Aibu to think my baby wont be at risk if harm on Christmas day??

[jigsawlady]

My pfb will be 12 weeks old by xmas. Me and my partner alternate years with our parents and this year is my mum n dads turn. its been no big deal at all and until today everyone has been happy with this scenario.

Due to having a very big family theres likely to be 15 ppl at my parents, there will be a few aunties and older cousins who adore dd and will no doubt want cuddles and will shower her with love n gifts like they have since we've had her. Dp has now said that he doesnt want us to go and thinks its cruel to expose dd to that many people as she might catch something. Hes really going down the route of he only wants whats best for her. Ive suggested we take hert and ask people not to handle her too much but he thinks this would be awkward. He's not suggesting we go to his parents but that we visit both for about 30 mins then have xmas at home.

I really dont want to go to the effort of cooking us a special dinner with a small baby but also think it would be sad to sit at home and not celebrate xmas properly (im used to big family xmas lunches)

Am I being unreasonable and not putting dd first??? Or is dp being over cautious?

How do I tell my mum we're not coming or how do i persuade dp that she'll be fine???

Fyi - I cant really tell my mum to uninvite aunties, cousins etc and just have an immediate family dinner as it's likely to be my nans last xmas so everyone wants to apend it to her and the only way this can happen is 1 big get together.

I actually think that the christmas that 'you' have planned for your husband is the real reason that he's reluctant. You've told him he's driving AND looking after the baby in a house full of loud people? The thing is that dynamics and priorities do change when you have kids. Your plans all do sound really one sided and I'm not surprised he's looking for an excuse. If they only live 15 minutes away you have loads of opportunity to spend time with them over Christmas. And surely it woild be nicer for your nan to spend a few hours with DD when there aren't hoards of other people in thf house?

Hes now saying that its not just her getting ill but her getting overtired and cranky. This did happen yesterday after a quick visit to my parents but there was only 2 gp and 1 other person there so I dont think she was overtired because of so many people I just think that as first time oarents we missed all her sleep cues and let her get overtired. Which led to her being quite whingey and difficult to settle

Hopefully he'll forget about this and we'll get better at making sure this doesnt happen before xmas.

Monet why do you say "she" has planned this Christmas, as if it's all been a surprise to him?
"its been no big deal at all and until today everyone has been happy with this scenario."
I think the to-ing and fro-ing idea is far more disruptive. And why is it such a big bloody deal for him to have to drive and therefore not drink? Presumably the OP has just had nearly a year of not drinking? Wouldn't kill him for one day, surely?

There could be a dozen different reasons why she was cranky yesterday. Doesn't mean it'll happen at Christmas, and anyway, if you're prepared for it, you can make sure there's a travelcot tucked away somewhere quiet that she can go.

Why don't you wrap up and walk? Both of you can have a drink, DC can sleep in the buggy?

I took 3 week old ds to a big family Christmas the other side of the country. Yes he got loads of cuddled from grandparents, great grandparents, aunts uncles cousins etc. Is that really so terrible? He was fine and still 8years on loves being part of a big family.

My DD was 12 weeks old on her first Christmas - I would have loved 15 pairs of hands to hold her so I could eat my dinner, open my presents and chill out a bit! YANBU.

It sounds like he just doesn't want to go, he wants a nice quiet Xmas with you & his new baby. Which isn't a crime, but you do need to talk about it properly and come up with a sensible compromise.

I agree with PPs, maybe he just wants a small first family Christmas? I know I did last year!!

And why do you have to cook the Christmas dinner? Why can't he do it? Or even better, don't bother with a full on roast and just have something that you both love for dinner instead.

Remember, you can visit on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day too. I don't know if I could be arsed to visit three lots of family on one day. Unless you all live next door to each other.

If he's worried about her getting overtired then definitely take a sling or carrycot into the house, you can always take her to a quiet room if she looks a bit fractious and try to settle her.

I do agree that it's not good for little tiny babies to be passed around everyone and everyone wanting to "have a go" at feeding etc but it's Christmas. New babies are a wonderful thing and as long as you are keeping an eye and taking her out if she gets upset, it's not a big deal.

