to want Xmas in my own home?

[sandfish]

Sorry it is about Xmas and a middle class problem. And long.

We have always alternated Xmas between staying at my parents and staying at the in-laws. We have two small children. We live hundreds of miles away from family. All our relatives live in close proximity to each other, in/around the same town. This means when we visit, we get to see them all, which is great. However I mentioned to my DH yesterday that next year I’d really like to stay in our home for Xmas day in future years for various reasons both practical and emotional.

DH surprised and upset me by being adamantly opposed to this idea, that we should continue to take our children to family for the xmas holiday all through their childhood. He feels they would miss out if they didn’t see the wider family on Xmas day.

I would like to just be together with our children on Xmas day, quietly in our own home, and not have to transport toys and take long journeys. I want to develop our own Christmas traditions and ways of doing things, and make some of our own special memories. I want them to be the one who cooks them their Christmas dinner and for them to remember how Mum’s Christmas dinner tasted! And I want to be able to go to Church and see my friends. I feel like as I am nearly 40, and have never had Christmas my ‘way’. When and if I ever am a Grandma myself my children may choose to have Xmas in their homes, and, assuming I am invited, I may never get to spend Christmas in my own home!

So my husband is making me feel very selfish. My reasons are all about what I want, and his about what is best for the children. Except I don’t quite believe that… he is often resistant to change and he just probably likes things how they are. Also I suspect his primary concern is not the children but not wanting to upset his Mum. A long running and rather sore point is that I have felt in the past that he puts not upsetting his Mum as a higher priority than not upsetting me. He disagrees that he does this. This is a whole other can of worms.

I would compromise, and visit family for Boxing Day or New Year, but DH does not seem to be prepared to compromise. He now does not want to discuss it any more as he is saying who knows what will happen in the future, no point discussing it now. I just feel sad that he could choose to make me very happy by agreeing to this change because it means a lot to me but he is not prepared to do that.

AIBU, and silly and over-emotional. If so please slap me out it.

Yabu.

Not to want to have Christmas as you describe. Incidentally that is always my preference for Christmas too, not that that matters as it's what you, as a family, want that is important.

But you just can't see that you are being exactly as intransigent and stubborn about this as you are accusing your dh of being. There is no reason why your desires should trump his for ever.

Alternating Christmas at home with Christmas away is a fair compromise. One year you get your preference with the next being his preference. Your children won't suffer because of doing different things at Christmas. They will get to experience both your ideal and your dh's ideal which is the only fair way when both your ideals are so different.

Going to your dh and demanding that you must always do Christmas your way for ever more is just as unreasonable as him putting his foot down to keep things the same. Surely you must be able to see this? I think your view is clouded with the obvious back story with his Mum and that's understandable but it is not reasonable to expect your way always on something as emotive as Christmas.

YANBU

I am one of the children who was dragged halfway across the country every christmas.

Maybe your kids will be fine with it. Or maybe they will resent the hell out of it like me. I wanted to be in my own room at Christmas, wake up in my own bed, enjoy Christmas. Instead I got dragged a three hour car journey away, to see people I barely knew as they never bothered to visit us for the rest of the year. As soon as I was old enough I put my foot down and refused to go anywhere at Christmas ever again.

Now I get to have my own traditions, see my friends, enjoy my own home (seeing as I work FT and do very long days, it is actually quiet nice to be at this place what I own sometimes...).

Tell DH you are not happy and you want at least a three year cycle - PIL, your Parents, home.

Goodness, he sounds just like my DH! Terrified of upsetting his mother, awash with guilt over more or less everything.

Except we have no children, not through choice I must add, so we are expected to fall in with everyone else's plans for that reason.

This isn't about our experiences over the holidays and what we all liked as kids. This is about OP and her family. This is about the fact that her husband would rather upset her than his Mummy and that she is willing to compromise but he is not.

You're willing to go on Boxing Day and since others mentioned memories with family, they will still get them, but just not on Christmas Day. It's one day after. It isn't like they won't see family so that argument is invalid now.

Stand your ground and don't go. Offer Boxing Day OR New Years. That's a ton of travel so don't give both. You're a new family and you can make your own traditions and your own memories. Your children will look fondly on what you choose to do. I preferred being able to have that time with just my parents and sibs.

