Aibu to think my baby wont be at risk if harm on Christmas day??

[jigsawlady]

My pfb will be 12 weeks old by xmas. Me and my partner alternate years with our parents and this year is my mum n dads turn. its been no big deal at all and until today everyone has been happy with this scenario.

Due to having a very big family theres likely to be 15 ppl at my parents, there will be a few aunties and older cousins who adore dd and will no doubt want cuddles and will shower her with love n gifts like they have since we've had her. Dp has now said that he doesnt want us to go and thinks its cruel to expose dd to that many people as she might catch something. Hes really going down the route of he only wants whats best for her. Ive suggested we take hert and ask people not to handle her too much but he thinks this would be awkward. He's not suggesting we go to his parents but that we visit both for about 30 mins then have xmas at home.

I really dont want to go to the effort of cooking us a special dinner with a small baby but also think it would be sad to sit at home and not celebrate xmas properly (im used to big family xmas lunches)

Am I being unreasonable and not putting dd first??? Or is dp being over cautious?

How do I tell my mum we're not coming or how do i persuade dp that she'll be fine???

Fyi - I cant really tell my mum to uninvite aunties, cousins etc and just have an immediate family dinner as it's likely to be my nans last xmas so everyone wants to apend it to her and the only way this can happen is 1 big get together.

Agree with the posters who think he is being over cautious but it may not be the real reason.

He's overreacting.
Our DS went to a massive professional conference with 100 of delegates when he was 6weeks old.
It was bliss - he always slept better with lots of noise. He was fine and caught nothing. I got to have cups of tea/food whilst other people cuddled him. Other people even offered to change his nappy.
I family Christmas wouldn't even register as a worry for me after that.
My DN will be a similar age and is coming for Christmas. SIL says she's looking forward to being looked after and getting some rest, as so far DN seems to also like sleeping in noisy rooms.

We took ds and stayed with pil when he was ten days old. Didn't occur to me that he might be exposed to more germs. Just that I would get a break as everyone gave him cuddles/changed his nappy and just bought him to me for feeding. It was fab. Dd is due and day now and will be doing the same again. I assume if someone is ill they will let me know and not handle the baby.

Ah becomes clearer now you've said he is the designated driver and carer while you have a drink.
I'd make it very clear to him now that wherever you decide to spend Christmas, that deal still stands!
He is the driver to the various 30 minute visits he wants and when you get back home he is the hands on carer for dd while you get to sit back and relax with a few drinks.
He might change his mind again if he realises that he doesn't get out of the deal just by changing the venue!!!

Another who thinks he's being over-cautious. Definitely more to it in my opinion!

It's so depressing to hear a baby being passed round and cuddled and loved by it's extended family being describes as being "mauled".

Some babies don't like it- in which case take her back and put her in a sling. Some babies love it- in which case let them get on with it and drink champagne. Some babies like it for a while- in which case do a combination of the two. Sorted.

I took our PFB DD to Australia when she was 3.5 months old. We even stopped off in Hong Kong for a few days. She was perfectly fine and the family was so pleased to meet her and have cuddles. I now have some precious photos of her with her great-grandmother who she was named after. Sadly she passed away in September this year so I'm so glad we went. Go and take lots of photos. Also, with someone else holding the baby you will be able to eat / drink / go to the toilet in peace.

It's a wonder the human race has survived up to this point without being so over cautious! We are social creatures, you can't hide away from hypothetical germs just in case a presumably healthy bouncing baby picks up a sniffle from great Aunt Whoever! I really do think that we are in danger of protecting small babies to the point that when they are older they won't have a clue how to react to large gatherings because they have never been allowed to go to any...
All 3 of mine went to family 'do's from a young age and we never took hand sanitizer or bothered about our children being 'mauled' (horrible way to phrase it, this is family, not a pack of wild dogs) by extended family.
Your DH is being massively pfb, very U and to my mind is using this to get out of going anywhere at all on Christmas Day. I wonder if he would have mentioned any of this if it were his family you were going to?

Oh my goodness, he does realise your baby will get poorly at some point doesn't he?

My DD was the same age last Christmas and we hoiked her half way around the country visiting friends and relatives. She was knackered but fine, in fact she enjoyed having so many new people around.

So he has to go see your extended family but can't have a drink...... sounds a bit unfair - with us whoever's family we went to - THAT person didn't drink - it's his in-laws (and lots of them) - a day with folks he obviously does NOT want to spend the day with, and no alcohol... give the guy a break.....

sounds like YOU want, and would engineer yourself, a fab Christmas... how about him.....

