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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask more money from my new partner?

244 replies

diva26 · 25/11/2013 09:44

Hi mumsnetters,

please help me with a trickly money issue, I need opinions!!

I am divorced (amicably) with two schoolage boys. I work full time in a demanding job that I love, but I don't earn an excessive salary. I inherited my house, and have a low mortgage. I have a new partner and he is living with us. My mum is living with me and is effectively running the household for us all. Sounds all great, I know.

My new partner is paying half the monthly costs of running our household (excluding the mortgage), and contributes with a bit of DIY and cooks one meal Sunday evening (he is not a natural talent for either tasks I have to say). I pay the other half, my mum pays nothing which is more than fair because she is runnning the place. I am not a money oriented person, and I have never argued about money not even with my ex-husband, but I keep wondering whether this arrangement is fair.

Here an incoherent list of facts and points to consider:

  • my new partner earns about double as much as me
  • because his monthly costs are so low, he can save money. I cannot.
  • he has a flat to maintain for his children from his first marriage, and has to travel home regularly to see them
  • if he rented somewhere, his costs would be at least double of what he pays now, and for a much smaller place
  • he thinks that partners and friends should not charge rent from each other, and I agree with him on that one
  • he pays more often than me for going out, concerts, etc
  • I fear this is a bad deal for my mum, because she is effectively cooking and washing laundry for him.
  • he is often away travelling for work

Should he pay more than half the monthly running costs?? I truly do not know the answer, and would really like to hear your opinions.

xxx

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 25/11/2013 14:49

you truly do know the answer, he gets paid more than me so should pay more - playing the silly little girl wont cut it... i think hes paying too much already however he obviously feels OK with that. you should be charging your moher to live there and if you dont feel you can you should be paying her share not him.

if you charge him rent are you going to declare this income and pay tax on it?

Original poster
diva26 · 25/11/2013 19:09

Thanks for your frank comments, but I don't think he gets such a bad deal. In fact, a friend of mine thinks that I am the one being exploited (I do not agree with that either) and that he lives with me because it gives him the possibility to save money. If he rented his own place here in North London, he would spend at least £2000 per month, including bills and groceries, maybe more. Now, he spends less than 700. He lives in a house that would rent for over 3500, and yes, he shares but we have 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, two living rooms and a large garden, and a car. He gets warm food on the table, he has no shopping to do, no admin related to the house and little general tasks of managing a house such as organizing repairs to boilers etc etc, most taken care of by me or my mother. He essentially lives here like in a hotel, with some valuable additional services of course Grin. He hardly sees my kids because during the week he leaves early and arrives when it is close to bedtime. I swap weekends with my ex, and he is only here on the weekends the kids are with me (on the others he is with his kids).

I agree in principle with previous comments that when you move together, then you put both incomes in a joint pot and pay all expenses from that. Problem is I am reluctant to commit to joining finances. I don't want him to subsidize me, my mum or my kids, despite his higher income, but I do not want to subsidize him or his previous family either.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 25/11/2013 19:21

much as you keep posting that he would have to pay this, that and the other, if he is paying half of everything except the mortgage you must be better off as well.

zzzzz · 25/11/2013 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouiseAderyn · 25/11/2013 19:31

The thing is though, that unless you are prepared to commit totally and share all finances - his higher wage and your house, then he isgoing to have more money than you. This is simply because he earns more.

As things stand, he has as higher disposable income, but you have a house. Swings and roundabouts.

You are not subsidising his first family because the cost is not coming out of your pocket in any way shspevor form. Sounds to me a bit like you resent him having any money to support his kids and think it should all be going to you, but you are reluctant to share your own assets so have no claim on his!

Spatsky · 25/11/2013 19:37

Neither of you sound terribly committed (based purely on the posts on this thread) so it probably would be smart to calculate everything meticulously and make sure everyone is just paying for themselves - make life easier if you break up in the future.

Ms23 · 25/11/2013 19:40

Partners and friends shouldn't charge each other rent? eh?! I pay rent in a house which my friend owns - should I tell her that I'm just going to stop paying even though she is doing me a favour because I wouldn't be able to afford living on my own?

Can't you charge him a set sum a month? Basically rent but with all bills and your mother's cleaning etc included.

OttilieKnackered · 25/11/2013 19:45

Agree with the chorus of YABUs. As someone else said, you're very keen to tell us what a good deal he's getting, but actually you're getting your living costs halved as well.

And your living costs include those of your children and by your choice, your mother. It may cost him more to rent himself but he wouldn't have the responsibility and possibly inconvenience of living with your two children and your mother. Remember that they are your family, but they are not his.

By your own admission you inherited the house, which must be worth a fortune, so it's not like he's living off the profits of your hard work, is it?

Flibbertyjibbet · 25/11/2013 19:52

So he gives you £700 a month.. if we take out food and utilities of £300 per month you are £400 per month better off because he lives with you. But you are no better off because you've upgraded from asda to waitrose??

You must have been managing before, so why can't you now save the £450 per month?

