to want Xmas in my own home?

[sandfish]

Sorry it is about Xmas and a middle class problem. And long.

We have always alternated Xmas between staying at my parents and staying at the in-laws. We have two small children. We live hundreds of miles away from family. All our relatives live in close proximity to each other, in/around the same town. This means when we visit, we get to see them all, which is great. However I mentioned to my DH yesterday that next year I’d really like to stay in our home for Xmas day in future years for various reasons both practical and emotional.

DH surprised and upset me by being adamantly opposed to this idea, that we should continue to take our children to family for the xmas holiday all through their childhood. He feels they would miss out if they didn’t see the wider family on Xmas day.

I would like to just be together with our children on Xmas day, quietly in our own home, and not have to transport toys and take long journeys. I want to develop our own Christmas traditions and ways of doing things, and make some of our own special memories. I want them to be the one who cooks them their Christmas dinner and for them to remember how Mum’s Christmas dinner tasted! And I want to be able to go to Church and see my friends. I feel like as I am nearly 40, and have never had Christmas my ‘way’. When and if I ever am a Grandma myself my children may choose to have Xmas in their homes, and, assuming I am invited, I may never get to spend Christmas in my own home!

So my husband is making me feel very selfish. My reasons are all about what I want, and his about what is best for the children. Except I don’t quite believe that… he is often resistant to change and he just probably likes things how they are. Also I suspect his primary concern is not the children but not wanting to upset his Mum. A long running and rather sore point is that I have felt in the past that he puts not upsetting his Mum as a higher priority than not upsetting me. He disagrees that he does this. This is a whole other can of worms.

I would compromise, and visit family for Boxing Day or New Year, but DH does not seem to be prepared to compromise. He now does not want to discuss it any more as he is saying who knows what will happen in the future, no point discussing it now. I just feel sad that he could choose to make me very happy by agreeing to this change because it means a lot to me but he is not prepared to do that.

AIBU, and silly and over-emotional. If so please slap me out it.

I would steer clear of setting precedents for one year here one there, people get hooked on routine and go berserk when you rock the boat... It's not a lot to ask to want to be home is it. I had a similar situation, in that one year was 200 miles up the road to one family, and the others were the same distance the other way.

We were spending 75% of our hols travelling and after 2 years with DD I said enough was enough, MIL hates me for it, in the same was she also moans about coming to visit us as it's so far... Which to me says it all.

My parents don't mind that we don't go, DHS are selfish and want to present us to all and don't care how knackered we are.

Plus like another poster said, I want to cook my own Christmas dinner, and one that's not been boiled to buggery either. In fact I will say I think that our lack of home time in our own house at Christmas helped in allowing us to never bond with our home, because all the memorable times were done somewhere else in someone's living room, living out of a hold all in a damp cold spare room.

Last year we broke convention and I intend to never go back on it, it was bliss.

Do it... Buck convention

could you do christmas day and stay for a couple of days at inlaws, the next year boxing day then a couple of days at your side of family, then the third year at home. so you would get 2 out of 3 christmas days at home.
we did the whole motorway thing when it was just Dh and DS1. once ds2 and shortly after DS3 came along we stopped as neither I nor DH ever travelled anywhere on Christmas day and we hoped our parents would understand.I was wrong, it really did piss them of.

Christmas is all about big family get togethers. Surely just the 4 of you would be just like any other day, and nothing special? The idea is nice, but the reality? Christmas should be about seeing family in extension to your own.

Christmas isn't always about big family get togethers. It's about whatever you want it to be about. If a small family Christmas is what you want, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I hate it when family pressures suck all the joy out of Christmas.

