Aibu to think my baby wont be at risk if harm on Christmas day??

[jigsawlady]

My pfb will be 12 weeks old by xmas. Me and my partner alternate years with our parents and this year is my mum n dads turn. its been no big deal at all and until today everyone has been happy with this scenario.

Due to having a very big family theres likely to be 15 ppl at my parents, there will be a few aunties and older cousins who adore dd and will no doubt want cuddles and will shower her with love n gifts like they have since we've had her. Dp has now said that he doesnt want us to go and thinks its cruel to expose dd to that many people as she might catch something. Hes really going down the route of he only wants whats best for her. Ive suggested we take hert and ask people not to handle her too much but he thinks this would be awkward. He's not suggesting we go to his parents but that we visit both for about 30 mins then have xmas at home.

I really dont want to go to the effort of cooking us a special dinner with a small baby but also think it would be sad to sit at home and not celebrate xmas properly (im used to big family xmas lunches)

Am I being unreasonable and not putting dd first??? Or is dp being over cautious?

How do I tell my mum we're not coming or how do i persuade dp that she'll be fine???

Fyi - I cant really tell my mum to uninvite aunties, cousins etc and just have an immediate family dinner as it's likely to be my nans last xmas so everyone wants to apend it to her and the only way this can happen is 1 big get together.

He's being ridiculous.

Go to your family's and enjoy yourself. His suggestion sounds completely boring.

I'll put my hands up. I was your DP when DD1 was born.

However i developed an anxiety disorder not long after she was born and i was convinced she was going to get poorly.

Maybe just have a talk with him and explain :)

passing round hand sanitiser?? Jeez, bit of perspective here. A family xmas with three of you when one is a small baby (or any child under about three who has no idea what is going on) would be a bit rubbish if you are used to family gatherings. It wouldn't be worth doing the whole xmas dinner for two and you'll just sit there doing what you always do on a normal weekend day. Go to your folks as agreed. Be clear about your DD needing to sleep, feed quietly in a upstairs room etc and be prepared to leave a little earlier than you might have done but there really is no reason not to go.

Hand sanitisers (outside of hospitals) are the reason some people are so sick and sniffly.

We are not having a big Christmas because of this reason. Dd is 7 months and has to sleep every 90-120 otherwise she goes in to physical melt down. We are just managing to sort her sleep out so no way on this planet is anybody going to mess that up!

Seriously her family adore her but she will get mauled by my lot and dh's . It will be too much for her! Even mil will NOT understand that when dd is displaying sleep cues she needs sleep ! It causes frequent embarrassment as I see dd getting frustrated and mil bouncing her up and down or trying to make her laugh when all she needs is a quiet room.

Plus he has got a say in dd well being too!

I have to say that the worst stomach bugs I have caught have been around Christmas.

The problem is that people make the effort to make Christmas get-togethers even if they are feeling under the weather. Cue coughs, colds and stomach bugs getting handed round with the mince pies.

I agree with your DH. You can start your own Xmas lunch at home?

Just point out that his suggestion doesn't protect dd as she will be passed round the same people and exposed to the same germs in 30 minutes as she would be in a full afternoon! Also that it may be your nans and dds only Christmas together, ever.

I can understand that he may want you both to himself but I think he is bu overall and you should sit and discuss this more. There may be something else he hasn't brought up that makes more sense of his request.

Sorry he is bonkers to say not going. (Unless she has some medical condition that makes it more dangerous to come into contact with an illness) but totally reasonable to say you don't want her passed around.

Is this the real reason?

When we had pfb, df was adamant that we had Xmas Day in our house rather than alternating with our parents as had been the tradition.

He came up with loads of reasons - the health thing at a big gathering, it would be too noisy/stressful for lo etc. I thought he was being an arse and told him so.

Then he admitted that it was actually just because he wanted to stay home as it was our first Christmas as a family - he wanted us to have our own lunch, start our own traditions etc...just didn't want to say that in case our mums caught the hump.

I thought it was really sweet of him So we fucked off everyone else and had our own Xmas Party for three at home. It was lovely, and I much preferred it to crowding in with 10 relatives at my mums.

If you do go to you family and his for 30 mins the baby will be exposed to even more germs. Everyone, from both sides of the family, will have to do pass the baby. They'll each look enthralled, cuddle and pass it on.

Maybe he wants to show off the new baby to his family too, then have an evening snoozing on the sofa?

I come from a large family and when mine were babies I loved having times like Christmas with them. It was a break for me as there were people who really would take a baby off me for a while. They'd change a nappy, shove crying baby in a pram, chain toddler to the pram and take them out of my ear shot

I like my Inlaws and they have done loads for us. When the kids were tiny it was my husband who got the break (and beer) when we visited but me who was more on duty.

