to want Xmas in my own home?

[sandfish]

Sorry it is about Xmas and a middle class problem. And long.

We have always alternated Xmas between staying at my parents and staying at the in-laws. We have two small children. We live hundreds of miles away from family. All our relatives live in close proximity to each other, in/around the same town. This means when we visit, we get to see them all, which is great. However I mentioned to my DH yesterday that next year I’d really like to stay in our home for Xmas day in future years for various reasons both practical and emotional.

DH surprised and upset me by being adamantly opposed to this idea, that we should continue to take our children to family for the xmas holiday all through their childhood. He feels they would miss out if they didn’t see the wider family on Xmas day.

I would like to just be together with our children on Xmas day, quietly in our own home, and not have to transport toys and take long journeys. I want to develop our own Christmas traditions and ways of doing things, and make some of our own special memories. I want them to be the one who cooks them their Christmas dinner and for them to remember how Mum’s Christmas dinner tasted! And I want to be able to go to Church and see my friends. I feel like as I am nearly 40, and have never had Christmas my ‘way’. When and if I ever am a Grandma myself my children may choose to have Xmas in their homes, and, assuming I am invited, I may never get to spend Christmas in my own home!

So my husband is making me feel very selfish. My reasons are all about what I want, and his about what is best for the children. Except I don’t quite believe that… he is often resistant to change and he just probably likes things how they are. Also I suspect his primary concern is not the children but not wanting to upset his Mum. A long running and rather sore point is that I have felt in the past that he puts not upsetting his Mum as a higher priority than not upsetting me. He disagrees that he does this. This is a whole other can of worms.

I would compromise, and visit family for Boxing Day or New Year, but DH does not seem to be prepared to compromise. He now does not want to discuss it any more as he is saying who knows what will happen in the future, no point discussing it now. I just feel sad that he could choose to make me very happy by agreeing to this change because it means a lot to me but he is not prepared to do that.

AIBU, and silly and over-emotional. If so please slap me out it.

I'd say tough to him. Surely he wasn't dragged hundreds of miles from his home every Christmad day like his kids are?

I know exactly how you feel and I agree with you!

That does not sound unreasonable at all to me. I entirely understand about wanting your own Christmas traditions. My DH has similar views to your DH and I find it frustrating that it is assumed that we will follow a certain path at Christmas, every Christmas...

YANBU: be prepared for resistance tho. I would start dropping heavy hints this Christmas that you would like a change when you see all the rellies (in a kind way) so this is not a surprise next year. Could you host all the grandparents at your house? Don't back down, your DH just has to get used to the idea.

You don't have to remain in a daughter role forever, it's normal for the center of family gravity to move to the generation raising children. As you say you can take the children to the rellies to celebrate New Year. You are allowed to change tradition and make new traditions.

Yanbu. Could you compromise and make it a 3 way alternation? So every 3 years you stay at home?

Same problem here, feel exactly as you do OP, negotiated to have every other year in our home, travelling to families on Boxing day. So this year we do it our own way and can't wait!

YANBU. I could never see the point of spending Christmas on the motorway, particularly with children, so we ordained at an early stage that Christmas Day itself was going to be just us. Both sets of relatives took it reasonably well, probably because obviously we weren't favouring the other, and it's proved to be a great tradition.

Thanks everyone for suggestions. I don't think I will back down over Xmas day although it is hard to be the only one unhappy with the status quo. It suits our families that we always have to travel but they don't, but I don't think that is fair.

However, DH is very good at 'rational argument', and has succeeded in making me feel bad over this. Needless to say he is not so good at empathy.

Funky I agree, both myself and DH spent Xmas Day in our own homes with only our parents, (their parents didn't live nearby) and traveled to see relatives on boxing day. I think the children, once old enough to have opinions, would rather stay in their own home. But perhaps they will like what they know and not be bothered? Anyone got any experience of this?

I think our relatives including both his Mum and mine, will be less bothered by this change than DH especially if we get to see them at some point. I would be happy to host them. My parents wont travel but his would. MaryAnn thanks for the idea but I want to avoid Xmas day being 'different' every year, I think the kids would like to do the same things in the same place?

I would say YABU.