Not if it involves massive upheaval, disruption and being a martyr at the cost of others pleasure with none for yourself, not to mention bring told, in 2013, what your doing by your DH... Whatever happened to dialogue

so if christmas is about big family get togethers what happens to those that don't have family or family contact - christmas means a lot of different things to different people and it is not all about large gatherings at xmas time

Quality not quantity, in dome families a big family is great, in others it's not, in ours it's purely about keeping up appearances and being obliged to attend, not about desire to be there... A room full of people who would rather be at home, fun or what

We've just told DSIL that we won't be going to her's for Christmas this year - instead want a quiet day. just us and the kids. I've never had a Christmas which didn't involve wider family, and am so looking forward to our own this year. We can watch the telly programmes we want, eat when we want and stay in our jammies all day if we want to... hurray! We'll be going to MIL's on boxing day - so can do the family thing then.

Not to mention accommodation, fuel and extra present expense, soon clocks up and when you are only ever the ones picking up the tab gets rather draining

Wholeheartidly agree with you, infact my sister is having the same issue.
If it wasn't for the fact you had mentioned you are 40 i think this post could easily be hers!

Like you my sister has never had christmas at home & every year she is forced into taking 2 kids on a car journey to appease her dp & his family.

How old are your children? Mine are 9 and 11 now, and LOVE to stay home on Xmas day. We travel day after Boxing day. It gives them two whole days playing with their Xmas stuff, and we travel much lighter as a result. They would be seriously upset if we said we would be away on Xmas day.

Whose parents are you due to be with next Christmas? It might be easier to do it on a year you are to be with your parents? But push for it - it is great!

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It has enabled me to see different points of view.

My children are 3 and 1 so too young for an opinion really. My older boy is a real extrovert and will have loads of fun playing with his cousins but my younger one as far as I can tell seems to be going in a more introverted direction and gets a bit overwhelmed with lots of people so who knows what his preference would be. From reading your replies I can see that children generally like the kind of Xmas that they are used to, and it is when things change that they find it upsetting. That’s why I think we need to make a plan for the next few years and try to stick to it (unforeseen circumstances notwithstanding) And why I don’t want to do a 3 way rotation of Xmas, it would seem different every year to them.

I think your replies have made me realise that the ideal Xmas varies a lot between people, and me and DH have different ‘ideals’ in our heads. Whilst we need to try to find a compromise, we have to plump for Xmas in one place or the other so one of us is going to be disappointed. I feel like we have always had Xmas his way, so I shall work on persuading him to try it my way next year, and go from there.
If we are at home next Xmas I will invite one side of the family up to stay with us for Xmas. And we can go visiting for New Year and also at Easter. I'm really not trying to avoid our relatives it is more the hassle factor and the disruption as well as wanting to make my own decisions about what we do on Xmas day.

As you have said yourself, the real issue is you and your DH not agreeing on your Christmas plans (and the thought that he is pandering to his mother? ).

Every family does things differently but our 'rule' (happily agreed by both DH and I) is not to get into a routine at Christmas; we have been to my parents, his mother (now deceased), hosted our own Christmas, gone abroad, worked in catering, gone to friends, spent the day helping at a Christmas shelter, stayed on our own, etc etc. We only have one child so that probably makes a difference but he has always seemed to enjoy doing things 'differently' each year.

Something that you do once a year doesn't necessarily have to be the same every year. It's not like establishing a routine with a childminder, or going to school. It's once a year.

Hey kids, we're going to go on holiday, go to granny's for a few days, have a special day at home, go visit Aunty Sue, spend all day in pyjamas, eat chocolate for breakfast.

Is there any other time of the year when doing one of these things unexpectedly would be see as a bad thing? So why Christmas?

Yadnbu in particular I agree with you wanting to create your own traditions. Can't you have say Christmas and Boxing Day at home and then see family on 27-28th? Who can complain about having two Christmases??

There's been a few replies saying about the husband essentially dictating what happens and not taking into account OP's feelings... yet from the opening post it came across to me like the OP wanted it all her way with no offer of compromise (xmas at home one year, with family the next) towards the husband.