Also, to the person who said she could host it when her DC have DC, the DC may not want that so she may never host Christmas

MrsHeavyweight the op is not willing to compromise though. She wants the children to have the same Christmas every year. Her way. I completely agree with you that this isn't about what everyone else thinks Christmas should be about. But as part of the family her dh has as much right to a say as she does.

If Christmas is just a day and celebrating a day late on boxing day is just the same why can't the arrangements stay as they are? By the very same argument.

I think the op should be able to have the Christmas she wants. But her dh should too. The only compromise that allows for both of them to get their way is to alternate. Not to pretend that boxing day is the same. For a lot of people it just isn't.

I think OPs desire to spend the special day in her home, trumps DH pleasing his mother, who I assume had her DC with her at xmas, probably in her own home but thats ridiculous speculation

I think Boxing day is good enough for the GP's and extended family, i think XMAS day is special and belongs to immediate family. Therefore I think extended family and GP's should be fine with seeing family on boxing day and understand ops wishes to be with her own little family being the main matriarch in her family.

her DH does not seem to be up for discussing it and more than that seems more concerned with his mothers feelings than those of perhaps his DC let alone his wife.

You can only move forward by compromising. You have to understand that establishing your own "christmas traditions" is likely to be to the detriment of someone else's. Alternating is a good approach.

We've always had Christmas Eve/morning at home, have sometimes driven to grandparents after breakfast (two hours), had people stay with us or been on our own. A good Christmas recently was when we unexpectedly had a cousin of mine staying. She didn't cook, clear the table, load or empty the dishwasher, but she entertained my parents for two days and was a delight to have with us.

Christmas traditions aren't made, but evolve over time, and don't have to be exactly the same every year. A walk before opening presents* can take place at home, at your inlaws, anywhere.

(*a walk before opening presents - yes we're the mean parents who don't allow present opening before a long walk after a long breakfast)

YANBU .

We have had our own Christmas in our own home since the DC were about 4 & 6 .

Sometimes we have family over , other times it's just the 4 of us .

Same this year . although the ILs have been hinting for an invite

YANBU. Very similar situation although DH is much more supportive thankfully! We are making small changes this year - shortening our time away from home (it was ridiculous last year, we seemed to spend over a week on the road with tiny child in tow, then got home just in time for exhausted DH to go back to work!)

This year we are driving to the first rellies on Christmas morning so we can at least have Christmas Eve in our own house. Staying one night, then heading to next lot who are much further afield for 2 nights. Then coming home!

One thing I will say though - I do want family to spend time with us and DC at Christmas. We spent last Christmas with a much loved relative who died a few months later and us being there helped to make relative's last Christmas. So there is a happy medium.

So, we will be sucking it up for the next few years until DC is really old enough to start wanting to stay at home with toys but we will be shortening the visits. After that, we'll probably suggest alternating - knowing damn well they'll be too lazy to come to us :(

Yoni the op clearly says that the reason her dh is opposed to this change is because her thinks the children will not have as good a Christmas her way. Not anything about his Mum and her wishes. There is obviously a back story here but it is a big leap of presumption that he is putting his Mum first.

Like the op he is expressing a strong preference for his wishes about Christmas to be followed. Why are his wishes less important than the Op's?

They need to find a compromise together. It is not a compromise to her dh to spend boxing day with his family. Because to him it's not Christmas day. And the actual day is clearly important.

I think he is being a twat to refuse to discuss it. But the op doesn't seem prepared to compromise either does she, its all about what she wants.

From my reading of it they both just have very different ideas about what makes a good Christmas and what their children will find most fun. So in this situation clearly the only compromise is to alternate.

I do agree by the way that the wishes of the immediate family are most important and the extended family a secondary consideration. If this was a thread saying 'dh and I want Christmas at home but his Mum is kicking off' I'd say 'tell her to suck it up'. But if 2 members of the immediate family have differing views there is nothing that says the op's should trump her dh's.

I always longed for a big family gathering at Christmas, but my parents preferred to have it just us at home. They found it cosy and fulfilling, I found it quite dull and wished I could be playing with cousins, aunts and uncles etc.