My married lover is renting me a flat and l am devastated.

[findyourwayhome]

l know l will be shot down in flames. Please don't judge me too harshly. l have been seeing a man for just over a year. We are both trapped in marriages with zero sex and we met and made a semi formal agreement involving exclusive sex and no more. The trouble is that in the last few months we have both fallen in love with each other. One moment he wants to leave his wife and be with me, the next moment he is ending it with me. Now he has rented me a flat. l am confused and fairly devastated as this signals to me that that will be all he will commit to longer term. Should l walk away? We have both been in unhappy marriages for nearly 8 years now. Does he want the best of both his wife and me? Is this it?

we all know what housekeeping money is op dont worry about trying to explain it,

She may not have contributed financially but she has kept house, brought up kids, looked after husband and thank goodness that counts for something in the real world, if not in wombleland.

How can you trust a man who would cheat on his wife ? How quickly will he be unfaithful to you. Is he really not having sex with his wife ? You have to trust someone who is untrustworthy . Unless he is Don Draper...

Sorry OP not shooting you down in flames but read this and imagine someone else was saying it.

met and made a semi formal agreement involving exclusive sex and no more. The trouble is that in the last few months we have both fallen in love with each other. One moment he wants to leave his wife and be with me, the next moment he is ending it with me

Yes

Why's that? How does the law justify that stance?

brought up kids

Has she?

we met and made a semi formal agreement involving exclusive sex and no more

Now he has rented me a flat

What is it you do for a living that prevents you renting your own flat and compels you to enter into these "semi formal" agreements and get flats rented for you in return?

The CAB told you wrong. If he owns the house then you lodge your name against it, which means he can't sell it or raise loans against it without your permission as it's recognised you part own it, whatever the deeds say, under the law of trusts. A marital home is a shared asset. When you divorce, there is something called ancillary relief, which is basically the name for asset splitting. You've had a long marriage which makes you a "fully entitled spouse".

Do you work outside the home, or have you ever done so? And do you have kids, and if so are any school age?

I think you should move this to Relationships, tbh. The lover/flat issue is the least of your concerns - sorting out your independence and future is the focus here.

And no, if he's rented you a flat then he doesn't want you with your husband but has no intention of committing to you, either. And renting in his name means you have no security of any kind. Don't leave the marital home for that fantasy. Investigate your legal rights to a share of the marital home and half any savings or other assets of the marriage.

I'm sorry but I don't think you are both in loveless/sexless marriages and have fallen in love with each other.

It looks a bit like you have gone from relying, depending and submitting to one man on to another. And he just enjoys shagging you an has decided to rent you a shagpad.

Why's that? How does the law justify that stance?

Because if a man wants a free housekeeper for 30 years, from 16 to 46, he can't then turn around and say those contributions to the family lifestyle are worthless. Domestic labour does not cease to be counted as work because it isn't paid - if you're married, anyway.

perfectstorm has summed up my opinion far more eloquently than I have. So exactly what she said.

You are your future, not any man. If you happen to meet someone who is free to commit then see what happens but do not pin your hopes on a man who is clearly just wanting a bit on the side.

Right, you need proper advice and support, a complicated, perhaps, game plan, don't listen to the bile posts on here as I do feel your situation is quite different to the average "affair"

Nothing much to say about your lover except that he might make the transition to institutionalised wife to independent woman more blurred and easy as long as you rely on him for nothing except mere distraction. Don't rely on him for money or a roof over your head.

If you are married and have children, or even if you don't, you are absolutely entitled to your own share of assets or income or even future pension, that's how UK law works end of.

I can't offer you legal advice but would advise you take some any way possible. Someone will hopefully give you better advice than me, but ignore the bile, this is not your average situation, and to those who don't know what housekeeping money is, well, duh....the clue is in the name? Seriously?

You're all such hard-liners when it comes to affairs aren't you?
Seems there's a very strong MN line on this.
I've not had an affair so don't have an agenda here.
But I think this man may have at least helped the OP to move on from a first early relationship with someone who may not have been the right choice for her.
And we can't really evaluate the emotional basis of the new relationship can we, however cynical we might be inclined to be about men's motives.

You need to be careful because it's likely your married lover is just using you. If his wife found out, he'd probably drop you immediately. Don't rely on him for anything. He is deceitful and even in the unlikely event you ended up together, he would probably cheat on you because that's what cheats do.

