To ask more money from my new partner?

[diva26]

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

• my new partner earns about double as much as me
• because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
• he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
• if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
• he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
• he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
• I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
• he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this tricky issue, I am surprised how diverse your opinions are. There seems a consensus that a partner should pay less than half of the bills if kids/grandma are part of the household, but your opinions are divided on charging rent from a partner, and for rewarding housekeeping services of the grandma.

Reading all your posts, I made up my mind that I don't find it right to ask for rent, and he should pay less than half of the bills but I really think there has to be reward for the services of my mum. Finally, subtract from that sum the inconvenience of no sex on the kitchen table!

So overall, we keep arrangements as they are. But I will discuss with him whether he finds arrangements fair, we did that of course before but I will dig more, and also involve him more in the admin house related tasks so he does not feel like a lodger.

And you don't want my house, it is a big pile of Edwardian rubble that needs constant work and is ridiculously overvalued because it happens to stand in London.

Thanks!!

Umm actually only about 2 people think he should be paying for your Mum. Most people think it's a total piss take.

But he does not have access to live in all the 5 bedrooms, and use all the 3 bathrooms, so what does it matter to him what size the house is and how many bedrooms, when he only shares 1 bedroom (so in fact he has half a bedroom out of the 5).

And as for the 'services' of your Mum. Did you ask him if he wanted to employ her? Or did you tell him this was how it was? I very, very much doubt he thinks it's as great an idea as you do.

I really don't see why there has to be reward from the services of your Mum. Presumably he could get his laundry done cheaper elsewhere, and he's only eating food that would be being cooked anyway.

Any reward for your mother should be paid by you I think, as you are the one presumably enjoying the benefits of a boyfriend, and getting any associated remuneration. Although I would also imagine that your mum knew that was a possibility when she moved in. Really the arrangement between yourself and your mum is between the two of you.

I would expect no mortgage contribution, and you have 5 people in the home it should be split 5 ways as in you paying for you and dcs and your mother paying her way and maybe you should give her a wage.

"and is ridiculously overvalued because it happens to stand in London."

And that's a value you'll do very nicely out of! Seriously, do not have the nerve to complain about how much your pile is worth.

Not sure I can feel that sorry for a woman in a 5 bed home in Maida Vale/St Johns Wood with only a small mortgage, who has a full time job, a live in free help, and a boyfriend who hands over £700 per month for his food and bills, in addition to paying the ops way when they are out.

YABVU, he is paying half so technically subbing your children and your mother.

Running a house takes a little housework and a few mins to pay bills, most people work full time and do that!

Does your mum work outside the house, or is she the housekeeper / nanny. If she works why is she not contributing? does she have a property she is renting out (ie is she saving money by the arrangement or does she have no money at all? If she doesn't work then suppose she can't afford to. If she is renting out a property or is working then I think its her that should be contributing.

re: Your partner. Could he live in the flat he is maintaining? If he could well I think you have a great deal that he is paying half the bills, as he could move into the flat and you'd have to pay the bills yourself.

If he couldn't live in the flat so would have to rent then I think would be totally reasonable to ask him for rent, say equiv to renting a room in a house in the area.

I am intrigued by the comments about the OP's mum. She is taking the role of a SAHM. If you think of her as a SAHM, I don't think there would be calls for her to "contribute".

OP - are you sure that your DP wouldn't have a claim on your house if you split up? I think it isn't necessarily as simple as not charging rent to ensure that a live in partner has no claim on your property.

I think he should pay you rent. Not money towards your mortgage. Just rent to the house owner. A small amount but enough to give you some cash.

I think he has a very easy life. Chores done by mil, half the cost if living and saving to boot.

She might be taking the role of a SAHM, but she's doing that for her own daughter, not her daughters boyfriend who barely even sees the children.

Men who don't have children have no need of a SAHM.

If the OP wants to put her mum in the role of SAHM, then she gets the privilege if paying for it.

It really doesn't sound as if you like him very much, OP.

I get the impression this relationship is foundering, anyway. Are there perhaps deeper issues here?

WooWooOwl - I agree to a certain extent that he doesn't need a SAHM, except that he apparently has no interest in housework or cooking more than 1 meal a week. If he lived alone he might employ a cleaner to to do the cleaning, washing and ironing and live off take-aways. All of that would have a cost. So while he doesn't need as SAHM, he is certainly using the OP's mum as a cook/housekeeper and should contribute in some way towards that.

What I really object to is the posters suggesting that the OP's mum should herself make a monetary contribution to the household, whereas SAHMs are not expected to do so.

I'm really surprised at the majority of answers to this thread ie that you are money-grabbing, greedy, whatever. I don't think you are at all.

I think he lives in palatial splendour (well, relatively) and he should pay for it. I don't like the partners and friends should not charge rent from each other at all, but you say you agree with him.

Is his contribution ad hoc or does he hand over £700pm, each month? I wouldnt like the former (confusing) but if the latter, then perhaps you need to do some sums, jig things about a bit, look more closely at outgoings, factor in rent (of course he should pay rent! It is irrelevant that the house was inherited, it is nonetheless prime residential property in a prime area). Perhaps it's clarity that is missing and you feel uncomfortable that you're not quite sure what is going on. Once youve done all the calculating, it may come to a similar sum to what he's already paying but at least you'd feel he was paying rent. But you say you agree that he shouldn't have to pay rent... yet you seem to want him to pay the going rate, which would be rent

I think the arrangement is extremely beneficial to all of you: your mother doesn't contribute financially because she is already contributing with the work she does (and on that I would say: she is a perk that comes with the territory, so he should 'pay' for her contribution; just as if he rented a place with a concierge eg); he has a jolly easy ride, gets everything done for him and contributes at a cut price, all considering, you have an extra contributor in the household, your mum is doing all your domestic work. It is a very good, and cheap, deal for all of you.

imo it is irrelevant that he has expenses elsewhere. But it sounds like you aren't ready to include him in what you have built up (ie your life lol!). You don't want him to get the same perks, you want him separate. Which means you want him to pay the going rate and not get an/your easy ride. Which is fair enough imo.

You moved in together quickly. What's that about?

Did your feelings turn when he said the partners/friends/rent thing?

mine would

I would be very worried, OP, that your partner may have claim on your home, and am concerned, that you did not discuss finances in great detail before he moved in. Surely you both knew how matters stood, wrt to your income, his, each other's obligations and your mother before he moved in, no?

If you are disatisfied with how finances stand now, you should probably first see a solicitor about the potential for your partner to lay clAm on the home and go from there.

I'm with BreatheSlowly. Of course your Mum shouldn't pay to look after you all.

I think there is quite a lot of jealously on here too.

If he wasn't paying much he would be derided for being a cocklodger.

Also, as has already been mentioned, don't let him be in a position of having a claim to part of your house.

I think the balance is fine.

I disagree with all the posters who suggest your mum should pay. Id never ask for rent off my mother! to think how much she and my father supported me during their working lives. It's quite right we should return the favour when we're able to earn and they aren't
Plus your mum has offered to contribute so she's not taking advantage of you by any stretch

If my relationship came with a MIL as part if the package you'd have to pay me to be there, no matter how much ironing she was doing!

I think if it was just me i wouldnt charge mother but your dp is subbing a woman who he owes nothing to, they are your children she helps out with not his.

I think lots and lots of people on here are talking as if your P is your flatmate and not your chosen partner. Comments re access to rooms etc are just ridiculous.

Which is a little . I'd disregard those comments entirely as they aren't grasping the situation fully.

The OPs mother is not just looking after her children though. Shes cleaning and cooking for him too. And washing his clothes!