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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty about this?

115 replies

Babysealion · 23/11/2013 18:34

I unexpectedly fell pregnant in May and my grandparents have been so good to us. when me and DP moved in together in September they basically took me to Dunelm Mill and bought us everything we needed. We got a sofa second-hand for free from one of DP's mum's colleagues.
My grandparents have always done a lot for me growing up and I have a very special relationship with them.
They've bought so many baby things, clothes, helped me out with all my clothes, my nana takes me for my hair, feet and nails doing every 6 weeks. I go out for the day with them once a week and they always send me home with bags of stuff. Because of all their help, me and DP have been able to build up a considerable savings pot for a mortgage and a rainy day fund.
the springs in our sofa have gone so last night we went to Dfs and found one in the sale for £600. We put down a £200 deposit and applied for 3 years interest free finance to pay off the rest. Our finance has been declined as we are not on the electoral roll register.
I rang my nana to ask if she'd put it in her name and we'd set up the standing order for the amount of finance every month to go into her account (so essentially we pay it, her and my grandad just have their names on it).
My nana said no I will pay for it upfront and you give me bits of money towards it every so often.
I feel awful and guilty that she's doing this for us so close to Christmas. AIBU and should I insist on her doing the finance, or let her pay and then we give it her back?

OP posts:

RhondaJean · 23/11/2013 19:28

But op says the reason she accepts the gifts is so she can buy a house for the baby. If that's true then she needs to seriously chat to the grandparents about what she needs, and nails etc every 6 weeks is not something she needs. There are plenty of other ways to spend time together (and I just need to EWWW at the concept of girly bonding but that is ME bu I know)

LimitedEditionLady · 23/11/2013 19:29

Lol at my crap spelling love not live,affird is afford etc

Chippednailvarnish · 23/11/2013 19:29

If it's for bonding purposes the OP should take turns paying.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 23/11/2013 19:30

It is scary to part with a large chunk of money, especially when you are saving for a secure future, but even interest free credit can be a slippery slope. Don't let yourself get into a false sense of security of having a pot of savings but unpaid for items on credit.

atleast if you go for a cheaper sofa or pay with your savings you will know exactly where you stand financially and you will own what you have.

TWWOTW · 23/11/2013 19:30

Oh FFS! I get so fucking sick and tired of people who wade in spouting crap like "get finance in your own name" RTFT! She can't get finance in her own name! That's why she asked her gran! People who write judgy posts saying "oh do this, do that, your spoilt waaaaaa" just sound incredibly jealous, whiny and stupid! If you actually read the opening post you would see that actually no she is NBU, she doesn't ask for money, her grandparents give her things, she gratefully accepts. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, most of the posts on this thread sound like whining brats!

OP YANBU. Just pay her back monthly as much as you can afford so it's paid off as quickly as possible.

decaffwithcream · 23/11/2013 19:30

Your grandparents may be quite anxious that you manage to get a house especially when you will have a child soon.

Because they are doing a massive amount to meet any financial needs they anticipate you even might spend your money on.

Asking them to sign a credit agreement for you could worry them more about your needs and security. It doesn't send a reassuring message.

Make a quick trip to ikea or buy on gumtree or ebay first in situations when you need to make big purchases - so you can let them see you have sorted some stuff for yourself and yet are being sensible with your savings.

It might reassure them that you and your partner are able to meet your financial needs and manage your finances and will be able to in the future.

thistlelicker · 23/11/2013 19:32

Tww.... Maybe u should read the thread too..... She has savings and a rainy day fund!!!!

The original op comes across as entitled - but op has said she will look at alternatives

Original poster

Babysealion · 23/11/2013 19:33

Thank you ms. It's a thing that we do together, I always try to pay but she doesn't let me.
My grandparents are well off, live comfortably so it's not like they are starving themselves to pay for my nails! I try to be very generous with them and buy them gifts also as they have helped me a lot.
Also I remember reading a thread where several posters were talking about giving their children a house deposit. So why is that acceptable if it's so 'icky' for me to accept help?

OP posts:

Catmint · 23/11/2013 19:34

From an entirely practical point of view, over the next 5 years your baby will dribble, wee, poo, vomit and bring up milk all over your sofa, not to mention come at it with stickers, crayons, felt tips, sticky hands.....

So make sure you save up for the one you will definitely need after that.

elskovs · 23/11/2013 19:35

Ah, bless you OP. Don't feel bad, grandparents like paying for things.

I do worry a bit about your DP though.. a real man wouldn't want his girlfriends granny paying for all their gear! My husband wouldn't have it anyway. If he is that type you are lucky to have your grandparents to bail you out.