I think the best way forwards would be to find some sort of compromise... you cant always have everything your own way in a partnership, so come up with something so that you both get something how you want it, even if its alternating christmases.

YANBU.

I had this when eldest was a baby and had to insist we stop home. I compromised on traveling at New year - but it was still difficult and they did the whole guilt trip thing so that didn't last long.

I had to point out that traveling with young DC, no car at that point, was a huge issue, the weather was awful and while DC were young it would be easier for them to travel and and we'd be stuck with all the traveling when in time as they aged.

Now we do Easter - at IL. They do egg hunt and the weather is better for traveling and for going out. Not sure IL are thrilled about Christmas but they look forward to Easter.

YANBU at all. Stick to your guns.

I have had a similar situation as we went to my ILs for Xmas year after year and it was quite a big deal to them (in a bad way!) when we finally insisted on staying at home (they were invited to us instead). My DC were 5 and 7 before they had their first xmas at home. The first year they were a bit surprised at the concept of not going to nana's but as they have got older (now 9 and 11) they are adamant that they prefer to be at home.

Luckily my DH agreed with me re xmas at home, although he was (still is) reluctant to have difficult conversations that would upset his DM. In your case YANBU at all to tell your DH that he needs to compromise, so next year you will be at home, the following year will be his choice. You might find as you get older that your DC will make it a 3 to 1 vote against going away!

YANBU to want to create a family Christmas at home and start establishing some traditions of your own. I do however agree with Trills and the others who are questioning your staunch keenness to establish a "plan for the next few years" I also think this is what is weakening your argument and at the crux if the difference in opinion between you and DH, and why he's digging his heels in.

Who knows where you'll be/what you'll be up to/what major events will have taken place between now and 12 months time? I think you'd much easier find a way forward with this if you think in terms of what's best this year, then reassess what's best next year and so on. A year in the life of a toddler is an eternity, they're not suddenly going to feel confused and upset in in November 2014 if an alternative scenario is planned to this year.

I feel like we have always had Xmas his way, so I shall work on persuading him to try it my way next year, and go from there. This is a sensible approach. Obviously it's too late this year as plans will have started to have been made and if it was my MIL, entire menus planned and big shop ordered but you need to play it smart and concede to your DH that you genuinely see the value in a big family Christmas and are happy to continue as normal this year, but that's not to say that it will be a given every year. And start launching your campaign for 2014 much earlier in the year!

p.s. What I meant to add is, it will be more effective to ask DH to agree to a yearly reassessment than it would be to agree to a definite binding home-or-away choice.

YANBU

I had a huge family but we didnt see them at christmas.

It was still a very special day.

I understand for some people it would be magical to see lots of wider family but at the same time, there is always boxing day, new year and so on. Or even christmas eve.

Op you have every single right under the planets and stars to have Christmas in your home, your way and no one here can judge how special or not you would make it for the DC!

I think its much better if you start to base your christmas in your home, and then on the odd year, ie with no set plan, maybe after three years, go and have a special xmas with the wider family, in the mean time, invite them to you, and then go up there for new years.

There are many variations on a theme I do not understand this - having to go for the big day.

After all children can still get excited about visiting wider family and even having a sort of second xmas in their GP's homes.

I do fear its the usual man being afraid of his mother crap.

questioning your staunch keenness to establish a "plan for the next few years"

I guess this is because she feels under lots of pressure from a not listening DH, so whilst she may wangle one xmas at home, it would be under the proviso that every single other one was at the GP's house, so she wants to make it clear its going to be a way of life, not a one off.

YABU. Why is what you want to do so much more important than what he wants to do?
I don't get all the usually english people who keep saying "I want to be just us at home, on our own"....don't you have that every single day of the year? Christmas is about being with family, seeing people you love, gathering together and celebrating. Whats the point of huddling alone at home telling everyone else you can't be arsed to go see them?

Also, why assume your children want what you want? I'd say they will agree with your DH.