It seems like your situation is complicated but you need to try and get your own life, but remain with your husband for the time being. Could you get a part time job and get some money in your bank account? Do you look after children so it's difficult to do this? Why are you trapped with your husband? Do you have any family who could help you?

The thing is, if you face up to th hs now, and have a divorce, you will get a fair share of the marital assets- after 30 years, certainly half plus possible the use of a bit more while you are responsible for dependent children.

If you just run away to this flat, if that relationship ends, your lover owes you nothing in law. He can just kick you out. You would be destitute.

Perhaps your DH is also ready for a divorce? This may not be as awful as you fear.

Make an appointment with a divorce lawyer and get advice on exactly what you can expect in your situation

Then I think you have t make a decision about divorce, which we really can't make for you.

Wombles, dear, are you in the UK? If so, can you really not know the first thing about the law on divorce?

And are you, perchance, male :) ?

Women's Aid can help you given your marriage sounds financially abusive.

Post on Legal here on Mumsnet as there are several family law solicitors who can advise you on what to do next.

And I'd report your first post to Mumsnet and ask them to move it to Relationships, as Am I Being Unreasonable tends to be a bit of a fight club, and Relationships more supportive (though do ignore the odd All Men Are Always Right And All Women Are Harpies bloke who pops up to spew bile on general principle, because women supporting one another can't possibly be allowed. Ignore, ignore, basically.)

The starting point of division is 50/50: property, savings, pension, the lot, though that's a starting point and various factors (length of marriage, any special needs of one party, whether there are dependent kids who need housing, and a few other possibilities) can affect the precise division. Pension and family home are usually the biggest assets. If you have dependent kids and are primary carer then the courts try to keep them in their home if at all possible until 18, when it's sold and the equity split - a Mesher order (though they aren't best in all situations). Spousal maintenance is rare these days, because a clean break and independence is seen as better for both, but if you've been a housekeeper all your life then a period of such maintenance to enable you to adjust and train for some sort of work is possible, perhaps even likely, though you'd need to ask a specialist family law solicitor. The spousal maintenance provisions have largely fallen by the wayside because most women work outside the home and thus enable a clean break, and tbh I think you really would benefit hugely if you did start to build your own work history, if you've not already got one. You'd have your own money, your own circle of friends, your own interests and sense of achievement - work is about so much more than a way to put food on the table. Work is power, freedom and maturity, all in one. You've been denied, it sounds like, for much too long.

What are your interests - what do you find gets you thinking, energised, curious, engaged? What do you like for you, you the individual, not you the adjunct sidekick of some bloke?

The OP will get legal aid and wont have to pay a penny for legal advice on leaving her husband and divorce, as she has no income.

I think the greater problem is that the OP's personal moral boundaries seem to see nothing wrong in being provided for by men in return for sex. Doing it once with a controlling husband is perhaps forgiveable, but willingly doing it twice and cheating with a married man to boot is not.

I say this in the assumption that may be proved wrong that the OP doesn't come from a country where female children aren't educated and that she has in fact received a full education, can read and can write, etc..

Well obviously she can read and write unless you think she has got a man to post this for her.....

Legal aid is no longer available for divorce.

I think a lot of posters are rather harsh about women being supported by men in any way too - such as the talk about housekeeping money etc.
We don't have equality between the sexes yet do we?
And especially when a mother is taking the main responsibility for the care of young children it would be nice to see people understand that the father providing materially for his family was not just money in exchange for sex.
Even if there aren't any children in the relationship a husband might support his wife in a traditional family set up.

Great post from ccsays there. Empower yourself and leave your husband. You will be free. Forget the other guy, he's just a catalyst. Best of luck OP.

From what the OP has said, this is a man who doesn't know what he wants...one minute he wants you, next minute he is calling it a day. He might be lovely, kind and thoughtful, as you describe, but being on the end of his confusion is not a good place to be. If you carry on your affair, you will just feel more and more insecure and used. It is a rollercoaster and he is at the steering wheel.

Don't let this happen. If you move into the flat he has rented for you, you will spend your life waiting for him. You will be stuck. And, one day, he might turn round and say he can't afford the rent any more and / or wants to make a go of it with his wife. It won't end well for you.

Either invest in your marriage or leave your marriage. And, if you decide on the latter, then date a man who is actually free to be in a relationship with you and can give you the security, and the commitment, you crave.

You know all this already. There is no need to ask other people to tell you what you already know. Have faith in yourself and good luck.