to want Xmas in my own home?

[sandfish]

Sorry it is about Xmas and a middle class problem. And long.

We have always alternated Xmas between staying at my parents and staying at the in-laws. We have two small children. We live hundreds of miles away from family. All our relatives live in close proximity to each other, in/around the same town. This means when we visit, we get to see them all, which is great. However I mentioned to my DH yesterday that next year I’d really like to stay in our home for Xmas day in future years for various reasons both practical and emotional.

DH surprised and upset me by being adamantly opposed to this idea, that we should continue to take our children to family for the xmas holiday all through their childhood. He feels they would miss out if they didn’t see the wider family on Xmas day.

I would like to just be together with our children on Xmas day, quietly in our own home, and not have to transport toys and take long journeys. I want to develop our own Christmas traditions and ways of doing things, and make some of our own special memories. I want them to be the one who cooks them their Christmas dinner and for them to remember how Mum’s Christmas dinner tasted! And I want to be able to go to Church and see my friends. I feel like as I am nearly 40, and have never had Christmas my ‘way’. When and if I ever am a Grandma myself my children may choose to have Xmas in their homes, and, assuming I am invited, I may never get to spend Christmas in my own home!

So my husband is making me feel very selfish. My reasons are all about what I want, and his about what is best for the children. Except I don’t quite believe that… he is often resistant to change and he just probably likes things how they are. Also I suspect his primary concern is not the children but not wanting to upset his Mum. A long running and rather sore point is that I have felt in the past that he puts not upsetting his Mum as a higher priority than not upsetting me. He disagrees that he does this. This is a whole other can of worms.

I would compromise, and visit family for Boxing Day or New Year, but DH does not seem to be prepared to compromise. He now does not want to discuss it any more as he is saying who knows what will happen in the future, no point discussing it now. I just feel sad that he could choose to make me very happy by agreeing to this change because it means a lot to me but he is not prepared to do that.

AIBU, and silly and over-emotional. If so please slap me out it.

YANBU

YANBU OP .

We had started a slippery slope if alternating between families. This year is the first that DD has a vague clue what's going on (will be nearly 3). We are staying at home precisely because I want to build our traditions, our way of doing xmsas. I also don't want the next 20 years mapped out in alternate visits.

We're very lucky in that DH and I agree, DPs and DPILs are supportive, and are both willing to travel to us this year.

I too love the big family Xmas so we will go and see extended family around the time and will still be away every few years too. But am pleased to be breaking the cycle this year.

I think people are thinking that maybe the dc don't want a quiet Christmas. Agree the husband doesn't get to lay down the law.

YANBU - we've spent the 12 years we've been together travelling the length of the country to see both sets of inlaws. It was fine when it was just me and DH, but the last few years we've been doing it with DC. Really hard packing everything I need for the DC's (travel cots high chair etc) and fit in Xmas present. Not fair on DCs either. We've just moved house and finally have the room to host Christmas. We've just told both sets of DPs that we're staying at home and they're welcome to join us - both sets are coming but if they declined we'd have stayed at home anyway! Luckily DH was of the same view as me unlike yours! We both spent Christmas as children in our own homes with GP's visiting and that's what I want (and to do it my own way as I'm a control freak!)

This is a difficult one as although I can totally see the angle you are coming from, when I was a child we did the whole 'Big Family Christmas' thing and I absolutely LOVED it. There was just something so special about all the family being together. Everyone being dressed up and happy - although I loved the present aspect of Christmas, I loved the Family aspect of it more. It did involve travelling.....but me and my sister were just so excited about it being Christmas and getting to see everyone we didn't care. The anticipation of arriving just made it more exciting.

We saw our parents every day of our lives and the reality was that If Christmas involved just them the day wouldn't have particularly felt very special of different - just another day at home with mom and dad.

Christmas is just one day of the year and is about being with family. Even though I'm an adult now (obviously) we still do the huge family Christmas and it is amazing!! I honestly couldn't think of anything worse than it just being me and my husband in our own home.

I'm sorry if I have missed it, but how old are your children and have they expressed what they would like to do??

I can understand people saying that the children will enjoy being part of a bigger Christmas, but that doesn't mean that the OP can't host it herself, does it?

I think once you have children then grandparents should travel to you (if invited) rather than expect you to travel to them.

Some people are very strange here - someone says that she should suck it up and then when her children have children, the OP can host it. So she has to wait 20 - 30 years before she can have Christmas in her own home? And her parents and in laws may still be alive then. AND her children may decide they want to spend their Christmas in their own home, just as the OP does.

OP, I would leave the arrangements as they are for this year but tell your husband next year you will be hosting. At Christmas, invite any of your families who you want to host next year.

We had to travel like this for years too.Now children are all over the world and I am so grateful for the very strong bonds all the cousins have,from going to Grandparents every Christmas and New year.

We certainly did not have to contend with snowy roads and short dark days though!

Pinupgirl Why can't you sort the oven out yourself?

Yes re: oven. Get some recommendations off local friends, or google a local appliance mechanic and get them round. They'll either mend it or tell you to get a new one.