Christmas at home & a quick visit to each would sound great to me tbh.

Thought of most of a day with husbands family & no alcohol-not so much!

And there would be two of you to cook!

Is he getting pressure from your MIL about this being unfair? That would be my guess.

Made, last year OP was at ILs house and didn't drink. She's only asking her DH to do the same. Fairs fair and all that

Totally pfb. Getting a cold is how she'll develop an immune system. Your dd will get ill at some point, whether its at Christmas or in three months or three years, you can't prevent it. He can't keep her indoors and away from people forever!

I do wonder if its another reason though, he's not being very fair in that case.

Would be interesting to know the real reasons....dh hiding behind baby getting ill , op hiding behind nans last Christmas...both powerful emotional answers that can't be argued yet both things that could happen to anyone at anytime (op and dh could get ill and a different relative may unexpectedly die making this Christmas their last Christmas!) . No one can win this one...reach a decent compromise. (Christmas lunch with your family but home a lot earlier..stop and see other gps on the way there/back and then the two of have a chilled afternoon drinking champagne together and open special presents for each other)

I'll bet this is nothing to do with the baby and everything to do with your 'loud and full on' family who I presume will be be louder after a few drinks. I don't tolerate loud, full on people well myself so can see your dh's pov. Do your family tend to drink a lot on these occasions? I wouldn't be happy about a baby being passed around a load of pissed relatives if that's the case.
I also have to disagree with the poster who said a cold won't do the baby any harm. My own baby was very ill with a chest infection at that age after getting a cold and ended up in hospital. I thought it was a well known fact that the flu virus can be very serious in the very young and old.

Hand sanitiser? Seriously??
Do people really DO this? Make people scrub up and disinfect before picking up a baby who, presumably, is fully clothed?

Agree with the earlier suggestion that if he wants tostay at home, he has to shop for and cook a full Christmas dinner himself. No ready meals either!

How do you usually agree on who drives and who drinks at an event? Maybe he could have Boxing Day or NYE.

I, like you op, are used to a big family Christmas. Dh's family is smaller but still do the family thing. We also alternate years for Xmas dinner but as our parents don't live far from each other, we see the other half during the day too.

I could not have spent the day just me and dh for Xmas when dd was a baby. Having older children may be different (our oldest is 9 now so now would be a fun but different day if we stayed home. Not that we ever have) but babies don't have a clue about Xmas so it would be just like a Sunday but with crackers and slightly posher veg.

If its just the germs I would tell him to get over it. These things get passed on whether you put yourself in a bubble or not. I think it's more the fact that he doesn't want to go and is using the baby as an excuse. I think his planned day sounds pants.

Clam yes they do. I have had the delightful experience a number of times while visiting friends new babies :)

We flew 12 hours to be at a large family Christmas gathering when ours was three weeks old. Everyone had a great time. HIBU.

Oh for goodness sake he's being incredibly silly. So what are you going to do, never leave the house just in case someone has a cold and breathes near her! Tell your husband he's being a silly arse and carry on with your plans.

clam I actually laughed the first time a friend passed me the hand sanitizer before holding her pfb... Right up to the point where I realised she was serious!
OP a new baby is the perfect time to start your own Christmas traditions but to have your OH drop it on you now is unfair of him. Howstricks idea is a good one for this year and then next year start to do your own thing as a family. Then you can include extended family as much or as little as you both want.

He's either being a complete and utter overly precious arse, or he's lying about his real reasons.
Tell him that your dd will be exposed to exactly the same germs whether she's there for 30 minutes or the whole day, and in fact he's suggesting doubling up that "exposure" by also visiting his family. Then watch him scrabble around for another excuse.
If he "only wants what's best for dd," then tell him that that will be opportunities to mix with her extended family from an early age and build up a bit of immunity from common germs.

Well my reasons are mainky selfish, id like to be with my own family so I get to do all the traditions ive grown up with. Its not so much about seeing my nan (im one of 35 grandkids so not particularly close the way I would have been if there was just a couple of us)

His true reasons are prob not wanting to have ro make small talk with all my family all day and a bit the staying sober which I can understand.

I'll see whether I can persuade him that we should go 20 mins before dinner is served and leave 30 mins after its finished. At the very l re least we'll go for 30 mins in the morning then pay quick visits to his mum and stepd and then his dad and steps mums houses - I was hoping one of them would come to us in the morning but maybe thats me being unrwasonable??