. She thinks a grandma should not get paid for this and wants to contribute financially, but I do not let her because I think she should get reimbursed for her work somehow. She is divorced and gets low maintenance, and she has never worked.

I'd never shack up with a bloke who wasn't happy to do his share of the housework to be honest.

if OP's mum does school run and holiday childcare as well as housework, that seems a fair trade off in terms of her household expenses being subbed by OP.

But the children are the OPs, not her partners (I think) so whatever childcare or school runs the mother does is not benefitting the OP's partner.

Really we could argue that the OPs partner is one of only five people living in the household (including the children) so he should pay for a fifth of the bills and food and should pay the OPs mother for an hour a day to cover his share of the cooking and cleaning that she is doing.
OP - why have you swapped to shopping at waitrose instead of asda? It sounds like you want to live a different lifestyle now that you have a new partner, which is quite silly when you could be saving that money instead. If asda was good enough before then surely it's still good enough now?

Funky to be fair even if he wanted to he wouldn't have the opportunity by the sounds of it - having a full time housekeeper would mean there's probably no housework to do!

yes I should probably save. My mum does not do childcare for his children, they live in another country. He does not get that bad a deal, if he would rent a flat on his own he would have expenses at least triple of what he has now, and a much smaller place without garden etc etc. But I start to think that this is irrevelant, the amount he would pay if.

He would be paying triple, but he wouldn't be sharing the space with your mum and children. The children people are referring to your mother looking after and yours, not his, so the free childcare is no benefit to him (have I misunderstood that you have children?).

If I moved in with a bloke who owned a house I would expect to pay rent. If there was a live in housekeeper who offered to do all cleaning, cooking, shopping, washing to enable me to work full time and then relax when at home rather than do all of that I would expect to pay for the privilege. In fact where do I sign up?

A live-in housekeeper would not only pay no rent, bills, etc but would also receive a wage. The mother sounds like the equivalent of a live-in housekeeper so I think the shocked reactions at her not paying rent are unreasonable.

I think your current arrangement sounds pretty fair. Your house and you don't want him to have a claim on it, so you pay the mortgage. He pays 50% of the bills (which supports all of you as he is not responsible for 50% of the occupants) but in return gets cooking and washing provided by your mother. I'm assuming that she does your cooking and washing/chores too so cooking 1 extra meal and throwing his washing in too isn't much more work for her. Plus you don't say that she isn't happy with this arrangement so sounds like it suits everyone. Especially if you aren't too sure about the future of your relationship, as it would be easy to part ways ATM.

I don't think it would be fair to ask him for more money, he's already paying half when there's only one of him and four of your family, so he is subsidising you a lot!

He's living there rent free though.

No way on earth would I pay towards a mortgage of a house I had no claim in when I was alread paying half of all bills when someone else was paying nothing I actually can't believe anyone would agree to subsidising another grown adult like that.

Also, why does switching from Waitrose to Asda constitute a rise in standard of living? If i had some extra money knocking about id use it for something better than posher and more expensive bacon! An extra day out for the kids or something???