LimitedEditionLady · 23/11/2013 19:38

Elskovs " a real man" thats a bit harsh?Doesnt make anyone a pretend male.No YABU there Elskovs

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 23/11/2013 19:38

I suppose because they aren't people who actually have the money for a house deposit in their savings account but don't want to spend it? I suppose if someone said I have £40,000 in my savings account but I'd rather my parents sub my house deposit... the flaming would actually set the internet on fire

I don't think it's 'icky' for you to accept help. It's clear that you love your grandparents and they you and they want to help you. But in a way, they are infantalising you, aren't they? You're their baby. They have to take care of you. But imagine how proud they'd be to see you grow into someone making their own way in the world?

I know it's scary to dip into money if you feel it's your security blanket, but that's life. You are very very fortunate and I am sure you realise that.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 19:40

Ok is that what has happened here:

You have savings, yes. But they are savings.
You arent saying you couldnt afford a sofa, but you didnt want to pay outright for one.
You dont have credit and so couldnt get the finance.
But your gp could, and offered?
You accepted. And now feeling guilty because you could have used yournsavings?

Better yet...had you of been able to get finance yourself, you would have?

If that is correct, then i dont think you are being unreasonable. Not if you are sticking to the payment plan

BlackholesAndRevelations · 23/11/2013 19:44

Yabu. I agree you should use your savings to buy your sofa.

Original poster

Babysealion · 23/11/2013 19:44

Yes we definitely would have had we got the finance. I just asked if my nana could have it in her name and the standing order would go into her account every month, but she offered to buy it upfront and then we pay her back. I feel guilty which is why I said no do the finance but she is being insistent.

OP posts:

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 23/11/2013 19:46

So what's the difference between that and you paying for it out of your own savings and paying your savings back by standing order every month?

What is it that you are frightened of?

comemulledwinewithmoi · 23/11/2013 19:47

They have it and want to give it to you. The problem? I do agree you shouldn't have asked as you have savings.

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 19:48

I have to say the great wizard has made an excellent point.
Saves your gp pulling out the full money. Saves the guilt you are feeling.

It seems to be the best and most reasonable course of action

Shescoming · 23/11/2013 19:48

Gosh you are getting toasted.

Is your nana is going without nice things for herself or essentials like living without putting the heating on etc? If not it sounds as though they enjoy both treating you and helping you get on in life. Lovely.

It also sounds like you feel like they are doing a lot for you though? So maybe turn the help down on this occasion (or just don't mention it again).

I don't think you sound spoilt. Plenty of threads on here re affording school fees where grandparentals 'take care of' go unflamed. Enjoy the help, and the great relationship with your nana and grandad.

Original poster

Babysealion · 23/11/2013 19:48

There is no difference I suppose. Like I said, we are looking for a cheaper one and if we can't find a better one, it will be coming out of our savings.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 23/11/2013 19:49

Buy it outright. Then set up a standing order back into your savings of the same you would have paid out.

Start being independent, and make sure your hair/nails etc are done in a way that's easy to maintain/look ok if you have to go 10 weeks between hair cuts/nails done once the baby has arrived...

RhondaJean · 23/11/2013 19:49

You aren't answering how your partner feels about any of this?

wontletmesignin · 23/11/2013 19:52

Good luck and happy sofa hunting.
You know yourself and your family best.
You do what you feel is right.

I have to admit that the standing order on your savings is a brilliant idea. If you can stick to it that is...

I know if i used any money i had saved,the chances of me paying my savings back would be slim.
If i owed somebody else though, the money would be right there on time...

SwimmingMom · 23/11/2013 19:52

If we're you I'd be more worried about why was my finance declined than how to buy the sofa. Your main objective is the home & mortgage, so that is the most important thing now. I think the best thing is to fix that, and then buy the sofa on your/dp's name to build good credit - all in order to get that mortgage. Many people are declined credit for the simple reason that they have no 'good' credit history or credit history at all.

And anyways am not against taking help from family if its just paperwork as it is in your case. (i do think you can get cheaper sofas at IKEA, but thats a separate point!) But I'd be worried that it will build nana's credit history instead of mine!

BenNJerry · 23/11/2013 19:56

Don't mean to be rude but this whole hair, nails and feet thing... that is a luxury not a necessity, why do you do that when you NEED a sofa? If you feel that guilty about it say you don't want your nails etc doing for a while.

(Although it is possible to get that stuff done with a baby, I have acrylics done once a month and I manage with my 6 month old. I pay for it myself, though. )

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