Please stop going on about how much he would have to spend if he did not live with you. Are you trying to say you think he should give you the £2000 he'd have to spend if he rented somewhere else? Who cares how many rooms your house has etc. The fact is that under this arrangement, BOTH of you are better off. If he DID move out to rent somewhere else, YOU would be worse off too!

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 19:53

Isn't OP's mother more like a SAHP than a housekeeper?

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 19:58

He is subsidising your mum and kids, though, by paying half the bills, rather than only his "share"

If he paid his actual share ie one fifth of the bills, plus rent equivalent to a shared room in a shared house, would the amount be that different?

TheDoctrineOfWho · 25/11/2013 20:00

I think if you were agreeing to have a combined budget, give him part ownership of the house etc, that would be different.

But if he's buying posh food you can't really afford and expecting to split the cost, alternate paying for shopping and you get yours from Asda!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/11/2013 20:01

My MIL is lovely. She also used to be a professional cook.

However even if she did all the cooking, cleaning etc I wouldn't want to live with her.

So be careful saying how marvellous it is for hm having her in your house. To me being able to walk around in my pants and have sex on the kitchen table are worth doing the washing up for.

alemci · 25/11/2013 20:05

the more I hear about this, the more I think you don't appreciate him. you sound like you are comparatively well off compared to most joe averages.

you could always downsize your property. you seem very mercenary and its all about you.

Me2Me2 · 25/11/2013 20:05

He pays his fair share IMO. If the relationship lasts it will be irrelevant whose is what, and if it doesn't he doesn't have a stake in your property (he wouldn't legally I'm pretty sure, but it might make things awkward if you did split one day).

Hassled · 25/11/2013 20:10

I suspect you're bang on the nail when you suggested you were only pondering all this because of other relationship niggles. I think if you were happily loved up this would be a non-issue.

You can't reasonably ask for more rent, though.

Moreisnnogedag · 25/11/2013 20:11

mum Grin remind me not to pop over announced!

Op I think you get it that a lot of people think he is paying his way. Is he pushing to contribute to the mortgage? I'd be very reluctant for that to happen unless you had the means to pay him back if things went south as it would be terrible to be forced to sell.

Plus I want your house.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter · 25/11/2013 20:13

You have said that you think it's unreasonable to ask him for more money so why are you even posing the question?

paxtecum · 25/11/2013 20:20

If the DM was an au pair she would be getting £85 pw too, so no, DM shouldn't be paying to live there.,

SeaSickSal · 25/11/2013 20:37

If he had his own flat a large proportion of what he paid would be going on a mortgage which would give him a tangible assets he could sell on.

If he moved out you'd be screwed. Your running costs would remain pretty much exactly the same but you would simply have to meet pretty much double the same outgoings.

If you say to him that if he was paying a mortgage he would have bigger expenses so therefore he should give this money to you - well unless he was a complete mug he would logically that if he was going to pay out the money anyway he might as well end up with an asset and but his own place. I bet you won't be letting your mother have a free ride if that happens!

Your friend is wrong. You can't compare him paying off his own mortgage with handing the same amount of money over to you for no return.

Living in a big house with a garden is not a perk to him - it's a necessity for you because of your large family. Why should he pay for bedrooms which are occupied by your family?

WooWooOwl · 25/11/2013 20:45

The arrangement you have is equally fair to both of you, and especially your Mum!

flowery · 25/11/2013 21:01

Seems bizarre to me to feel committed enough to move a new partner in with your children but not to feel committed enough to want to share finances with him.

nooka · 25/11/2013 21:21

The appropriate cost comparator would probably be a house share plus 1/5 of the cost of a cleaner and more takeaways/ready meals. I suspect that would cost somewhat less than 2K a month. It's still probably not a very similar situation though. Looking at your other points

Essentially your partner can save because he earns significantly more money than you do.
He is only with you on a part time basis, so presumably doesn't create that much extra work for your mum, but yes it is more work for no reward unless you are passing some of the money he is giving you to her. If he is a mucky pup and taking advantage then that's another issue entirely.
As others have said you should be able to make some savings now as you have more cash coming into your household. Your partner presumably doesn't cost you 700 pounds a month?

cantheyseeme · 25/11/2013 21:24

He pays more than enough considering your mother and your kids live there!

LessMissAbs · 25/11/2013 21:25

If he rented his own place here in North London, he would spend at least £2000 per month, including bills and groceries, maybe more. Now, he spends less than 700. He lives in a house that would rent for over 3500, and yes, he shares but we have 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, two living rooms and a large garden, and a car

Not if he rented a shared bedroom in a house shared by 6 other people!

This is a really strange thread. I cant believe there are men who would put up with this arrangement, never mind being asked to pay more than half the cost of it.

Even the justification that the OP gives - that he earns double what she does, pales when compared with her inheriting the house (which she also has a mortgage on?). You could equally make a case for saying the OP should let him stay for free, because she hasn't worked to get that house maybe that's where her attitude comes from

And why does the OP keep going on about the services her mother is providing? Who on earth wants to live with their partner's mother?

OP - maybe you should offer serviced rooms for rent, as nowhere in your posts do you mention anything about your DP other than money and how much he earns, and how much more of his salary you would like than you are currently getting.