Can't you get a taxi if it's so short? The car seats for babies you take out of the car anyway. I expect neither of you will feel like getting raging drunk as you still have to look after the baby.

You definitely need to compromise, it can't be all about him.

Why is he not cooking? Does he help at all? I think you should totally get a drink!

Just a thought but when my cousins were little they always napped in a travel cot upstairs, can you not take a Moses basket or something similar with you? I agree you don't want a grouchy baby but there are ways round this. Your DH can't avoid going places for years, you'll never go anywhere!

It sounds like he just doesn't want to go, he wants a nice quiet Xmas with you & his new baby. Which isn't a crime, but you do need to talk about it properly and come up with a sensible compromise.

I also think that it could well be this that is motivating him.

I must admit that this makes me very pleased that we didn't have any your turn/my turn at Christmas. We invited my parents to ours, went away with friends, stayed with husband's family and, once children arrived, we mostly just stayed at home and started our own traditions. That way there were no assumptions and no upsets that someone or other wasn't getting their "turn".

I would just talk to him and maybe try his suggestion. It doesn't sound that unreasonable in the circumstances and you might even like it.

She has her own room at my mums wirh a travel cot chanhing table etc all set up upstairs so there's def somewhere to go and calm down with her.

I think its prob a combination of he just doesn't want to spend the time there as he'll be bored. Just wish he'd realise that having xmas at home will be practically like any other day and it'd be nice to dk something different (pass her aeound to gps so we can have a break and a glass of champagne)

He is really good, doesnt do a lot of the housework and would expect me to cook but does more than his fair share of everything else, gets up during all the night feeds, works 10/12 hour days so he can give me extra money to live off whilst on mat leave.

Think ill prob give in to be honest hes so good in nearly every respect its not the biggest sacrifice to let him have the xmas he wants.

The problem with great big families is that if you arent used to them all (which if you are marrying in you probably arent) then they can come across as being very alien.

The germs thing may be the only concrete thing which he can put his finger on but the truth may be that the idea of taking his child into a big family Christmas may seem hugely scary.

It shouldn't be about 'giving in' to his wishes, you need to find a compromise, otherwise as you say it will just be like any other day with you cooking the dinner.

So he doesn't do a lot of the housework and expects you to cook even though you're looking after a new baby?

I assume he's been to big xmases at your family before you had a baby? Don't change your plans! What about what you want and what you agreed what would happen??

I don't like going anywhere on Christmas Day. It is never just like any other day, we eat different food, have Christmas tv/new dvds to watch, have the fire going, dd will have new toys to play with etc. It is only like any other day if you don't make any effort to be Christmassy.

You say you want to go so that you can have all the traditions you grew up with, why not start making your own for your family, incorporating some from both your and your DH's childhood? Your dd will grow up with whatever you do as her traditions, you can pick and choose the best bits of your experiences to make something special for her.

She won't remember this one so if something you try doesn't work then you can do something different next year :)

He 'expects' you to cook? Wow, I could tell you what is say to my DH if he expected me to cook. It wouldn't be p

*polite.

"the idea of taking his child into a big family Christmas may seem hugely scary." Seriously? What sort of a wuss would be "scared" of that fgs?

And what is this "everything else" he does, if you do all the cooking and all the housework? Not to mention him "giving you" money to live off whilst you're on maternity leave? You're a FAMILY; one of you stays home on maternity leave to care for your (joint) baby, the other goes out to earn money. The household chores are split between you the rest of the time.

Sounds to me as if he's done a right number on you!

I used to love days like that, when everybody falls over themselves to take the baby. It really frees you up to relax for a change.

Perhaps the best is to compromise on the amount time there, then.

I wonder if its more to do with not being able to have a drink because he has to drive.

I would be pretty pissed off with expecting to cook Christmas dinner when its him changing plans. I would make him a deal that you will stay at home but he does the cooking and cleaning up. Of he can't cook he can start practicing now there is still a month to go.
I would also tell both grandparents that they could come visit for a while in the morning that way its all fair and equal.

12 weeks mine was 4 weeks and we did this. don't worry they will catch what they a re going to catch