I would go for a compromise of a mixture of arrangements. I don't think children need to have it the same every year. We have a massive family and I can remember my Christmases as a child by whichever grandparent, or aunt/uncle's house we were in, or sometimes it was our own house.

We have always alternated between DH's family and my family. If it is DH's family's turn then it is always at his mum and dads. If it is my families turn then it could be at our house with my family round, at my brother or sisters house, or at my mums, or my dad and stepmums. We always wake up in our own house on Christmas morning though so the children have their presents and stockings here, so we have our own Christmas traditions as well.

I think what is best for the children is to wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning and have their own friends and parents around them on Christmas day, why not travel to family on Boxing day (if you have the time) or the day afterwards to see them all together.

I would have hated to grow up and had to always go to one grandma or the other - never getting a chance to stay home in my own bed in my own surroundings.

I went away every other year and much as I loved the big family Christmas 200 miles away, there was something very special about christmas at hoe with mum and dad and being just at home made it extra special

Oh and my mum died 15 years ago, I have memories of her xmas dinner and her home made crackers, the mice pies and a few other special memories and family in jokes - that would never happen now as it is to late....

I think you should try it. Just for one year. See if you (all) like it.

Your DH can't complain that your children would be terribly scarred by "missing out" on a big family Christmas just for one year. How will you ever know if you like it if you don't try it?

Then if you do like it, you could change to a 3-year rotation.

The bit in between Christmas and new year is always dull. Far better to spend Christmas at home then head off to see family in the days afterwards. It would be like having Christmas all over again.

Everyone's own childhood xmas' have a baring on how they mold their own family's experience.

When i was a kid our house was much bigger than either of my grandmother's houses, (grandads passed away before i was born) and so it was natural that xmas was hosted at ours. My parents were better off financially too, which again made it natural for the main hub to be our house. All my xmas' were spent at home and over the years many lovely traditions were built up.

When i had kids i was keen for us to begin our own traditions in our own house, and that's how it went. My parents were ok with it, PILs not so much. They still wanted to be the center point and have everyone come to them.

I suspect that there's a bit of a shift in society nowadays. We have GPs being much better off financially than their kids often, with the larger family houses they have retained through the years, being more active and healthy than the older generations of the past perhaps too. Therefore willing and able to accomodate the whole family.

A great shame your DH cant or wont see how much it would mean to you to begin to build xmas your way in your own home :( Keep pushing.

Yanbu....I think Christmas in your own home is lovely with little ones. I wouldn't personally want the logistical nightmare of a long journey with sacks of presents as well as all the other packing. I think you should try it this year....

we used to travel 7 hours in a car on xmas eve or sometimes the day before when my ds1 was very little. car full of presents hidden away from him, he was 3 when ds2 arrived and we did a year more, hours in freezing fog, scared as we could barely see where we were going and that was on a motorway! after this we said sorry no more. carrying presents from santa was too tricky, it was too far and we... like you, wanted our own traditions. the first year at home together was the best we remember. DB is not so happy that he had to have dm and df every year but funnily enough none of them wanted to travel down to us for xmas.

I know exactly what you mean, OP.

I set a precedent that we would always spend our Christmas Day at our home vegging out in comfort, eating chocolate till we felt sick, watching telly and trying to get battery operated things to blooming work with the children and drive six hours on Boxing Day to visit and stay with all grandparents in turn, returning home on New Year's Eve in time for Hogmanay. No one objected and it meant that we had three Christmas dinners with all the trimmings over the Christmas week .

Yanbu.

I love spending time at home at Christmas, not every year I get the opportunity due to working and the Christmas at home cooking dinner with a nice glass of wine and opening presents with the DC are priceless.

I also think it a bit selfish that one set of family never travels, I would invite parents over for Christmas

What makes him so sure that parents will want to keep hosting indefinitely? It's a lot of hard work hosting family for christmas. It's normal for people to start making their own christmas once they are having kids and GPs are getting older etc.

YANBU, especially as you are willing to go on BD Or New Year! Your husband sounds immature and pig-headed, to be honest.

He feels they would miss out if they didn’t see the wider family on Xmas day.

Are they only family on Christmas Day?

Seriously we have told both adult children (and their OHs) that while they were welcome to visit on Christmas Day, we certainly wouldn't be offended and would be fine with getting together sometime around Christmas instead, whenever it's convenient for both of us. The last thing I would want is to pack the whole family up, drive a few hours, spend a busy holiday in someone else's home (even if it is family) and then have to drive a few hours home in the next day or two, so I certainly don't expect them to do so either. Why make the holidays more stressful?

Yanbu, but I think you could be more strategic. Don't tryto get commitments about all future Christmases. Just stick to next Christmas and say you want him to agree to give it a try just once and then you can all see how it goes after that. If he doesn't like the way it goes, you can say you'll do the following Christmas with relatives (and then perhaps rotate years).

You need to compromise, perhaps one year at home and one with family. Your desire to stay home is no more imortant than his to see family.