Oh fuck me. I took my baby to meet his family in Ireland at about the same age at Christmas.

I didn't take any hand sanitizers or anti bacterial wipes or anything. I must be a really shit mother.

Seriously, he is being way over anxious. Babies need to build up their immune systems. Keep people with flu or cold sores away but otherwise don't worry..

Why do people need to cram in a years worth visits and merriment in one day!

People are able to visit on Christmas Eve Boxing Day and every bloody day up to New Years

We are going away or hiding this year!

YANBU. Your DP is being unreasonable and more than over cautious.

Go to your parents, you can never get this time back with you nan. My own nan died 10 days after my son (first was born) I risked taking him into the hospital to see her, and I don't regret that at all. I just wish she had more time with him.

Are you sure it's the germs or could it be the alcohol?

Is he really just resenting not being able to drink on Xmas Day because he has to drive? Will you discover that your family day at home means that you end up doing all the cooking and 'caring' so he can have a beer?

(Sorry, sore point for me)

Taking it entirely at face value, your DP is bring precious.

If his concern really does relate to people playing 'pass the baby' then invest in a sling and one of you can simply pop her in it when you feel it is all getting a bit much.

I'd definitely go. Can you have your own Christmas on Christmas Eve?

Could you just reassure him that people will wash their hands (as is the general advice given by the NHS I think?) before handling her?

It's not as if you live so far away from you parents that you can't come home early if you are tired and want some quiet time with the baby. It will certainly be good to have your lunch cooked for you. I think you are lucky as a family and ca get the best of both worlds. All GP's get to see your baby on Christmas day and you can spend alone as a family too.

I don't think baby will come to any harm at all being surrounded by her family ion Christmas Day - all 15 of them. We took DD2 to a wedding reception when she was days old (smallish wedding reception in a house). It was lovely and we just left when we were tired and had enough.

He's either developing some sort of anxiety/ PFB or its a misguided attempt to be fair on his family too or he's always hated big Christmas and is using DD as excuse to stop doing it with either family.
Whatever the reason (and especially as you only live 15 mins away so can pack up and go home if she was in anyway distressed) he's probably not thought it through.
No more harm will come to your DD at a family Christmas than might come to her on a trip to the supermarket, baby clinic or sitting on her daddy's lap watching the Queens speech in your own home. All this guff about upsetting routines etc is nonsense too. It's one day. Life is full of the unexpected and babies, children and adults need to develop resilience and flexibility. It's a good thing, a social skill, to know how to manage oneself in a large noisy group.
We have always alternated. When DD2 was 4 weeks she was one of 21 at MiLs. Although we live too far to just pop in both sets of GP are 15 mins apart ( home town) so when DC were very little to avoid either gran missing out we got up extra early and popped in first at the house of the gran who wasn't hosting that year for cups of tea, cuddles and a quick exchange of presents. Then onto other house for the main event and sleep over. Back the next day to opposite gran for Boxing Day then home. Yes it's a faff but its worth it for our mums happiness and tbh it's always fun in the end. The one year that it looked like we might not be able to do this due to a household disaster our DC were distraught. It's just not Christmas unless they get to play parlour games with assorted cousins, hear the old stories of family Christmases 'when I wor a lad', be hero worshipped by the younger set, catch up on the goss with great aunties, sleep five to a room and lose at least one pair of pants and a box of quality street somewhere between Christmas Eve and the day after Boxing Day.
You DH and DD have every other day of the year to cosy up and have 'special just the 3 of you times'. I always project ahead in these situations and think what example am I setting for DC. Is this what I would hope for when I am the DGM? Christmas is 'a feast to celebrate the birth of Christ' , we all get together travelling far and wide, all the family for one day. There are traditions and other people to consider in life. For one day ( well 2 days if you count boxing day like we do :) )

It's how kids develop an immune system.

If he doesn't want to go then fine, but don't use the kids as an excuse.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to be designated driver & wants to drink.

Can he baby wear with sling so baby isn't passed around constantly? Stay away from any one with a cold.

'over cautious' is a huge understatement. He sounds paranoid.

Yeah I'm with Dallas- your post about him being the designated driver is probably the key to understanding this sudden reluctance to expose your baby to family.

I always found mine slept better in noisy places so wouldn't have worried about a noisy place for a day.

We did start doing our own thing once ds1 was one but mainly because at the time we lived miles away from both sides & didn't want to get into having to go away every Christmas.