To expect my boyfriend to realise his wife is a gold digger and vindictive person?

[NMC89]

Background: my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, having been friends for some time before that. We have a large age difference but have an incredible bond and are best friends. He has been separated from his wife for 4 years but they still live in the same house (they don't have sex). I live in London and she lives in Italy - he commutes, spending the week with me in the UK and the weekends with his children.

She has had multiple affairs openly and manipulates him unbearably (she has threatened to stop him seeing his children). He financially supports her (as well as her sister and brother). I find her behaviour disgusting, she only speaks to him when she wants money or a new car and refuses to do anything for him or the household (she is a sahm) - including disciplining the children, cooking, cleaning or food shopping. He does all these when he gets back after a week working in the UK. I try hard not to constantly be horrible about her, but it is hard to see the man I love being taken advantage of so viciously. I know they are not going to divorce (for the sake of their children) but I really can't see how this is a good alternative. He admits that she is awful and has got very angry about some of the things she has done (notably bringing her boyfriend to their family home to spend the night when his children were there), but he is incapable of doing anything about it and has aided her boyfriend's business and bought her property. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to tell her about me, stand up for himself and stop being a coward as well as getting divorce proceedings under way?

So you're early 20s with an old sugar daddy,who's got a wife
He really has done a number on you,it's lying by cliche,together for the kids...lame
Go date some guys your own age,stop wasting time around a married man

Your friends pointed you here so you can hear what they've been trying to tell you for years.
You are being played.
Get rid, have some respect for yourself.

What ages are the children, OP?

Fundamentally the basis of good relationship is truth
And he's a lying auld shagger
Is that clear enough

OP, friends only point you to MN when they think you are being extremely naive and need someone else to tell you.

Fucking hell OP you could be talking about me and my ExH, only change the country from Italy to France. He lived/worked in the UK in his flat came to our house at weekends and played the doting family man, massive act to anyone who listen including me, oh I would die without Alicia and the DCs. While trotting out the my wife doesn't understand me line to various women in the UK until one fell for it.

He's still married, he's a liar, take it from someone who's been there, bought the t-shirt and is now stuck in a foreign country of her ex-husband's choosing while he lives a lovely single life playing happy families with the OW and her DCs.

He's not your "boyfriend" but he is a liar.

Is anybody else reminded of that bit in When Harry Met Sally

'He just spent $500 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her'

'NOBODY thinks he's ever gonna leave her'

Wise up OP.

The emails were from when they were splitting up and then another reassessing. I understand that I'm young etc but I also know that I am strong-willed, kind and loving and most importantly can look after myself. I understand why he doesn't want to tell her, however hard I find it. If your kids are being threatened with being taken away, I understand why anyone would go to any lengths to stop this happening.

Seeing the responses you are getting here OP, why do you think your real life friends have directed you to MN to seek advice? Think about that carefully.

Your real actual friends know what we would say - have they said it to you too? So you won't believe them and you won't believe us?

As someone else said upthread, you will not get these wonderful years back. Free yourself from this total mess of a relationship. Enjoy your 20's. Find a man who can give you what you want and need, now in real time, not spurious promises of how life might be "in the future"

Wow, is it normal to moan to your ex that you are not having sex together?

She does not regard him her "ex". She would not mention sex if she was....

My 11 year old would see straight through him.

He's a lying toerag and you are the bit on the side. Don't you think you deserve better sweetheart?

Are you liking all the drama,do you find if exciting.or are you really naive
Ok so you can argue with all mn,tell us how we got it wrong,and how you lurrve him
You know on a certain level this isn't right,but seem to be immersed in the lies and drama

Are they actually pretending to the kids that they are still together? You said they would not get divorced for the sake of the kids.

The mind boggles somewhat.

'Emails were from when they were splitting up' so are they officially separated?....Does she know about you.

Being threaded with kids being taken away where?
You say he lives in UK & his kids in Italy. How much further away can he be?

He works in UK. His wife and children - family - live in Italy. He lives in Italy, in the family home with his wife and kids. He commutes to UK for work. Whatever you might have seen in an email, I'd put money on this scenario actually being fact.

I totally agree, but the fundamental point is this: I don't want him to leave her for me. I want him to leave her as they both deserve to be happy and their children deserve some consistency and honesty. Whilst my friends were very sceptical at first (to put it mildly), they now adore him and see how good we are together. They pointed me to mumsnet as a bit of a social experiment regarding perceptions of relationships.

Whilst I am young, I certainly wasn't a teenager when we met!

Have you met any of his friends and family NMC?

Dont you find it odd that she has a boyfriend and hes not allowed to move on and have a girlfriend?

I expect he fell for your razor-sharp intellectual insight and clarity of thought.

Either that or he's a lying, cheating bastard who is stringing along at least one gullible young woman (possibly more) for fun sex while showing no intention of leaving his wife.

I never have any sympathy for the OW, but there is a little bit for you as you genuinely don't seem to believe that you are the OW.

He is having sex with his wife.

He, more than likely, really really loves his wife. If he was going to leave her he would - many men do. However, you are pretty but a bit stupid so he can also have sex with you every now and then and all he has to do is tell some utterly pathetic lies.

Dump him and have some fun.

Dear love ya he's really done a number on you hasn't he?

I feel for your friends though.

When I was your age I also had a friend with a boyfriend. He also had a London pad and went home to his wife and kids for the weekend. He also claimed they were over, and she had numerous public affairs, and they had grown apart, not understood each other for years. Yet, he just COULD not divorce her, what would their kids think. When my friend decided she was wasting her youth on him (he was in his 50s and she early twenties when they met) and tried to break off with him, he was threatening to kill himself, and even got his old demented mum to call my friend and plead with her.

Your boyfriend follow a very old script, I am afraid. Needy little man who needs a young woman to adore him. Cant live on his own, so fills his weeknights with a willing naive woman for some life and excitement.

Is he old enough to be your father

NM I am afraid you probably care a good deal more about his kids than he does.

He seems to manage quite happily not seeing them five days out of seven, what would change if they were divorced? Think about it logically.

He has totally spun you a line. His wife had told him if he finds a girlfriend now they are split up for four years she will, what, kidnap the children and whisk them to outer mongolia?

I think you see yourself as the heroine of some kind of melodrama.

Just remember you cannot rewrite these years. And what a sad fool you are going to feel for throwing your youth, independence, love and innocence away on a lying old git.

At least have some self respect and refuse to see him while he is still married.

yeah yeah, I have also gone for rides in my friends ex boyfriends red convertible, and had him home for tea. Nice chap. But, married and loved his wife deeply!