To explain - my father's job took my parents to the Midlands after they married. Every Christmas they took their growing family to stay with my grandparents in North Wales where their families lived and where I had aunts, uncles and cousins. It was wonderful. My sis and I looked forward to Christmas from September onwards. I loved every second spent with the extended family and was spoilt rotten.

One year my sis had been very ill and they thought the trek across country (by train - we had no car) would be too much for her and we stayed at home. My parents did their very best but I hated it. I missed my grandparents my aunts, uncles and cousins and Christmas seemed very "small" without them.

From then on until the last grandparent died we went to Wales and every Christmas was perfect. My happiest memories, even now, are of those Christmases in Wales in the cosy parlour of my Nain's house.

What do your DCs want to do? Where would they be happiest?

They won't have their DGs forever.

I too would have hated Christmas at home with just us as a child. Even now I hate the idea. Like a normal day! I'd go for a mixture, every three years thing.

I can see what you're saying but like your DH I like to go to the extended family. Ours aren't near each other but we alternate Christmas Day at one and Boxing Day at the other. As none of our family is local I don't feel Christmas would be special with just us: just like a Sunday but with presents. I'm also always thinking that 'this could be the last time' as my parents are in their 80s.

My DS has said in the past he'd like to stay here but I've said to him that mummy and daddy would like to see their mummies and daddies at Christmas too.

Could you either rotate on a three year cycle like Sprinkle said or maybe do a 'mini-Christmas' for the four of you before you go away?

Big Christmas surrounded by loads of family always feels best to me. My family is spread about the world now.
As kids we went to Grandmas house for Christmas it was bigger than ours and we were surrounded by family, from both sides, we loved it.

I loved extended family Christmases as a child. It feels so lonely now it os just me, DH and DD but both our families are in Australia.

We have always done Christmas on our own. Ground rules were set well before children.
We would prefer that they are able to play with all their new stuff without schlepping 170 miles each way on a motorway. The over excitement that generally comes with Christmas coupled with being at my parents' is a recipe for disaster. My parents come down with more presents a couple of days later. As for going to IL's, forget it! Hell would be preferable and DH agrees.

His refusal to discuss it anymore and saying "who knows what will happen in the future?" Is just telling you to STFU really.
I think it's that which would be pissing me off more than where we actually end up on Christmas Day.

Yanbu. Until last year I'd done 20 years of Xmas at either Dad + Stepmums house or Mum + Stepdads. The dc's were always being dragged out mid morning and getting in late, it was too busy.

Last year I stayed at home with them (I'm a LP) and it was lovely. We could mooch about in pj's, eat dinner when it suited us and went for a long walk after lunch.

We alternated our DPs before kids.

After kids, we stay home, kids have christmas in their own house, with their new toys etc. Everyone else is welcome to visit.

My DPs always said Christmas is for kids, so didn't drag us to GPs as distance would have meant travelling/staying away. So they can't complain now -sorry mum!

BTW I think your DH is BU. He is completely dismissing what you want - this is not ok. I would not be impressed with DH putting his mum above our DC or me.

YABU

My fondest memories of Xmas as a child are the massive family ones, we only had a few and I really wish it had been like that every year. I only have a very dim recollection of all the others, at home, just us. Lovely as they must have been, they weren't a patch on the magic of being with loads of people I loved but didn't see very often. Many of those family members have now passed away, but I remember them clearly through the Christmases spent together.

Once your DCs are older, and they have their own DCs you can be the ones to host it for them all!

I am really surprised by the idea of being lonely with just your dh and dc - I can't think of anything better! I agree with op about wanting to create your own traditions. And invite people to you. Grandparents are time rich (if retired) do they should be the ones travelling. If dh gets a precious couple of days off work at Xmas we don't want to spend it loading our tiny car and sitting in traffic!

Oh forgot to add YANBU to want Xmas in your own home, but as a host for all the family. If you have the possibility of sharing Xmas with lots of love ones I really would jump at the opportunity.

I think your reasons for wanting Christmas at yours are very valid. YANBU.

Yanbu!!-I had this up until two years ago when I put my foot down. Dh insisted we spent every xmas with his parents and he and bil wangled it so they would always be there on the same year-bil alternates with inlaws.

I told inlaws in the july that we would not be coming for xmas that year. There was a lot of bitching/whispering behind my back between them,dh and bil but I got my own way!

Sadly this year we may have to spend xmas with them as our oven is broken and dh is making no attempt to get it sorted out